Do I ever make the right decision?

Answer….

noduhAm I surprised? No. This nice man who cares about me, and truly could be something real, but I don’t know if I am ready to go down that path just got back from vacation. However, the entire time he was gone I reconnected with my ex who, over the course of the day, made me realize i made the wrong decision on who I chose. He doesn’t tell me how beautiful I smell, or how pretty I am constantly. He doesn’t love looking into my eyes, or he enjoy being around me. I have that with someone else and I’m afraid to proceed because I feel like there is something bad lurking around the corner. Truth is, I’m already around the corner and there’s something bad here. I just don’t know how I can be so stupid. I love to ruin good things. It’s just what I’m good at.

I automatically assume something work out with the age issue, but really, it’s only me who has the problem with it. But I feel that I’m too fucked up of a person to be deserving of someone who doesn’t deserve to deal with any of my bullshit. My freak outs, my insecurities, my constant need for affection and attention. But he wants to do those things for me, without asking. I almost question it because I feel does he really feel this way? How could someone feel this way about me. ME. I am just too out there. He’s so not. That’s why I feel like I belong with these people who are out there, and fucked up like me. But I know that’s not all I’m capable getting, and I sure as shit don’t want to settle for being with someone who makes me miserable.

I just want to be sun shines and unicorns and back to my happy, care free life. Not worried about when someone is going to pass out in my bed and if they might not even wake up. I’m not deserving of good. I’m on the phone with the nice man ass the other is passed out in my bed. I can’t believe I am even still writing about this, or even at all. But this is where I come to get my thoughts out, and well here are my thoughts. It’s a fucked up web that I’ve weaved. Maybe I’m the black widow inside that kills everything that tries to get in my web, whether it be good or back.

This has to me my outlook….

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I am (almost) 29, from Detroit, MI, I love music (SUCHHHHHH a huge part of my life), Hello Kitty, glitter, unicorns, my dog, the color pink, clothes, traveling, friends, laughing, and living life. I was a small business major in college, and I currently work in advertising. I like the internet, playing on it and communicating on it. It's pretty neat. I decided to start a this happy/positivity blog because I've had way too much negative energy in my life for well, most of it. It's really been taking up a lot of my head space for most of my life and consuming me. I don't think I've necessarily had it "easy" mentally growing up because I was diagnosed as ADHD and as an adult I was diagnosed as bipolar. It's very easy to get caught up in negativity and distracted when you have either one of these, let alone both. So, shit, might as well do something that I already do everyday (go on the internet) and put shit out on the internet to find since I work in advertising anyway. Oh well, I guess if the only person that reads is me, well, then at least it helps me.

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