It’s almost September!!

Where has the summer gone? I’m glad I got a job in mid June so that I didn’t have to sit around all summer. However it would’ve been nice to be unemployed and laying out in the pool all day. 

I was going back reading some of my old posts from last summer. It’s like I remember everything. Although I was constantly on drugs, my life was a mess, my love life was a mess. I’m glad I have simplicity in my life right now. I have work, friends, family. That’s all I need right now. Oh and of course my dog! 

Yes! I still have my dog. She adjusted very well last fall to her new home. She loves having a back yard to play in! It was very hard to leave her for a month when I went a away last year. Everyone in rehab had pics of their kids and I had some of “my baby” AKA my giant dog. I’ve found so much comfort in her. It’s impossible to have a bad day when you have someone that looks at you and loves on you. I had a bad day yesterday and when I came home to see her sweet face, I left all the bullshit at the door. 

Such a lady. 

Some other good news! My sisters wedding is just a little over a month away. She’s getting married October 8. They’re flying in from Arizona and getting married in Michigan. There will be a lot of out of towners coming in. I am of course the maid of honor. My sister wrote me in rehab and said she was very close to kicking me out of her wedding because I was on drugs. When they came in town, I was busy babysitting evil that I didn’t even spend any time with her. So she was really disappointed in me. 

I’m glad she didn’t have to do that because I’m really looking forward to being her maid of honor. I’ve never been in a wedding before, let alone someone’s maid of honor. They did a bachelorette party in Vegas in which I did not attend. I know my sis just wanted to have a good time and not worry if I was comfortable or not. So I decided to opt out. But boy do I miss Vegas. Plus I wouldn’t want to go with my sis anyway. The only way I’d go back is with some of my good girlfriends. 

Everything at my job is going well. It’s been a slow sales month, so I’m nowhere near the number of cars I sold last month. People just aren’t buying. I have a lot of follow ups in the next couple of months. As I mentioned I had a bad day yesterday. I didn’t have any leads (no one new to call) and I was getting upset with my boss for calling me out on it. He kept saying you really called all those people? Like do you think in lying? Then my boss added me on Facebook. Still trying to decide if this was a good or bad idea. 

He’s pretty cool, a couple years younger than I am. He tries to act like a bad ass at work and give me a hard time. However he does tell me what a great job I do pretty frequently and I like hearing it. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt passionate about work. My last couple of jobs were POINTLESS. So I started making up excuses and missing work frequently. With this job I don’t do that. I leave early sometimes (with permission) when my family has been in town and stuff. 

Now as far as my addiction goes, I would be lying if I said I was 100% clean. I still smoke pot, which I didn’t at first. But it’s not harming me. It’s helping me. Whenever I get stressed or anxious, I smoke. That’s way better than snorting a bunch of pills. I still take pills every once in a while. Lately I haven’t been able to tolerate them and they make me sick. So I’ve chilled out on them. But I figure if I do shit every once in a while, know my limits, and tell my friends what I’m doing so they can keep tabs on me, then I see nothing wrong. I’ve changed A LOT. I know once an addict, always an addict. But I believe a lot of my addict behavior comes out when I don’t take my bipolar Meds and I start doing reckless thing and behaviors. 

I’m really stable on my Meds now. I make sure to take them everyday. I was put back on adderall a few months ago. It really makes a difference. Sometimes I just can’t get out of bed in the morning, or be motivated to do any work. It helps me stay on task at work for the most part. I mean my first full month I had a huge sales month so it’s safe to say I’m very productive. This versus the old me who wouldn’t even get out of bed for a job interview. I got calls all the time but I never went. It’s like I knew they wouldn’t be the right job for me. If I don’t like something in doing I’m definitely not going to take it, or even try. 

I feel like I’m in the right position for me. I’m such a sales whiz. My brother in law always says I could sell a coloring book to Stevie wonder. 

Also I’d like to give some kudos to my bestie. She is making a great move next weekend into her own house. I am very proud of her and all her accomplishments. I know it’ll be tight with money, but I’m always down to hang out at someone’s house versus going out. She has come very far since I’ve known her. Lived in a couple different places, but I know this is something she has been searching for fo a long time and I’m very proud of her. Also, I’d like to add I’m not posting this because she reads it. I’m posting this because my blog reflects what I’m thinking and feeling. I haven’t gotten much of a chance to tell her how I feel in this sense. IM VERY PROUD OF YOU MOMMA!!! GET YOUR HAPPINESS ON! I’m going to help her move next weekend, and although I’m a weakling that can’t lift much, I’ll help as much as I can. I think that’s really all that matters is that I’m there for support and help. Moving is stressful. I should know because I’ve done it a couple of times in the last few years. The last thing I want is for it to be super overwhelming. I’ll be there to destress her. 

My other bestie is going through a rough time right now. She recently sold her house and all her belongings in an effort to start over. She was staying with her parents who made things very hard for her. However she’s back there now. I worry about her because her parents will fly off the handle at any second and start picking on her for the smallest shit. 

I’m glad I somewhat have my shit together so I can be a good supportive friend. My friends have been with me through some of my hardest times. All i can do is be there for them right now and show them my worth as a friend. It feels good to not have my head all foggy with drugs. Also, not to miss out on things just because I was high. I couldn’t even tell you the reason I missed my best friends birthday last year. No clue. I’m sure she does, but I was absent for something really important. I’m trying to be accountable for things now. Show up when I’m supposed to, do what I’m supposed to, and in general just bring reliable. I haven’t been reliable in a long ass time. 

Also, I have a court date for tomorrow morning. I made an improper turn and got a ticket. So I’m taking it to court to see if I can get the points reduced. I’m super fucking nervous. I had to do this in the fall and they ended up calling me in a small room to offer me a plea, which I paid off the same day. I know what I did was wrong, and I’m not saying I didn’t do it. All I’m asking for is to have the points reduced. I’ll even pay more money! The money is not the issue. I mean it is, but I have a job so I’ll be able to pay it. But my insurance is already super high because of an accident I had 2 years ago. That’s not coming off my record until next year. I knew as soon as I made the turn I was going to get in trouble. Of course I did. I need some positive vibes!

Well I have about a half hour till I have to get ready for work. Think I’ll just watch some tv until I have to actually do it. Thank you all for reading! Thanks for sticking around during my hiatus. I hope to be posting a lot more. Happy hump day!! Hope everyone is having a good week! Till we meet again! Xoxo

Addiction sucks.

Two posts in one day was necessary because I really need to vent about what happened between my friend and I today. You can chose to ignore this, or read how much addiction sucks and ruins lives because people chose to ignore it.

I talked a little bit about how my friend came to me a week ago and said that she wanted to get help and go to treatment. I kind of figured she was bluffing, because that was last Monday, and later on in the week when she still hadn’t made a move I asked her what the deal was. She said she was still researching it, at this point I knew she wasn’t serious. I know she really needs some help because she’s literally lost everything. Her looks, kids, home, car, and her job.

Well anyway, today I decided to message her about the $700 DTE bill that is outstanding. A few days after I moved into her house, the DTE that was in her name got shut off. She was so far behind that she had to pay it in full in order to have her services restored, which of course she didn’t have. Now, I JUST moved in. She begged me to put it in my name with the understanding that she would be taking over the payments. Of course since we have been friends for so long I never got anything in writing. (BIG MISTAKE) According to her mom she had court this morning so she didn’t answer any of my messages right away. When she finally did, she exploded.

First she called me a delusional bitch, and then she showed me some drug test results that were negative. This is the same person who called and texted me like crazy exactly one week ago about needing help and wanting to go to a treatment center. The same person who admitted was still smoking pot and popping pills. I don’t need to stare at a negative drug panel. For all I know you used your kids urine to pass your drug test. I would never put that past an addict. All of these things she told me last week, that I tried to tell her today, she denied ever saying. I’m the sober one. Not the delusional one.

It doesn’t hurt me that she says all these hurtful things to me. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Her words can’t hurt me anymore because I know what my truth is. I came clean about what I’ve done wrong. I went to treatment, I got help, I came clean to my friends and family. I told them I fucked up, and I reached out for help. So calling me a crack head, or saying she wonders how long I’ll last this time, it doesn’t effect me. I know I got this.

The thing that does hurt however is that she can’t see what she’s doing to herself. She can’t see that she has a problem. She’s lying to herself and to everyone around her. She doesn’t have the support of her family anymore. They’ve given up on her because she treats them like shit. After she blocked me on her phone, and on Facebook, I made one last attempt by writing her an email. Of course she was a mega bitch and said she would file a PPO on me. Then I responded and said that I would be receive a PPO this week. For what? There are no grounds. I’ve been talking to her mother via text this entire time and she said she threatens everyone with a PPO. Just to see what she would say back I told her maybe I should let CPS know somethings. She wrote me back and said that her CPS case was closed, but I confirmed with her mother that it’s not.

I’ve been friends with her for 25 years. I’ve been talking to her mom pretty much all day and we have been going back and forth about all the lies she tells. I guess it makes me glad that I got the help that I need and I’m not running around telling these ridiculous lies, falling deeper and deeper. There’s just so much she’s lying about, it’s hard to tell what her truth is anymore. At this point, I truly do feel sorry for her. She doesn’t even know up from down. She’s wasting away into nothing. It’s sad to see. To think that you have known this person your entire life, and now you don’t even know who that person is anymore. That everything they say, or put out there is a lie. They are master manipulators. She had me fooled.

I thought we were helping each other out when I moved in. It made me sicker, and it made her sicker. She didn’t use any of the money I paid her in rent for bills. She claims she’s losing her house, she never paid for the DTE, she doesn’t pay for her own cell phone, she never bought food, anything. So there’s only one thing left, that’s drugs. I know I always shared my stash with her, but she was always selfish and sneeky with hers.

The more and more I converse with her mother, the sadder I get. I want to have hope for her, but I think she’s a lost cause. Especially when she said she wanted treatment, but then today she swears up and down she’s living a sober life. Yet, according to her ex who saw her in court today, she looked like she was messed up. It’s a shame. In a way, I’m kind of glad she doesn’t have her kids. They’re old enough to know somethings not right. Her oldest is fragile and emotional. She shouldn’t be subjected to that.

I know what I’ve been through in my addiction, I know all the people I’ve hurt. I know all the lies I’ve told. I know I thought I was getting away with it. I thought people believed my lies, and I thought I was so good at lying. But I wasn’t. I was horrible. No one believed me. I didn’t think I ever looked fucked up when in reality I always did, and everyone could always tell.

I’m about to go to a mass at my church for all the people in the parish we’ve lost, specifically for me my grandma & grandpa. While I’m there I’m going to say a prayer. Maybe it’ll help.

Back from treatment

I just wanted to let you guys know I just got out of treatment today! I have 34 days clean! I am about to pick up my dog! I couldn’t be better! I managed to take a trip to Washington DC while in treatment. I will update you more later! I’m just so excited to be back to life!

<Font face=5>My sobriety date is September 11, 2015</font>