My Struggles.

So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.

I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!

 I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.

(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)

You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.

Before:

After:

Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.

Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.

It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.

I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.

I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!

I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.

WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo

Back from treatment

I just wanted to let you guys know I just got out of treatment today! I have 34 days clean! I am about to pick up my dog! I couldn’t be better! I managed to take a trip to Washington DC while in treatment. I will update you more later! I’m just so excited to be back to life!

<Font face=5>My sobriety date is September 11, 2015</font>

Money makes me move

Have you ever felt like you just floated through the day? Well I have, and today was one of those days. I can’t describe it other than I floated through the day. What I mean is that nothing really significant happened today, so it all just kind of seemed rather dull. So instead of feeling productive, I just felt blahhhhh….like I just floated through the day. Maybe you understand? But I titled this blog because apparently money will make me move. I’ll explain….

Last night I received a check for $200. I didn’t really NEED to cash the check today because I had nothing to buy. I ended up at Walmart this afternoon where I first tried to cash my check. I wasn’t able to because the address on the check doesn’t match the address on my driver’s license. This pissed me off. I found another place that would cash it, which also happens to be a gas station. I decided to get gas, then cigarettes, and of course something to drink.

I came back home to finish getting ready for a doctor’s appointment I had. So I went to that, it was great, then I had to jump over to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. Shouldn’t have spent any money at Walgreen’s since all my prescriptions are FREE with my new insurance. However I did have to wait 20 minutes, which prompted me to browse around the store. I ended up with some makeup, juice, dog treats, nail stuff, a birthday card, and some other shit. I get to the counter and my 20 minute wait time at Walgreen’s just cost me $54!!! What!?

So yeah, I just kind of floated through the day.

Hmmm…. what else did I do today? Oh yes! I ordered my sister’s birthday presents. Our birthdays are 2 years and 2 days apart. She text me today asking what I wanted for my birthday, then I asked her what she wanted. As a kid I always hated sharing my birthday, birthday parties and birthday cakes with my sister. But now that I’m older I miss it so much. We rarely spend our birthdays together since I live in Michigan and she lives in Arizona, so it’s not the same anymore. I also went online to show her what I wanted only to find that it’s OUT OF STOCK. All these months I’ve had this shit in my favorites bookmark specifically for my birthday, and now that it’s April IT’S OUT OF STOCK? Well, that’s what they wanted me to believe.

Inflatable Unicorn Head

The website is actually a company I did advertising for a couple of months back. So I pulled that card and sent an email. Of course they remembered me, and actually said they do have one in stock. SWEET. Sorry guys, it was out of stock, but if you’re awesome like me and say hey, I did advertising for you guys, then BOOM it magically becomes in stock! SCORE!

I just came back from my mom’s house. She kept telling me she bought me something for my birthday to match something I already have. Here’s the thing, I have so much shit that I had no idea what she could’ve possibly gotten me. She got me these Coach sandals to match the purse I already have! (pictured below)

I took my dog on her second ride today and I just picked up some Burger King. Someone won’t leave my side in case I drop a fry on the floor.

Alright well if this hasn’t completely bored you to death, I also wanted to briefly mention an organization yesterday that I’m really excited to start working with. It’s called Stamp Out Stigma, and it was designed to to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness and substance use disorders. Their main website can be found here You can also find them on Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. I would also encourage for you to show your support for Mental Illness by wearing one of these bracelets. Whether you struggle with it yourself, a loved one, family member, or just because you support this cause.

Here is their support page where you can order the bracelets, update your Facebook photo to show support. and take the pledge. I ordered some bracelets last night. You have to order a minimum of 5, which I am pretty sure I can find 5 of my friends and family members who would be willing to wear this to show their support for me, and for the cause. I will be ordering more! If you are interested in one, please let me know, I will even buy them for you. They’re all about trying to erase the stigma that comes with having these disorders. I’m kind of trying to do that with this blog.

I think I’m going to veg out for the rest of the night and rape Netflix. I finally got my sleeping medication so I predict I will be going to bed very early tonight, and I will stay asleep allllllllllllll night. Ah, that just sounds like heaven right now because I’ve only been sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. (No naps either!) I just made this:

Ohhhhhhhhhhh and in case any of you have forgotten….

Peace out my lovely readers, and THANK YOU for all of your support of this blog.Please feel free to share it with your friends. I don’t actively promote this blog on any of my social media outlets because it’s something I kind of hide from most people, unless I trust them enough to read it. (and that’s a very, very, VERY, small list.) I would definitely like to get the word out there about my blog.

MondayyyYyyyYyy

It doesn’t feel like Monday when you don’t have a job. It’s just like any other fucking day. If you have read some of my previous posts you’ll know that I absolutely hate Monday’s. If you do a Google image search for “fuck Monday memes” you will be LOL for sure. That’s how I used to TRY to get in a good mood for work on Monday mornings, just have a quick LOL at some of those memes and go on with my shitty ass day. Like this image for example….this can easily make you smile even for a hot second on a shitty Monday. It’s a cute kitty getting drunk because he/she hates Monday’s too. It’s a national crisis.

So I posted last night/this morning that I was going to be productive. I am happy to report that the time is currently 5:40 PM and I did get somethings checked off my list. First, you’ll have to know that because I am bipolar and unemployed, I consider getting out of bed and taking a shower as productive. Actually getting dressed after that shower, putting on makeup, and wearing something other than PJ’s is super productive for me. So I’ve already done all of those things today. (I slacked a little bit and didn’t style my hair.) This may sound stupid as fuck to someone who doesn’t understand being bipolar, but anyone who has it or truly understand it and knows my situation knows how hard it is to overcome small challenges like getting out of bed when you have no reason to. It really pisses me off when people use the phrase “you’re so bipolar” as an insult. Not to me, just in general. It should piss off anyone who is bipolar really.

I am doing this blog most importantly for myself and my own issues, and if by other people reading it using the tags of bipolar, or mental illness, or whatever read it, and it helps them too, then that’s even better. I struggled with the isolation of being bipolar for years, and I knew it wasn’t ME and I didn’t want to feel that way, but I also didn’t know what to do. I finally got a really good doctor who listens and understands my concerns about medication and diagnosis. Being positive and maintaining the positive attitude has really been helping me maintain my bipolar disorder throughout these last few weeks. I really like this quote because it’s true. Having this mental illness has taught me that I can overcome any challenge, and also not to let things get stuck in my head and give me negative energy. If I do let things get stuck in my head, I get pulled way the fuck down and it’s so hard to climb out of that. This blog really does help me channel all my thoughts and release them from my head.

Anyway, I got a package this morning at 9 AM and I don’t have a doorbell but Maizy is a great improviser. I’ve never seen how crazy she gets when a delivery man comes to the door since I’m usually at work. She went fucking crazy, which is why I woke up in the first place and actually signed for the package. Anyway, I splurged a little bit with some leftover tax money and purchased myself a new pipe. But not just any pipe, a cupcake one! Thank you to Chameleon Glass for the pipe, case, grinder, storage container, lighter, sticker and candy they sent along with my pipe. It’s my first time ordering with them, but it won’t be my last. They were super fast, excellent customer service, and provided me with tracking information as soon as it was available. So here it is!!!!!!!

I also got in touch with the unemployment office today. They told me they would release my first payment today, and I should have it in my bank account in a few days. I shouldn’t have had to call in the first place, it should have been done automatically. Of course, it wasn’t….so I had to get on their asses and take care of business myself. I have to certify again on Monday for the last 2 weeks, and then it should release a couple days after that. I got a notice from the unemployment office last week that said my employer never responded to the paperwork they sent over as to why I was terminated, and so by default I automatically get unemployment.

I also reached out to my former boss and told him I tried contacting HR regarding getting reimbursed for the wages they took out of my last paycheck for insurance. Basically in my email to my former boss I said hey, I know this isn’t your job, but can you please get the fuck on the person who is so we can be done with this already? Shortly after I emailed him I got a response back from HR. She told me she was out of the office sometime when I sent her the email and it had gotten pushed down in her inbox and she lost track of it and never followed up. She didn’t really have an answer as to when I’d get my money back, hopefully this week. She said she would have a better idea once payroll is finished and that I should email her on Thursday to get more information. I made sure I put 2 reminder notices on my iPhone calendar to follow up Thursday. I want every last dollar I can possibly get out of that place.

When I checked the mail today I got a letter stating that I was accepted for Medicaid. So I have health insurance. YAY! I also got another letter from the state saying they needed more information from me in order to qualify me for food assistance. I got the paperwork today, and they needed to receive it today. I called at 4:30 and left a message and said hey dudes, I just got this today, and there’s no way I can get this information to you today. So hopefully they’ll return my call tomorrow and allow me to have extra time.

I also got in touch with someone I used to be a server with. He recently moved into the area and is serving at one of my favorite Italian restaurants out here and said he makes bank. He is going to try and get me some part time work up there so I can get cash, and my unemployment. It’s temporary. I definitely do not want to be a server for very long, I enjoy office work too much. (That was my back handed way of saying I’d rather be lazy and sit at a desk than actually work on my feet!)

Well, now I guess I’m having some company. Someone I haven’t seen in a while. I’m glad I did my makeup today….I just wish I would’ve done my hair so I could look my absolute best, but whatever. I think I look decent. Pale, but decent. More bronzer. Definitely more bronzer. I will post about how this rendezvous goes.

If you had a shitty Monday, don’t forget my trick to instant LOL’s on Monday! (Google image search fuck monday memes)

P.S.– The countdown is officially on!!!

Fail

Today I was supposed to have a totally productive day and get all this shit done and did I? Nope. My day feels kind of like:

In the meantime I did manage to lose my phone, just another disaster after another I guess with me. I keep on making mistakes left and right that I know will bite me in the ass but, for some reason I just don’t care? I’m not sure. Maybe too much positivity?

(Being the ADHD person that I am, I stepped away from the computer and came back a little bit later which I often do when I write my blogs.) Oh well my phone has been found. It was in the rain ALL DAY. So I freak out thinking out shit another thing I am going to have to pay for right? NOPE. SO FUCKING LUCKY. This $1 case I bought on eBay from some random country in Asia was worth it. Just a flimsy ass piece of plastic. I put stickers on it and rip them off to jazz the case up but you get the point:

Perhaps all that positivity I was just saying might be too much is actually helping. Karma in a good way. Oh so anyway, the shit I was supposed to do today I’m going to do it tomorrow. I stayed out late last night and I shouldn’t have. Especially when it’s the one night I have something to do in the morning, while I don’t have a job and I completely just failed. Oh well, it’s not like these fuckers are getting their money any way. So what if it’s late? I’m paying the mother fucking $35 late fee in escrow, bitch! It’s just buying me time really.

Anyway I was supposed to hang out with an old friend tonight but I totally bailed. Maybe because I haven’t showered or am still wearing my makeup from yesterday and give 0 fucks about today? Part of me is just a little scared to open up this box because I know it’s trouble considering the circumstances under which we met. But I am not like most people. Anyone with a mental illness knows this. We just don’t meet nice people, and fall in love, and everything’s perfect. Or maybe I just haven’t found the right one who understands my craziness? Until then, I seek out crazy.

Saying it, well, typing it, I guess makes it sound like wow, why am I doing this but none of it is ever meant to go anywhere. But he and i have stayed in contact since this incident which happened a couple years ago. Minimal contact, but contact. We haven’t actually seen each other, just spoken to each other online and on the phone. I actually talked to his mom once too, oops. Anyway, I bailed on him today because I know I have to get this shit done in the morning and if I hang out with him, I won’t. I know myself too fucking well. So possibly tomorrow night? We shall see.

I know he really needs some positive influence in his life, and I was once that for him and I hope I still can be. So that’s what I’m hoping we can still have. I see him, and this other guy just making careless mistakes that keep getting them in trouble. I feel bad. It’s like I want to help.

Anyway, my mom was nice enough to say home from work today so I’d have a place to go while they worked on my house. The guy was super cute and I felt totally embarrassed answering the door in my PJ’s which I realized was a see through zebra zip up and I had a hot pink lace sports bra underneath and leggings. I bet he was really happy to see that. I guess I shouldn’t have slept soooooooo late. Oops. He probably thinks I’m a total slut because I have handcuffs on my nightstand. A little child gave them to me at a kids birthday party without me knowing (he put them in my purse) and I found them the next day. This is where I decided they should go. Hey, you never know 😉

(Sidenote: Yes, that is duck tape. I “refinished” them. They look awesome.)

Also, my mom got me these super cute Hello Kitty hair clips. Score!

I think someone is exhausted from playing with Mr. Big today. She literally dragged me up the porch of my mom’s house today because she was so excited. She is so fucking strong it’s redic. I had to jump like 4 stairs in flip flops with this dog on a leash carrying my huge ass purse and my laptop case. Whew! Taking her anywhere is such a task because she gets so excited and she’s so strong. She definitely works us both out!

Okay so tomorrow is Wednesday. I’ll try and get my shit together. *Sigh* I have to babysit tomorrow, I forgot. Shit. Even though my IPhone reminded me like hours ago. I still forgot. And it’s on like 3 calendars. I’m such a space cadet. I need to get off the internet.

Update 11:40 PM:

 

Wacky World

I don’t really have anything to post about but considering I’m a little dazed, have ADHD, love to talk and type fast there will be a blog post somewhere.

SOOOOOOOO okay, I’m having construction done on my house and I have to use the last of my savings to put my current rent that’s due tomorrow in escrow until the house passes inspection on April 27. So I’ll have to buy myself sometime with that. I’m thinking I didn’t get the job I went after but I’m okay with it because it would require a lot of travel and I don’t know if it’s really what I wanted to do anyway. I can still collect my unemployment and waitress in the mean time while I look for something else. Which is what I think I’m going to do.

Also, today is opening day for the Detroit Tigers and I wish I was downtown because it’s like a fucking party. Even if you’re not at the game, its a fucking party all over downtown today! UGH so much fun! I should take a shower and just get all pretty with my D gear on. Ah, fuck it might as well. What else have I got to do? I’m going to… and watch the game. Create my own experience.

Tomorrow they’re doing some chemical treatments on the house and me and the pooch can’t be here. My mom agreed to work from home so that we would have somewhere to go. Maizy loves having me here. She wants to be around me all the time. It’s so cute. She is so presh. She’s cuddling in bed with me right now.

Eh well okay I’m going to take a shower and get my game day experience on. I should clean too but yeah, no. I’m going to apply for jobs as well. I don’t overwhelm myself and apply for everything. I apply for like 3-4 on each website a day, and keep a log of what I apply for so that when I get a call or email back, I can make sure it’s something I actually applied for and not some BS.

Blahhhhhhhh, I am toooooooooo lazy for anything right now……or lazy really isn’t the word but you know.

Update 3:41 PM TIGERS BEAT THE TWINS 4-0 ON OPENING DAY! TIGERS FTW!

Update 5:50 PM Okay I’m putting this out there. I’ve been waiting to hear back from someone I shouldn’t. It’s like you know you should stay away, but for some reason you can’t. You just go back for more. In two situations now that I think about it. Why do I always go after the wrong things? The wrong people? The wrong MEN. Mostly because I think my perspective of men is completely fucked up, and that is a whole other can of worms that we can even get into right now. I’m going to be around my friend right now because she needs a friend and I do too. I can’t sit around and wait for someone who I know is just going to hurt me.

Update 8:38 PM being around people helps. I got some grocery shopping done even though I feel like every dollar coming out of my pocket hurts me. Rawr. I need to put my energy elsewhere I guess. 

Possible Birthday Dress and more Rambling

Possibly party dress for my birthday this year. I’ll be 29 on April 29 (my golden birthday!) I’m throwing a Unicorn, Princess, Anything Goes party…. So it should be interesting and crazy, Just the way I want it.

I already have matching shoes. Or I could get better ones. Two posts in one night. Yep. Not doing shit. I even rearranged the furniture in my living room. I made calls to some people, sent texts. I don’t expect people to pick up every single one of my calls or respond to every single one of my texts. However, under the circumstances I have been under recently, I think some of you owe me like a “hey, I was doing (fill in the blank.)” Even though I know it’s bullshit. Further proving my point that most people are bullshit, and they’re all full of bullshit.

Which brings me to my next point. I know people think I’m bullshit, and I’m this, and I’m that. I’m pretty sure they think I’m fake and judgmental too. However I’m NONE of those things. What’s funny is ALL of those people fake as fuck. They don’t like me for the the exact same shit they do to me. So here’s what I have to say to you on the internet. Because if I do see you in real life someday, somewhere, and it will happen, I will eye fuck the shit out of you (my way of saying staring) then probably laugh.

Thank you for dedicating part of your day to think about me. Even if it’s something vulgar and negative, you still thought it out, talked about it. So I still cross your mind. I must get to you for some reason and jealousy seems to be the real problem here. I think the image speaks for itself, so again, thank you for making me feel important.

Also, just as a reminder…. I just whipped this up. The quality sucks but I forgot to save it as a different file type but whatevs 🙂

Also, I updated my about me page! Check it out!