Thou shall not panic.
Where are my anxiety medications and my therapists when I need them? NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. Therefor I am left to deal with this fuck storm (that’s a new one) on my own.
Let me try to zen out tonight with some House of Cards. IDK if it’s going to work. 
Ready. Set. Go.
When people fuck up, everyone loses faith. I guess when someone fucks up, I don’t lose faith. I have even more faith then ever. Maybe it’s because I’m prone to fucking up, so I know that a turn around is just around the corner. But fuck up and faith begin with the same letter so, that’s symbolic to me. I guess with conversations I’ve had to have today, most of them on defensive mode, inspired this blog.
I can’t explain why I feel the way I feel. But when you know it, you go with it. I’ve been where people had no faith in me, and gave up on me. Most people have. Why shouldn’t they? What good am I? I can’t get my shit together to save my life. I barely try. I only really give a shit about myself. I hear it all the time. From my friends and my family. It’s the truth, it’s just not the whole truth. I care about other people way more than I give a shit about myself, but I’ll never show it because having feelings scares the shit out of me.
But back to having faith, I have faith in a person that no one else does right now. I give a shit maybe because no one else does. I have faith because I have feelings and know this person means well. I don’t need to justify and defend them, they are good through and through. They get down on their knees and pray to do well. I have faith they will do right by me, and that’s all I can ask. I have faith. ❤
PS – Happy Birthday to a former friend who I lost contact with and we no longer speak to, and who doesn’t read this. But, I think of you and our friendship. We just fell out of touch after I fell out of our circle and shit but I miss you and I think I’ll shoot you a text right now.
Update – I reached out to my friend and she responded. Awesome sauce.
Also, this show is the tits:
Another update – Ran out of episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (started last night) so I moved on to House of Cards. Again, house of tits because I like to emphasize anything with tits or fuck, because that’s how I roll. Kevin Spacey is tits. Sounds A+ to me.
Caught the clock at my birthday time! (4/29) I’m really pushing through and trying to find faith in myself today. I don’t know if it’s positive thinking, pot, happy thoughts, or content.
Whatever it is, I like having my happy place (here) to come to to share my randomness. My life is a fuckfest. I need to get my ass to work. I wish work fit around my custom schedule sometimes. Like I could deal with my bullshit and work. But I can’t. I am just hoping that everything will be a-ok. Like it has to be, right? I received more information leading me to believe that it won’t be, but I am just going to let go, and let God. I know that seems a little cheesy but, whatever. When I called my team lead this morning to tell him I wasn’t coming in and what the situation was, he said a prayer with me. I found it refreshing. It was what kind of inspired this to begin with to be honest.
So yeah, I’ll hit this and try again for tomorrow.
There is so much bad shit running through my mind right now. A lot of unknowns. I won’t get into specifics. But if what the unknown is what turns out to be what I think it is, then I’m going to be like *poof* pissed the fuck off. Aside from that, I’ll be extremely hurt, heartbroken, amongst another things. So, like I said, without being so specific here (because I really have absolutely no idea what really is happening at this point, contact unknown) I just really need to get my mind elsewhere. So, it’s here. Here it is. In my happy place. Here goes it. Here it goes.
Work this week. MIND FUCK. I think I mentioned this before, but I sit RIGHT NEXT TO MY BOSS. This is a huge problem for me. Mostly because I’m always somehow getting sales and numbers or whatever the fuck they want this month, but never at my desk. Hmmmmmmm…………..I just kinda float. So now that my boss can see me AT ALL TIMES, he can literally see me, at all fucking times. He keeps watch on me. He told me today I’m his project. Whenever he sees me talking to other people he shoos me away from them. I guess that’s good. I’m just trying to get someone to smoke a cig with me TO BE HONEST.
Then some other fuckery happened. A good, good, person got let go. Fuck this place. FUCK this place. UGH. I walk around with a target. Why am I not gone? I’m waiting for it. It’s my ammo for another gig. Ugh, I hate new jobs. I’m so fucking weird. I’m SO fucking weird. Whatever.
I’m really glad my dog is getting along with 1 of these 2 cats. The other went crazy and attacked me and the dog so it went to bed with my friends daughter who I am watching along with her house for the night. I had to bring my fur baby along too! She had so much fun in the car! Weeeee!
I took like 8225895828982023093owiotei (an estimate) pictures of her with her face out the window smiling! She looks so happy! Weeeeeeeeee Maizy!
Okay, so the thing that I don’t know about if it’s a thing I don’t know about. I’m just going to figure this whole shishkabob out in the morning. I’m totally stealing wifi from my friend who is actually stealing it from someone else. Hacker life.
So my internet has been temporarily disabled. Which is why I haven’t updated my blog. Epic fail. Man. I have been trying to stay in a positive mind set and it’s actually working.
Yes I just pulled that one.
I also just want to add that I repaired a broken friendship recently and it feels nice. Taking things slowly of course but I’m glad we are back in action. I’m upset we ever were apart but sometimes we all need space. For whatever reason or another we all have our moments, and I respect that because shit, I damn sure have a hell of a lot of moments.
Also, my amazing hello kitty soul sister sent this to me via US Postal Service! Yes, it still exists!
Well if I haven’t eaten up too much data I’ll post. Tags later at work. Hehehehe.
Omg today was PERFECTION.
In addition to being completely pissed off from people just not knowing how to do their jobs at all, I just get told all day long how hard I need to try. Just push, push, push. It’s the end of the month. Come on! Let’s rally! Woo!
I get it. I do. But like, do you get it? The struggle is real in the sales world.
I listen like a champ. But do I really “listen?” No. I don’t. This is what I hear.
And finally, and most importantly….
I mean, it’s kinda funny. Don’t you think? I don’t give a shit at this point how many people love me or hate me here, there, or anywhere. You can’t please everyone. Well, technically speaking you can. They’re called hoes.
You have friends. Frenemies. And enemies. I am drawing the line. You’re either in, or you’re out. No in betweeners. If you don’t have me all the way, I don’t want any part of you jn my life. My life comes with a lot of this:
It feels so good to vent to the Internet. Especially since I’m on the verge of a mini panic attack. *Whew*
I can’t snap myself out of it. I don’t want to get into the details because it’s not really my shit to talk about. But right now I’m having one of those moments where everything is just piling up at once. I’m having moments of clarity where I think people have much worse, and why am I bitching/worrying about X, Y or Z right now? I get lost inside my head sometimes. I can’t control my thoughts in my head. This translates into not censoring the things that come out of my mouth.
Right now I think I’m just having a downward mini spiral of bipolar. Not a full blown one. Just a mini one brought on by multiple fucked up things happening all at once, my stress level and my crazy anxiety. I’m just trying to think optimistically but sometimes it’s not always so easy.
I find things like this on the Internet and then I’m reminded that you know what, just snap out of it. (If you read my bio, you’ll see that I love all things about the Internet)
So there. I’ll just push the reset button. I have a feeling I won’t sleep so I hope my alarm wakes me up and I’m not late for work since I didn’t make it in today.
welcome to my happy place 