Feeling Feelings

I have been feeling feelings for evil today. I heard the song “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey and it just made me think of him. It’s weird because I heard the song this morning before I went to work, then when I came home from work the letter I wrote him in treatment came back today (almost a month later) return to sender. I guess I had the address wrong. I was going off memory and I always GPS’ed the address, so I wasn’t sure if it was even correct. Here’s the song, and the lyrics.

“Blue jeans, white shirt
Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn
It was like, James Dean, for sure
You’re so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer
You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop
But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know
That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time

Big dreams, gangster
Said you had to leave to start your life over
I was like, “No please, stay here,
We don’t need no money we can make it all work, ”
But he headed out on Sunday, said he’d come on Monday
I stayed up waitin’, anticipatin’, and pacin’
But he was chasing paper
“Caught up in the game” ‒ that was the last I heard

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time

You went out every night
And baby that’s alright
I told you that no matter what you did I’d be by your side
Cause Imma ride or die
Whether you fail or fly
Well shit at least you tried.
But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more, but that’s not what I had in mind
I just want it like before
We were dancing all night
Then they took you away, stole you out of my life
You just need to remember….

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time”

It just really hits me. He really hits me. I don’t like to think about him, about us. Because whenever I do I get really sad, confused, I don’t know what to do, what to think. There is nothing to think about right now because we are in two completely different places. I went through treatment and I’m out living my life. He’s in treatment, not by choice but court ordered for 6 months. So where does that leave us? There was so much left unsaid. It hurts. I hate feeling these feelings. That’s what sobriety is about. Feeling all the feelings that you covered up in your active addiction. They come out, and boy are they fucking STRONG.

I know there’s nothing I can do about it, which I guess that’s a good thing. I know that if I could act on these feelings, it might not necessarily be a good thing. I guess that’s why it’s good to have distractions for now. I broke up with good for a reason. It wasn’t fair to string him along, especially since he is such a sweet guy, and he deserves better, which isn’t me. I’m not quite sure what I want right now, but I know he isn’t it. I know that I had a lot of intense feelings for him while I was in treatment, but as soon as I left and saw him again, the feelings just weren’t there. Plus I’ve already cheated on him. The day after we broke up I hooked up with someone else. I obviously have no soul. My heart is clearly elsewhere. Until I get that back, maybe I am just better with distractions.

But I guess if I truly loved evil too I wouldn’t be seeking distractions either? I can’t be sure things will ever work between us. I can’t just cut myself off completely from dating and sex when I don’t even know if we’ll ever work, if he’ll ever change. He hasn’t yet. I don’t know if he’s capable, if he wants to. He hasn’t yet. He’s not even in treatment because he wants to be, he’s there because he has to be. I went because I wanted to get better. That’s the difference between us. Could it ever work? Could I ever trust him because of that? The trust has never been there completely before. That’s the thing about sober relationships, is that you can’t do someone elses recovery for them. But I’m the kind of person who will always want to. I was once told when you start trying to do someone elses recovery for them is when you start losing focus on your own, and that’s when you are most likely to fuck up. So essentially I’m asking for a disaster either way. I know I should avoid him at all costs, everyone tells me so, all the signs tell me to, but my heart says something else.

I’m obviously not going to do anything about this. I just got really emotional when I heard that song. My heart skipped a beat, then almost stopped for a minute. I literally stopped getting ready this morning and listened to it twice. I was stopped dead in my tracks, I couldn’t move. I just became so overwhelmed. It’s like, you don’t think about something for so long because you shove it so deep inside that eventually it just explodes.

I just need to keep my schedule filled with hotties. Line them up, so that by the time that evil gets out of rehab I’m all like what, who are you? Look how good I look, and I’m so busy with all my male friends, and I’m not a slut I’m just “sexually popular.” (It’s a thing now. I just made it up but it’s a thing, it’s not slutty, it’s trendy.)

Tomorrow should be a good day. I’m going to attempt to sleep in tomorrow. Then I’m going to go shopping with my mom. I want to hit up my favorite store in Ann Arbor to get me some new leggings! I used to hate leggings, and said they aren’t pants. However, I now see that if you have the appropriate body to wear them, they can be worn as pants. I guess I opposed to them because I couldn’t wear them. When I got my first pair I asked like 29350802358 people if I looked okay wearing them because I was still in the process of losing weight and wasn’t sure if I could pull the look off. However all 89275928359028 people reassured me that I could. (I convinced myself that the gold metallic leggings I was about to purchase at the time would never come in handy however, nor did not look right no matter how fucked up I got, so I decided against it at the last minute) Then I want to try and hit up Kohl’s to score a few pair of jeans.Then my boo boo wants to have a Cards Against Humanity night at her house. I’m alwaysssss down to play that game, always a good time with that crowd. Should be a good time.

So now I’m going to try and stop feeling feelings. My ex is messaging me on facebook telling me he misses me, loves me, all that. I have a couple other guys texting me dirty messages. (Not that I mind, but I’m not in the mood to entertain this tonight) Can someone just put a pause on feelings for tonight?

Faith

When people fuck up, everyone loses faith. I guess when someone fucks up, I don’t lose faith. I have even more faith then ever. Maybe it’s because I’m prone to fucking up, so I know that a turn around is just around the corner. But fuck up and faith begin with the same letter so, that’s symbolic to me. I guess with conversations I’ve had to have today, most of them on defensive mode, inspired this blog.

I can’t explain why I feel the way I feel. But when you know it, you go with it. I’ve been where people had no faith in me, and gave up on me. Most people have. Why shouldn’t they? What good am I? I can’t get my shit together to save my life. I barely try. I only really give a shit about myself. I hear it all the time. From my friends and my family. It’s the truth, it’s just not the whole truth. I care about other people way more than I give a shit about myself, but I’ll never show it because having feelings scares the shit out of me.

But back to having faith, I have faith in a person that no one else does right now. I give a shit maybe because no one else does. I have faith because I have feelings and know this person means well. I don’t need to justify and defend them, they are good through and through. They get down on their knees and pray to do well. I have faith they will do right by me, and that’s all I can ask. I have faith. ❤

PS – Happy Birthday to a former friend who I lost contact with and we no longer speak to, and who doesn’t read this. But, I think of you and our friendship. We just fell out of touch after I fell out of our circle and shit but I miss you and I think I’ll shoot you a text right now.

Update – I reached out to my friend and she responded. Awesome sauce.

Also, this show is the tits:

Another update – Ran out of episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (started last night) so I moved on to House of Cards. Again, house of tits because I like to emphasize anything with tits or fuck, because that’s how I roll. Kevin Spacey is tits. Sounds A+ to me.

Caught the clock at my birthday time! (4/29) I’m really pushing through and trying to find faith in myself today. I don’t know if it’s positive thinking, pot, happy thoughts, or content.

Whatever it is, I like having my happy place (here) to come to to share my randomness. My life is a fuckfest. I need to get my ass to work. I wish work fit around my custom schedule sometimes. Like I could deal with my bullshit and work. But I can’t. I am just hoping that everything will be a-ok. Like it has to be, right? I received more information leading me to believe that it won’t be, but I am just going to let go, and let God. I know that seems a little cheesy but, whatever. When I called my team lead this morning to tell him I wasn’t coming in and what the situation was, he said a prayer with me. I found it refreshing. It was what kind of inspired this to begin with to be honest.

So yeah, I’ll hit this and try again for tomorrow.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Jack Johnson really had it right when he wrote that song. There’s one thing you must know about me. I HATE WAITING ON PEOPLE. I had to post for two reasons. One because I’m pissed I’m waiting on someone to come home.

Second, MY INTERNET HAS BEEN RESTORED!

My sister and I were kind of arguing so I made up with her, so my heart feels a little lighter because of that. Plus I have amazing girlfriends that I can call and be like. What the fuck are we bitching about? We’re awesome! This, this, this, and this may suck, but there’s always a thunderstorm before a rainbow. Right, bitches?

(What, I couldn’t put a regular rainbow in there. I googled “trippy rainbows”)

So I guess that’s it for me. I can’t think of anything else to post. I think I’ll let song lyrics will let take over my thoughts.

One other thing to add… here’s the weather forecast for metro Detroit this week. EEEEE!