Look good, feel good? Trying.

Having a shitty ass fucking day, so I’m trying this whole mindset that if you look good, then you’ll feel good. Instead of laying around in my PJ’s, watching Netflix and being a bum, I decided to get cute as fuck and go out and about and run errands. We shall see where the day takes me.

I am going to take my pup to get groomed & get her nails trimmed and painted of course. Then there’s a store riiiiiiiiiiiight down the street I’m going to look for cheap flats for. Last year I got a bunch of cute simple ones for like $3 each. I’m also going to see if they have a collar for Maizy that’s really scary looking. Like black with silver spikes. It’s more for protection because whenever someone drives, walks, talks, does anything too close to my house she jumps up on the couch an looks out the window. If they are there for a long time, or she doesn’t like it, she’ll start barking. Most people are already afraid of her, so if I make her look even scarier, especially if someone saw her in my window while I wasn’t home. Yeah, they could still proceed, but she’s loud as fuck so she’s my little security system/door bell. I’m so happy we found each other. Maybe if she’s good at the store she’ll get toys and treats too. We’ll see because she gets SOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo exited, and she’s pretty strong, and heavy, and I have a hard time controlling her. (I refuse to get a choke collar) I just have to yell heel constantly and then she’s like oh yeah, and then 10 seconds later forgets. So cute.

This should be interesting…….. considering I also tried something to get happy. Hey don’t judge me… it’s only 4:40 PM and I got started around 4:15… hehehe

Possible Birthday Dress and more Rambling

Possibly party dress for my birthday this year. I’ll be 29 on April 29 (my golden birthday!) I’m throwing a Unicorn, Princess, Anything Goes party…. So it should be interesting and crazy, Just the way I want it.

I already have matching shoes. Or I could get better ones. Two posts in one night. Yep. Not doing shit. I even rearranged the furniture in my living room. I made calls to some people, sent texts. I don’t expect people to pick up every single one of my calls or respond to every single one of my texts. However, under the circumstances I have been under recently, I think some of you owe me like a “hey, I was doing (fill in the blank.)” Even though I know it’s bullshit. Further proving my point that most people are bullshit, and they’re all full of bullshit.

Which brings me to my next point. I know people think I’m bullshit, and I’m this, and I’m that. I’m pretty sure they think I’m fake and judgmental too. However I’m NONE of those things. What’s funny is ALL of those people fake as fuck. They don’t like me for the the exact same shit they do to me. So here’s what I have to say to you on the internet. Because if I do see you in real life someday, somewhere, and it will happen, I will eye fuck the shit out of you (my way of saying staring) then probably laugh.

Thank you for dedicating part of your day to think about me. Even if it’s something vulgar and negative, you still thought it out, talked about it. So I still cross your mind. I must get to you for some reason and jealousy seems to be the real problem here. I think the image speaks for itself, so again, thank you for making me feel important.

Also, just as a reminder…. I just whipped this up. The quality sucks but I forgot to save it as a different file type but whatevs 🙂

Also, I updated my about me page! Check it out!

What an amazing feeling

My mom took me shopping last night because dress pants I have, (in every color too) and most of my blazers all don’t fit me. It wasn’t too long ago we bought a lot of this stuff because nothing else fit because I had gained too much weight. Anyway, I didn’t want to brag because really this post is really like my online journal. There were a few problems with my real journals. 1, I had a hand injury from a car accident so writing hurts like a bitch and 2, I hardly ever go back and read what I write (just basic proof reading) but if I I put it out there on the internet world with other bloggers using tags and other shit, then it can help someone. There’s other like us. SO ANYWAY. /rant hehe

I got a pair of some killer black pants and the same ones in grey, or is it gray, Whatever. Then I got this smashing blazer with that’s a 3/4 sleeve, but the button was missing. The button wouldn’t have fit over my big ass boobs anyway, but I got 50% off on it. Let’s see, I also got a basic black pencil skirt which is pretty nice cause you can day it from day wear to night wear (it’s stretchy so if you just pulled it up to make it super short and slutty it would stay.) My mom also insisted I get this black and grey leopard dress. I thought it was ugly as hell but once I tried it on it was totally cute. It’s a wrap dress too. (I should be taking pictures but I am also applying for jobs. SUE ME)

THEN they had some summer dresses they had pulled out, marked down, and ticketed limited quantity. So to my surprise I fit into a much smaller size (the only one available too) and I can’t even begin to tell you how good that felt. I didn’t even know what pants size to pick out. I started a size under what I thought and just kept going down. I have been SO SELF CONSCIOUS of my body and the weight gain that this stupid bipolar medication did to me. It like killed my spirit, because who wants to be happy when they’re over weight, they really can’t control it, they want to hide all the time, and they KNOW IT’S ALL ANYONE EVER SAYS WHEN THEIR NAME COMES UP. Come on, I’m shallow and I’ve done it, don’t say you haven’t too, because you’re either lying or you’re this guy:

It feels good to be a clothes whore again, even though I am flat fucking broke without a job. LOTS OF JOB PROSPECTS. But still, I can look at something and think I can’t buy that because I can’t wear it because you can’t wear shit like that anymore because you’re bipolar and the meds they have you on made you gain so much weight. UGH. I have been researching getting more involved with mental illness awareness because there is SUCH a stigma involved with it.

After being diagnosed as bipolar, my doctor just kept increasing my meds, just more, and more, and more, and more. Never asked how I was doing or anything. She ultimately made me WORSE. Put me into a BIGGER depression. Yeah I took the meds, but you just kept giving me more, and that’s not what I needed.

The circumstances that lead me to my doctor now are pretty fucked up and I really don’t think I want to talk about that on here but what he isn’t is a pill pusher. I feel like every doctor in the private mental health world is a pill pusher. And hey, I know how it works too. I worked in a medical office for 3 years, I know about the deals they make with the drug companies, and how they wine & dine them to push their drugs. I use to schedule the appointments with the drug reps to meet with the doctors. They had to get through ME. So they used to butter me up. So it’s all bull shit in the private practice, which is why I’m glad I ended up on the state level.

My ADHD is kicking into OVERLOAD right now. I’ve done 2398508 things today already and still have more to come. My post originally was just about how proud I am of myself for overcoming the depression I had over everything, and then over the weight gain and found a way to be strong and do something about it. Because for SO LONG I talked about doing something about it. I would even make the effort for a couple of weeks to do something about it, but then give up hope. Not that I didn’t care, but I can’t explain it. I guess other people who struggle with mental illness can maybe understand that emptiness inside?

I can’t say I wasn’t somewhat motivated because I’ve always had a job. The longest I haven’t had a job was 4 months and there was a lot of fuccccccccckkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeedddddddddd up shit that happened then so I needed like a mental break. But as soon as I made a call to an old pal, I got an interview for the job I just got fired from.

So the medication and my old doctor was definitely disabling me from moving forward for uhhhhhhh 4 years, almost 5. My doctor said I have a CLEAR malpractice suit, but for what? Still ADHD is kicking in.

Oh yeah, so I lost weight, and I’m really happy for the summer. I did manage to take 2 pics last night of these dresses. On sale! Limited quantities. I know we were looking for business gear but uhhhhhhh, what can I say we’re shopaholics.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Injured for cutness

So if you read my last post you know that I went to Bed Bath & Beyond last night. Well, I’m posting today from one of my many new at home work stations so I did not get lost in the beyond. (YAY) Although, if I did, it would’ve been with these studs:

(I wanted an excuse to use that pic because it was super cute)

So anyway things haven’t been all bad since I lost my job. I have been trying to maintain a positive attitude. I am maintaining a schedule, running errands, keeping busy and organized. I could let my mental illnesses completely sweep me up, and then where would I be? Well, I’ll tell you where. Probably crawling back to my dad’s house. That’s honestly the LAST place I want to end up because that will mean 32892390582 steps in the WRONG direction for me. Our relationship is improving and I’d like to keep it that way. He shows he cares in the completely wrong way, but I don’t think he knows any better. Even though I’m the one who is hurting, desperate, in need of so much help, he attacks me, and I’m supposed to handle him. I should know better by now I guess. My 29th birthday is a month from tomorrow. My guest list might be a little smaller, but I am still having my Unicorn Princess Party.

Another exciting thing that happened this week is that I had my house inspected by the city housing department. My landlord lives in California so he has this guy “managing” it for him. So anything I need I’m supposed to go to him. Well, I have lived here since November and have paid my rent on time no problem. I have simply asked for them to fix things that are reasonable, and he just runs me around in circles and doesn’t do shit about anything. I found it very odd my landlord in California gave me the city inspectors contact information so freely, but he did, so I used it. I had an inspection yesterday and the inspector told me as soon as he left my house he was going to write the report and send it off to the landlord, and send me a copy. There were things I had concerns about but they found other things I didn’t even give much thought about. Now they are on notice from the city and they have 30 days from yesterday’s date to make all of the repairs or else……

I also found out that the guy he had managing the complex never made the landlord aware of ANY of my complaints. So when I said I thought it was sketchy he gave the inspectors number out so freely, he thought he had nothing to hide because he was told everything was already taken care of. My landlord tells me work is going to be started right away, and I immediately think it’s going to be the same douche that I’ve been dealing with this entire time. He reassures me he has someone else handling all of the work. So all of this took place yesterday afternoon, and my landlord scheduled a contractor to come out and price out the repairs this morning.

At this point I’m still thinking my landlord could still say fuck the repairs I’m just going to trash the place. The guy who came to do the estimate and who will be working on my house is cool as fuck. (This is a huge bonus because every person that has come to some sort of maintenance or installation in my house has been super creepy/rape-y) He called me back a little bit after leaving and said he wrote up an estimate that my landlord approved. Funny how my landlord will respond to other people. but not to me. I can see when he reads his text messages because he has an iPhone too, but he goes silent. So, I got another resource to help me along in this process….

Well, no, not her. I think that would take too long. I got some free legal advice. I am waiting for a call back because technically I don’t have to pay my rent until my house passes the city inspection. My rent is due on April 7, and the inspection is on April 27. I would just need to borrow some money from some kind family member, open up an escrow account with the inspection letter and boom. I’m all set for the rent, they can’t touch me on that. There’s a few other things they are liable for which is why I am trying to see what my rights are without getting too dirty here because I don’t want to get evicted. They don’t have any legal grounds to evict me, so they would have an even bigger shit storm if they tried to do that. Alright well, that took a lot of time.

As I mentioned I have lived here since November and it really hasn’t felt too homey mostly because I have been on their ass trying to get things fixed, so now that they have to, I’m starting to put more effort into things I guess. Even though right now I don’t have a job. I’m staying positive! My mom bought me some curtains for one of the windows in my kitchen/living room. We figured if we liked them we could go back and get more since they were marked down. Well I was determined to put them up myself today. BAD IDEA.

I fell off and through the chair and broke it. I cut my leg pretty bad on the wood and knocked the wind out of me. I’m pissed because now that’s another thing I have to buy that I don’t have to buy. I have a lot of different colors of glitter glue, maybe that will hold?

I did get the curtains up.

I also got this while in the beyond of BB&B

When I say I got this, I don’t mean me, my mom/personal shopper. I also got some other useless shit like a pink flip clock, a tart burner, some amazing candles, a paper towel rack, candy and this sweet ass cup.

Alright I think I’m going to give this blogging a rest. It’s 5:30 and although I have gotten a lot accomplished today I’m still sitting here in my glasses, unshowered with no food in the house. I don’t have any plans either so I’m not exactly sure what I’m getting ready for butttttttttt ya never know.