Feeling Feelings

I have been feeling feelings for evil today. I heard the song “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey and it just made me think of him. It’s weird because I heard the song this morning before I went to work, then when I came home from work the letter I wrote him in treatment came back today (almost a month later) return to sender. I guess I had the address wrong. I was going off memory and I always GPS’ed the address, so I wasn’t sure if it was even correct. Here’s the song, and the lyrics.

“Blue jeans, white shirt
Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn
It was like, James Dean, for sure
You’re so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer
You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop
But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know
That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time

Big dreams, gangster
Said you had to leave to start your life over
I was like, “No please, stay here,
We don’t need no money we can make it all work, ”
But he headed out on Sunday, said he’d come on Monday
I stayed up waitin’, anticipatin’, and pacin’
But he was chasing paper
“Caught up in the game” ‒ that was the last I heard

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time

You went out every night
And baby that’s alright
I told you that no matter what you did I’d be by your side
Cause Imma ride or die
Whether you fail or fly
Well shit at least you tried.
But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more, but that’s not what I had in mind
I just want it like before
We were dancing all night
Then they took you away, stole you out of my life
You just need to remember….

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time”

It just really hits me. He really hits me. I don’t like to think about him, about us. Because whenever I do I get really sad, confused, I don’t know what to do, what to think. There is nothing to think about right now because we are in two completely different places. I went through treatment and I’m out living my life. He’s in treatment, not by choice but court ordered for 6 months. So where does that leave us? There was so much left unsaid. It hurts. I hate feeling these feelings. That’s what sobriety is about. Feeling all the feelings that you covered up in your active addiction. They come out, and boy are they fucking STRONG.

I know there’s nothing I can do about it, which I guess that’s a good thing. I know that if I could act on these feelings, it might not necessarily be a good thing. I guess that’s why it’s good to have distractions for now. I broke up with good for a reason. It wasn’t fair to string him along, especially since he is such a sweet guy, and he deserves better, which isn’t me. I’m not quite sure what I want right now, but I know he isn’t it. I know that I had a lot of intense feelings for him while I was in treatment, but as soon as I left and saw him again, the feelings just weren’t there. Plus I’ve already cheated on him. The day after we broke up I hooked up with someone else. I obviously have no soul. My heart is clearly elsewhere. Until I get that back, maybe I am just better with distractions.

But I guess if I truly loved evil too I wouldn’t be seeking distractions either? I can’t be sure things will ever work between us. I can’t just cut myself off completely from dating and sex when I don’t even know if we’ll ever work, if he’ll ever change. He hasn’t yet. I don’t know if he’s capable, if he wants to. He hasn’t yet. He’s not even in treatment because he wants to be, he’s there because he has to be. I went because I wanted to get better. That’s the difference between us. Could it ever work? Could I ever trust him because of that? The trust has never been there completely before. That’s the thing about sober relationships, is that you can’t do someone elses recovery for them. But I’m the kind of person who will always want to. I was once told when you start trying to do someone elses recovery for them is when you start losing focus on your own, and that’s when you are most likely to fuck up. So essentially I’m asking for a disaster either way. I know I should avoid him at all costs, everyone tells me so, all the signs tell me to, but my heart says something else.

I’m obviously not going to do anything about this. I just got really emotional when I heard that song. My heart skipped a beat, then almost stopped for a minute. I literally stopped getting ready this morning and listened to it twice. I was stopped dead in my tracks, I couldn’t move. I just became so overwhelmed. It’s like, you don’t think about something for so long because you shove it so deep inside that eventually it just explodes.

I just need to keep my schedule filled with hotties. Line them up, so that by the time that evil gets out of rehab I’m all like what, who are you? Look how good I look, and I’m so busy with all my male friends, and I’m not a slut I’m just “sexually popular.” (It’s a thing now. I just made it up but it’s a thing, it’s not slutty, it’s trendy.)

Tomorrow should be a good day. I’m going to attempt to sleep in tomorrow. Then I’m going to go shopping with my mom. I want to hit up my favorite store in Ann Arbor to get me some new leggings! I used to hate leggings, and said they aren’t pants. However, I now see that if you have the appropriate body to wear them, they can be worn as pants. I guess I opposed to them because I couldn’t wear them. When I got my first pair I asked like 29350802358 people if I looked okay wearing them because I was still in the process of losing weight and wasn’t sure if I could pull the look off. However all 89275928359028 people reassured me that I could. (I convinced myself that the gold metallic leggings I was about to purchase at the time would never come in handy however, nor did not look right no matter how fucked up I got, so I decided against it at the last minute) Then I want to try and hit up Kohl’s to score a few pair of jeans.Then my boo boo wants to have a Cards Against Humanity night at her house. I’m alwaysssss down to play that game, always a good time with that crowd. Should be a good time.

So now I’m going to try and stop feeling feelings. My ex is messaging me on facebook telling me he misses me, loves me, all that. I have a couple other guys texting me dirty messages. (Not that I mind, but I’m not in the mood to entertain this tonight) Can someone just put a pause on feelings for tonight?

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone! I survived my first night out being sober in a “wet” environment. It’s not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Not for me at least, but the temptation isn’t there. I’m not a big drinker. Some of the people I was with were on some stuff, but again, not tempted. I guess it’s because I know and realize how bad my addiction is and I really have no desire to add fuel to its fire. I guess my willpower is strong enough to just be comfortable in my surroundings. The people around me can do whatever they want, get as fucked up as they want, and I can just do me. I’m obviously still going to have just as much fun as everyone else, and I sure as hell did, let me tell you 😉

My day started off pretty casual. I hung out at my friends house for a little bit. I got there maybe around 3ish. Not sure. She left work early because she wasn’t feeling well, but felt okay by the time I got there. I made sure she was in good spirits and still wanted to go out before I got there. She made sure she wanted to go out no matter what. We dicked around for a little bit. We went to Walmart and got our kitty accessories for our costumes, then some food. We smashed then dropped her son off, then met her brother and his friend up at a restaurant near her house. (and my old house)

A little back story, her brother and I have always had this weird, flirtatious thing going on. We don’t necessarily like each other. Only in certain social situations. However the last time we were together I turned him town (this was right before I went to rehab, and I was certainly not in any condition to go home with anyone, so I give myself major props for turning him down, even though I didn’t necessarily want to.) So the last couple of weeks I have been trying to get him to hang out with me, however he’s been a total douche bag. For some reason, his rejection has been hurting my feelings, despite the fact that I know he’s a complete asshole. It still hurts when someone turns you down. ANYWAY, we met up with him and within the first half hour we were already hardcore flirting with each other. (Is this bad considering I broke up with my boyfriend only the day before, and the last time we hooked up I had just broken up with my boyfriend the day before as well? Oh well.) Sometimes it just makes you feel good when you look good, you feel good, you know you’re doing good, and someone’s picking up what you’re putting down, even if they’re an asshole. I guess that makes it even better.

After the group had a few drinks, we went back to my friends house so we could get ready. We then went to a corn maze because we had free tickets. I DID NOT WANT TO GO. Okay, something about being stuck in a giant maze in the dark doesn’t sound fun at ALL. So naturally we got lost. There were SO MANY CIRCLES. I got ready to go out in my dress and everything before the corn maze so I had leggings and my friends boots on. Thank god I did because it was a muddy ass disaster. My friend and I ended up getting separated from the boys. We got super lost and decided to just go back the way we came. (Which ended up being hard as fuck.) We couldn’t take very long anyway because in order to not pay cover at the bar we had to get there before 9. Mission accomplished.

We thought that the bar would be hopping considering it was almost Halloween. It wasn’t. I encouraged my friend to get drunk anyway because of the great drink specials. It seemed to work. No decent guys there either. Total bummer. Maybe next time? I’d post pictures of my friend and I together, but I only post pictures of myself to protect the identities of all my friends.

Here’s a picture of the dress I wore: (It was totally snug the last time I tried it on. It’s so loose now. It’s a Betsey Johnson)

After we let the bar, we decided to go back to my friends house and play a little beer pong were the heavy flirting continued. What can I say? I dressed up as a sex kitten! (not to be confused with a sexy kitten, hehe) It just comes with the territory. Somewhere around 1:00 it was time to leave, however I wasn’t quite ready to go, if you know what I mean…. 😉

I got home somewhere around 2:30 where my dad bitched me out about how my dog kept waking him up and shit. Uhhhh, why don’t you just put her in my room where she sleeps every night? The same place she goes where she doesn’t wake you up? DUHHHH. He’s being a total douche. I’m almost 30 years old and I really don’t have to explain who the fuck I was with. If you really want to know, I can tell you in exact detail WHO I was doing, yes WHO I was doing, not WHAT I was doing, but since I’m your little girl, I’m pretty fucking sure you don’t want to hear that. I know it’s because I’m “fragile’ just coming out of rehab, but dude, I’ve done this before, I know what my limits are. I know what to do and not to do. I got this.

So that’s the tale of last night. I don’t have any plans for today, actual Halloween. I’m pretty tired. I didn’t get to bed until pretty late then my dog woke me up pretty early. I didn’t have any time to buy her a costume, because she’s so big I’d have to order it online. So instead I found my old ladybug costume from circa 2006 and put it on her. She didn’t seem to mind at all.

I’m just going to be rocking out in this tee all day that I bought for Halloween last year (which I am swimming in because it’s so big on me, but it’s all I have!) with my orange and black eyeshadow on. Peace out dudes!

Devil’s Night

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. (My boyfriend named good if you have been following along.) I’ve been out of treatment for 2 weeks and 1 day. When I was in treatment I had so many intense feelings for him. I would write him letters everyday about how much I loved and missed him. However once I got out, I didn’t feel the same. It’s like a switch flipped inside of me. I don’t know how to explain it, and it totally crushed him. But I had to explain to him that I’m going in one direction, and he’s just standing still. He’s still not working, he doesn’t have a car, or a license. How can I move forward when he isn’t? It’s not fair to me. I want someone who is motivated, and right now it seems like I’m his only motivation. That’s so much pressure. I’ve actually been meaning to break up with him since I got out, but I knew this would absolutely crush him, so I’ve been putting it off.

I told him we can be friends, because I feel like that’s what we’ve been lately. He said that’s all he hears, that he’ll be friends with his ex and it never works out. He knows that I’ll move on and find someone else. Maybe I will? I don’t know. He was very good to me. But lately, since he ran out of money, and he doesn’t have a job, everything has been on me. I’m selfish, I want someone to take care of me. I know this about myself. He did that before, and he knows that about me. He knows he needs to step up. I told him that if he can get his shit together, maybe things will change. I’m giving him a silver lining but do I think we’ll get back together? Probably not. I think the chapter is closed. I don’t think I’ll have those feelings for him again. Which brings me to my next point….

I’m ready to move on. I still have hope that evil & I will get back together. He’s currently in a treatment center for 6 months. I know our relationship won’t work if he doesn’t stay sober. I don’t know if he’s capable of doing it. I want him to be. I hold on to it. But again, I should just move on. 6 months is a long time. I can’t just sit around and wait for him for 6 months. So I’m not. Just because I’m sober, doesn’t mean I can’t have fun, have a social life. Go out and meet new people. Which is EXACTLY what I’ll be doing tonight.

I remember 5 years ago the first time I got sober the first time I went out was at a Halloween party with a good group of people. I wasn’t uncomfortable, I felt totally fine in my environment. People were drinking, having a good time. I had an out if I wanted to leave. I was with a good friend who understood my situation and wouldn’t put me in harms way. She knew that it was a huge leap for me to even come to the party, and knew that I probably wouldn’t stay long, and it was my first venture after my stint in rehab. Well, tonight I’m going to experience that all over again. I’m going to “test the waters” I guess. I’ll be fine. Drinking doesn’t really do it for me, I think drunk people are hilarious.

I mostly want to go out because I love being slutty on Halloween. Plus I have a lot to celebrate. (with water!) I just got a new job, I’m newly single, newly sober, I’m fresh out on the prowl. I want to help my friend troll for some new dudes, and she’s going to help me do the same. The best part is, I WON’T HAVE BEER GOGGLES. See example below.

I can also help my friend from this mistake.

The only problem is I have to wear a Halloween costume. I think I might just wear some slutty ass outfit and my Hello Kitty ears and call it a night. I told my friend to get some cat ears, draw on some whiskers and go as a sex kitten. (See what a good influence I am?)  Meowwww =^^=

My other friend came to me on Monday and said that she wanted to go to treatment. She had a court date on Wednesday, and after that she was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend because of his involvement with drugs and all the drama he brings. Well, it’s now Friday and she has yet to make any changes. I honestly don’t believe she’s going to do it. I know she NEEDS to do it, I PRAY she’ll do it. I told her this isn’t the type of thing you dwell on, or research. It’s the type of thing you just go and do. You pack your bags full of random shit. You don’t even know what you packed because you are just so worried about getting there, and then you fucking go. There’s no thinking, no researching, you just go, just do. I ended up re-friending her on Facebook just so I could kind of creep in on her life. I have no interest in being friends with her, taking her calls unless it’s about getting help. She’s very skinny, disgusting looking, crack addict looking. She initially told me that she just needs to go for depression. I told her that’s a load of bullshit. She needs to get honest with herself. She said she’s really good at manipulating doctors. I said well if you want to get better, you have to be honest. You have to tell all your doctors your an addict. You have to realize your body doesn’t know the difference between taking drugs for pain and for pleasure. I pray for her and her children’s sake she gets well. But until she checks herself in, I will not be taking her calls, entertaining her questions about treatment. Her main concern was detoxing. Really? Get over it.

Anyway, I’m going to load myself slap happy full of coffee this morning so I can finally get the motivation to sort through this mountain of shit in the basement that I call my belongings. I have THREE closets worth of clothes. Now that I have a job, I have to organize my shoes which are currently in a box. I can’t believe I treated them so badly. I hope they forgive me. I think I might need another treatment center….

Healthy selfies

Sorry for the lack of updates since I’ve been out of treatment. I just wanted to show you what a HEALTHY me looks like. No fucked up eyes or anything. I feel great.

Back from treatment

I just wanted to let you guys know I just got out of treatment today! I have 34 days clean! I am about to pick up my dog! I couldn’t be better! I managed to take a trip to Washington DC while in treatment. I will update you more later! I’m just so excited to be back to life!

<Font face=5>My sobriety date is September 11, 2015</font>