Look good, feel good? Trying.

Having a shitty ass fucking day, so I’m trying this whole mindset that if you look good, then you’ll feel good. Instead of laying around in my PJ’s, watching Netflix and being a bum, I decided to get cute as fuck and go out and about and run errands. We shall see where the day takes me.

I am going to take my pup to get groomed & get her nails trimmed and painted of course. Then there’s a store riiiiiiiiiiiight down the street I’m going to look for cheap flats for. Last year I got a bunch of cute simple ones for like $3 each. I’m also going to see if they have a collar for Maizy that’s really scary looking. Like black with silver spikes. It’s more for protection because whenever someone drives, walks, talks, does anything too close to my house she jumps up on the couch an looks out the window. If they are there for a long time, or she doesn’t like it, she’ll start barking. Most people are already afraid of her, so if I make her look even scarier, especially if someone saw her in my window while I wasn’t home. Yeah, they could still proceed, but she’s loud as fuck so she’s my little security system/door bell. I’m so happy we found each other. Maybe if she’s good at the store she’ll get toys and treats too. We’ll see because she gets SOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo exited, and she’s pretty strong, and heavy, and I have a hard time controlling her. (I refuse to get a choke collar) I just have to yell heel constantly and then she’s like oh yeah, and then 10 seconds later forgets. So cute.

This should be interesting…….. considering I also tried something to get happy. Hey don’t judge me… it’s only 4:40 PM and I got started around 4:15… hehehe

Injured for cutness

So if you read my last post you know that I went to Bed Bath & Beyond last night. Well, I’m posting today from one of my many new at home work stations so I did not get lost in the beyond. (YAY) Although, if I did, it would’ve been with these studs:

(I wanted an excuse to use that pic because it was super cute)

So anyway things haven’t been all bad since I lost my job. I have been trying to maintain a positive attitude. I am maintaining a schedule, running errands, keeping busy and organized. I could let my mental illnesses completely sweep me up, and then where would I be? Well, I’ll tell you where. Probably crawling back to my dad’s house. That’s honestly the LAST place I want to end up because that will mean 32892390582 steps in the WRONG direction for me. Our relationship is improving and I’d like to keep it that way. He shows he cares in the completely wrong way, but I don’t think he knows any better. Even though I’m the one who is hurting, desperate, in need of so much help, he attacks me, and I’m supposed to handle him. I should know better by now I guess. My 29th birthday is a month from tomorrow. My guest list might be a little smaller, but I am still having my Unicorn Princess Party.

Another exciting thing that happened this week is that I had my house inspected by the city housing department. My landlord lives in California so he has this guy “managing” it for him. So anything I need I’m supposed to go to him. Well, I have lived here since November and have paid my rent on time no problem. I have simply asked for them to fix things that are reasonable, and he just runs me around in circles and doesn’t do shit about anything. I found it very odd my landlord in California gave me the city inspectors contact information so freely, but he did, so I used it. I had an inspection yesterday and the inspector told me as soon as he left my house he was going to write the report and send it off to the landlord, and send me a copy. There were things I had concerns about but they found other things I didn’t even give much thought about. Now they are on notice from the city and they have 30 days from yesterday’s date to make all of the repairs or else……

I also found out that the guy he had managing the complex never made the landlord aware of ANY of my complaints. So when I said I thought it was sketchy he gave the inspectors number out so freely, he thought he had nothing to hide because he was told everything was already taken care of. My landlord tells me work is going to be started right away, and I immediately think it’s going to be the same douche that I’ve been dealing with this entire time. He reassures me he has someone else handling all of the work. So all of this took place yesterday afternoon, and my landlord scheduled a contractor to come out and price out the repairs this morning.

At this point I’m still thinking my landlord could still say fuck the repairs I’m just going to trash the place. The guy who came to do the estimate and who will be working on my house is cool as fuck. (This is a huge bonus because every person that has come to some sort of maintenance or installation in my house has been super creepy/rape-y) He called me back a little bit after leaving and said he wrote up an estimate that my landlord approved. Funny how my landlord will respond to other people. but not to me. I can see when he reads his text messages because he has an iPhone too, but he goes silent. So, I got another resource to help me along in this process….

Well, no, not her. I think that would take too long. I got some free legal advice. I am waiting for a call back because technically I don’t have to pay my rent until my house passes the city inspection. My rent is due on April 7, and the inspection is on April 27. I would just need to borrow some money from some kind family member, open up an escrow account with the inspection letter and boom. I’m all set for the rent, they can’t touch me on that. There’s a few other things they are liable for which is why I am trying to see what my rights are without getting too dirty here because I don’t want to get evicted. They don’t have any legal grounds to evict me, so they would have an even bigger shit storm if they tried to do that. Alright well, that took a lot of time.

As I mentioned I have lived here since November and it really hasn’t felt too homey mostly because I have been on their ass trying to get things fixed, so now that they have to, I’m starting to put more effort into things I guess. Even though right now I don’t have a job. I’m staying positive! My mom bought me some curtains for one of the windows in my kitchen/living room. We figured if we liked them we could go back and get more since they were marked down. Well I was determined to put them up myself today. BAD IDEA.

I fell off and through the chair and broke it. I cut my leg pretty bad on the wood and knocked the wind out of me. I’m pissed because now that’s another thing I have to buy that I don’t have to buy. I have a lot of different colors of glitter glue, maybe that will hold?

I did get the curtains up.

I also got this while in the beyond of BB&B

When I say I got this, I don’t mean me, my mom/personal shopper. I also got some other useless shit like a pink flip clock, a tart burner, some amazing candles, a paper towel rack, candy and this sweet ass cup.

Alright I think I’m going to give this blogging a rest. It’s 5:30 and although I have gotten a lot accomplished today I’m still sitting here in my glasses, unshowered with no food in the house. I don’t have any plans either so I’m not exactly sure what I’m getting ready for butttttttttt ya never know.

Lazy Sunday

Spending Sunday with my mom and our dogs trying to gather my thoughts and gear up for this week. I have to deal with reality tomorrow, and work. Oh work. I blew it off last week. So, it’s time to refocus. I just wanted to post this pic.

 

(My dog Maizy on the left, moms dog Mr. Big on the right)

So yeah, Sunday’s are usually my zen day. I’m so stressed over money right now. I have $15 to my name. I wonder how this is going to work out this week. As Tim Gunn would say….

Deep breaths. You got this.

I’m starting to feel anxiety over this week. Especially tomorrow. I’m getting my stuff back, but I don’t know what condition it’s in. I didn’t even think about that. Now comes the panic and the worry. I have no one here to try and talk me out of it. So, here goes my mind. But, no. Stop. It’ll be okay. You’ll figure this out. You’re figuring it out as you go and you’re doing okay, and you’ll continue to do okay. Just don’t fall completely apart. I’m so close to it, I feel like at any minute I’m about to shatter in a million little pieces. But I can’t and I won’t. I’m going to talk myself through and out of it.

Breathe.

PS – How can I be sad when I have this? I love my dog.

Faith

When people fuck up, everyone loses faith. I guess when someone fucks up, I don’t lose faith. I have even more faith then ever. Maybe it’s because I’m prone to fucking up, so I know that a turn around is just around the corner. But fuck up and faith begin with the same letter so, that’s symbolic to me. I guess with conversations I’ve had to have today, most of them on defensive mode, inspired this blog.

I can’t explain why I feel the way I feel. But when you know it, you go with it. I’ve been where people had no faith in me, and gave up on me. Most people have. Why shouldn’t they? What good am I? I can’t get my shit together to save my life. I barely try. I only really give a shit about myself. I hear it all the time. From my friends and my family. It’s the truth, it’s just not the whole truth. I care about other people way more than I give a shit about myself, but I’ll never show it because having feelings scares the shit out of me.

But back to having faith, I have faith in a person that no one else does right now. I give a shit maybe because no one else does. I have faith because I have feelings and know this person means well. I don’t need to justify and defend them, they are good through and through. They get down on their knees and pray to do well. I have faith they will do right by me, and that’s all I can ask. I have faith. ❤

PS – Happy Birthday to a former friend who I lost contact with and we no longer speak to, and who doesn’t read this. But, I think of you and our friendship. We just fell out of touch after I fell out of our circle and shit but I miss you and I think I’ll shoot you a text right now.

Update – I reached out to my friend and she responded. Awesome sauce.

Also, this show is the tits:

Another update – Ran out of episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (started last night) so I moved on to House of Cards. Again, house of tits because I like to emphasize anything with tits or fuck, because that’s how I roll. Kevin Spacey is tits. Sounds A+ to me.

Caught the clock at my birthday time! (4/29) I’m really pushing through and trying to find faith in myself today. I don’t know if it’s positive thinking, pot, happy thoughts, or content.

Whatever it is, I like having my happy place (here) to come to to share my randomness. My life is a fuckfest. I need to get my ass to work. I wish work fit around my custom schedule sometimes. Like I could deal with my bullshit and work. But I can’t. I am just hoping that everything will be a-ok. Like it has to be, right? I received more information leading me to believe that it won’t be, but I am just going to let go, and let God. I know that seems a little cheesy but, whatever. When I called my team lead this morning to tell him I wasn’t coming in and what the situation was, he said a prayer with me. I found it refreshing. It was what kind of inspired this to begin with to be honest.

So yeah, I’ll hit this and try again for tomorrow.

I need to get in a happy place NOW

There is so much bad shit running through my mind right now. A lot of unknowns. I won’t get into specifics. But if what the unknown is what turns out to be what I think it is, then I’m going to be like *poof* pissed the fuck off. Aside from that, I’ll be extremely hurt, heartbroken, amongst another things. So, like I said, without being so specific here (because I really have absolutely no idea what really is happening at this point, contact unknown) I just really need to get my mind elsewhere. So, it’s here. Here it is. In my happy place. Here goes it. Here it goes.

Work this week. MIND FUCK. I think I mentioned this before, but I sit RIGHT NEXT TO MY BOSS. This is a huge problem for me. Mostly because I’m always somehow getting sales and numbers or whatever the fuck they want this month, but never at my desk. Hmmmmmmm…………..I just kinda float. So now that my boss can see me AT ALL TIMES, he can literally see me, at all fucking times. He keeps watch on me. He told me today I’m his project. Whenever he sees me talking to other people he shoos me away from them. I guess that’s good. I’m just trying to get someone to smoke a cig with me TO BE HONEST.

Then some other fuckery happened. A good, good, person got let go. Fuck this place. FUCK this place. UGH. I walk around with a target. Why am I not gone? I’m waiting for it. It’s my ammo for another gig. Ugh, I hate new jobs. I’m so fucking weird. I’m SO fucking weird. Whatever.

I’m really glad my dog is getting along with 1 of these 2 cats. The other went crazy and attacked me and the dog so it went to bed with my friends daughter who I am watching along with her house for the night. I had to bring my fur baby along too! She had so much fun in the car! Weeeee!

I took like 8225895828982023093owiotei (an estimate) pictures of her with her face out the window smiling! She looks so happy! Weeeeeeeeee Maizy!

Okay, so the thing that I don’t know about if it’s a thing I don’t know about. I’m just going to figure this whole shishkabob out in the morning. I’m totally stealing wifi from my friend who is actually stealing it from someone else. Hacker life.

 

Wow internet broken

So my internet has been temporarily disabled. Which is why I haven’t updated my blog. Epic fail. Man. I have been trying to stay in a positive mind set and it’s actually working. 



Yes I just pulled that one. 

I also just want to add that I repaired a broken friendship recently and it feels nice. Taking things slowly of course but I’m glad we are back in action. I’m upset we ever were apart but sometimes we all need space. For whatever reason or another we all have our moments, and I respect that because shit, I damn sure have a hell of a lot of moments. 

Also, my amazing hello kitty soul sister sent this to me via US Postal Service! Yes, it still exists! 



Well if I haven’t eaten up too much data I’ll post. Tags later at work. Hehehehe. 

I think this is my best post EVERRRR!

Omg today was PERFECTION. 

In addition to being completely pissed off from people just not knowing how to do their jobs at all, I just get told all day long how hard I need to try. Just push, push, push. It’s the end of the month. Come on! Let’s rally! Woo! 

I get it. I do. But like, do you get it? The struggle is real in the sales world. 



I listen like a champ. But do I really “listen?” No. I don’t. This is what I hear. 







And finally, and most importantly….





I mean, it’s kinda funny. Don’t you think? I don’t give a shit at this point how many people love me or hate me here, there, or anywhere. You can’t please everyone. Well, technically speaking you can. They’re called hoes. 





You have friends. Frenemies. And enemies. I am drawing the line. You’re either in, or you’re out. No in betweeners. If you don’t have me all the way, I don’t want any part of you jn my life. My life comes with a lot of this: 





It feels so good to vent to the Internet. Especially since I’m on the verge of a mini panic attack. *Whew* 

Sad day

I can’t snap myself out of it. I don’t want to get into the details because it’s not really my shit to talk about. But right now I’m having one of those moments where everything is just piling up at once. I’m having moments of clarity where I think people have much worse, and why am I bitching/worrying about X, Y or Z right now? I get lost inside my head sometimes. I can’t control my thoughts in my head. This translates into not censoring the things that come out of my mouth. 

Right now I think I’m just having a downward mini spiral of bipolar. Not a full blown one. Just a mini one brought on by multiple fucked up things happening all at once, my stress level and my crazy anxiety. I’m just trying to think optimistically but sometimes it’s not always so easy. 

I find things like this on the Internet and then I’m reminded that you know what, just snap out of it. (If you read my bio, you’ll see that I love all things about the Internet) 



So there. I’ll just push the reset button. I have a feeling I won’t sleep so I hope my alarm wakes me up and I’m not late for work since I didn’t make it in today. 

I love you.

Exchanging a few quick texts with my bestie of almost 25 years inspired this post. I love you. No matter where my heads at, and vice versa, we say some dumb shit to each other and can still put a smile on each others face. 



























I can’t deal with anything today.

There’s just a lot going on. I just really wanted to post these funny minion memes about the weather. They’re making my miserable day and mood .0001% better. It’s a start, right? 

Maybe I’ll return later with a better attitude and post. After all, this is my happy place blog. Yeah, I know. Positivity rules and negativity drools here. I’m trying.