I need to get in a happy place NOW

There is so much bad shit running through my mind right now. A lot of unknowns. I won’t get into specifics. But if what the unknown is what turns out to be what I think it is, then I’m going to be like *poof* pissed the fuck off. Aside from that, I’ll be extremely hurt, heartbroken, amongst another things. So, like I said, without being so specific here (because I really have absolutely no idea what really is happening at this point, contact unknown) I just really need to get my mind elsewhere. So, it’s here. Here it is. In my happy place. Here goes it. Here it goes.

Work this week. MIND FUCK. I think I mentioned this before, but I sit RIGHT NEXT TO MY BOSS. This is a huge problem for me. Mostly because I’m always somehow getting sales and numbers or whatever the fuck they want this month, but never at my desk. Hmmmmmmm…………..I just kinda float. So now that my boss can see me AT ALL TIMES, he can literally see me, at all fucking times. He keeps watch on me. He told me today I’m his project. Whenever he sees me talking to other people he shoos me away from them. I guess that’s good. I’m just trying to get someone to smoke a cig with me TO BE HONEST.

Then some other fuckery happened. A good, good, person got let go. Fuck this place. FUCK this place. UGH. I walk around with a target. Why am I not gone? I’m waiting for it. It’s my ammo for another gig. Ugh, I hate new jobs. I’m so fucking weird. I’m SO fucking weird. Whatever.

I’m really glad my dog is getting along with 1 of these 2 cats. The other went crazy and attacked me and the dog so it went to bed with my friends daughter who I am watching along with her house for the night. I had to bring my fur baby along too! She had so much fun in the car! Weeeee!

I took like 8225895828982023093owiotei (an estimate) pictures of her with her face out the window smiling! She looks so happy! Weeeeeeeeee Maizy!

Okay, so the thing that I don’t know about if it’s a thing I don’t know about. I’m just going to figure this whole shishkabob out in the morning. I’m totally stealing wifi from my friend who is actually stealing it from someone else. Hacker life.

 

Turn this frown upside down in a post? Let’s see. Ready. Set. BLOG!

Tonight’s blogging space. Super snazzy. I know.

Today has been just like what I would imagine building a house would be like, except but building a house full of anxiety, emotions, stress, anger, frustration, feeling overwhelmed, tired, and a whole bunch of other things. I’m trying to take on so much at once, and I’m clearly not “hustling” hard enough to do it. I have to pick up some kind of side gig or something because I am not preforming well enough for “the man.” (ha!)

What I should do is get another gig elsewhere, but I like what I do, and I get comfortable (even though I am clearly not comfortable at this current moment.) But why should I have to leave just because everything else is fucked? No, that’s not how shit works in my world. Unicorns have mother fucking horns so they can ram them into mother fuckers they don’t like. Science. Magical science. I’m trying to turn the WORST MOOD EVER into somewhat of the not worst mood ever. Something that is helping is that all my old playlists have been brought back in legacy mode. AH. Die. Music is like my life, life, life, life, life, life.

I lost my shit on pretty much everyone today. It was a combination platter of work + personal + financial + mental + physical + stress + WTF + ?>GS:LT#(T)OISF. I was never a good math student so I’d say that equals F. For what you say? Oh, that’s simple. My favorite word to describe or emphasize anything.

Yep. Even when I was in school, that was still the answer to all the math problems I didn’t know. Solve for X? Hey, I’ll solve for F. Oh wait, couldn’t find it. But I found U, C and K!!!!

Across the Universe by the Beatles just come on. This is why music inspires me. I can lose my own thoughts instead of crying or panic attacks or freaking the fuck out on people and instead listen to how other people thought at the time. My music library would impress anyone. I am a hippie, club kid, 80’s kid, classic rock and roll, classical music, house, jazz, blues, I mean, there’s literally nothing, nothing, I won’t listen to. I’ve played music, I’ve experienced the performance, I grew up listening to good music. (Thanks Mom!)

Sorry, side tracked… hehehehe

So anyway, there’s also this that’s positive. I put some on to shake me out of my negative nancy sassy bitch pants, as well as ate some Jell-o. (Even though I thought about Bill Cosby raping people. He ruined Jell-o. Bastard!)

Oh shit, my jam came on. “Pink” by Aerosmith. “As pink as the sheets as we lay on, cause pink is my favorite crayon.” My mom was actually just backstage at Aerosmith the other night in Las Vegas and her friend met Steven Tyler! I have been rocking to Aerosmith since the tender age of about 4. I used to tie bandanas around my toy microphone like he did and sing all of his songs. I had a poster on my little mermaid bedroom as a kid until my sister put a gum mustache on Steven’s face.

I am a little bummed to be spending Friday night alone. But, me? Around more people today?

I kind of figured today’s post would be a little long. Okay fuck that, I knew I was going to come on here tonight and blow this shit up tonight. I posted this earlier on my facebook, but I’ll say this here (since my identities are separate) but I really do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I’m about to start wearing mother fucking tank tops. Yeah, I get emotional and fucking crazy. Most don’t understand. I’m bipolar, I’m ADHD and I have anxiety, plus a whole bunch of other shit. When one thing sets me off, it’s like:

One thing stems into like t908582305820852014mlkg, (give or take a few) filled with highs, lows, getting distracted with the ADHD, anxious and panicky. I hate when people see it. They don’t get it. People who get it get it, but then others don’t.

I think I’ll end that there because this mac & cheese has been eye fucking the shit out of me for way too long. Plus I’m like super hungry – you know 🙂

My blog posted/playlist ended at Stevie Nicks, “Edge Of Seventeen” Yessssss

Living the dream!

Happy Friday! 



Did today even happen?

Today was honestly so insignificant that I am questioning its existence entirely. The only reason i know that this has to be real life is because I would never have this shitty of a dream, ever. My dreams, which are just plans for the future, look something like this:

I knew this was going to happen. A very good day at work yesterday, followed by a day of emptiness, no one answering their phones, or if they do answer, they just want to schedule appointments. I took my time building the shit out of some ads that were pretty boring in general, and should have taken me no time at all. But because it was so basic, and I had nothing to say about it, but nothing else to do really, I said a whole lot of nothing a bunch of different ways! *BOOM*

I really hope tomorrow isn’t the same. I’m trying to remain *positive* here, especially since my new desk is rightttt next to my boss. Right now we have like 1,9wet09tte0wa0-t9 (approximately) things are are supposed to do in a day. Then they give us more, so it’s a little hard to keep track of what the f is going on.

Why can’t they just be this clear as to what they want me to do?

It’s supposed to break some coldest record of -4 degrees tonight by getting down to -7. It’s really going to make me appreciate when it gets up to 29 degrees on Saturday. You know what else? It’s REALLY going to make me appreciate summer EVEN MORE.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, summer. I looooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuu. I remember you. Will you come back soon?

My dog keeps looking at me because she’s hungry and so am I. Luckily my saint of mother is coming over with some food for me & for my doggy! So I better get ready because she will be here any minute and my dog will attack the door.

Maybe today wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for me because I wore all black? I bet that’s it.