Do I ever make the right decision?

Answer….

Am I surprised? No. This nice man who cares about me, and truly could be something real, but I don’t know if I am ready to go down that path just got back from vacation. However, the entire time he was gone I reconnected with my ex who, over the course of the day, made me realize i made the wrong decision on who I chose. He doesn’t tell me how beautiful I smell, or how pretty I am constantly. He doesn’t love looking into my eyes, or he enjoy being around me. I have that with someone else and I’m afraid to proceed because I feel like there is something bad lurking around the corner. Truth is, I’m already around the corner and there’s something bad here. I just don’t know how I can be so stupid. I love to ruin good things. It’s just what I’m good at.

I automatically assume something work out with the age issue, but really, it’s only me who has the problem with it. But I feel that I’m too fucked up of a person to be deserving of someone who doesn’t deserve to deal with any of my bullshit. My freak outs, my insecurities, my constant need for affection and attention. But he wants to do those things for me, without asking. I almost question it because I feel does he really feel this way? How could someone feel this way about me. ME. I am just too out there. He’s so not. That’s why I feel like I belong with these people who are out there, and fucked up like me. But I know that’s not all I’m capable getting, and I sure as shit don’t want to settle for being with someone who makes me miserable.

I just want to be sun shines and unicorns and back to my happy, care free life. Not worried about when someone is going to pass out in my bed and if they might not even wake up. I’m not deserving of good. I’m on the phone with the nice man ass the other is passed out in my bed. I can’t believe I am even still writing about this, or even at all. But this is where I come to get my thoughts out, and well here are my thoughts. It’s a fucked up web that I’ve weaved. Maybe I’m the black widow inside that kills everything that tries to get in my web, whether it be good or back.

This has to me my outlook….

Probably not the best, or worst.

Evey time something comes up with him, I get mad, then defensive, then I apologize so I’m still very much involved with my feelings as much as I don’t want to be. I just wish I knew what was going on in this persons mind, yet I look fucking crazy in the mean time with my back and forths, ups and downs. I just want to be cut free. I’m doing things that would make you think otherwise that i actually cared, maybe that’s my form of positive thinking? I don’t know. I just feel so fucking wrapped up in my thoughts, I thought the blog would help. I got like 2 hours of drunk sleep so I am probably just out of words at this point. So I will continue this later.

Update: 7:10 PM  

My friend dragged me out of my misery for a BBQ at her house. I stayed in my jammies, but at least temporarily I am out of the house and out of my own thoughts. 

I really want to message this off. But after the way out last convo ended I don’t think I will. I just feel so dumb over all of this. 

  

Ugh, I fucking sent it. 

Update 10:25 PM: even when you’ve made me a fool, I am in my happy place where nothing can touch me. I’m smart, pretty, fun, and not in a lot of trouble. I’m good. 

   

  Edit 

 Bring on the next. Oh wait….

And haha fuck you Siri 

  

Update 12:48 AM Sunday:

  

Keep on keepin on 😎