4/20!

Well today is a magical day for stoners. It’s our holiday! Not like we don’t celebrate it everyday or anything. But today we get to dedicate our entire day to the fact that we love to smoke pot. We’re entitled to that. Shit, we celebrate George Washington & Abe Lincoln’s birthdays, we should celebrate this too!

I’m dressed for the occasion as you can see.

I am going to take this opportunity and post to talk about why weed is great and how it has helped me with my mental illness. I know it’s still technically considered a “drug” but that’s something the government wants us to believe. Some people just have a problem with it because it’s illegal, and don’t even consider the benefits. It’s fucking SCIENCE. I don’t give a shit what the fucking law says, it truly has helped me.

I know that I’ll probably be on medication for my mental illnesses for the rest of my life. Harsh chemicals in my body for the rest of my life can’t really be healthy. I choose to smoke weed because while yes, it still is smoking, it’s fucking natural bro. You can’t tell me that a plant is harmful to my heath. You can’t tell me that something natural is way better than something man made out of poison. You can’t tell me that despite it being illegal, it doesn’t help me.

When I smoke, I get relaxed. I laugh, I say stupid shit, other people laugh. I get hungry. I get lazy sometimes. But there’s never been a single time in my life where I’ve been so high off pot that it has destroyed something, ruined my life, injured someone, or anything NEGATIVE. It’s not addictive. It’s fun, and it makes me feel free. I DON’T SEE ANY SERIOUS PROBLEMS HERE. Have you ever read how many side effects are on one medication? I’m on like 6 different medications. How can this be good? You know what side effect should come with every bag of weed you buy? Warning: May cause extreme happiness and hunger. Order tacos before use, and get on the internet machine and Google image search unicorns for instant LOLz.

I know I’m not a fucking doctor, and I haven’t done all the research. But I’ve researched and experimented enough to know that there’s nothing harmful, dangerous, bad, or negative about smoking weed, other than the negative stigma our government has given it by making it illegal.

It pisses me off that pot is illegal. For example there is a local ordinance in Ann Arbor that allows you to just get a ticket for possession of weed instead of going to jail. However, there are also state cops that have more authority who will patrol the same areas as the local police just looking to bust people for small time marijuana charges because it’s an easy bust. Seems like a total waste and allocation of government resources, doesn’t it? THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. There are so many people in jail right now for small time marijuana charges, and REAL criminals are out on the streets. You couldn’t possibly spin this to make it right because it’s wrong. SO WRONG.

I am happy that Michigan does support medical marijuana. When this was being proposed into office I was in a lot of political groups at the time to help raise awareness to voters on why they should pass it. I’d like to think it was my way of giving back to my community as a stoner. All of our hard work that year paid off because Michigan passed the bill! I am fully qualified to get my medical marijuana card, it just comes down to the fact I don’t have money right now. It’s something my doctor and I discuss, because I have always been open & honest with my doctor about my pot use. I think it’s important for him to know I use it because it will directly effect how he medically treats me. He can’t prescribe it himself, but he has given me all the necessary paperwork and list of physicians who can help.

Also, here’s some fucking food for thought…. (literally)

Yeah, suck on those nuts!!!

Thank you all for reading my stoned rant/blog today. Maybe you learned something, maybe you didn’t. Perhaps you agree, or disagree. It’s even possible that you’re so fucking high right now you can’t even comprehend what I’m saying at all, and the words are floating off your computer screen. (If you are, message me, I want your dealers #….) But in honor of today I felt as though it was important to blog about it. Smoke on friends. One love. ❤

4/20 UPDATE 10:08 PM EST:

The day has been great. I managed to get out of my house and pick up some 4/20 supplies at a super good deal. Some of the swag included this:

Pure medical grade buddy. I don’t fuck around.

200 MG of pot per cookie. STRONG AS FUCK. I got 2. Shared half now I’m going balls deep on this one. My friend also picked up a pipe to smoke wax out of that looks like Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger force, and it’s totally rad, and gets you superrrrr weird.

THEN as I was pulling up I decided to check my mail, and guess what arrived? A check for $198.10 to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t even work there anymore and they’re still paying me and sending me checks, paying my unemployment, and I have free state insurance. Well I’d say getting fired has really done a lot of good for me! You are qualified for all these free programs! And bitches be paying you like what upp!!! Yay for 4/20 and it almost being my birthday. I changed my wallpaper today on my iPhone! YAYYYYY!

An interesting article I found about. Michigan Voters Could Legalize Recreational Marijuana Use In 2016 Election

Fun video to awesome song and a bunch of shit I wish I could do. ENJOY MOTHA FUCKERS!

Deep conversation

Okay so I am a little tipsy/dazed, but I just had a really good, honest deep conversation about life with a old friend from the past who I recently got back in touch with. I wasn’t expecting that, but damn, don’t deep conversations just rock your world sometimes? I feel like it just did with me. I was very influential in this person’s life even though I have been out of it for a while. But we did meet each other under very weird circumstances in a place where you’re vulnerable as fuck. When someone sees that side of you, the side that is raw and real, you just kind of click. We’re able to talk about everything together. Things that haven’t come up in a long ass time. I don’t know, it’s almost like another form of therapy for me. I just got off the phone and wanted to blog about this feeling. Being open to someone, but not feeling vulnerable and judged, but there was once this like unspoken things between us. I don’t feel like I’m going to get hurt because there’s no pressure, and right now we’re just there for each other. It’s weird. I don’t really know what’s happening. I am going to be super careful though. I will not go out of my way for shit. That’s all I’m saying, and not to say it’s even going there, but still. If something were to happen, that’s a huge danger zone so I can’t even get think like that. Just one step, and friendship is all that this is right now. Okay, off the internet machine. I’m watching this in hopes of passing out, despite not being tired. I’m wired as fuck, in a manic state with my bipolar.

Insomnia

It’s 4:00 AM I’m wide awake again and I can’t sleep. I was supposed to be exhausted from not sleeping last night. I have shit to do today too. I’ll probably be sleeping in till like 1 PM, shower, go to secretary of state and wait around there for hours then come home and pass out. Ughhhh I’ve had insomnia for over 10 years. Being bipolar also keeps me super manic to the point where I can be up for days without sleeping. It’s so frustrating. 

   

  

….why Perhaps a little herbal refreshment.   

Unemployed life

This afternoon I totally blew off going to the secretary of state and decided to kick it with my bestie instead. She’s going through so much right now and I just wanted to be there for her in any way that I can. Today we enjoyed the nice spring day and the lovely trampoline her kiddos got for Christmas. It was so fun and carefree. We got this song stuck in our heads and listened to it a couple of times while jumping on the trampoline….

It was good to have a day like today.  A day to just forget all of our problems, worries, struggles and whatever else is going on and just enjoy the day. Plus being around kids does always cheer me up. (well, not all kids…some kids.) The way they see the world is so innocent and pure, it kind of makes you want to look at life the way they do sometimes. Am I getting to soft here? What the hell is going on?

I also finally got this today. My friend ordered them for us a while ago and she forgot to give mine to me. (If you are interested in these, or having something else made, please leave a comment and I will send you her contact information.)

I hung out with an old friend last night who was very helpful in this court battle I’m currently involved in. He gave me a lot of “inside” information on how I can make the other party responsible for damages without having to go to small claims court, but to make it part of his restitution instead. That way any money he receives becomes my money until I am whole again. That’s all I want is to be whole again. I’m leaving my feelings aside because they always complicate everything, and taking this approach will help me get over my feelings a lot faster.

I saw this quote today and realized that I don’t need to be careful around men, but with everyone. For some reason people just LOVE to fucking talk about me. I am questioning all of my friendships right now. It’s not easy for me to open up about certain things that happened in my life. It’s like a huge part of my life I don’t talk about to just anyone, but I almost feel sometimes that I’m lying to people because they don’t know that part of me. I feel like if everyone knew my past they might understand me a little better. People might also have a little bit of respect for all the things I’ve gone through and struggled with and I’m still living and breathing to tell the stories. I think whenever I do find my next job, and going forward, I’m going to be a lot more selective in who I talk to, if I choose to talk to anyone at all.

Anyway I don’t really have anything else to say right now. I’m tired and I want to catch up on my reality TV and sleep. I have to go to the secretary of state tomorrow for sure because my temporary plate expires tomorrow because of some ASSHOLE. Before I go, look how CUTE my baby looks in Hello Kitty!!!!!! 

Peace out bitches!

MondayyyYyyyYyy

It doesn’t feel like Monday when you don’t have a job. It’s just like any other fucking day. If you have read some of my previous posts you’ll know that I absolutely hate Monday’s. If you do a Google image search for “fuck Monday memes” you will be LOL for sure. That’s how I used to TRY to get in a good mood for work on Monday mornings, just have a quick LOL at some of those memes and go on with my shitty ass day. Like this image for example….this can easily make you smile even for a hot second on a shitty Monday. It’s a cute kitty getting drunk because he/she hates Monday’s too. It’s a national crisis.

So I posted last night/this morning that I was going to be productive. I am happy to report that the time is currently 5:40 PM and I did get somethings checked off my list. First, you’ll have to know that because I am bipolar and unemployed, I consider getting out of bed and taking a shower as productive. Actually getting dressed after that shower, putting on makeup, and wearing something other than PJ’s is super productive for me. So I’ve already done all of those things today. (I slacked a little bit and didn’t style my hair.) This may sound stupid as fuck to someone who doesn’t understand being bipolar, but anyone who has it or truly understand it and knows my situation knows how hard it is to overcome small challenges like getting out of bed when you have no reason to. It really pisses me off when people use the phrase “you’re so bipolar” as an insult. Not to me, just in general. It should piss off anyone who is bipolar really.

I am doing this blog most importantly for myself and my own issues, and if by other people reading it using the tags of bipolar, or mental illness, or whatever read it, and it helps them too, then that’s even better. I struggled with the isolation of being bipolar for years, and I knew it wasn’t ME and I didn’t want to feel that way, but I also didn’t know what to do. I finally got a really good doctor who listens and understands my concerns about medication and diagnosis. Being positive and maintaining the positive attitude has really been helping me maintain my bipolar disorder throughout these last few weeks. I really like this quote because it’s true. Having this mental illness has taught me that I can overcome any challenge, and also not to let things get stuck in my head and give me negative energy. If I do let things get stuck in my head, I get pulled way the fuck down and it’s so hard to climb out of that. This blog really does help me channel all my thoughts and release them from my head.

Anyway, I got a package this morning at 9 AM and I don’t have a doorbell but Maizy is a great improviser. I’ve never seen how crazy she gets when a delivery man comes to the door since I’m usually at work. She went fucking crazy, which is why I woke up in the first place and actually signed for the package. Anyway, I splurged a little bit with some leftover tax money and purchased myself a new pipe. But not just any pipe, a cupcake one! Thank you to Chameleon Glass for the pipe, case, grinder, storage container, lighter, sticker and candy they sent along with my pipe. It’s my first time ordering with them, but it won’t be my last. They were super fast, excellent customer service, and provided me with tracking information as soon as it was available. So here it is!!!!!!!

I also got in touch with the unemployment office today. They told me they would release my first payment today, and I should have it in my bank account in a few days. I shouldn’t have had to call in the first place, it should have been done automatically. Of course, it wasn’t….so I had to get on their asses and take care of business myself. I have to certify again on Monday for the last 2 weeks, and then it should release a couple days after that. I got a notice from the unemployment office last week that said my employer never responded to the paperwork they sent over as to why I was terminated, and so by default I automatically get unemployment.

I also reached out to my former boss and told him I tried contacting HR regarding getting reimbursed for the wages they took out of my last paycheck for insurance. Basically in my email to my former boss I said hey, I know this isn’t your job, but can you please get the fuck on the person who is so we can be done with this already? Shortly after I emailed him I got a response back from HR. She told me she was out of the office sometime when I sent her the email and it had gotten pushed down in her inbox and she lost track of it and never followed up. She didn’t really have an answer as to when I’d get my money back, hopefully this week. She said she would have a better idea once payroll is finished and that I should email her on Thursday to get more information. I made sure I put 2 reminder notices on my iPhone calendar to follow up Thursday. I want every last dollar I can possibly get out of that place.

When I checked the mail today I got a letter stating that I was accepted for Medicaid. So I have health insurance. YAY! I also got another letter from the state saying they needed more information from me in order to qualify me for food assistance. I got the paperwork today, and they needed to receive it today. I called at 4:30 and left a message and said hey dudes, I just got this today, and there’s no way I can get this information to you today. So hopefully they’ll return my call tomorrow and allow me to have extra time.

I also got in touch with someone I used to be a server with. He recently moved into the area and is serving at one of my favorite Italian restaurants out here and said he makes bank. He is going to try and get me some part time work up there so I can get cash, and my unemployment. It’s temporary. I definitely do not want to be a server for very long, I enjoy office work too much. (That was my back handed way of saying I’d rather be lazy and sit at a desk than actually work on my feet!)

Well, now I guess I’m having some company. Someone I haven’t seen in a while. I’m glad I did my makeup today….I just wish I would’ve done my hair so I could look my absolute best, but whatever. I think I look decent. Pale, but decent. More bronzer. Definitely more bronzer. I will post about how this rendezvous goes.

If you had a shitty Monday, don’t forget my trick to instant LOL’s on Monday! (Google image search fuck monday memes)

P.S.– The countdown is officially on!!!

Sunday clarity

I woke up with a clear head this morning of what I need to do in order to move on with my life. Just simple, move on. Put the past in the past, life is a gift, which is why it’s called the present. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s so true. I am tired of being hurt, then feeling sorry for myself. It’s just time to pick up and move the fuck on. I have to have faith that in the end this thing called KARMA will catch up to those that deserve it.

I’m smart, pretty, fun, with a good sense of humor, and I will always be ME. I have been feeling a lot more confident with myself, and my weight loss too, and I should embrace that. I shouldn’t feel like shit over something that happened in the past, and how totally fucked up and wrong it was on the other persons part. I need to stop trying to get into the other persons head. I’ll drive myself crazy trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. They’re just wrong. I can’t justify something wrong into something right in my head.

I’m not the same person I was even a year ago. I was still really depressed over my weight gain, I didn’t feel pretty or confident. I didn’t want to go out or be seen, I didn’t want to go shopping to do anything to make myself seem attractive because I didn’t feel like it at all. Now I feel totally different, and I should celebrate my looks, embrace my life.

That’s right! 17 more days until April 29 in which I will be turning 29 years old. My golden birthday! (Your golden birthday is supposed to be your lucky year, when you turn your age on your birthdate.) I just have a lot of change going on right now in my life and it’s hard. I need a new job, a new man, new men, money, and just to be happy and carefee again. People like me, you wouldn’t ever think it’s hard for someone like me to open up, because I am (obviously) a very open book, but I don’t like NEW. I knew that I did need a new job however because I did NOT like the way things were going at my old job, the people, the stupid everyday bullshit, the unfairness, the pure disgust I have for other employees. Yeah. I’m glad I’m out. Other than for financial reasons.

I want to scream, cry, laugh, hide, run, play, all these different emotions at once. Some parts of my life I am totally content with, and right now I don’t know how I’m getting food, or my next rent check, or any of the other numerous bills that are stacking up right now, however I am taking it one fucking day at a time.

Anything further than that is too much. Even talking about this right now is starting to make me a little panic-y. Next subject.

I haven’t done laundry in about 2 weeks so later on I’m going to mosey on over to my mom’s house and get that done. I don’t know what else we’ll get into while I’m there but it’s always a blast, even if it’s a lazy Sunday doing laundry hanging out with our dogs. I’m glad I have a good relationship with my mom. ❤ It’s good to remind myself of all the GOOD things I have going on right now. Positive mindset.

Also, tonight is the premiere of the 7th and FINAL season of Nurse Jackie! I am so excited it’s back! I went back and caught up on the entire show in anticipation for the final season. I can’t wait to see how they spin this.

Tune in tonight at 9 PM! If you don’t have Showtime they’re offering a free week this week. (At least for Comcast subscribers) Also, don’t I have the cutest dog ever???

Probably not the best, or worst.

Evey time something comes up with him, I get mad, then defensive, then I apologize so I’m still very much involved with my feelings as much as I don’t want to be. I just wish I knew what was going on in this persons mind, yet I look fucking crazy in the mean time with my back and forths, ups and downs. I just want to be cut free. I’m doing things that would make you think otherwise that i actually cared, maybe that’s my form of positive thinking? I don’t know. I just feel so fucking wrapped up in my thoughts, I thought the blog would help. I got like 2 hours of drunk sleep so I am probably just out of words at this point. So I will continue this later.

Update: 7:10 PM  

My friend dragged me out of my misery for a BBQ at her house. I stayed in my jammies, but at least temporarily I am out of the house and out of my own thoughts. 

I really want to message this off. But after the way out last convo ended I don’t think I will. I just feel so dumb over all of this. 

  

Ugh, I fucking sent it. 

Update 10:25 PM: even when you’ve made me a fool, I am in my happy place where nothing can touch me. I’m smart, pretty, fun, and not in a lot of trouble. I’m good. 

   

  Edit 

 Bring on the next. Oh wait….

And haha fuck you Siri 

  

Update 12:48 AM Sunday:

  

Keep on keepin on 😎

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit

 

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit…Specifically your bullshit. I just want to be free of your bullshit and lies. I can’t be blinded anymore. I can’t be pushed aside anymore. I’m done with games. I’m over everything. I am taking action. I gave warning. That’s all I’m going to say. I want to be done. This is over. It can’t officially be over because technically I am involved as long as you are legally, but that’s it. I just need to figure everything out and get my ducks in a row and that’s it. Paperwork. Just paperwork.

In order to have complete control over my life, and that involves positivity, complete focus on my life, that means letting go of this chapter. I mean I knew that already with some of the decisions I have made recently but whatever. This is it. This is goodbye.

But I am in my happy place now, and that is where I shall remain. Optimistic and hopeful. I will rely on my strengths and I will push through this and remain strong. I will hopefully find a job soon and figure something out because I did have to end up paying my landlord. He didn’t want me to do the escrow thing, which is fine. It was just protection anyway, so I just paid it. Fuck it. Now I have to figure out my other bills, and fast. I’m scrambling. I don’t really want to think about that right now because it puts me into a deep place. Okay, focus.

I’m jamming out right now. I love the Pandora House station so fucking much, and this song. (click screenshots to make larger)

I’m sure I’ll have something more to post later so watch back for an update later…

Shit, I love this song too.

This song is perfect. It’s going to be my new ringtone. Things can only get better. I suggest you youtube it.

Music is so uplifting. I love seriously all types of music, but I love the house station on Pandora specifically because it’s like an instant party. It always puts me in a good mood. I would listen to it all the time at work during these bullshit calls and I would feel like I’m in a rave or something. Told you I would keep posting. 😉

Update 10:48 PM:

  

  

Fail

Today I was supposed to have a totally productive day and get all this shit done and did I? Nope. My day feels kind of like:

In the meantime I did manage to lose my phone, just another disaster after another I guess with me. I keep on making mistakes left and right that I know will bite me in the ass but, for some reason I just don’t care? I’m not sure. Maybe too much positivity?

(Being the ADHD person that I am, I stepped away from the computer and came back a little bit later which I often do when I write my blogs.) Oh well my phone has been found. It was in the rain ALL DAY. So I freak out thinking out shit another thing I am going to have to pay for right? NOPE. SO FUCKING LUCKY. This $1 case I bought on eBay from some random country in Asia was worth it. Just a flimsy ass piece of plastic. I put stickers on it and rip them off to jazz the case up but you get the point:

Perhaps all that positivity I was just saying might be too much is actually helping. Karma in a good way. Oh so anyway, the shit I was supposed to do today I’m going to do it tomorrow. I stayed out late last night and I shouldn’t have. Especially when it’s the one night I have something to do in the morning, while I don’t have a job and I completely just failed. Oh well, it’s not like these fuckers are getting their money any way. So what if it’s late? I’m paying the mother fucking $35 late fee in escrow, bitch! It’s just buying me time really.

Anyway I was supposed to hang out with an old friend tonight but I totally bailed. Maybe because I haven’t showered or am still wearing my makeup from yesterday and give 0 fucks about today? Part of me is just a little scared to open up this box because I know it’s trouble considering the circumstances under which we met. But I am not like most people. Anyone with a mental illness knows this. We just don’t meet nice people, and fall in love, and everything’s perfect. Or maybe I just haven’t found the right one who understands my craziness? Until then, I seek out crazy.

Saying it, well, typing it, I guess makes it sound like wow, why am I doing this but none of it is ever meant to go anywhere. But he and i have stayed in contact since this incident which happened a couple years ago. Minimal contact, but contact. We haven’t actually seen each other, just spoken to each other online and on the phone. I actually talked to his mom once too, oops. Anyway, I bailed on him today because I know I have to get this shit done in the morning and if I hang out with him, I won’t. I know myself too fucking well. So possibly tomorrow night? We shall see.

I know he really needs some positive influence in his life, and I was once that for him and I hope I still can be. So that’s what I’m hoping we can still have. I see him, and this other guy just making careless mistakes that keep getting them in trouble. I feel bad. It’s like I want to help.

Anyway, my mom was nice enough to say home from work today so I’d have a place to go while they worked on my house. The guy was super cute and I felt totally embarrassed answering the door in my PJ’s which I realized was a see through zebra zip up and I had a hot pink lace sports bra underneath and leggings. I bet he was really happy to see that. I guess I shouldn’t have slept soooooooo late. Oops. He probably thinks I’m a total slut because I have handcuffs on my nightstand. A little child gave them to me at a kids birthday party without me knowing (he put them in my purse) and I found them the next day. This is where I decided they should go. Hey, you never know 😉

(Sidenote: Yes, that is duck tape. I “refinished” them. They look awesome.)

Also, my mom got me these super cute Hello Kitty hair clips. Score!

I think someone is exhausted from playing with Mr. Big today. She literally dragged me up the porch of my mom’s house today because she was so excited. She is so fucking strong it’s redic. I had to jump like 4 stairs in flip flops with this dog on a leash carrying my huge ass purse and my laptop case. Whew! Taking her anywhere is such a task because she gets so excited and she’s so strong. She definitely works us both out!

Okay so tomorrow is Wednesday. I’ll try and get my shit together. *Sigh* I have to babysit tomorrow, I forgot. Shit. Even though my IPhone reminded me like hours ago. I still forgot. And it’s on like 3 calendars. I’m such a space cadet. I need to get off the internet.

Update 11:40 PM:

 

When you don’t know your next move….

I’m literally backed into a corner right now and fucked in every way possible. I don’t know where my next dollar is coming from. But since this is my happy place, and I try to maintain peace and happiness, I decided when you don’t know what your next move is, hug your pet and watch your ultimate favorite TV show that makes you laugh and the episodes never get old.

See examples below:

I have a lot of fucked up shit to deal with tomorrow that requires me to run all over this town, and a couple others. Money, my father, home repair, leaving the home, what the shit. Who cares, drowning it out with happiness.