birthday – welcome to my happy place

Yay!

youstillhave

So yesterday I was finally reunited with evil for the first time in over 3 1/2 months. It was great. As soon as I saw him I gave him the biggest hug and I wouldn’t let go. We spent all night talking and cuddling. He was very anxious about all the stuff he has coming up. He was holding a grudge over some things that happened before I went to rehab, and he has every right to be. I did a lot of shitty things to him. Mostly give him shit over taking my drugs, but little did he know I was stealing his from him. I was such a total bitch to him. But as soon as we started talking, he let everything go because he realized I’ve changed. I told him everything that I was ever angry about before, I’ve completely let go. I’m not angry anymore. I just want us to be better, and better together. It was really amazing to finally hear the words I’ve been wanting to hear for so long, but wasn’t sure if I ever would because I didn’t know if he felt that way anymore. What were those words?

iloveyou

imissyou1

It was pretty great. Like I said I needed to hear that from him so long, but I wasn’t sure if he still felt that way about me. It was reassuring to know that my feelings this entire time (that I tried not to feel but I knew were always still there) and he felt the same way. So I’m hoping we can spend more time together this weekend.

Also, speaking of this weekend, some really fucked up shit happened today. I just got a letter today from the IRS saying that I owe $245. I had my taxes prepared at H&R block this year, and she had quite a hell of a time doing so. SO I made an appointment to have someone look at it on Saturday at 1:00. I am not about to pay some money for someone else’s fuck up!

Also, even though he can’t see this, I’d like to wish my dad a very happy birthday! We are getting ready to go out to dinner. I’m super stoked to eat some ribs tonight. MMMM ribs! And tomorrow is my baby girl Maizy’s birthday! My baby puppy (who is a 67 lb “puppy”) will be 5! Then next week is Jesus’ birthday! Happy birthday J man! Happy birthday all around!

Real post. Kinda.

Sorry for my lack of postings once again. I’ve been busy! But I wanted to show off some birthday photos!

  (Yes there is a 9 candle missing. It was there in spirit)

My dress was open back and we got this redic temporary tat from a gum ball machine for a little extra flare!

Which brings me to my next topic, I actually did get some new ink since my birthday!

I already had the top one but got it touched up. The first one says little sister, the second means daughter and the third is grand daughter in Japanese Kanji. Pretty nifty huh?

Anyway I’m currently posting from the D. Representing the 313 motha fuckaZzzz. Because I don’t have a job when someone asks me to give them a ride somewhere for gas money and cash, I’m fucking doing it.

There are a lot of crazies here though. Some guy asked me to share my headphones so we could listen to music together. I’m like no that’s okay, I’m selfish and I need both. Yeah, I’m a smart ass being a smart ass in Detroit.

This afternoon/evening I’m going to a BBQ and drinking all the leftover booze from my party. Yes there was some leftover beer because of this liquor. Oh and let me just say, this stuff is amazing. No chaser even for the weakest, like me.

Smirnoff iced cake vodka. Mmmm!

My anxiety and bipolar have been all over the place lately. I think I’m getting stir crazy not working.

Aiiiight hopefully I won’t be here too much longer! It’s 80 outside and I wanna go playyyyy!!!!

Birthday happiness

I have to say that despite doing not much on my birthday it was swell. It most definitely ended swell too and continued into this morning. (You follow me?)

This is the same person I mentioned a few blogs back that him and I have been super close friends for a couple years. We met under some really fucked up circumstances, and a lot has happened since we initially met. There has always been chemistry between us, but the last night we finally did something about it. It’s like we have been in this super close friend zone for so long that we thought that’s all it might be.

I just feel bad right now because he’s really depressed about a lot of shit in his life. His ex won’t let him see his kid and hasn’t for over a year. He’s still going through the court battle to get ANY visitation with his son. He has a lot of other issues like me too, so I know what it’s like to he stuck inside your head when all this bad shit is happening in your life. It’s makes it almost impossible to get out of bed and do anything. He’s been so upset and mopey all day long and I feel horrible about it, and wish there was something I could do. It just hurts to see your friend be in so much pain and you’re not able to do anything to help them.

He knows I don’t want to put myself out there either because of how my last “relationship” went, and he himself is just in a shitty mindset. All I can so as a person is be there for him. When they say you can’t change people, it most certainly is true. I realized today the same is true with emotions. You can’t change someones emotions, or try and make them feel better when you suffer with mental illness. I feel really bad I’m going to try and cuddle or something.

My friend is coming over in a little bit so I can do her hair for a “date” she’s going on tonight. I say it like that because they’ve been friends forever, but she does like him, and of course I want to make sure she looks hot as hell. My friends always have me doing their hair since i”m just a whiz at it. I should start charging. Oh snap, and it looks like I just made $40 by selling my tablet.

29 on the 29th!

I am officially 29 years old! I’m not sure what time I was born at, but I’m pretty sure 29 years ago I outside of my mother’s womb by this time. I didn’t have anything on my schedule other than to get the estimate on my car. A good friend of mine told me last night he was going to come with me, but he’s been bailing on me lately so I figured he would today too. Anyway, to my surprise he didn’t. I went and picked him up and we went to the dealership. Afterward all I wanted to do was go home and hang out. I didn’t want to spend my entire birthday running around all over town. At this point I started to get a little pissed, but in the spirit of my birthday I just decided to let it go.

Finally we get to my house and I noticed there was a pink present on my door step. I had no clue who could have possibly left it there. I doubt my ex even knows it’s my birthday today. Anyway, I get all excited and come inside with my friend to open it. I go straight for the card first and it’s from him. How sweet is that? He totally had me out running these errands to make sure his friend set up the surprise in time. So I got roses and some hello kitty stuff. How thoughtful.

He’s in a really, really, really bad mood right now because he got some really bad information about his son who he has been trying to see for a year now, and his baby momma is being a bitch about letting him see him. So, I think I’m going to try and cheer him up, as well as thank him in the form of a “movie.” We all know what THAT means. 😉 ❤

Also, thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday! It means a lot to me! I feel so loved and appreciated, even though this means I’m a little closer to death.

Offically 29!

It’s currently 12:09 AM on the east coast, and the current date is Wednesday, April 29. This means it is officially my birthday!

I was a little depressed earlier because the only plans I have on my birthday so far is to go to the dealership body shop to get an estimate on the damages on my car. Wooooo! Kind of funny how 2 years ago I was celebrating my birthday in Arizona and the day after my birthday I came home and picked up that car for the first time.

Instead of staying in a shitty mood I decided to put up all the pink streamers that were sent to me from a friend. They’re supposed to be for my birthday party but, I wanted my house to look pretty for my actual birthday too. I’m lazy as hell right now otherwise I’d snap some pics. I will definitely be blogging tomorrow about how my birthday went, Hopefully it goes great

I’m putting a lot of pressure of myself this year since it’s my “golden birthday” and all and this is supposed to be the best year of my life. So, I really want it to be! I want new experiences, new adventures, try new things, meet new people, expand my horizon I guess you could say.

Like I said I will post more later after I enjoy my entire birthday day. I’m going to try and get some sleep so I can wake up early and enjoy my birthday to the fullest extent!

It’s still April 27 in Arizona!

Even though my sister doesn’t read this blog, I wanted to still dedicate a post to her for her birthday. It’s 12:30 AM but it’s only 9:30 PM in Arizona so it’s still get birthday where she lives.

Even though we are polar opposites and have our disagreements on just about everything, I love you with all my heart. You are smart, beautiful, responsible, and you’re marrying the love of your life next year. I’m glad our birthdays are so close. 2 years and 2 days apart. I love you sis! Happy 31st! This post is for you!

29 on 4/29

Money makes me move

Have you ever felt like you just floated through the day? Well I have, and today was one of those days. I can’t describe it other than I floated through the day. What I mean is that nothing really significant happened today, so it all just kind of seemed rather dull. So instead of feeling productive, I just felt blahhhhh….like I just floated through the day. Maybe you understand? But I titled this blog because apparently money will make me move. I’ll explain….

Last night I received a check for $200. I didn’t really NEED to cash the check today because I had nothing to buy. I ended up at Walmart this afternoon where I first tried to cash my check. I wasn’t able to because the address on the check doesn’t match the address on my driver’s license. This pissed me off. I found another place that would cash it, which also happens to be a gas station. I decided to get gas, then cigarettes, and of course something to drink.

I came back home to finish getting ready for a doctor’s appointment I had. So I went to that, it was great, then I had to jump over to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. Shouldn’t have spent any money at Walgreen’s since all my prescriptions are FREE with my new insurance. However I did have to wait 20 minutes, which prompted me to browse around the store. I ended up with some makeup, juice, dog treats, nail stuff, a birthday card, and some other shit. I get to the counter and my 20 minute wait time at Walgreen’s just cost me $54!!! What!?

So yeah, I just kind of floated through the day.

Hmmm…. what else did I do today? Oh yes! I ordered my sister’s birthday presents. Our birthdays are 2 years and 2 days apart. She text me today asking what I wanted for my birthday, then I asked her what she wanted. As a kid I always hated sharing my birthday, birthday parties and birthday cakes with my sister. But now that I’m older I miss it so much. We rarely spend our birthdays together since I live in Michigan and she lives in Arizona, so it’s not the same anymore. I also went online to show her what I wanted only to find that it’s OUT OF STOCK. All these months I’ve had this shit in my favorites bookmark specifically for my birthday, and now that it’s April IT’S OUT OF STOCK? Well, that’s what they wanted me to believe.

Inflatable Unicorn Head

The website is actually a company I did advertising for a couple of months back. So I pulled that card and sent an email. Of course they remembered me, and actually said they do have one in stock. SWEET. Sorry guys, it was out of stock, but if you’re awesome like me and say hey, I did advertising for you guys, then BOOM it magically becomes in stock! SCORE!

I just came back from my mom’s house. She kept telling me she bought me something for my birthday to match something I already have. Here’s the thing, I have so much shit that I had no idea what she could’ve possibly gotten me. She got me these Coach sandals to match the purse I already have! (pictured below)

I took my dog on her second ride today and I just picked up some Burger King. Someone won’t leave my side in case I drop a fry on the floor.

Alright well if this hasn’t completely bored you to death, I also wanted to briefly mention an organization yesterday that I’m really excited to start working with. It’s called Stamp Out Stigma, and it was designed to to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness and substance use disorders. Their main website can be found here You can also find them on Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. I would also encourage for you to show your support for Mental Illness by wearing one of these bracelets. Whether you struggle with it yourself, a loved one, family member, or just because you support this cause.

Here is their support page where you can order the bracelets, update your Facebook photo to show support. and take the pledge. I ordered some bracelets last night. You have to order a minimum of 5, which I am pretty sure I can find 5 of my friends and family members who would be willing to wear this to show their support for me, and for the cause. I will be ordering more! If you are interested in one, please let me know, I will even buy them for you. They’re all about trying to erase the stigma that comes with having these disorders. I’m kind of trying to do that with this blog.

I think I’m going to veg out for the rest of the night and rape Netflix. I finally got my sleeping medication so I predict I will be going to bed very early tonight, and I will stay asleep allllllllllllll night. Ah, that just sounds like heaven right now because I’ve only been sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. (No naps either!) I just made this:

Ohhhhhhhhhhh and in case any of you have forgotten….

Peace out my lovely readers, and THANK YOU for all of your support of this blog.Please feel free to share it with your friends. I don’t actively promote this blog on any of my social media outlets because it’s something I kind of hide from most people, unless I trust them enough to read it. (and that’s a very, very, VERY, small list.) I would definitely like to get the word out there about my blog.

Faith

When people fuck up, everyone loses faith. I guess when someone fucks up, I don’t lose faith. I have even more faith then ever. Maybe it’s because I’m prone to fucking up, so I know that a turn around is just around the corner. But fuck up and faith begin with the same letter so, that’s symbolic to me. I guess with conversations I’ve had to have today, most of them on defensive mode, inspired this blog.

I can’t explain why I feel the way I feel. But when you know it, you go with it. I’ve been where people had no faith in me, and gave up on me. Most people have. Why shouldn’t they? What good am I? I can’t get my shit together to save my life. I barely try. I only really give a shit about myself. I hear it all the time. From my friends and my family. It’s the truth, it’s just not the whole truth. I care about other people way more than I give a shit about myself, but I’ll never show it because having feelings scares the shit out of me.

But back to having faith, I have faith in a person that no one else does right now. I give a shit maybe because no one else does. I have faith because I have feelings and know this person means well. I don’t need to justify and defend them, they are good through and through. They get down on their knees and pray to do well. I have faith they will do right by me, and that’s all I can ask. I have faith. ❤

PS – Happy Birthday to a former friend who I lost contact with and we no longer speak to, and who doesn’t read this. But, I think of you and our friendship. We just fell out of touch after I fell out of our circle and shit but I miss you and I think I’ll shoot you a text right now.

Update – I reached out to my friend and she responded. Awesome sauce.

Also, this show is the tits:

Another update – Ran out of episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (started last night) so I moved on to House of Cards. Again, house of tits because I like to emphasize anything with tits or fuck, because that’s how I roll. Kevin Spacey is tits. Sounds A+ to me.

Caught the clock at my birthday time! (4/29) I’m really pushing through and trying to find faith in myself today. I don’t know if it’s positive thinking, pot, happy thoughts, or content.

Whatever it is, I like having my happy place (here) to come to to share my randomness. My life is a fuckfest. I need to get my ass to work. I wish work fit around my custom schedule sometimes. Like I could deal with my bullshit and work. But I can’t. I am just hoping that everything will be a-ok. Like it has to be, right? I received more information leading me to believe that it won’t be, but I am just going to let go, and let God. I know that seems a little cheesy but, whatever. When I called my team lead this morning to tell him I wasn’t coming in and what the situation was, he said a prayer with me. I found it refreshing. It was what kind of inspired this to begin with to be honest.

So yeah, I’ll hit this and try again for tomorrow.

Genius

Money and shopping is one of my biggest triggers of my bipolar. I’m feeling very bipolar, and I don’t have any money. So, here’s what I decided to do. Window shop online for my birthday. Compose it into a blog, so I could reference it later for my friends and family. Genius.