Mother’s Day & life

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mothers out there! Especially to my mom who is my best friend in the entire world! Here’s a selfie I forced her to take with me (she didn’t want to because she said she looked like shit) then edited it all cute and stuff for her.

I also kind of celebrated Mother’s Day a little myself. NO! NOT LIKE THAT! As of November I became a doggy mommy to Maizy. She is such an amazing dog companion to have since I’ve been out on my own. I’ve always wanted a dog growing up but my dad would never let is. She claimed this unicorn pillow of mine as hers now, which is cute by itself since I love unicorns too AND because she NEVER EVER rips up all my stuffed animals and stuff. But the even cuter thing is that she will carry it from whatever room its in, come into my room when I’m about to go to sleep, and she’ll get on her doggy bed at the foot of my bed and snuggle up with her unicorn pillow. If it’s already in my room and she wants to sleep in the living room she will carry it out there too. It’s SO FUCKING CUTE. How could I possibly be pissed about that? Plus it was a gift I got from my “Secret Santa” thing we did at work this past Christmas. Here’s my baby on her bed with her unicorn.

It didn’t even really occur to me that I’m technically a mom (doggy moms count!) until a “friend” surprised me with a couple little Hello Kitty things he saw. I thought it was incredibly sweet and thoughtful, and of course totally unexpected. (On the left is a little notebook and on the right is a change purse/wallet wristlet)

Now the reason why I quoted “friend” like that is because that’s what we are for sure, but we also have feelings for each other as well. Considering what I just went through, and what I’m STILL going through legally with my ex, I really can’t offer more than that right now. We have a past. Even though most of you don’t know me personally, and just a few of you that read this actually know me outside the internet world, there are certain things I don’t like to talk about regarding some things about my past. I’m an open book about 98% of the time, but there are a couple things I don’t necessarily hide, but I don’t like to bring it up either.

The reason why I am explaining all of this to you is because the circumstances in which we met are pretty fucked up. We met almost 2 years ago when we were in both really bad places in our lives mentally, so there was that immediate connection. We found out that we have a shit load of stuff in common, and we were attracted to each other physically as well. We were never more than just friends back then, and after a while we were barely that. I knew he was in very rocky relationship with someone I knew he wasn’t happy with, but decided to stay with her because they have a kid together. I could understand why she might be a little upset that he was talking to me, but that’s ALL we were doing is talking. We were just talking about our life problems, and it was finally nice for both of us to confide all of our bullshit into someone new, and someone who understood what its like.

We ended up stop talking completely out of no where, and I automatically knew it was due to her insecurities. He recently told me that she actually wrote out all this mean stuff she wanted him to say to me over the phone so it would hurt my feelings so bad that I would hate him for saying it and never speak to him again. He obviously never did it. The fact that someone would go to that far was enough for him to realize she didn’t like it, and he was doing whatever he could to make it work because of his son, he just decided to stop talking to me. It was easier that way.

Well let’s fast forward to present day. We recently got in touch again about a month ago. He was once again in a really bad place mentally, and we kind of just started talking again like we used to. He told me before that he’s always respected me because of something else in my past I overcame, and said that he even looks up to me in a way which is why he turned to me for help. Given what I just went through these last couple of months being with a guy who constantly gets into trouble reallyyyyyyy made it hard to me to actually hang out with him. He has a past with the law too, and has gotten into a lot of trouble, but I guess I see through it. With the last guy I saw through all his troubles too and saw the good person he really is, but I was blinded. I’m thinking it’s because he was the first guy I’ve dated since 2007. YES TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING SEVEN. So, I let things go.

Now I learned my lesson, the hard way of course, but I learned it. Now I can see the good in this guy, not judge him because of his past, but the blinders are off and my guard is way the fuck up. Another thing that is also very different is the last guy and I didn’t know each other previously, we just met at a bar. This guy now I have known and been friends with for a couple of years. The last guy made me feel like a fucking fool after everything was said and done. How could I let this guy get me so caught up? Lesson learned, and from now on, I’m doing this….

I even find myself not making definite plans with him for anything because that fear of commitment is screaming loud as fuck at me. I finally told him that I can’t & won’t get too far ahead with whatever is going on between us, even when it comes to making simple plans for something. I get anxiety even when he talks about making any sort of upcoming plans. For example, DEMF (Detroit Electronic Music Festival AKA Techno Fest) is coming up on Memorial Day weekend. He was talking to one of my good friends about it and they decided we should all go. I won’t give him a straight answer. Even though I am like 99% sure I will end up going, I just can’t say yes.

I know I’m not the only one because my friend said she feels like this too. But sometimes when I make plans ahead of time, I feel like they are destined to go wrong. Actually now that I think about it, I know for a fucking FACT I’m not the only one who feels this way. Ever hear of this thing called MURPHY’S LAW? Well in case you haven’t, you can click that link and go to the Wikipedia page and read all about it. If you happened to be one of those people that actually click on it, I just have one question for you. Have you been hiding under a rock your whole life? How have you never heard of Murphy’s Law? Anyway, off topic.

For Mother’s Day I was invited by his mom to go out to dinner with his mom, step dad, brother and sister. She absolutely loves me because she knows I’ve always been a positive influence on him and she knows I can actually get through to him, whereas she can’t. His brother and sister didn’t even bring their significant others, and I’m technically not even a significant other. LOL After that I went out to eat with my mommy at our favorite Mexican place that’s right at the end of my street. Well she ate & drank, I just drank since I already ate. Every time I see my mom she always has goodies for me. Here’s what she had for me today.

 This is some Hello Kitty party decoration kit. Yeah it’s not my birthday anymore, but it doesn’t say HAPPY BIRTHDAY on it or anything, it just says PARTY which I’m always down for. I can’t wait to hang it up. (I know….pics or it didn’t happen. Stay tuned for that.)

Next is this cute ass strapless floral dress. I typically don’t wear strapless dresses because they require strapless bras (which I hate) and I always just end up pulling it up all night. Well this one is SUPER awesome because it has a built in push up bra already sewn in mother fuckers.

Then she got me a pair of Kate Spade socks. (Yes, I’m aware that I’m spoiled but my mother has made me this way.) I personally would never spend that kind of money on a pair of designer socks, but I didn’t have to. Next to it is a Hello Kitty bracelet that had interchangeable charms! Weeee!

I really didn’t mean for this post to be a huge rant (hence why I had to add “& life” in the title after Mother’s Day) but since I haven’t done a REAL post in a while, there was a lot that needed to be said. I still have more things I need to post about like what happened in court with my ex, what’s happening with my living situation, what’s happening with my landlord fixing my house and being a douche, being unemployed. So yeah, expect a lot of that coming ahead in the near future to a computer screen near you. Ha. You like whatI did there? 😉

It took me so wrong to finish this post that it’s now after midnight on the east coast and technically no longer mothers day. Oh well. My “friend” is going to stay the night tonight because my landlord scheduled for someone to come by between 10-12 tomorrow to inspect my furnace and get its permit. I want him to be here because he knows more about this shit than I do. He actually asked my permission if it was okay for him to go to the casino with his brother tonight. I obviously don’t give a shit so I told him I would wait up for him. What I really meant to say is no I don’t mind but I’m not going to wait up so when you get here you can try calling, but just knock really hard so Maizy will hear you and bark like a mother fucker and wake my ass up. While I’m waiting I’m going to do my nails since they’re horrible. I saw a commercial the other day for a bunch of new nail colors Revlon came out with and was totally obsessed with this one color I saw, but knew it would be about $10 a the store. I decided to pop over to Sally’s Beauty Supply and see if they had any similar colors and sure enough they did. Here’s the color I’m talking about. (If you’ve seen the Revlon commercial, I think it’s almost identical)

Well kiddos, that’s it for me. All you working stiffs out there good luck to you tomorrow/today. (Depending on where your reading from, time zones and shit) Monday’s are the worstttttttttt. I am a tad bit jealous I can’t hate Mondays right now because I don’t have a job, but I’m pretty sure once I get one I’ll regret ever saying that. Keep it real ninjas.

Update: finished product 

  

Second update:

  

Blue sky action

I took full advantage of this beautiful day! I was such a bum yesterday and literally slept the entire day. I think I had some kind of bug or something. Needless to say it’s gone! I feel FANTASTIC today. My dog woke me up around 8 AM, probably because I never let her out last night. I got ready and jazzed up and make some phone calls. THEN here’s the fantastic part. I went to my old work to meet up with my friend and they had a pizza party for lunch, and she brought me some pizza! Haha take that fucktards! I’m hijacking your pizza party even after you fire my ass. Mwuahahahahaha. I also had it out with my HR department for never getting back to me about my paycheck, despite telling me yesterday she would. I called her, emailed her, then I finally said fuck it and called the main headquarters. Sure enough after I talked with them I got an email from her. I have clearly said to her that I just want to be done with the company already, and basically hurry the fuck up so I can go away forever.

I also heard some shady shit that’s going on at work. (No surprise) But my name is STILL coming up. Are you kidding? I mean come the fuck on. It flatters me that people give that many fucks about me, and that they keep bringing my name up this long after I leave. Get over yourselves.

Anyway, after I met up with my friend she decided it was way too nice outside to go back to work. (and my old boss knew she was meeting up with me…. what a bad influence) We hit up Walmart and I did enough grocery shopping for me & Maizy both that should last us a couple of weeks. My friend and I also decided to put on dresses. I mean shit it’s perfect dress weather!

Oh also I finally got my new front door and screen door! Yay! Ask, believe, and you shall receive. I swear when the sun is out, nothing bad can happen. I definitely think I had some seasonal depression, but you would too if you had Michigan weather. Spring tortures us with like one super nice day early on, then it gets cold as fuck for a few more weeks, then maybe another nice day here or there. We say if you don’t like the weather, just wait 5 minutes. It’s true, so when we get these nice days I really enjoy them.

The image of the song that I posted is one of my “happy songs” and today it was fitting. It was nice to have my sun roof open, blasting this song, hair waving all over the place, no fucks given at all. My “happy songs” are songs that I can listen to and they will instantly put me in a good mood. I have attached the video for your listening enjoyment. It’s house music, so it might not be your taste, but my taste is everything. You really should listen to it despite it not being your taste!

My mom also adopted a new dog today! She’s so fucking cute. Her name currently is Dot but they are working on another name. Here’s some pics of her! The other dog in the pic is my mom’s other dog Mr. Big. She wants to name this dog Carrie (from Sex and the City, Carrie and Mr. Big, so cute…anyway) but her boyfriend doesn’t want to. But they would be soooooooooo cute as Carrie & Mr. Big! (You can also catch a glimpse of my FAVORITE sandals in the first picture, courtesy of Victoria’s Secret from like 94850283509 years ago)

Okay, well I wanted to update before I pop back over to my friends house. I really just feel like changing out of this dress and putting on my jammy’s but I guess I can show face for a little bit longer. I am already in this cute dress, and BONUS my friend’s sister pulled up and had a bunch of earrings, and gave me this pair because they match my dress! I just WON AT LIFE TODAY!!!I Okay, time to jet. I’m getting a new bathtub tomorrow! Yahoo!!!!!!!

Also thank you again to everyone who reads my blog. I do this as a therapy tool for myself, but it’s awesome that other people read it. I just want to raise awareness to the mental illness community and show that it’s not something we should hide or be ashamed of. This is who we are, and we deal with it. Sometimes I am bat shit fucking crazy, but most of the time I’m just misunderstood. As Madonna said, “This is who I am, you can like it or not. You can love me, or leave me, but I’m never gonna stop, no no.”

MondayyyYyyyYyy

It doesn’t feel like Monday when you don’t have a job. It’s just like any other fucking day. If you have read some of my previous posts you’ll know that I absolutely hate Monday’s. If you do a Google image search for “fuck Monday memes” you will be LOL for sure. That’s how I used to TRY to get in a good mood for work on Monday mornings, just have a quick LOL at some of those memes and go on with my shitty ass day. Like this image for example….this can easily make you smile even for a hot second on a shitty Monday. It’s a cute kitty getting drunk because he/she hates Monday’s too. It’s a national crisis.

So I posted last night/this morning that I was going to be productive. I am happy to report that the time is currently 5:40 PM and I did get somethings checked off my list. First, you’ll have to know that because I am bipolar and unemployed, I consider getting out of bed and taking a shower as productive. Actually getting dressed after that shower, putting on makeup, and wearing something other than PJ’s is super productive for me. So I’ve already done all of those things today. (I slacked a little bit and didn’t style my hair.) This may sound stupid as fuck to someone who doesn’t understand being bipolar, but anyone who has it or truly understand it and knows my situation knows how hard it is to overcome small challenges like getting out of bed when you have no reason to. It really pisses me off when people use the phrase “you’re so bipolar” as an insult. Not to me, just in general. It should piss off anyone who is bipolar really.

I am doing this blog most importantly for myself and my own issues, and if by other people reading it using the tags of bipolar, or mental illness, or whatever read it, and it helps them too, then that’s even better. I struggled with the isolation of being bipolar for years, and I knew it wasn’t ME and I didn’t want to feel that way, but I also didn’t know what to do. I finally got a really good doctor who listens and understands my concerns about medication and diagnosis. Being positive and maintaining the positive attitude has really been helping me maintain my bipolar disorder throughout these last few weeks. I really like this quote because it’s true. Having this mental illness has taught me that I can overcome any challenge, and also not to let things get stuck in my head and give me negative energy. If I do let things get stuck in my head, I get pulled way the fuck down and it’s so hard to climb out of that. This blog really does help me channel all my thoughts and release them from my head.

Anyway, I got a package this morning at 9 AM and I don’t have a doorbell but Maizy is a great improviser. I’ve never seen how crazy she gets when a delivery man comes to the door since I’m usually at work. She went fucking crazy, which is why I woke up in the first place and actually signed for the package. Anyway, I splurged a little bit with some leftover tax money and purchased myself a new pipe. But not just any pipe, a cupcake one! Thank you to Chameleon Glass for the pipe, case, grinder, storage container, lighter, sticker and candy they sent along with my pipe. It’s my first time ordering with them, but it won’t be my last. They were super fast, excellent customer service, and provided me with tracking information as soon as it was available. So here it is!!!!!!!

I also got in touch with the unemployment office today. They told me they would release my first payment today, and I should have it in my bank account in a few days. I shouldn’t have had to call in the first place, it should have been done automatically. Of course, it wasn’t….so I had to get on their asses and take care of business myself. I have to certify again on Monday for the last 2 weeks, and then it should release a couple days after that. I got a notice from the unemployment office last week that said my employer never responded to the paperwork they sent over as to why I was terminated, and so by default I automatically get unemployment.

I also reached out to my former boss and told him I tried contacting HR regarding getting reimbursed for the wages they took out of my last paycheck for insurance. Basically in my email to my former boss I said hey, I know this isn’t your job, but can you please get the fuck on the person who is so we can be done with this already? Shortly after I emailed him I got a response back from HR. She told me she was out of the office sometime when I sent her the email and it had gotten pushed down in her inbox and she lost track of it and never followed up. She didn’t really have an answer as to when I’d get my money back, hopefully this week. She said she would have a better idea once payroll is finished and that I should email her on Thursday to get more information. I made sure I put 2 reminder notices on my iPhone calendar to follow up Thursday. I want every last dollar I can possibly get out of that place.

When I checked the mail today I got a letter stating that I was accepted for Medicaid. So I have health insurance. YAY! I also got another letter from the state saying they needed more information from me in order to qualify me for food assistance. I got the paperwork today, and they needed to receive it today. I called at 4:30 and left a message and said hey dudes, I just got this today, and there’s no way I can get this information to you today. So hopefully they’ll return my call tomorrow and allow me to have extra time.

I also got in touch with someone I used to be a server with. He recently moved into the area and is serving at one of my favorite Italian restaurants out here and said he makes bank. He is going to try and get me some part time work up there so I can get cash, and my unemployment. It’s temporary. I definitely do not want to be a server for very long, I enjoy office work too much. (That was my back handed way of saying I’d rather be lazy and sit at a desk than actually work on my feet!)

Well, now I guess I’m having some company. Someone I haven’t seen in a while. I’m glad I did my makeup today….I just wish I would’ve done my hair so I could look my absolute best, but whatever. I think I look decent. Pale, but decent. More bronzer. Definitely more bronzer. I will post about how this rendezvous goes.

If you had a shitty Monday, don’t forget my trick to instant LOL’s on Monday! (Google image search fuck monday memes)

P.S.– The countdown is officially on!!!

Wacky World

I don’t really have anything to post about but considering I’m a little dazed, have ADHD, love to talk and type fast there will be a blog post somewhere.

SOOOOOOOO okay, I’m having construction done on my house and I have to use the last of my savings to put my current rent that’s due tomorrow in escrow until the house passes inspection on April 27. So I’ll have to buy myself sometime with that. I’m thinking I didn’t get the job I went after but I’m okay with it because it would require a lot of travel and I don’t know if it’s really what I wanted to do anyway. I can still collect my unemployment and waitress in the mean time while I look for something else. Which is what I think I’m going to do.

Also, today is opening day for the Detroit Tigers and I wish I was downtown because it’s like a fucking party. Even if you’re not at the game, its a fucking party all over downtown today! UGH so much fun! I should take a shower and just get all pretty with my D gear on. Ah, fuck it might as well. What else have I got to do? I’m going to… and watch the game. Create my own experience.

Tomorrow they’re doing some chemical treatments on the house and me and the pooch can’t be here. My mom agreed to work from home so that we would have somewhere to go. Maizy loves having me here. She wants to be around me all the time. It’s so cute. She is so presh. She’s cuddling in bed with me right now.

Eh well okay I’m going to take a shower and get my game day experience on. I should clean too but yeah, no. I’m going to apply for jobs as well. I don’t overwhelm myself and apply for everything. I apply for like 3-4 on each website a day, and keep a log of what I apply for so that when I get a call or email back, I can make sure it’s something I actually applied for and not some BS.

Blahhhhhhhh, I am toooooooooo lazy for anything right now……or lazy really isn’t the word but you know.

Update 3:41 PM TIGERS BEAT THE TWINS 4-0 ON OPENING DAY! TIGERS FTW!

Update 5:50 PM Okay I’m putting this out there. I’ve been waiting to hear back from someone I shouldn’t. It’s like you know you should stay away, but for some reason you can’t. You just go back for more. In two situations now that I think about it. Why do I always go after the wrong things? The wrong people? The wrong MEN. Mostly because I think my perspective of men is completely fucked up, and that is a whole other can of worms that we can even get into right now. I’m going to be around my friend right now because she needs a friend and I do too. I can’t sit around and wait for someone who I know is just going to hurt me.

Update 8:38 PM being around people helps. I got some grocery shopping done even though I feel like every dollar coming out of my pocket hurts me. Rawr. I need to put my energy elsewhere I guess. 

Lazy Sunday

Spending Sunday with my mom and our dogs trying to gather my thoughts and gear up for this week. I have to deal with reality tomorrow, and work. Oh work. I blew it off last week. So, it’s time to refocus. I just wanted to post this pic.

 

(My dog Maizy on the left, moms dog Mr. Big on the right)

So yeah, Sunday’s are usually my zen day. I’m so stressed over money right now. I have $15 to my name. I wonder how this is going to work out this week. As Tim Gunn would say….

Deep breaths. You got this.

I’m starting to feel anxiety over this week. Especially tomorrow. I’m getting my stuff back, but I don’t know what condition it’s in. I didn’t even think about that. Now comes the panic and the worry. I have no one here to try and talk me out of it. So, here goes my mind. But, no. Stop. It’ll be okay. You’ll figure this out. You’re figuring it out as you go and you’re doing okay, and you’ll continue to do okay. Just don’t fall completely apart. I’m so close to it, I feel like at any minute I’m about to shatter in a million little pieces. But I can’t and I won’t. I’m going to talk myself through and out of it.

Breathe.

PS – How can I be sad when I have this? I love my dog.

Faith

When people fuck up, everyone loses faith. I guess when someone fucks up, I don’t lose faith. I have even more faith then ever. Maybe it’s because I’m prone to fucking up, so I know that a turn around is just around the corner. But fuck up and faith begin with the same letter so, that’s symbolic to me. I guess with conversations I’ve had to have today, most of them on defensive mode, inspired this blog.

I can’t explain why I feel the way I feel. But when you know it, you go with it. I’ve been where people had no faith in me, and gave up on me. Most people have. Why shouldn’t they? What good am I? I can’t get my shit together to save my life. I barely try. I only really give a shit about myself. I hear it all the time. From my friends and my family. It’s the truth, it’s just not the whole truth. I care about other people way more than I give a shit about myself, but I’ll never show it because having feelings scares the shit out of me.

But back to having faith, I have faith in a person that no one else does right now. I give a shit maybe because no one else does. I have faith because I have feelings and know this person means well. I don’t need to justify and defend them, they are good through and through. They get down on their knees and pray to do well. I have faith they will do right by me, and that’s all I can ask. I have faith. ❤

PS – Happy Birthday to a former friend who I lost contact with and we no longer speak to, and who doesn’t read this. But, I think of you and our friendship. We just fell out of touch after I fell out of our circle and shit but I miss you and I think I’ll shoot you a text right now.

Update – I reached out to my friend and she responded. Awesome sauce.

Also, this show is the tits:

Another update – Ran out of episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (started last night) so I moved on to House of Cards. Again, house of tits because I like to emphasize anything with tits or fuck, because that’s how I roll. Kevin Spacey is tits. Sounds A+ to me.

Caught the clock at my birthday time! (4/29) I’m really pushing through and trying to find faith in myself today. I don’t know if it’s positive thinking, pot, happy thoughts, or content.

Whatever it is, I like having my happy place (here) to come to to share my randomness. My life is a fuckfest. I need to get my ass to work. I wish work fit around my custom schedule sometimes. Like I could deal with my bullshit and work. But I can’t. I am just hoping that everything will be a-ok. Like it has to be, right? I received more information leading me to believe that it won’t be, but I am just going to let go, and let God. I know that seems a little cheesy but, whatever. When I called my team lead this morning to tell him I wasn’t coming in and what the situation was, he said a prayer with me. I found it refreshing. It was what kind of inspired this to begin with to be honest.

So yeah, I’ll hit this and try again for tomorrow.

Awake at 8:00 AM on a Saturday?!… this is some kind of record for me man

So, I know my whole post last night was probably hard to follow, and some of you (most of you) probably gave up. I didn’t even proofread because I was typing my way through a panic attack. Basically certain peoples whereabouts were unknown, and know they are known, everything I guess is okay, but kinda not really. I mean for me it is. I was indirectly involved. Well I wasn’t specifically, but let’s just say ummm, my property. Yes, my property is fine! I don’t want to get too specific again because really the exact details aren’t anyone’s business except for who I choose to tell. I wanted to update you with that. Also because I’m awake at 8:00 on a Saturday fucking morning. Anddddddddd what the fuck else is there to do when you’re still hijacking hijacked wifi?

I need to get in a happy place NOW

There is so much bad shit running through my mind right now. A lot of unknowns. I won’t get into specifics. But if what the unknown is what turns out to be what I think it is, then I’m going to be like *poof* pissed the fuck off. Aside from that, I’ll be extremely hurt, heartbroken, amongst another things. So, like I said, without being so specific here (because I really have absolutely no idea what really is happening at this point, contact unknown) I just really need to get my mind elsewhere. So, it’s here. Here it is. In my happy place. Here goes it. Here it goes.

Work this week. MIND FUCK. I think I mentioned this before, but I sit RIGHT NEXT TO MY BOSS. This is a huge problem for me. Mostly because I’m always somehow getting sales and numbers or whatever the fuck they want this month, but never at my desk. Hmmmmmmm…………..I just kinda float. So now that my boss can see me AT ALL TIMES, he can literally see me, at all fucking times. He keeps watch on me. He told me today I’m his project. Whenever he sees me talking to other people he shoos me away from them. I guess that’s good. I’m just trying to get someone to smoke a cig with me TO BE HONEST.

Then some other fuckery happened. A good, good, person got let go. Fuck this place. FUCK this place. UGH. I walk around with a target. Why am I not gone? I’m waiting for it. It’s my ammo for another gig. Ugh, I hate new jobs. I’m so fucking weird. I’m SO fucking weird. Whatever.

I’m really glad my dog is getting along with 1 of these 2 cats. The other went crazy and attacked me and the dog so it went to bed with my friends daughter who I am watching along with her house for the night. I had to bring my fur baby along too! She had so much fun in the car! Weeeee!

I took like 8225895828982023093owiotei (an estimate) pictures of her with her face out the window smiling! She looks so happy! Weeeeeeeeee Maizy!

Okay, so the thing that I don’t know about if it’s a thing I don’t know about. I’m just going to figure this whole shishkabob out in the morning. I’m totally stealing wifi from my friend who is actually stealing it from someone else. Hacker life.