Love

Who says you have to be IN love to have love? I’m surrounded by love every single day. Maybe not in the way I want it, but I’m getting there. Being around these kids that love and look up to me so much makes me realize you can find love in a hopeless place. I have. I’m winning the fight. I know this blog is my happy place, and lately it hasn’t been to happy. But, I haven’t been too happy lately. Now, I’m happy. I feel like I’m on the right track. Or some track at least. I haven’t been on track in a long time. I’ve been lost in a chaotic space for far too long, and I’m back bitches.

I have been feeling good spiritually, which helps. I went to my old home today and donated all my exes stuff. It’s going to go to people who actually want it, and need it, and not use my old home as a storage facility. These were our last ties, and I tried to be nice and give it to his family, and they blew me off, so that’s it. Bye bye. Not feeling any guilt or resentment over it. All the things he did to me, and how he did me so wrong. I felt like a fool for actually wanting him back for a half second despite all the horrible things he did to me and in life in general.

I’m glad I’ve grown into myself, and back into the dating world. It’s pretty scary when you cut yourself off emotionally from everyone for so long, then you try to love again. You have blinders on for sure. I knew I was going down and dark and dangerous path, but you get sucked in. Their games get me. But I got smart. Much like this.

You’re in jail, I’m in not. When you get out of jail, you’ll still be on a shit load of tight ass probation which you fucked up last time within 2 months. Oh, and and alcohol tether will be real nice for an alcoholic. It feels good to have those problems not be my problems anymore. Adios. Rot in your misery. I wish you well, but bad people like you never get better because they don’t want to. Bye bye. Later hater.

But back to love. I feel like I’m incapable of real love. I keep going back and forth between two of the most different men possible. I can’t choose. I like the nice guy, he gives me what I want, what I deserve, tells me what I want, and not because he wants to get in my pants. He’s generous, sincere, kind hearted, and true, all the way through. On the other hand I have my kind of ex, but we were friends for a long time. We argue about stupid things, but we relate to each other on a different level that most can’t understand. He does things for me too. I guess I’m conflicted because I’m used to getting hurt, that if anyone is going to hurt, I guess I’ll be doing the hurting?

No, I’m too nice of a person to be like that. So I’ll make a decision. One knows about the other. The other does not, and would probably die if he found out. I’m keeping my options option. That’s it. I’m a single woman and entitled to do so.

But you don’t to have an actual boyfriend, girlfriend or partner to have love. Love is everywhere. Love is waking up with a smile and getting out of bed in the morning when you used to lay in bed all day depressed. Love is having little kids wanting to spend every waking minute with you because they think you’re the coolest and you’re their best friend. (because technically you’re not their aunt) Love is being able to help someone who needs help out, and asking for nothing in return. We do find it in hopeless places. Maybe because we feel hopeless, and not capable of love. But we all are. No matter your depression, your mental illness, whatever is dragging you down. Find love in that god damn pudding you want to eat but haven’t because you’re worried about calories. FUCK IT. Love is everywhere, we have to find it any make it ours, claim it, and call it love.

If you have days like I had, remember, there’s beauty in you too. You are beautiful. Inside and outside. Love yourself for who you are. We have one life to live, embrace it. You are a beautiful individual and you should embrace it.

I hope this is a little bit back to the happy place my blog once was. The Calvin Harris and House station on Pandora always get me inspired to write. Hence where the song and this blog came from. Please feel free to share or subscribe to my blog. My goal is to raise awareness about mental illness, so if you, or someone you know struggles with one, or you think might have one, please, send them my blog. I live with this everyday. It’s a bitch. But if I can go through it everyday, I believe most can. All it takes is a little bit of this, which my blog has given some people…

Enjoy your almost weekend bitches! ❤ Enjoy the song and the blog and hopefully you’ll find love in a hopeless place.