Devil’s Night

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. (My boyfriend named good if you have been following along.) I’ve been out of treatment for 2 weeks and 1 day. When I was in treatment I had so many intense feelings for him. I would write him letters everyday about how much I loved and missed him. However once I got out, I didn’t feel the same. It’s like a switch flipped inside of me. I don’t know how to explain it, and it totally crushed him. But I had to explain to him that I’m going in one direction, and he’s just standing still. He’s still not working, he doesn’t have a car, or a license. How can I move forward when he isn’t? It’s not fair to me. I want someone who is motivated, and right now it seems like I’m his only motivation. That’s so much pressure. I’ve actually been meaning to break up with him since I got out, but I knew this would absolutely crush him, so I’ve been putting it off.

I told him we can be friends, because I feel like that’s what we’ve been lately. He said that’s all he hears, that he’ll be friends with his ex and it never works out. He knows that I’ll move on and find someone else. Maybe I will? I don’t know. He was very good to me. But lately, since he ran out of money, and he doesn’t have a job, everything has been on me. I’m selfish, I want someone to take care of me. I know this about myself. He did that before, and he knows that about me. He knows he needs to step up. I told him that if he can get his shit together, maybe things will change. I’m giving him a silver lining but do I think we’ll get back together? Probably not. I think the chapter is closed. I don’t think I’ll have those feelings for him again. Which brings me to my next point….

I’m ready to move on. I still have hope that evil & I will get back together. He’s currently in a treatment center for 6 months. I know our relationship won’t work if he doesn’t stay sober. I don’t know if he’s capable of doing it. I want him to be. I hold on to it. But again, I should just move on. 6 months is a long time. I can’t just sit around and wait for him for 6 months. So I’m not. Just because I’m sober, doesn’t mean I can’t have fun, have a social life. Go out and meet new people. Which is EXACTLY what I’ll be doing tonight.

I remember 5 years ago the first time I got sober the first time I went out was at a Halloween party with a good group of people. I wasn’t uncomfortable, I felt totally fine in my environment. People were drinking, having a good time. I had an out if I wanted to leave. I was with a good friend who understood my situation and wouldn’t put me in harms way. She knew that it was a huge leap for me to even come to the party, and knew that I probably wouldn’t stay long, and it was my first venture after my stint in rehab. Well, tonight I’m going to experience that all over again. I’m going to “test the waters” I guess. I’ll be fine. Drinking doesn’t really do it for me, I think drunk people are hilarious.

I mostly want to go out because I love being slutty on Halloween. Plus I have a lot to celebrate. (with water!) I just got a new job, I’m newly single, newly sober, I’m fresh out on the prowl. I want to help my friend troll for some new dudes, and she’s going to help me do the same. The best part is, I WON’T HAVE BEER GOGGLES. See example below.

I can also help my friend from this mistake.

The only problem is I have to wear a Halloween costume. I think I might just wear some slutty ass outfit and my Hello Kitty ears and call it a night. I told my friend to get some cat ears, draw on some whiskers and go as a sex kitten. (See what a good influence I am?)  Meowwww =^^=

My other friend came to me on Monday and said that she wanted to go to treatment. She had a court date on Wednesday, and after that she was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend because of his involvement with drugs and all the drama he brings. Well, it’s now Friday and she has yet to make any changes. I honestly don’t believe she’s going to do it. I know she NEEDS to do it, I PRAY she’ll do it. I told her this isn’t the type of thing you dwell on, or research. It’s the type of thing you just go and do. You pack your bags full of random shit. You don’t even know what you packed because you are just so worried about getting there, and then you fucking go. There’s no thinking, no researching, you just go, just do. I ended up re-friending her on Facebook just so I could kind of creep in on her life. I have no interest in being friends with her, taking her calls unless it’s about getting help. She’s very skinny, disgusting looking, crack addict looking. She initially told me that she just needs to go for depression. I told her that’s a load of bullshit. She needs to get honest with herself. She said she’s really good at manipulating doctors. I said well if you want to get better, you have to be honest. You have to tell all your doctors your an addict. You have to realize your body doesn’t know the difference between taking drugs for pain and for pleasure. I pray for her and her children’s sake she gets well. But until she checks herself in, I will not be taking her calls, entertaining her questions about treatment. Her main concern was detoxing. Really? Get over it.

Anyway, I’m going to load myself slap happy full of coffee this morning so I can finally get the motivation to sort through this mountain of shit in the basement that I call my belongings. I have THREE closets worth of clothes. Now that I have a job, I have to organize my shoes which are currently in a box. I can’t believe I treated them so badly. I hope they forgive me. I think I might need another treatment center….

My Struggles.

So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.

I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!

 I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.

(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)

You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.

Before:

After:

Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.

Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.

It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.

I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.

I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!

I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.

WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo

Rant of frustration

My roommate spends most of her time with her boyfriend who lives two houses away. Yesterday she happened to be home and realized there’s no toilet paper in the house. I took her to the store and got get shut for the house. All I wanted for myself were these Popsicles. Her kids ate them all and said mom is going to pay you back. She throws it up in my face that I ate two things of hers. Perhaps I should take back all the pop I bought that she’s been drinking, the coffee and toilet paper too. I said dont worry, I’ll go back and replace more items for your home. 

I can’t move home with my dad unless I get rid of maizy. Not happening. So I’m stuck here. Every night she sleeps at her mans house and locks get two cats in my living area (the basement) where they torture my dog, claw my furniture and I have to sleep with my door closed bc they come in my room in the night and knock shit over or attack me. Not to mention their litter box is in my bathroom, she never cleans it, they shit all over the floor. She keep saying she will move it but she never does. Her AC is broken, washer is broken, but since she can just go to her man’s house it doesn’t bother her. The first week I moved in the power got shut off bc she owed so much on it. Now it’s in my name and she hasn’t paid on it. I had to pay my portion and her portion of our Internet bill, but still give her $20 for rent. But she didn’t pay the DTE bill. 

The reason I wanted to move is because this is my best friend of 25 years and I don’t want living together to ruin our friendship. She wants me to pay for a pair of underwear my dog chewed through but seems to forget her cat chewed through a pair of $300 coach shoes she borrowed. That’s another thing. She keeps borrowing my stuff and not returning it, but keeps wearing it instead. Half of the time when I borrow something, I give it back dirty otherwise they’ll never get it back. She has some of my favorite  leggings and I’m very over protective of them because they’re unique. 

It’s hard for us to sit down and talk this out because she’s never here! 

Today I’m going for over to evils house. I’m going with his parents to take to a psychiatric hospital to get assessed to see if they’ll take him or not. I found the hospital and it’s one of the best in the country. Then after that he’s entering a long term inpatient drug treatment program  . So he will be off getting better for a while. This will give me a chance credit to go into my new job with a clear head and focus. 

I’ve been practicing my conservative makeup look since that’s what they want at this job. I’m chain smoking and slamming down coffee like it’s my job God damn. I have to get in the shower but there’s about 5 little kids sleeping in my living room in giant tents so this is going to be fun. 

Before I go, here’s a pic of Maizy in the morning since she can’t have coffee. Maybe I’ll give her a treat. 

   
 

Friday

It doesn’t feel like Friday but that’s what the calender says so we’ll go with it. FRIDAY MOTHER FUCKERS!

I’m a hypocrite for this meme because I just bought a shirt that says Fashion is my second favorite “F” word. Last but not least,  we have my favorite man of all….

Oh you guys know I love my memes. Google Friday memes and, BOOM instant satisfaction that it’s Friday. Much like how Monday’s suck, and you Google Monday memes, and BOOM instant satisfaction that the world agrees that Monday’s suck.

I got a little money in my pocket from some work I did, so I went and kidnapped good. He stayed over last night and he’s going with me to my attorney meeting today to see if he’s going to take the case. I’m taking him with me because he’s a witness to all the stuff that happened AFTER the city supposedly cleared it. I told him you’re going to see me really bossy today.

I’m also going to dress like a professional whore. Let me break this down for you. I’ll be dressed nicely, very classy, with a touch of whore. Like a slit up my skirt and fully covered, but a little cleavage.  This is a guy, and he’s an attorney. I’m pretty sure he’ll have sympathy for a pretty little girl such as myself.

Ah the internet is great. Anyway, I’m having a hard time letting good all the way in because I’ve just been so fucked over in the last couple of months that I literally cannot take it anymore. I know he’s not that kind of guy though, but those walls that I talked about yesterday, I’m having a hard time breaking my own down to let someone in. Someone WORTHY of being let in my life. Good, innocent, considerate, caring, dude, do I need to go on? Maybe. I’ve never had one of the good ones. I did once, but not THIS good. It’s a different feeling, but I’m gonna go with it. I don’t really have much to blog about. I hope I get a chance to hang with my friend because I feel like we haven’t since I moved in.

Found this CD on my computer and I can honestly say I love every track and I want to cum all over Justin Timberlake’s face to this CD. Ughhhh, so hot. So many memories.

Especially this song. This goes out to all those who have harmed us either emotionally, physically, mentally, whatever. Karma bitch.

That’s a perfect picture of karma, don’t you think? I’m getting distracted by singing along to the JT CD. ADHD. Coffee helps. Coffee helps a lots. I’m listening to “Love Stoned” on the JT CD now and this was my JAM. In fact, it used to be my old usertag on twitter back when I was doing my online tie dye business. I should start hustling that shit again. Just an idea that popped into my lovely blonde head. Speaking of which, I need to get ready for my snazzy hopefully attorney. I am getting some bills and documents together. This shit it outrageous. Let me finish this post and let you guys read and enjoy my fuckery. I’ll let you know how this meeting goes. HAPPY FRIDAY MOTHER FUCKERS!

Where was I going with this?

Most blogs are to vent and be all splish splash in haterade. I’m taking all my emotions straight to the net int the form of positivity. See it, think it, believe it. Example.

This morning it’s cold as fuck. No surprise there, it’s Michigan. But, as I pull out on the road early as hell (I’ve been getting to work early to do campaign build so it won’t take away from my phone time — yeah weird, and productive.) But anyway, the sky looks so beautiful, and cotton candy like.

It’s kind of pink & purple which I ~*love*~.

So work was decent I guess. I tried to stay in my own zone despite what else may be going on. I had a few appointments already scheduled today which were guaranteed sales, and I made a couple of cold calls which turned into sales as well.

Also, another bonus of the day:

I passed driving school! Yay! I was offered driving school back in November instead of getting points on my license. Of course I looked for the easiest one I could find, and I waited until the last possible minute. My deadline is TOMORROW. (I got the ticket November 9, 2014… oops!) She also reached out to me about advertisement and I told her I would get her assigned to my book at work and we could work together. Now neat is that? Maybe with her help I might make some of that Secretary of State money back in commission. That would be nice.

I’m only *slightly* bummed because today I had to move my desk out of my comfort zone. But hey, I don’t mind. It gives me a whole new perspective of things. I miss all my ninjas I used to sit with but I guess I need to refocus my energy. Like this guy:

I’m so excited to do it all again tomorrow! Yes! Another day living the dream!

Speaking of dreams, if unicorns were real would be their anatomy.

Ah shit! What the hell am I talking about? Unicorns are real! I am one! Bitch!

I think I did a little bit too much of this while writing this post since I have to wait up for someone to get home and pick them up. Weeeeeee!

Listening to: Deadmau5 & Kaskade, “I Remember (Remix)”