My Struggles.

So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.

I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!

 I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.

(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)

You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.

Before:

After:

Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.

Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.

It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.

I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.

I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!

I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.

WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo

It does get worse

Well just when things couldn’t get any worse, they do. I was on my way this morning to take evil to probation. On the way there I got pulled over for an improper turn. Well, they took evil to jail. I’m still at his house because his family is nice enough to let me stay. But, he told me this is all my fault, I’m a stupid bitch. Then when he called his mom he said that he was going to punch me in the face. Why do I put up with this again? Here’s why.

We can’t help who we love. Good, bsd, troubled, safe, secure, insane, an addict….if we could we would all be in perfect relationships.

This just really upsets me considering I was so close to getting him the help he desperately needs. I’m all he has. So if I give up, it’s like there’s no hope for him anymore.

To top it all off I’m no longer welcome in my friends home I’ve been staying. I won’t answer her messages. She has been going behind my back and talking to my parents to figure out what to do with me. Little does she know I have nowhere to go. Which is why I might be uprooting myself to north Carolina. Fresh start, new atmosphere, my family. I might have convinced my cousin who lives down there to take care of my dog. I can’t live without her.

I’m simply a mess. I create my own disasters, burn bridges, then wonder why I’m all alone. I thought the people who are “ride or die” are there to support you at even the lowest points in your life. I guess that was me putting everyone ahead of myself. Look where it got me? Flat broke out on my ass with not a place or person in sight to go to. Just sit at evils house to see if he gets out of jail.

Dogs are comforting

I still haven’t gotten around to post on life. However evil has been really depressed so I stayed the weekend at his house since his parents were gone. I brought my dog with me. Let me say this. He doesn’t like animals but loves my dog. So I knew me showing up with her was a winning combo. He started to feel better. Here’s a pic of them running together. It melts my heart. I’m glad I was able to make him feel better. It makes me feel good knowing I have that ability to care about someone who cares that much back. 

  

Birthday happiness

I have to say that despite doing not much on my birthday it was swell. It most definitely ended swell too and continued into this morning. (You follow me?)

This is the same person I mentioned a few blogs back that him and I have been super close friends for a couple years. We met under some really fucked up circumstances, and a lot has happened since we initially met. There has always been chemistry between us, but the last night we finally did something about it. It’s like we have been in this super close friend zone for so long that we thought that’s all it might be.

I just feel bad right now because he’s really depressed about a lot of shit in his life. His ex won’t let him see his kid and hasn’t for over a year. He’s still going through the court battle to get ANY visitation with his son. He has a lot of other issues like me too, so I know what it’s like to he stuck inside your head when all this bad shit is happening in your life. It’s makes it almost impossible to get out of bed and do anything. He’s been so upset and mopey all day long and I feel horrible about it, and wish there was something I could do. It just hurts to see your friend be in so much pain and you’re not able to do anything to help them.

He knows I don’t want to put myself out there either because of how my last “relationship” went, and he himself is just in a shitty mindset. All I can so as a person is be there for him. When they say you can’t change people, it most certainly is true. I realized today the same is true with emotions. You can’t change someones emotions, or try and make them feel better when you suffer with mental illness. I feel really bad I’m going to try and cuddle or something.

My friend is coming over in a little bit so I can do her hair for a “date” she’s going on tonight. I say it like that because they’ve been friends forever, but she does like him, and of course I want to make sure she looks hot as hell. My friends always have me doing their hair since i”m just a whiz at it. I should start charging. Oh snap, and it looks like I just made $40 by selling my tablet.