Happy birthday America!

    
Happy 4th of July lovers! ❤ Have fun this weekend celebrating our nations birth, but be careful! Fireworks, alcohol, fires, all very dangerous objects and well combined, it can be just plain horrific. I’m chilling with my boo all day! I wanna blow shit up! Although I am hungover from last night and our bonfire. Oops. I can’t not celebrate today so I have to get my shit together. Skip the coffee, right to Monster. Like I said everyone enjoy your weekend! Hope you see lots of amazing fireworks and have s great time. Will post an update of my 4th of July outfit later! It’s a good one! 🙂 

Happy 3rd of July

Just had to post this. God Bless America mother fuckers. Celebrate this weekend safely. Don’t drink and drive, smoke and fly. I guess this is a PSA plus an excuse to post my outfit.

Update 10:52 PM hanging out by the fire and went on an amazing date. Watching all the fireworks in the hood. The 313 is poppin! 

  

Exploring my music collection & life

As I mentioned I’m exploring my music collection out so I will be updating the songs I’m listening to. You can click on the links and they will open up the song in a new window in YouTube if you’re interested. 🙂 (Currently starting with New Found Glory, “Ballad for the Lost Romantics”)

So I am officially in a relationship with good. I feel really good about my decision to make a commitment to him, although it usually makes me want to do bad things when they’re not around. But he’s different and he takes care of me, as I mentioned. I don’t have any fears with him, he just does things for me without me even asking. It’s never like I did this for you, so you should do this for me. I think my perception of relationships is changing.

Mostly because I closed off emotionally for 7 years, then when I finally met someone, they were horrible to me and for me, I just got super close super quick. It’s like all the things I didn’t feel for 7 years came out in all the wrong ways, well more like on the wrong people. I’m not going backwards, I feel like making this change who is like a prince charming means I’m done with all the bad men. Putting their bullshit in a box, storing it on a shelf, and letting it be. I’m done with men hurting me and making me feel like a piece of shit, and getting in my head. I’m a good girl (hehe, kinda) and deserved to be treated right.

Nice guys were always too nice for me, so I could never be with one. Plus, I blog about all my mental illnesses so I feel like nice guys can’t handle how crazy I can be sometimes. It’s not my fucking fault.

That’s why I like blogging, and listening to music. It puts me in good spirits. (Currently listening to Maroon 5, “Can’t Stop”) I’m updating from 2 work stations and the big computer at the top has a huge hard drive with ALL my music starting from 2004 when I bought the computer. (Currently listening to La Roux, “Bulletproof”)

(Currently Listening to KT Tunstall, “Suddenly I see”) I just took my boo after basically kidnapping him for a couple days. I’m supposed to hang out with my girl whose out to eat with her man. She said she’s supposed to come back here but she might end up hanging out with him since they’re both kid-less, but I really hope she does want to hang. I’m in the mood since my boo left. It’s really great to live with my friend of 25 years. I know my blogs have been a little confusing because of how much stress I was under from moving but now that things are coming together.

(Currently listening to John Mayer, “Why Georgia”) Things are so much better than living at my old house and it’s not a piece of shit. I’m back in my home town where I know where everything is. Getting back to a comfort zone of some sorts. I haven’t moved very much so it was very stressful, especially doing it all by myself. I am not used to doing things on my own, despite being 29 years old. I very much rely on others for help and there was no one there to help me this time. I was doing everything by myself and had no motivation to do anything, but so much desire to get the fuck out of my old house.

(Currently listening to Franz Ferndinand, “Take Me out”) I am kind of in transition since I don’t know how long I’ll be living here, when I’ll get a job, what the fuck is going to happen with me, but I’m just taking things day by day. Living in the moment. Trying to be free and fearless, and not let my anxiety get the best of me.

(Currently listening to Eminem, “Drug Ballad”) Perfect time for a 4:20 break.

During my 420 break:

Buckcherry, “Lit up”
Blackstreet, “No Diggity”
Aerosmith, “Sweet Emotion”

It’s funny how certain people, like good, who is my BOYFRIEND *gasp* can just change us, and make us feel a certain way. Special, and good, and for the first time in my life I feel like I KNOW the other person cares about me. Their feelings are genuine, they don’t want anything out of me, other than me to be me. That’s a reassuring feeling. I have a friend who is in a relationship right now and feels completely under appreciated and taken for granted, and gets no affection whatsoever. She can’t live with him, or without him, she’s torn. But I told her if she’s not happy there are other men out there that you can be with that will make you feel totally happy.

(Currently listening to Britney Spears, “Piece of me”) Life is all about the pursuit of happiness, which is why I love that song so much. We only get one shot at this life, we there is no time for negativity and unhappiness. Live life to the fullest.

(Currently listening to Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Gold Lion”)
(Currently listening to TI, “What you know”)

Obviously I am more interested in my music at this point and I think just about all I came on the interwebz to say today. Enjoy my fuckery of a musical selection, yes, I know it’s all over the place, just like me 😉

Where’s the reset button

(I started this when I first woke up around 9 am)

I took my sleeping meds last night and now I woke up feeling like complete shit. They had to change the ones I normally take because the other ones aren’t covered on my new insurance. But I feel like crap. Coffee, nor Monster is working at this point. I feel congested too like it fucked with my head or throat and nose and ugh, I don’t know but this happens sometimes and I just want to lay in a hole and be left alone all day. I managed to fix my friend’s computer so that she could work from home and I wouldn’t have to watch the kids all day, just while she runs to the store.

I also think I’m having some sort of separation anxiety, hence why I can’t sleep because I can’t talk to good. His phone doesn’t work up north and he doesn’t have service, so we really haven’t been talking. To be honest he calms me down a lot more then I think he does now that he’s not here or available rather. When I start to feel wanted, I start to also feel very needed. Wah I just feel like a big emotional mess right now and I’d rather be anywhere than here, in my own skin, because of how uncomfortable I feel right now.

So I’ve woken up a little bit and still haven’t heard from him. Even though it’s 1:30 it’s no surprise he’s sleeping. I told him thats one of the things that bothers me about him, but right now he is on vacation so I’m not stressing.I think way to fucking much.

I miss him. He’s good and he cares. I feel horrible for basically flipping out on him, but I don’t exactly know how to approach confrontation because I hate it. So mine comes out much like my father’s, where I build up and explode, and everything comes out all at once. I felt horrible after doing it and never had the chance to really say sorry. He’s comforting and sweet, and yesterday I was anxious and there were some things I had been thinking about all night about us and I just exploded. I’m totally wrong and I don’t want to ruin him, or us, or the possibility of us and I need to change some of my ways. Things are different with us. I don’t have to think and wonder and constantly question everything.

Day drinking

Well I had a grand ole time day drinking with my bestie today. I’d post some selfies of us, but I only post pics of myself and keep my friends identities private. Well day drinking turned into day shopping. I really just came on here to post all the cool shit I got today.

OHhhhhhhhhhhh and I wanted and excuse to show off my day drinking outfit:

(I had my outer space leggings on with them which made the outfit so much more bad ass)

My grand total on all my shopping purchases today? $15 mother fuckers! Suck on that! Maybe you should get drunk and go shopping more often because apparently everything is cheaper that way. Anyway, I am waiting for my boo to get back here. He’s staying overrrrrr. My bestie I hung out with tonight is such a doll face that she actually took my laundry home to her house (since I don’t have a washer & dryer) and is going to do it for me! What a sweettttttie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤ ❤

Well I’m going to watch a movie and cuddle with this cute little (well not so little) fuzz ball!

Life changes, changing life

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s going to happen with this move. Living here and meeting the people I’ve met has been a great experience for me. I was thrown out on my ass with no place to go. I was taken in by a good friend of mine who helped me find the place I’m being evicted from. Sure, it’s not the greatest place or somewhere I ever imagined myself living, but it taught me a very important lesson. It showed me that instead of crying and whining about shit, just pick yourself up off the floor and do something about it.

I’ve never denied to anyone that’s called me out that I’m spoiled. So my entire life someone has always cleaned up my messes. But this time it was different. No one wanted me. I realize now that I would’ve done the same thing if I was them. I had to learn that at some point in my life I have to grow up and figure shit out on my own.

I’m so grateful for my best friend for letting me live with her. I feel like it will be really good for the both of us. She’s been through so, so, so, SO much and she definitely deserves a break. I feel like I can be that break for her. Right now I’m unemployed but I plan on paying her what I can for rent and bills, I’m hustling in so many ways for a job and money. I love her kids like they are my own so she also just got in a built in baby sitter. No more struggling with all the kids to run simple errands any more boo! 😉

If I could EVER have a roommate, it’d be her. She’s said the same thing. We just don’t like people. LOL I’m am hopeful for the future and know this will be a great experience for the both of us. We have been through hell and back over the past 25 years, so this just kind of makes sense. No joke I am literally crying as I type this right now. That’s how strongly I feel about this.

Anyway, my dad works for Ford and told me there might be an opportunity for me to get in and work there as well. It would start off as a temporary position, but could lead to full time. It’s also a UNION job which I fucking support the union 90t8w 985 3028%. They have been great to my dad who found this job way too late in life, but found it after he divorced my mother so all this money is 100% his and I’m very happy for him. No offense to my mom or anything, she’s my best friend, but she was always very controlling with their money because she made it known she made more. I jokingly call her my personal shopper now but she’s not taking money away from anyone (like my dad). she actually just came over here and dropped off a couple of dresses.

My mom also got me these Hello Kitty candies that I’m about to smash. I am sick AGAIN so candy will definitely make me feel better. Right? Right!

In other news, I talked to the prosecutor about the case involving my car. He is sending me a letter that I will take to the Secretary of State that allows me to get a REAL LICENSE PLATE BACK ON MY CAR. I have had a paper plate in my back window since this incident happened which was mid March. It’s annoying as fuck because they can pull me over at any time. Also, when it rains they can’t see it. But yayyyyyy! I’m finally getting my plate back. The ONLY thing I’m a little upset about is that I’ve had the same plate number since I got my first car and I won’t have that one anymore. 😦 I’m thinking positively though because something bad has happened with every single one of my cars. So maybe the plate number was a bad omen? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I have to find a job. Unemployment and prostitution is great. Um what? haha Just making sure you’re still with me there. No but seriously, this is boring. I know I will regret that when it’s like 80 degrees outside and I could just sit around and get tan all day long and get paid for it. Buttttttt I like working. I’ve worked since I was 14, so that’s over half my life! My “friend” recently got a job so he’s never around to hang out with either. My bipolar has recently been keeping me down and not wanting to look for jobs, so I can’t find anything if I’m not looking. After I post this blog I’m going to get back on track. I already have the tabs open and ready to go. Plus I’m waiting to hear back from my dad about where to apply at his work. Cha ching $$$ I also have to start organizing my stuff and start packing it up soon. I’ve decided I’m going to move my stuff at night so they don’t know what’s up. I’m a shady bitch like that. Fuck you and this piece of shit. Ahhhh, I love swearing.

Also for extra motivation I have the House station on Pandora blasting through these subs with the bass going. Who gives a fuck if I piss these neighbors off, right?? RIGHT!

(click on image to make larger because these songs are stellarrrrrr)

Alright that’s it for me today. I’m going to rest and drink a lot of water and try to fight this thing. I have a good combo of over the counter meds I can take that will kick this things ass. A doctor I used to work for told me about it because I didn’t have insurance for a while so he always helped me out. Till we meet again….

Mother’s Day & life

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mothers out there! Especially to my mom who is my best friend in the entire world! Here’s a selfie I forced her to take with me (she didn’t want to because she said she looked like shit) then edited it all cute and stuff for her.

I also kind of celebrated Mother’s Day a little myself. NO! NOT LIKE THAT! As of November I became a doggy mommy to Maizy. She is such an amazing dog companion to have since I’ve been out on my own. I’ve always wanted a dog growing up but my dad would never let is. She claimed this unicorn pillow of mine as hers now, which is cute by itself since I love unicorns too AND because she NEVER EVER rips up all my stuffed animals and stuff. But the even cuter thing is that she will carry it from whatever room its in, come into my room when I’m about to go to sleep, and she’ll get on her doggy bed at the foot of my bed and snuggle up with her unicorn pillow. If it’s already in my room and she wants to sleep in the living room she will carry it out there too. It’s SO FUCKING CUTE. How could I possibly be pissed about that? Plus it was a gift I got from my “Secret Santa” thing we did at work this past Christmas. Here’s my baby on her bed with her unicorn.

It didn’t even really occur to me that I’m technically a mom (doggy moms count!) until a “friend” surprised me with a couple little Hello Kitty things he saw. I thought it was incredibly sweet and thoughtful, and of course totally unexpected. (On the left is a little notebook and on the right is a change purse/wallet wristlet)

Now the reason why I quoted “friend” like that is because that’s what we are for sure, but we also have feelings for each other as well. Considering what I just went through, and what I’m STILL going through legally with my ex, I really can’t offer more than that right now. We have a past. Even though most of you don’t know me personally, and just a few of you that read this actually know me outside the internet world, there are certain things I don’t like to talk about regarding some things about my past. I’m an open book about 98% of the time, but there are a couple things I don’t necessarily hide, but I don’t like to bring it up either.

The reason why I am explaining all of this to you is because the circumstances in which we met are pretty fucked up. We met almost 2 years ago when we were in both really bad places in our lives mentally, so there was that immediate connection. We found out that we have a shit load of stuff in common, and we were attracted to each other physically as well. We were never more than just friends back then, and after a while we were barely that. I knew he was in very rocky relationship with someone I knew he wasn’t happy with, but decided to stay with her because they have a kid together. I could understand why she might be a little upset that he was talking to me, but that’s ALL we were doing is talking. We were just talking about our life problems, and it was finally nice for both of us to confide all of our bullshit into someone new, and someone who understood what its like.

We ended up stop talking completely out of no where, and I automatically knew it was due to her insecurities. He recently told me that she actually wrote out all this mean stuff she wanted him to say to me over the phone so it would hurt my feelings so bad that I would hate him for saying it and never speak to him again. He obviously never did it. The fact that someone would go to that far was enough for him to realize she didn’t like it, and he was doing whatever he could to make it work because of his son, he just decided to stop talking to me. It was easier that way.

Well let’s fast forward to present day. We recently got in touch again about a month ago. He was once again in a really bad place mentally, and we kind of just started talking again like we used to. He told me before that he’s always respected me because of something else in my past I overcame, and said that he even looks up to me in a way which is why he turned to me for help. Given what I just went through these last couple of months being with a guy who constantly gets into trouble reallyyyyyyy made it hard to me to actually hang out with him. He has a past with the law too, and has gotten into a lot of trouble, but I guess I see through it. With the last guy I saw through all his troubles too and saw the good person he really is, but I was blinded. I’m thinking it’s because he was the first guy I’ve dated since 2007. YES TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING SEVEN. So, I let things go.

Now I learned my lesson, the hard way of course, but I learned it. Now I can see the good in this guy, not judge him because of his past, but the blinders are off and my guard is way the fuck up. Another thing that is also very different is the last guy and I didn’t know each other previously, we just met at a bar. This guy now I have known and been friends with for a couple of years. The last guy made me feel like a fucking fool after everything was said and done. How could I let this guy get me so caught up? Lesson learned, and from now on, I’m doing this….

I even find myself not making definite plans with him for anything because that fear of commitment is screaming loud as fuck at me. I finally told him that I can’t & won’t get too far ahead with whatever is going on between us, even when it comes to making simple plans for something. I get anxiety even when he talks about making any sort of upcoming plans. For example, DEMF (Detroit Electronic Music Festival AKA Techno Fest) is coming up on Memorial Day weekend. He was talking to one of my good friends about it and they decided we should all go. I won’t give him a straight answer. Even though I am like 99% sure I will end up going, I just can’t say yes.

I know I’m not the only one because my friend said she feels like this too. But sometimes when I make plans ahead of time, I feel like they are destined to go wrong. Actually now that I think about it, I know for a fucking FACT I’m not the only one who feels this way. Ever hear of this thing called MURPHY’S LAW? Well in case you haven’t, you can click that link and go to the Wikipedia page and read all about it. If you happened to be one of those people that actually click on it, I just have one question for you. Have you been hiding under a rock your whole life? How have you never heard of Murphy’s Law? Anyway, off topic.

For Mother’s Day I was invited by his mom to go out to dinner with his mom, step dad, brother and sister. She absolutely loves me because she knows I’ve always been a positive influence on him and she knows I can actually get through to him, whereas she can’t. His brother and sister didn’t even bring their significant others, and I’m technically not even a significant other. LOL After that I went out to eat with my mommy at our favorite Mexican place that’s right at the end of my street. Well she ate & drank, I just drank since I already ate. Every time I see my mom she always has goodies for me. Here’s what she had for me today.

 This is some Hello Kitty party decoration kit. Yeah it’s not my birthday anymore, but it doesn’t say HAPPY BIRTHDAY on it or anything, it just says PARTY which I’m always down for. I can’t wait to hang it up. (I know….pics or it didn’t happen. Stay tuned for that.)

Next is this cute ass strapless floral dress. I typically don’t wear strapless dresses because they require strapless bras (which I hate) and I always just end up pulling it up all night. Well this one is SUPER awesome because it has a built in push up bra already sewn in mother fuckers.

Then she got me a pair of Kate Spade socks. (Yes, I’m aware that I’m spoiled but my mother has made me this way.) I personally would never spend that kind of money on a pair of designer socks, but I didn’t have to. Next to it is a Hello Kitty bracelet that had interchangeable charms! Weeee!

I really didn’t mean for this post to be a huge rant (hence why I had to add “& life” in the title after Mother’s Day) but since I haven’t done a REAL post in a while, there was a lot that needed to be said. I still have more things I need to post about like what happened in court with my ex, what’s happening with my living situation, what’s happening with my landlord fixing my house and being a douche, being unemployed. So yeah, expect a lot of that coming ahead in the near future to a computer screen near you. Ha. You like whatI did there? 😉

It took me so wrong to finish this post that it’s now after midnight on the east coast and technically no longer mothers day. Oh well. My “friend” is going to stay the night tonight because my landlord scheduled for someone to come by between 10-12 tomorrow to inspect my furnace and get its permit. I want him to be here because he knows more about this shit than I do. He actually asked my permission if it was okay for him to go to the casino with his brother tonight. I obviously don’t give a shit so I told him I would wait up for him. What I really meant to say is no I don’t mind but I’m not going to wait up so when you get here you can try calling, but just knock really hard so Maizy will hear you and bark like a mother fucker and wake my ass up. While I’m waiting I’m going to do my nails since they’re horrible. I saw a commercial the other day for a bunch of new nail colors Revlon came out with and was totally obsessed with this one color I saw, but knew it would be about $10 a the store. I decided to pop over to Sally’s Beauty Supply and see if they had any similar colors and sure enough they did. Here’s the color I’m talking about. (If you’ve seen the Revlon commercial, I think it’s almost identical)

Well kiddos, that’s it for me. All you working stiffs out there good luck to you tomorrow/today. (Depending on where your reading from, time zones and shit) Monday’s are the worstttttttttt. I am a tad bit jealous I can’t hate Mondays right now because I don’t have a job, but I’m pretty sure once I get one I’ll regret ever saying that. Keep it real ninjas.

Update: finished product 

  

Second update:

  

Real post. Kinda.

Sorry for my lack of postings once again. I’ve been busy! But I wanted to show off some birthday photos! 

  
   

  (Yes there is a 9 candle missing. It was there in spirit) 

 
My dress was open back and we got this redic temporary tat from a gum ball machine for a little extra flare! 

Which brings me to my next topic, I actually did get some new ink since my birthday! 

  
I already had the top one but got it touched up. The first one says little sister, the second means daughter and the third is grand daughter in Japanese Kanji. Pretty nifty huh?

  
Anyway I’m currently posting from the D. Representing the 313 motha fuckaZzzz. Because I don’t have a job when someone asks me to give them a ride somewhere for gas money and cash, I’m fucking doing it. 

There are a lot of crazies here though. Some guy asked me to share my headphones so we could listen to music together. I’m like no that’s okay, I’m selfish and I need both. Yeah, I’m a smart ass being a smart ass in Detroit. 

  

This afternoon/evening I’m going to a BBQ and drinking all the leftover booze from my party. Yes there was some leftover beer because of this liquor. Oh and let me just say, this stuff is amazing. No chaser even for the weakest, like me. 

  Smirnoff iced cake vodka. Mmmm!

My anxiety and bipolar have been all over the place lately. I think I’m getting stir crazy not working.

 Aiiiight hopefully I won’t be here too much longer! It’s 80 outside and I wanna go playyyyy!!!!

  

Wacky World

I don’t really have anything to post about but considering I’m a little dazed, have ADHD, love to talk and type fast there will be a blog post somewhere.

SOOOOOOOO okay, I’m having construction done on my house and I have to use the last of my savings to put my current rent that’s due tomorrow in escrow until the house passes inspection on April 27. So I’ll have to buy myself sometime with that. I’m thinking I didn’t get the job I went after but I’m okay with it because it would require a lot of travel and I don’t know if it’s really what I wanted to do anyway. I can still collect my unemployment and waitress in the mean time while I look for something else. Which is what I think I’m going to do.

Also, today is opening day for the Detroit Tigers and I wish I was downtown because it’s like a fucking party. Even if you’re not at the game, its a fucking party all over downtown today! UGH so much fun! I should take a shower and just get all pretty with my D gear on. Ah, fuck it might as well. What else have I got to do? I’m going to… and watch the game. Create my own experience.

Tomorrow they’re doing some chemical treatments on the house and me and the pooch can’t be here. My mom agreed to work from home so that we would have somewhere to go. Maizy loves having me here. She wants to be around me all the time. It’s so cute. She is so presh. She’s cuddling in bed with me right now.

Eh well okay I’m going to take a shower and get my game day experience on. I should clean too but yeah, no. I’m going to apply for jobs as well. I don’t overwhelm myself and apply for everything. I apply for like 3-4 on each website a day, and keep a log of what I apply for so that when I get a call or email back, I can make sure it’s something I actually applied for and not some BS.

Blahhhhhhhh, I am toooooooooo lazy for anything right now……or lazy really isn’t the word but you know.

Update 3:41 PM TIGERS BEAT THE TWINS 4-0 ON OPENING DAY! TIGERS FTW!

Update 5:50 PM Okay I’m putting this out there. I’ve been waiting to hear back from someone I shouldn’t. It’s like you know you should stay away, but for some reason you can’t. You just go back for more. In two situations now that I think about it. Why do I always go after the wrong things? The wrong people? The wrong MEN. Mostly because I think my perspective of men is completely fucked up, and that is a whole other can of worms that we can even get into right now. I’m going to be around my friend right now because she needs a friend and I do too. I can’t sit around and wait for someone who I know is just going to hurt me.

Update 8:38 PM being around people helps. I got some grocery shopping done even though I feel like every dollar coming out of my pocket hurts me. Rawr. I need to put my energy elsewhere I guess. 

Oh Monday. We meet again.

There’s just something about Monday’s I hate. I know I’m not the only one. There’s a reason The Bangles sang, “Manic Monday” because well, it’s always a fucking hot mess and they suck. I got a bunch of totally awesome Monday pics.

I had to start off with that one because my bestie text this this morning about how much coffee she was going to need this morning. I did too, but because I didn’t sleep at my house, or have time to make any, I settled for Kool Aid until I got to work and got my hands on the unlimited supply of free coffee & tea. (Every flavor and strength too!)

Since all I do is bullshit with peeps on the phone, I really wanted to say this meme/phrase but I couldn’t. Damnit.

Honestly now that my seat at work has been moved at work it’s been great
My motivation has been through the roof since I’m not surrounded by people who want to bring me down and who think they can boss me around and tell me how to live my life. The one time I say NO, I can’t be your “friend.” Im now a piece of trash.

Rise above. That’s the only way I can survive. Rise above. Get over yourself.

Anyway, that’s enough of that. I’m over Monday.

Oh and last, but most certainly not least THANK YOU for supporting my blog! I know it’s new and I’m just starting to launch this, but you all have been very encouraging a supportive and I appreciate the reads, the likes, the follows, or however WordPress does it! Thank you! You’re amazing!!!!