It’s almost September!!

Where has the summer gone? I’m glad I got a job in mid June so that I didn’t have to sit around all summer. However it would’ve been nice to be unemployed and laying out in the pool all day. 

I was going back reading some of my old posts from last summer. It’s like I remember everything. Although I was constantly on drugs, my life was a mess, my love life was a mess. I’m glad I have simplicity in my life right now. I have work, friends, family. That’s all I need right now. Oh and of course my dog! 

Yes! I still have my dog. She adjusted very well last fall to her new home. She loves having a back yard to play in! It was very hard to leave her for a month when I went a away last year. Everyone in rehab had pics of their kids and I had some of “my baby” AKA my giant dog. I’ve found so much comfort in her. It’s impossible to have a bad day when you have someone that looks at you and loves on you. I had a bad day yesterday and when I came home to see her sweet face, I left all the bullshit at the door. 

Such a lady. 

Some other good news! My sisters wedding is just a little over a month away. She’s getting married October 8. They’re flying in from Arizona and getting married in Michigan. There will be a lot of out of towners coming in. I am of course the maid of honor. My sister wrote me in rehab and said she was very close to kicking me out of her wedding because I was on drugs. When they came in town, I was busy babysitting evil that I didn’t even spend any time with her. So she was really disappointed in me. 

I’m glad she didn’t have to do that because I’m really looking forward to being her maid of honor. I’ve never been in a wedding before, let alone someone’s maid of honor. They did a bachelorette party in Vegas in which I did not attend. I know my sis just wanted to have a good time and not worry if I was comfortable or not. So I decided to opt out. But boy do I miss Vegas. Plus I wouldn’t want to go with my sis anyway. The only way I’d go back is with some of my good girlfriends. 

Everything at my job is going well. It’s been a slow sales month, so I’m nowhere near the number of cars I sold last month. People just aren’t buying. I have a lot of follow ups in the next couple of months. As I mentioned I had a bad day yesterday. I didn’t have any leads (no one new to call) and I was getting upset with my boss for calling me out on it. He kept saying you really called all those people? Like do you think in lying? Then my boss added me on Facebook. Still trying to decide if this was a good or bad idea. 

He’s pretty cool, a couple years younger than I am. He tries to act like a bad ass at work and give me a hard time. However he does tell me what a great job I do pretty frequently and I like hearing it. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt passionate about work. My last couple of jobs were POINTLESS. So I started making up excuses and missing work frequently. With this job I don’t do that. I leave early sometimes (with permission) when my family has been in town and stuff. 

Now as far as my addiction goes, I would be lying if I said I was 100% clean. I still smoke pot, which I didn’t at first. But it’s not harming me. It’s helping me. Whenever I get stressed or anxious, I smoke. That’s way better than snorting a bunch of pills. I still take pills every once in a while. Lately I haven’t been able to tolerate them and they make me sick. So I’ve chilled out on them. But I figure if I do shit every once in a while, know my limits, and tell my friends what I’m doing so they can keep tabs on me, then I see nothing wrong. I’ve changed A LOT. I know once an addict, always an addict. But I believe a lot of my addict behavior comes out when I don’t take my bipolar Meds and I start doing reckless thing and behaviors. 

I’m really stable on my Meds now. I make sure to take them everyday. I was put back on adderall a few months ago. It really makes a difference. Sometimes I just can’t get out of bed in the morning, or be motivated to do any work. It helps me stay on task at work for the most part. I mean my first full month I had a huge sales month so it’s safe to say I’m very productive. This versus the old me who wouldn’t even get out of bed for a job interview. I got calls all the time but I never went. It’s like I knew they wouldn’t be the right job for me. If I don’t like something in doing I’m definitely not going to take it, or even try. 

I feel like I’m in the right position for me. I’m such a sales whiz. My brother in law always says I could sell a coloring book to Stevie wonder. 

Also I’d like to give some kudos to my bestie. She is making a great move next weekend into her own house. I am very proud of her and all her accomplishments. I know it’ll be tight with money, but I’m always down to hang out at someone’s house versus going out. She has come very far since I’ve known her. Lived in a couple different places, but I know this is something she has been searching for fo a long time and I’m very proud of her. Also, I’d like to add I’m not posting this because she reads it. I’m posting this because my blog reflects what I’m thinking and feeling. I haven’t gotten much of a chance to tell her how I feel in this sense. IM VERY PROUD OF YOU MOMMA!!! GET YOUR HAPPINESS ON! I’m going to help her move next weekend, and although I’m a weakling that can’t lift much, I’ll help as much as I can. I think that’s really all that matters is that I’m there for support and help. Moving is stressful. I should know because I’ve done it a couple of times in the last few years. The last thing I want is for it to be super overwhelming. I’ll be there to destress her. 

My other bestie is going through a rough time right now. She recently sold her house and all her belongings in an effort to start over. She was staying with her parents who made things very hard for her. However she’s back there now. I worry about her because her parents will fly off the handle at any second and start picking on her for the smallest shit. 

I’m glad I somewhat have my shit together so I can be a good supportive friend. My friends have been with me through some of my hardest times. All i can do is be there for them right now and show them my worth as a friend. It feels good to not have my head all foggy with drugs. Also, not to miss out on things just because I was high. I couldn’t even tell you the reason I missed my best friends birthday last year. No clue. I’m sure she does, but I was absent for something really important. I’m trying to be accountable for things now. Show up when I’m supposed to, do what I’m supposed to, and in general just bring reliable. I haven’t been reliable in a long ass time. 

Also, I have a court date for tomorrow morning. I made an improper turn and got a ticket. So I’m taking it to court to see if I can get the points reduced. I’m super fucking nervous. I had to do this in the fall and they ended up calling me in a small room to offer me a plea, which I paid off the same day. I know what I did was wrong, and I’m not saying I didn’t do it. All I’m asking for is to have the points reduced. I’ll even pay more money! The money is not the issue. I mean it is, but I have a job so I’ll be able to pay it. But my insurance is already super high because of an accident I had 2 years ago. That’s not coming off my record until next year. I knew as soon as I made the turn I was going to get in trouble. Of course I did. I need some positive vibes!

Well I have about a half hour till I have to get ready for work. Think I’ll just watch some tv until I have to actually do it. Thank you all for reading! Thanks for sticking around during my hiatus. I hope to be posting a lot more. Happy hump day!! Hope everyone is having a good week! Till we meet again! Xoxo

Selfie post

Hopefully I’ll have some good news to post soon. But until then here’s some photos from today! 

  
  
  
  
  
 
  

Quick update

I just got the WordPress app working on my iPhone. What I wanted to say is I’ve been thinking a lot today about how I’ve alwayssss wanted a dog. I was never allowed to have one because my dad wouldn’t let me. But when I moved out last year, she’s the first thing I got. We’ve grown close over the past year. I’ve gotten to know her personality more, but I’ve also noticed why they call them mans best friend. LOYALTY. This dog is so loyal to me. So, I’m sure a lot of you have children, but my dog is my child. I always knew I never really wanted kids, turns out all I wanted was a dog. I’d be a horrible mother, but I’m a great dog mom. I say I’d be a bad mom because there’s a huge chance if I had a kid, they could end up like me. That’s one thing I don’t want to put someone through. Mental illnesses and addiction. Noooo way. I may never get married. But your animals are loyal and loving whether your single or not, if you have a mental illness or addiction. She can totally sense when I’m having a bad day, if I’m in pain, sick, going crazy. 

  
Don’t you just want to squish that face? I love having this app on my phone because I can blog a lot more often. On the go, more day to day adventures. I don’t have a job right now (will explain later, maybe) so there’s lots of time for cuddles, kisses and job hunting! 

  
I’ve applied for tons of jobs. All different types. I hope that by applying now, most companies are waiting until the beginning of the year to hire. So hello, happy new year, give me a new job! 

I am so excited to put this year behind me. I have wasted so much time and money being unhappy this year. I need to get my mojo back. And by mojo I mean my happiness. This, my happy place. I used to be so good at tuning out the bullshit and going inside my own space that I was just happy in. My little bubble. Was it all the drugs though? Guess I’ll have to find out by trying to get back my little happiness bubble. 

  

Happy Birthday Maizy!

It was Maizy’s 5th birthday yesterday! We celebrated early in the morning with treats and her first present.

I had to go to work for a little bit, until that shit got called of. Then we took Maizy in for some doggie spa treatments.

The paint job is a little wack on her toes. but I don’t even know they got as good as they did. Maizy also got a new collar and matching leash and some treats. The rest of the stuff I got was for Christmas!

Then I came home and ordered my sister’s fiance his present. He really wanted Cards Against Humanities so I got it for him. FUCKING LOVE THAT GAME. Then I also got my BFF a sweet as present. They didn’t have the thing I wanted, but I came up with a substitute that I hope is just as awesome.

I haven’t heard from evil since Wednesday night. I have no way to contact him, only just through his family. I mean, they’re busy living their lives too. So sometimes I feel like I’m just getting in the way of things. He really needs a new nickname. Okay, so from here on out, evil will now be known asssssssss…………this is going to take some time.

I wanted to bring up and an interesting factor. When I was about 2 years sober before that’s when I felt “ready” to smoke week. I know this doesn’t sound right no matter how you say it. But I do know a lot of successful people in recovery that smoke. Here’s why I’m asking. I take all non-narcotic medications. So everything that I take for anxiety is non-habit forming non-addictive. But there are sometimes that I’m just overwhelmed with stressed. Bad feelings, about people, places, things. I can’t shake it. I had a conversation with evil in which we both agreed taking Xanax is like a bandaid for you anxiety. It will fix it temporarily, but it’ll still come back. However for me, my problems never came back.

Well, technically they did, but I was so addicted to the drug, I chose to live in my own safe place where nothing could bother me. If I felt stress, or the pressures of REAL LIFE, poof, take another and the problems are solved. Then once you run out, or you don’t have any more, and you are on the hunt for more, you realize all the things you ignored. Making you somewhat want to fix it, but the chase for that drug outweighs everything, so you keep chasing.

What I’m trying to get at here is that I know that eventually I’ll start smoking weed again. It’s not like I can’t. TO ME IT IS NOT A DRUG. I’d like to do it the legal way. (But I don’t have the money for that right now) However, I don’t see what the big deal is avoiding major stressors before or after they come by smoking a little bit of pot every once and a while? I don’t think I’ll become a huge stoner, and start buying all kinds of pipes, buy in large quantities, anything like that.

Just thinking, not acting.

So anyway, I have to so see this tax bitch who has to fix the mistake they made on my fucking taxes because the IRS says I owe $245. SUCK MY (fill in body part here) I’ve been up since 5… now it’s almost 8. Yeeeeeeeah at some point I’m going to crash and burn.

Rant of frustration

My roommate spends most of her time with her boyfriend who lives two houses away. Yesterday she happened to be home and realized there’s no toilet paper in the house. I took her to the store and got get shut for the house. All I wanted for myself were these Popsicles. Her kids ate them all and said mom is going to pay you back. She throws it up in my face that I ate two things of hers. Perhaps I should take back all the pop I bought that she’s been drinking, the coffee and toilet paper too. I said dont worry, I’ll go back and replace more items for your home. 

I can’t move home with my dad unless I get rid of maizy. Not happening. So I’m stuck here. Every night she sleeps at her mans house and locks get two cats in my living area (the basement) where they torture my dog, claw my furniture and I have to sleep with my door closed bc they come in my room in the night and knock shit over or attack me. Not to mention their litter box is in my bathroom, she never cleans it, they shit all over the floor. She keep saying she will move it but she never does. Her AC is broken, washer is broken, but since she can just go to her man’s house it doesn’t bother her. The first week I moved in the power got shut off bc she owed so much on it. Now it’s in my name and she hasn’t paid on it. I had to pay my portion and her portion of our Internet bill, but still give her $20 for rent. But she didn’t pay the DTE bill. 

The reason I wanted to move is because this is my best friend of 25 years and I don’t want living together to ruin our friendship. She wants me to pay for a pair of underwear my dog chewed through but seems to forget her cat chewed through a pair of $300 coach shoes she borrowed. That’s another thing. She keeps borrowing my stuff and not returning it, but keeps wearing it instead. Half of the time when I borrow something, I give it back dirty otherwise they’ll never get it back. She has some of my favorite  leggings and I’m very over protective of them because they’re unique. 

It’s hard for us to sit down and talk this out because she’s never here! 

Today I’m going for over to evils house. I’m going with his parents to take to a psychiatric hospital to get assessed to see if they’ll take him or not. I found the hospital and it’s one of the best in the country. Then after that he’s entering a long term inpatient drug treatment program  . So he will be off getting better for a while. This will give me a chance credit to go into my new job with a clear head and focus. 

I’ve been practicing my conservative makeup look since that’s what they want at this job. I’m chain smoking and slamming down coffee like it’s my job God damn. I have to get in the shower but there’s about 5 little kids sleeping in my living room in giant tents so this is going to be fun. 

Before I go, here’s a pic of Maizy in the morning since she can’t have coffee. Maybe I’ll give her a treat. 

   
 

Dogs are comforting

I still haven’t gotten around to post on life. However evil has been really depressed so I stayed the weekend at his house since his parents were gone. I brought my dog with me. Let me say this. He doesn’t like animals but loves my dog. So I knew me showing up with her was a winning combo. He started to feel better. Here’s a pic of them running together. It melts my heart. I’m glad I was able to make him feel better. It makes me feel good knowing I have that ability to care about someone who cares that much back. 

  

Blue sky action

I took full advantage of this beautiful day! I was such a bum yesterday and literally slept the entire day. I think I had some kind of bug or something. Needless to say it’s gone! I feel FANTASTIC today. My dog woke me up around 8 AM, probably because I never let her out last night. I got ready and jazzed up and make some phone calls. THEN here’s the fantastic part. I went to my old work to meet up with my friend and they had a pizza party for lunch, and she brought me some pizza! Haha take that fucktards! I’m hijacking your pizza party even after you fire my ass. Mwuahahahahaha. I also had it out with my HR department for never getting back to me about my paycheck, despite telling me yesterday she would. I called her, emailed her, then I finally said fuck it and called the main headquarters. Sure enough after I talked with them I got an email from her. I have clearly said to her that I just want to be done with the company already, and basically hurry the fuck up so I can go away forever.

I also heard some shady shit that’s going on at work. (No surprise) But my name is STILL coming up. Are you kidding? I mean come the fuck on. It flatters me that people give that many fucks about me, and that they keep bringing my name up this long after I leave. Get over yourselves.

Anyway, after I met up with my friend she decided it was way too nice outside to go back to work. (and my old boss knew she was meeting up with me…. what a bad influence) We hit up Walmart and I did enough grocery shopping for me & Maizy both that should last us a couple of weeks. My friend and I also decided to put on dresses. I mean shit it’s perfect dress weather!

Oh also I finally got my new front door and screen door! Yay! Ask, believe, and you shall receive. I swear when the sun is out, nothing bad can happen. I definitely think I had some seasonal depression, but you would too if you had Michigan weather. Spring tortures us with like one super nice day early on, then it gets cold as fuck for a few more weeks, then maybe another nice day here or there. We say if you don’t like the weather, just wait 5 minutes. It’s true, so when we get these nice days I really enjoy them.

The image of the song that I posted is one of my “happy songs” and today it was fitting. It was nice to have my sun roof open, blasting this song, hair waving all over the place, no fucks given at all. My “happy songs” are songs that I can listen to and they will instantly put me in a good mood. I have attached the video for your listening enjoyment. It’s house music, so it might not be your taste, but my taste is everything. You really should listen to it despite it not being your taste!

My mom also adopted a new dog today! She’s so fucking cute. Her name currently is Dot but they are working on another name. Here’s some pics of her! The other dog in the pic is my mom’s other dog Mr. Big. She wants to name this dog Carrie (from Sex and the City, Carrie and Mr. Big, so cute…anyway) but her boyfriend doesn’t want to. But they would be soooooooooo cute as Carrie & Mr. Big! (You can also catch a glimpse of my FAVORITE sandals in the first picture, courtesy of Victoria’s Secret from like 94850283509 years ago)

Okay, well I wanted to update before I pop back over to my friends house. I really just feel like changing out of this dress and putting on my jammy’s but I guess I can show face for a little bit longer. I am already in this cute dress, and BONUS my friend’s sister pulled up and had a bunch of earrings, and gave me this pair because they match my dress! I just WON AT LIFE TODAY!!!I Okay, time to jet. I’m getting a new bathtub tomorrow! Yahoo!!!!!!!

Also thank you again to everyone who reads my blog. I do this as a therapy tool for myself, but it’s awesome that other people read it. I just want to raise awareness to the mental illness community and show that it’s not something we should hide or be ashamed of. This is who we are, and we deal with it. Sometimes I am bat shit fucking crazy, but most of the time I’m just misunderstood. As Madonna said, “This is who I am, you can like it or not. You can love me, or leave me, but I’m never gonna stop, no no.”

When you don’t know your next move….

I’m literally backed into a corner right now and fucked in every way possible. I don’t know where my next dollar is coming from. But since this is my happy place, and I try to maintain peace and happiness, I decided when you don’t know what your next move is, hug your pet and watch your ultimate favorite TV show that makes you laugh and the episodes never get old.

See examples below:

I have a lot of fucked up shit to deal with tomorrow that requires me to run all over this town, and a couple others. Money, my father, home repair, leaving the home, what the shit. Who cares, drowning it out with happiness.

Lazy Sunday

Spending Sunday with my mom and our dogs trying to gather my thoughts and gear up for this week. I have to deal with reality tomorrow, and work. Oh work. I blew it off last week. So, it’s time to refocus. I just wanted to post this pic.

 

(My dog Maizy on the left, moms dog Mr. Big on the right)

So yeah, Sunday’s are usually my zen day. I’m so stressed over money right now. I have $15 to my name. I wonder how this is going to work out this week. As Tim Gunn would say….

Deep breaths. You got this.

I’m starting to feel anxiety over this week. Especially tomorrow. I’m getting my stuff back, but I don’t know what condition it’s in. I didn’t even think about that. Now comes the panic and the worry. I have no one here to try and talk me out of it. So, here goes my mind. But, no. Stop. It’ll be okay. You’ll figure this out. You’re figuring it out as you go and you’re doing okay, and you’ll continue to do okay. Just don’t fall completely apart. I’m so close to it, I feel like at any minute I’m about to shatter in a million little pieces. But I can’t and I won’t. I’m going to talk myself through and out of it.

Breathe.

PS – How can I be sad when I have this? I love my dog.