It’s November!

I can’t believe it’s November. I’ve been through so many changes this year. Right around this time last year is when I was getting ready to move into my new place. My dad had kicked me out of his house and for the month of October I was staying at my friends house. Then I had finally found a place to move to, and had gotten the money and means to move there. Right now I’m feeling a little down on myself because I was so happy to be moving out on my own, have my own place and do whatever I want. When I had my own place, it’s like I was barely at home. When I wasn’t at work, I was always busy doing something else. This also marks one year since I got my precious dog. I love her so much and I’m glad she and I are finally in a safe place.

I know my addiction has effected her to an extent. She wasn’t taken care of the way she deserved. But now she is, and I’m glad I can give that to her. I constantly worried about the care she received when she stayed with my friend and I wasn’t there. My friend treats her cats like shit, so I could only imagine how she would treat my dog. (as she mentioned she hates dogs) I would find her locked up in my small ass little bedroom with her food dish completely filled. So she obviously wasn’t checking on her, she just gave her as much food as possible. Usually it was only for a night or two, but still. She does the same things to her cats. I had to share a bathroom with them in the basement. I was the one who cleaned out that litter box most nights because if I didn’t, she wasn’t going to. It was absolutely disgusting. The day that we moved I was going to use the bathroom down there until I saw the condition of it. It looked like she can’t cleaned it out in about 3 weeks. I could’ve barfed. Why even have animals if you aren’t going to take care of them? Oh I know why, because they’re not your first priority, your addiction is.

It upsets me that within a week, she’s completely forgotten all the conversations she’s had with me. I know she’s not serious about treatment. I’m heartbroken. For her to tell me I’m the only person she trusts, but she obviously doesn’t trust me that much. I feel like I might as well be the dirt on the bottom of her shoe. I’m just getting in the way of all her lies. So, just cut me out. She already deleted me off of her Facebook again. She obviously doesn’t want me to know what’s going on in her life. Probably because all the bullshit she gave me over the phone about not changing, was just a story. I read right through the bullshit anyway. I’m no use to her as a friend, as a resource, of anything until she finally admits all of her problems. You never want to see someone fall apart before you get the chance to help them, but she came for me to help and hasn’t said anything since. So, I don’t know what to make of it. Was she high at the time? Was it just for attention? I can’t believe anything a drug addict says.

Enough of that…. tomorrow I start my new job!

This week I’ll be training on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. Not too bad. There are a couple of different clients and different programs we all will be trained on and they want to see which one we respond best to in order to see which one we will be working on. Little do they know I’m a fucking whiz at all this shit so I should have no problems, and could probably be cross-trained on all the programs by the end of day 3 like a fucking BOSS BITCH.

I sent some letters to a couple of the girls in the treatment center on Thursday morning, hopefully they will be getting them today. It was before I found out that I got my job and stuff, so they’re a little outdated. But hopefully they’ll write back and I can give them some good news. I feel bad because I didn’t write them ALL back. But it’s hard to keep up with who is there, who left, that kind of stuff. So the two girls I did write I am almost positive they’re still there. I know when I got letters it always lifted my spirit, so I hope it does the same for them. Plus I dumped a bunch of glitter in their letters, just like I said I would. Then I had to tape the shit out of the envelopes so it wouldn’t leak. hehehe.

 A little bit about my break up…okay, so Good really is a great guy. He’s honest, sweet, caring. You know, all those things that I wanted in a guy since I typically date the losers who just use me. I was writing him everyday in treatment about how much I cared about him, how much I loved him, all of that. But then, I got out of treatment, and it’s like something changed. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like a switch inside me flipped. My mom calls it the real world but I’m serious. I really don’t know what happened. I wanted to tell him right then and there when I first saw him that I felt differently, but I could tell he missed me so much, and had been waiting for that moment for a really long time, so I didn’t say anything. Then he helped me moved, and stayed over at the house for the weekend, so I still didn’t say anything then. He kept telling me things like I’m the only thing that makes him happy. I felt so much pressure from that. I felt pressure to keep our relationship together because if I want to see him, I have to make the 20 minute drive to go get him, then the 20 minute drive to drop him back off. He doesn’t have a car. I just got out of treatment, and I already landed myself a job.

He told me MONTHS ago that if he didn’t have a job by a specific date then he was going to start working with his brother. That date came and went 4 months ago, and he’s sat around and got nothing done. I’m resenting him for doing nothing with his life. All the mean while I go to treatment, I get out, get my life back on track, go out get a job, and now I’m about to start that job…..and you did what exactly? I can’t be his girlfriend and his care taker and tell him what to do, and how to get his life in order. Granted, he is younger than me, so if he wants to fuck around and do nothing with his life right now, he’s perfectly entitled to do that. But I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to man up and start earning so they can get out of the misery they complain about all the fucking time. I just could see myself resenting him because I’m moving forward with my life, and he’s standing still. Eventually that resentment would’ve turn into hate. I don’t want to hate him because he’s one of the sweetest guys I know. It absolutely killed him when I broke up with him. It’s something that I’ve been putting off for a while. But then I realize I’m sacrificing someone elses feelings for my own, and that’s not healthy.

So here I am, and there he is. He doesn’t have a phone, car, job, nothing. I can’t wrap my mind around that at all. He keeps on getting less and less as I continue to rise and gain more and more. It’s almost like he sits around and waits for things to happen. Much like my friend and her “trying to go to rehab” thing. They’re sitting around waiting for some great moment of clarity where everything will finally all make sense for them to do what they need to do.

LIFE DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY. THERE IS NEVER A PERFECT MOMENT. YOU HAVE TO CREATE IT. GET UP AND DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM LIVING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. YOU WON’T REGRET IT LATER. YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT MOMENT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

My Struggles.

So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.

I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!

 I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.

(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)

You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.

Before:

After:

Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.

Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.

It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.

I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.

I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!

I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.

WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo