emotions – welcome to my happy place

Feeling Feelings

I have been feeling feelings for evil today. I heard the song “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey and it just made me think of him. It’s weird because I heard the song this morning before I went to work, then when I came home from work the letter I wrote him in treatment came back today (almost a month later) return to sender. I guess I had the address wrong. I was going off memory and I always GPS’ed the address, so I wasn’t sure if it was even correct. Here’s the song, and the lyrics.

“Blue jeans, white shirt
Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn
It was like, James Dean, for sure
You’re so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer
You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop
But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know
That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time

Big dreams, gangster
Said you had to leave to start your life over
I was like, “No please, stay here,
We don’t need no money we can make it all work, ”
But he headed out on Sunday, said he’d come on Monday
I stayed up waitin’, anticipatin’, and pacin’
But he was chasing paper
“Caught up in the game” ‒ that was the last I heard

You went out every night
And baby that’s alright
I told you that no matter what you did I’d be by your side
Cause Imma ride or die
Whether you fail or fly
Well shit at least you tried.
But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more, but that’s not what I had in mind
I just want it like before
We were dancing all night
Then they took you away, stole you out of my life
You just need to remember….

It just really hits me. He really hits me. I don’t like to think about him, about us. Because whenever I do I get really sad, confused, I don’t know what to do, what to think. There is nothing to think about right now because we are in two completely different places. I went through treatment and I’m out living my life. He’s in treatment, not by choice but court ordered for 6 months. So where does that leave us? There was so much left unsaid. It hurts. I hate feeling these feelings. That’s what sobriety is about. Feeling all the feelings that you covered up in your active addiction. They come out, and boy are they fucking STRONG.

I know there’s nothing I can do about it, which I guess that’s a good thing. I know that if I could act on these feelings, it might not necessarily be a good thing. I guess that’s why it’s good to have distractions for now. I broke up with good for a reason. It wasn’t fair to string him along, especially since he is such a sweet guy, and he deserves better, which isn’t me. I’m not quite sure what I want right now, but I know he isn’t it. I know that I had a lot of intense feelings for him while I was in treatment, but as soon as I left and saw him again, the feelings just weren’t there. Plus I’ve already cheated on him. The day after we broke up I hooked up with someone else. I obviously have no soul. My heart is clearly elsewhere. Until I get that back, maybe I am just better with distractions.

But I guess if I truly loved evil too I wouldn’t be seeking distractions either? I can’t be sure things will ever work between us. I can’t just cut myself off completely from dating and sex when I don’t even know if we’ll ever work, if he’ll ever change. He hasn’t yet. I don’t know if he’s capable, if he wants to. He hasn’t yet. He’s not even in treatment because he wants to be, he’s there because he has to be. I went because I wanted to get better. That’s the difference between us. Could it ever work? Could I ever trust him because of that? The trust has never been there completely before. That’s the thing about sober relationships, is that you can’t do someone elses recovery for them. But I’m the kind of person who will always want to. I was once told when you start trying to do someone elses recovery for them is when you start losing focus on your own, and that’s when you are most likely to fuck up. So essentially I’m asking for a disaster either way. I know I should avoid him at all costs, everyone tells me so, all the signs tell me to, but my heart says something else.

I’m obviously not going to do anything about this. I just got really emotional when I heard that song. My heart skipped a beat, then almost stopped for a minute. I literally stopped getting ready this morning and listened to it twice. I was stopped dead in my tracks, I couldn’t move. I just became so overwhelmed. It’s like, you don’t think about something for so long because you shove it so deep inside that eventually it just explodes.

I just need to keep my schedule filled with hotties. Line them up, so that by the time that evil gets out of rehab I’m all like what, who are you? Look how good I look, and I’m so busy with all my male friends, and I’m not a slut I’m just “sexually popular.” (It’s a thing now. I just made it up but it’s a thing, it’s not slutty, it’s trendy.)

Tomorrow should be a good day. I’m going to attempt to sleep in tomorrow. Then I’m going to go shopping with my mom. I want to hit up my favorite store in Ann Arbor to get me some new leggings! I used to hate leggings, and said they aren’t pants. However, I now see that if you have the appropriate body to wear them, they can be worn as pants. I guess I opposed to them because I couldn’t wear them. When I got my first pair I asked like 29350802358 people if I looked okay wearing them because I was still in the process of losing weight and wasn’t sure if I could pull the look off. However all 89275928359028 people reassured me that I could. (I convinced myself that the gold metallic leggings I was about to purchase at the time would never come in handy however, nor did not look right no matter how fucked up I got, so I decided against it at the last minute) Then I want to try and hit up Kohl’s to score a few pair of jeans.Then my boo boo wants to have a Cards Against Humanity night at her house. I’m alwaysssss down to play that game, always a good time with that crowd. Should be a good time.

So now I’m going to try and stop feeling feelings. My ex is messaging me on facebook telling me he misses me, loves me, all that. I have a couple other guys texting me dirty messages. (Not that I mind, but I’m not in the mood to entertain this tonight) Can someone just put a pause on feelings for tonight?

Life changes, changing life

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s going to happen with this move. Living here and meeting the people I’ve met has been a great experience for me. I was thrown out on my ass with no place to go. I was taken in by a good friend of mine who helped me find the place I’m being evicted from. Sure, it’s not the greatest place or somewhere I ever imagined myself living, but it taught me a very important lesson. It showed me that instead of crying and whining about shit, just pick yourself up off the floor and do something about it.

I’ve never denied to anyone that’s called me out that I’m spoiled. So my entire life someone has always cleaned up my messes. But this time it was different. No one wanted me. I realize now that I would’ve done the same thing if I was them. I had to learn that at some point in my life I have to grow up and figure shit out on my own.

I’m so grateful for my best friend for letting me live with her. I feel like it will be really good for the both of us. She’s been through so, so, so, SO much and she definitely deserves a break. I feel like I can be that break for her. Right now I’m unemployed but I plan on paying her what I can for rent and bills, I’m hustling in so many ways for a job and money. I love her kids like they are my own so she also just got in a built in baby sitter. No more struggling with all the kids to run simple errands any more boo! 😉

If I could EVER have a roommate, it’d be her. She’s said the same thing. We just don’t like people. LOL I’m am hopeful for the future and know this will be a great experience for the both of us. We have been through hell and back over the past 25 years, so this just kind of makes sense. No joke I am literally crying as I type this right now. That’s how strongly I feel about this.

Anyway, my dad works for Ford and told me there might be an opportunity for me to get in and work there as well. It would start off as a temporary position, but could lead to full time. It’s also a UNION job which I fucking support the union 90t8w 985 3028%. They have been great to my dad who found this job way too late in life, but found it after he divorced my mother so all this money is 100% his and I’m very happy for him. No offense to my mom or anything, she’s my best friend, but she was always very controlling with their money because she made it known she made more. I jokingly call her my personal shopper now but she’s not taking money away from anyone (like my dad). she actually just came over here and dropped off a couple of dresses.

My mom also got me these Hello Kitty candies that I’m about to smash. I am sick AGAIN so candy will definitely make me feel better. Right? Right!

In other news, I talked to the prosecutor about the case involving my car. He is sending me a letter that I will take to the Secretary of State that allows me to get a REAL LICENSE PLATE BACK ON MY CAR. I have had a paper plate in my back window since this incident happened which was mid March. It’s annoying as fuck because they can pull me over at any time. Also, when it rains they can’t see it. But yayyyyyy! I’m finally getting my plate back. The ONLY thing I’m a little upset about is that I’ve had the same plate number since I got my first car and I won’t have that one anymore. 😦 I’m thinking positively though because something bad has happened with every single one of my cars. So maybe the plate number was a bad omen? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I have to find a job. Unemployment and prostitution is great. Um what? haha Just making sure you’re still with me there. No but seriously, this is boring. I know I will regret that when it’s like 80 degrees outside and I could just sit around and get tan all day long and get paid for it. Buttttttt I like working. I’ve worked since I was 14, so that’s over half my life! My “friend” recently got a job so he’s never around to hang out with either. My bipolar has recently been keeping me down and not wanting to look for jobs, so I can’t find anything if I’m not looking. After I post this blog I’m going to get back on track. I already have the tabs open and ready to go. Plus I’m waiting to hear back from my dad about where to apply at his work. Cha ching $$$ I also have to start organizing my stuff and start packing it up soon. I’ve decided I’m going to move my stuff at night so they don’t know what’s up. I’m a shady bitch like that. Fuck you and this piece of shit. Ahhhh, I love swearing.

Also for extra motivation I have the House station on Pandora blasting through these subs with the bass going. Who gives a fuck if I piss these neighbors off, right?? RIGHT!

(click on image to make larger because these songs are stellarrrrrr)

Alright that’s it for me today. I’m going to rest and drink a lot of water and try to fight this thing. I have a good combo of over the counter meds I can take that will kick this things ass. A doctor I used to work for told me about it because I didn’t have insurance for a while so he always helped me out. Till we meet again….

Sunday clarity

I woke up with a clear head this morning of what I need to do in order to move on with my life. Just simple, move on. Put the past in the past, life is a gift, which is why it’s called the present. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s so true. I am tired of being hurt, then feeling sorry for myself. It’s just time to pick up and move the fuck on. I have to have faith that in the end this thing called KARMA will catch up to those that deserve it.

I’m smart, pretty, fun, with a good sense of humor, and I will always be ME. I have been feeling a lot more confident with myself, and my weight loss too, and I should embrace that. I shouldn’t feel like shit over something that happened in the past, and how totally fucked up and wrong it was on the other persons part. I need to stop trying to get into the other persons head. I’ll drive myself crazy trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. They’re just wrong. I can’t justify something wrong into something right in my head.

I’m not the same person I was even a year ago. I was still really depressed over my weight gain, I didn’t feel pretty or confident. I didn’t want to go out or be seen, I didn’t want to go shopping to do anything to make myself seem attractive because I didn’t feel like it at all. Now I feel totally different, and I should celebrate my looks, embrace my life.

That’s right! 17 more days until April 29 in which I will be turning 29 years old. My golden birthday! (Your golden birthday is supposed to be your lucky year, when you turn your age on your birthdate.) I just have a lot of change going on right now in my life and it’s hard. I need a new job, a ~~new man,~~ new men, money, and just to be happy and carefee again. People like me, you wouldn’t ever think it’s hard for someone like me to open up, because I am (obviously) a very open book, but I don’t like NEW. I knew that I did need a new job however because I did NOT like the way things were going at my old job, the people, the stupid everyday bullshit, the unfairness, the pure disgust I have for other employees. Yeah. I’m glad I’m out. Other than for financial reasons.

I want to scream, cry, laugh, hide, run, play, all these different emotions at once. Some parts of my life I am totally content with, and right now I don’t know how I’m getting food, or my next rent check, or any of the other numerous bills that are stacking up right now, however I am taking it one fucking day at a time.

Anything further than that is too much. Even talking about this right now is starting to make me a little panic-y. Next subject.

I haven’t done laundry in about 2 weeks so later on I’m going to mosey on over to my mom’s house and get that done. I don’t know what else we’ll get into while I’m there but it’s always a blast, even if it’s a lazy Sunday doing laundry hanging out with our dogs. I’m glad I have a good relationship with my mom. ❤ It’s good to remind myself of all the GOOD things I have going on right now. Positive mindset.

Also, tonight is the premiere of the 7th and FINAL season of Nurse Jackie! I am so excited it’s back! I went back and caught up on the entire show in anticipation for the final season. I can’t wait to see how they spin this.

Tune in tonight at 9 PM! If you don’t have Showtime they’re offering a free week this week. (At least for Comcast subscribers) Also, don’t I have the cutest dog ever???

Probably not the best, or worst.

Evey time something comes up with him, I get mad, then defensive, then I apologize so I’m still very much involved with my feelings as much as I don’t want to be. I just wish I knew what was going on in this persons mind, yet I look fucking crazy in the mean time with my back and forths, ups and downs. I just want to be cut free. I’m doing things that would make you think otherwise that i actually cared, maybe that’s my form of positive thinking? I don’t know. I just feel so fucking wrapped up in my thoughts, I thought the blog would help. I got like 2 hours of drunk sleep so I am probably just out of words at this point. So I will continue this later.

Update: 7:10 PM

My friend dragged me out of my misery for a BBQ at her house. I stayed in my jammies, but at least temporarily I am out of the house and out of my own thoughts.

I really want to message this off. But after the way out last convo ended I don’t think I will. I just feel so dumb over all of this.

Ugh, I fucking sent it.

Update 10:25 PM: even when you’ve made me a fool, I am in my happy place where nothing can touch me. I’m smart, pretty, fun, and not in a lot of trouble. I’m good.

Edit

Bring on the next. Oh wait….

And haha fuck you Siri

Update 12:48 AM Sunday:

Keep on keepin on 😎

I need to get in a happy place NOW

There is so much bad shit running through my mind right now. A lot of unknowns. I won’t get into specifics. But if what the unknown is what turns out to be what I think it is, then I’m going to be like *poof* pissed the fuck off. Aside from that, I’ll be extremely hurt, heartbroken, amongst another things. So, like I said, without being so specific here (because I really have absolutely no idea what really is happening at this point, contact unknown) I just really need to get my mind elsewhere. So, it’s here. Here it is. In my happy place. Here goes it. Here it goes.

Work this week. MIND FUCK. I think I mentioned this before, but I sit RIGHT NEXT TO MY BOSS. This is a huge problem for me. Mostly because I’m always somehow getting sales and numbers or whatever the fuck they want this month, but never at my desk. Hmmmmmmm…………..I just kinda float. So now that my boss can see me AT ALL TIMES, he can literally see me, at all fucking times. He keeps watch on me. He told me today I’m his project. Whenever he sees me talking to other people he shoos me away from them. I guess that’s good. I’m just trying to get someone to smoke a cig with me TO BE HONEST.

Then some other fuckery happened. A good, good, person got let go. Fuck this place. FUCK this place. UGH. I walk around with a target. Why am I not gone? I’m waiting for it. It’s my ammo for another gig. Ugh, I hate new jobs. I’m so fucking weird. I’m SO fucking weird. Whatever.

I’m really glad my dog is getting along with 1 of these 2 cats. The other went crazy and attacked me and the dog so it went to bed with my friends daughter who I am watching along with her house for the night. I had to bring my fur baby along too! She had so much fun in the car! Weeeee!

I took like 8225895828982023093owiotei (an estimate) pictures of her with her face out the window smiling! She looks so happy! Weeeeeeeeee Maizy!

Okay, so the thing that I don’t know about if it’s a thing I don’t know about. I’m just going to figure this whole shishkabob out in the morning. I’m totally stealing wifi from my friend who is actually stealing it from someone else. Hacker life.

Turn this frown upside down in a post? Let’s see. Ready. Set. BLOG!

Tonight’s blogging space. Super snazzy. I know.

Today has been just like what I would imagine building a house would be like, except but building a house full of anxiety, emotions, stress, anger, frustration, feeling overwhelmed, tired, and a whole bunch of other things. I’m trying to take on so much at once, and I’m clearly not “hustling” hard enough to do it. I have to pick up some kind of side gig or something because I am not preforming well enough for “the man.” (ha!)

What I should do is get another gig elsewhere, but I like what I do, and I get comfortable (even though I am clearly not comfortable at this current moment.) But why should I have to leave just because everything else is fucked? No, that’s not how shit works in my world. Unicorns have mother fucking horns so they can ram them into mother fuckers they don’t like. Science. Magical science. I’m trying to turn the WORST MOOD EVER into somewhat of the not worst mood ever. Something that is helping is that all my old playlists have been brought back in legacy mode. AH. Die. Music is like my life, life, life, life, life, life.

I lost my shit on pretty much everyone today. It was a combination platter of work + personal + financial + mental + physical + stress + WTF + ?>GS:LT#(T)OISF. I was never a good math student so I’d say that equals F. For what you say? Oh, that’s simple. My favorite word to describe or emphasize anything.

Yep. Even when I was in school, that was still the answer to all the math problems I didn’t know. Solve for X? Hey, I’ll solve for F. Oh wait, couldn’t find it. But I found U, C and K!!!!

Across the Universe by the Beatles just come on. This is why music inspires me. I can lose my own thoughts instead of crying or panic attacks or freaking the fuck out on people and instead listen to how other people thought at the time. My music library would impress anyone. I am a hippie, club kid, 80’s kid, classic rock and roll, classical music, house, jazz, blues, I mean, there’s literally nothing, nothing, I won’t listen to. I’ve played music, I’ve experienced the performance, I grew up listening to good music. (Thanks Mom!)

Sorry, side tracked… hehehehe

So anyway, there’s also this that’s positive. I put some on to shake me out of my negative nancy sassy bitch pants, as well as ate some Jell-o. (Even though I thought about Bill Cosby raping people. He ruined Jell-o. Bastard!)

Oh shit, my jam came on. “Pink” by Aerosmith. “As pink as the sheets as we lay on, cause pink is my favorite crayon.” My mom was actually just backstage at Aerosmith the other night in Las Vegas and her friend met Steven Tyler! I have been rocking to Aerosmith since the tender age of about 4. I used to tie bandanas around my toy microphone like he did and sing all of his songs. I had a poster on my little mermaid bedroom as a kid until my sister put a gum mustache on Steven’s face.

I am a little bummed to be spending Friday night alone. But, me? Around more people today?

I kind of figured today’s post would be a ~~little long.~~ Okay fuck that, I knew I was going to come on here tonight and blow this shit up tonight. I posted this earlier on my facebook, but I’ll say this here (since my identities are separate) but I really do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I’m about to start wearing mother fucking tank tops. Yeah, I get emotional and fucking crazy. Most don’t understand. I’m bipolar, I’m ADHD and I have anxiety, plus a whole bunch of other shit. When one thing sets me off, it’s like:

One thing stems into like t908582305820852014mlkg, (give or take a few) filled with highs, lows, getting distracted with the ADHD, anxious and panicky. I hate when people see it. They don’t get it. People who get it get it, but then others don’t.

I think I’ll end that there because this mac & cheese has been eye fucking the shit out of me for way too long. Plus I’m like super hungry – you know 🙂

My blog posted/playlist ended at Stevie Nicks, “Edge Of Seventeen” Yessssss