Today wrap up

I was sure if I should make a new post or update the other one. But I don’t think the email subscribers would be notified if I didn’t make a new post.

 I got all my things accomplished today. I woke up, had my morning chill time as I already posted about. I felt pretty high and hungry by the time I got to work. I had to meet my mother down the street to pick it up, and she didn’t have it secured in a bag or anything. I was super nervous to drive with it. 

But I made it to work successfully! Everyone raved about it, much like last time. Here’s the final product.

I had some mac & cheese, walleye, chicken, potatoes, green beans, and 2 pieces of my moms cheesecake. Everyone wants her to make some for different events. I really wish I knew how to cook. I do make really really cute cupcakes. I buy the cutest mix and frosting, then experiment with food coloring and make them pink and purple. Or sometimes red and green for Christmas. I need to start doing more of that. All these posts come up on my Facebook about my old tie dying business. For what little resources I had at the time, I did a pretty good job at networking and getting my stuff all over the world! (Yes, WORLD) I know I’m capable of great success. I was just in a really bad place last year and I’m glad I found a job I love. (I feel like I say that all the time) 

But when you have such a huge past, it’s hard to return to normal life. Like fitting in at a job, actually having the drive to go to work, and perform. When something is up to me how much extra money I make on commission, I grind hard. 

Speaking of commission, they might roll out something new. If you have a personal best that month, you get an extra 10% bonus. Also, if the team as a whole improves, you get another 10%. I hope this happens. I get at the first of the following month, but since they won’t have final numbers in time for our payday on the 2nd, we have to wait until the 9th. I’m a little bummed about this. It was a really slow month for us in our department. For example, last month I had 17 cars and thus month I think i only have like 11-12. A lot can happen the last few days of the month though. Those salesman work really hard (and late) to hit better numbers for the month. They’re also having a contest with if we sell enough of 2 different cars as a whole, everyone who sold those cars gets a bonus. Lots of opportunities to make money. That’s what I like. I could see myself being here for a while, and hopefully eventually moving up in the company. I feel like I’m on the right track and the possibilies are endless. 

It’s hard living with many mental disorders. People who live with them know what it’s like. Sometimes we just don’t feel “normal”. I have to take medication multiple times a day in order to do anything, or to be able to fall asleep. I hate it. I have these little rituals I have to do everyday in order to either worry about how much sleep I’m going to get in a night, and I have to take my Meds by a certain time, so I can’t go out when I have to work in the morning because it messes with my routine. It’s so stupid. Then in the morning I feel like I have to be awake like hanging out for a while so I can chill for a bit  while my morning Meds kick in.

I specifically don’t take my adderall everyday because some days I don’t feel like doing anything. However, I feel like I’d be a hell of a lot more motivated to get things together. Like I usually don’t take it Sunday’s. Even though I don’t usually leave the house, I should still be around the house doing things like laundry, or cleaning out my room. But instead I lay in bed all day and veg out on tv. I know that can’t be good. Like I can only get out of bed and do shit when I have it in me? It freaks me out that it has that much control over me. Although I wish I was naturally motivated and had big life goals I’m trying to accomplish. But I just settle with living in the now and staying away from drugs. 

I’m on a good path, I am excited what the future holds. That’s the first time I’ve honestly said that in a while. I truly think next year is going to be a great one for me. I just want to set some minor goals and work toward them. Like id like to be moved out. I’m barely affording shit right now. I could cut back, I know. But I’m not motivated to move just yet. I’ve been back almost a year. (October will be a year since I got out of rehab and moved back home) it worries me that if I live alone,’I’ll be left to my own vices again and it could go horribly wrong. It already did once, and there hasn’t been enough time to not go back to those behaviors. 

Also, happy national dog to my sweet rescue dog Maizy!

This is her at my friends house. I just finished get appointment when my friend called this afternoon. I was out in her neck of the woods so I popped over with the pooch. Her son loves my dog so it was really cute to see him and get together. I got my pups nails trimmed, she got her Meds for fleas, heart worm, ring worm, and hook worm. These sound disgusting which is why I want to prevent her from it. She got vaccinated today too. 

Last year she only got a 1 year rabies vaccine, however this year she got one that’s good for 3 years. She still has to get another shot in a couple more weeks. I had to spread them up because today’s visit already cost me $81. If I added the other thing on it would’ve been well over $100, easily. So I declined. They told me in January she’s due for a teeth cleaning. They take her for the whole day and she has to be knocked out. I think she’d act really silly all high on Meds. She loves pot. One bad thing (among so many others) about being a (former) pill popper is that you frequently drop your shit on the ground. Maizy luckily doesn’t like pills. She will eat just about anything. She did eat her pill tonight right after she ate her dinner. (Or else she’ll get sick) 

I think I’m in for the night. I was supposed to clean my car out, but it’s right around the time I start my nighttime rituals that it might have to wait. I have to get up fairly early tomorrow because I decided to pick up a shift. Since I like my morning chill time, I have to wake up even earlier. I don’t have to start getting ready till 7:30, howver my alarm is set for 6:04. I’m just weird like that. Do any of you have any morning or evening rituals? Things you have to do before you go to bed or get started with your day? Or am I just weird and all alone on this? 

Alright yall, I have to find something to wear to work tomorrow and probably move my car. 

To idles ✌🏻️

I’m back and doing great

I don’t even remember the last time I updated but it’s been months. I thought since I’m doing better I should update. A few months ago I finally found a job that I like. I had a couple of jobs here and there over the span of time I left Google but nothing that challenges me the way Google did. I went from being at the top of my game, to back to rehab. 

I have to say rehab did me a lot of good. I’m on better medications, I have a good job that I’m really good at. I have a small group of friends and that’s really all I need. I’m still living at my dads house and I want to get out so bad, however I don’t trust myself right now. 

I got rid of all the negative influences in my life. I finally let evil go. (He’s referenced a lot in this blog as evil) I finally decided he was bringing me down and that I had to cut ties. Even if it means he hates my guts and never wants to speak to me again, I’m okay with that. I can’t save everyone. I need to focus on myself. He just took up way too much of my time and energy. 

I did start dating someone else I met, however he turned out to be an asshole. Same pill popping, alcoholic type I usually go for. He actually told me how fat and disgusting I was. Then he started to get angry and threaten me. He even called my new job. I cut ties with him a long time ago. I’ve learned I don’t have the best choice in men so I’m going to continue to be single. I’ve been putting myself out there again though. Went back on this dating site. I think I’m ready to start over again. I guess we’ll see how that goes. 

My job is fantastic! I work in the business development center for a car dealership. I schedule appointments for the sales team, customer service, call customers about promotions the dealership has each month. I get commission whenever I schedule an appointment or sell a car. Last month was my first full month and I sold 17 cars. This month has been incredibly slow for car sales and I’m one at like 7 right now. I know it’s not me, people just aren’t buying. Next couple of months seem promising with follow ups and what not. 

Basically what I’m trying to say is….

It’s taken me a long time to get stable and establish myself somewhere so I’m finally conforming to society again. 

Speaking of work, I have to put my phone down and start getting ready for work. But I hope all my followers are still here and continue to follow my journey! 

Feels good

Day #2 at my new job was a success. We started off reviewing more stuff, and then we did more mock phone calls. I left my computer for a couple minutes to get up and go to the bathroom. By the time I got back everyone was on their headsets, and I assumed they were taking calls. Then one of the managers came down and sat next to me, and said I was ready to go live. I assumed that everyone else was, so I said, “Am I the last one?” He said, “No, you’re the first one.” It turns out I was the only one to take phone calls. I’m pretty sure they can see that there’s something about me that I have that the others don’t.

I don’t have to read the script word for word, it doesn’t take much for me to personalize the call. I think what makes this job a little bit easier versus the last couple jobs is that it is strictly customer service, no selling. In the interview she said to me, “You know this isn’t a sales position, right?” That’s exactly why I applied for the job. Sales is too competitive, and I always take my time with my customers, I give excellent customer service. I might as well take the sales aspect out of it, and just deliver great customer service. (Maybe even BETTER customer service if they let me use this phone to make my daily calls on….)

It feels good to be recognized. To not even try to show off or anything, to just be my normal self, and people notice there’s something different about me from the rest of my peers. That there’s something special about me. I’m used to working in these huge ass corporations where they don’t notice shit. You’re just worker # 59052309253 to them. There’s a constant wave of training classes coming through, and the management, specifically upper management, never take the time to really get to know you or listen to your concerns. At the end of the day, it’s just about numbers and quotas for them.

Here, it’s different. They want to know your input. If there’s something that would help you do your job better, let them know! Someone suggested dual monitors and boom! It was done. If there’s a problem in the scripting that your customers are negatively responding to, take it to your managers, and they will take a look at it. I’m so used to nothing can be changed, this is the way it’s done, so if it doesn’t work it’s probably your fault.

If Cher worked in a big corporation, then yes, this statement is correct.

After I got off work, I met my mom at her work. Me and one of her co-workers who I know and LOVE (who knows that I went to treatment now for a second time) all went out to dinner. My mom is taking one of her dogs in on Saturday and I have to take my dog back so she’s making an appointment for my dog. Then I basically hijacked my mom’s Saturday afternoon. I’ve been dying to go to one of my favorite spots in downtown Ann Arbor called Ragstock. They always have way more in store than they do online. But I’m SUPER obsessed with their leggings, so we are going on Saturday after the vet, then possibly over to Kohl’s because I can wear jeans at this job, the only problem is since I keep losing weight, I have 1 pair that fits me….and they barely fit me. (too big) So I want to hit up Kohl’s for jeans, a black pencil skirt, and I’m looking for brown boots! That’s all I need. Nothing too fancy. I have all the clothes in the world. I might need some basic solid v necks long & short sleeved, but other than that I’m good on clothes. (Says the girl who just got a gigantic bag of clothes from her mom tonight and it’s still in her trunk…whoops!)

I got a letter today from a girl in treatment I went to. I wrote a few letters to a couple girls on the 29th and I got a response today. I am so happy to hear back from her. I think she said she is going to leave. I’ll be here to lean on when she gets out. I love her desperately and I want to make sure she’s doing okay. I wasn’t sure if she decided to stay or to leave. I really do hope she stays because staying as long as you can give you the best odds, but that’s not always the truth. I left after 35 days and I’m doing very well for myself. She said she LOVED all the glitter inside of it and she loved how it smelled. (If you knew me in real life, you would know that I absolutely love sending real mail through the US postal service, and I make sure all my envelopes are scented!) So she might be out already, I’m not sure. I hope she is doing well and I miss her all VERY much!

I also seemed to have gotten myself into my friends CPS case a lot more than I thought I was going to. Both of the fathers came come to me, and now my friends parents have also come to me. Everyone is looking to me because they know I’m the one that has all of the answers. I have most of her secrets, and I have to expose them before it’s too late. So I made what I felt was the right decision. I called her CPS caseworker, and her supervisor. They both were unavailable. I told them who I was and what I was calling about. I told them I work from 10-4 tomorrow but it’s very important that we speak. I’ve known her for the last 25 years and recently just moved out of her residence. I can give you nothing but the facts. Please contact me. Yes, this might hurt her, but her feelings aren’t any concern of mine anymore. It’s about getting those innocent children, that I love with all of my heart, away from their sick, delusional, drug addicted mother. One that’s in too much denial.

My Struggles.

So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.

I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!

 I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.

(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)

You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.

Before:

After:

Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.

Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.

It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.

I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.

I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!

I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.

WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo