Wedding week

It’s officially wedding week! One more week until my sisters big day! I’m getting so excited for her. Although I have to make a maid of honor speech and I haven’t started writing it yet. Wednesday sounds like a good day to start. I’m probably just going to jot some stuff down in my iPhone and go with it. I feel like everyone will be gossiping about what the drug addict black sheep of the family is going to say. (Me) So needless so say all eyes will be on me for a moment, so I need to make it a good one. I want to make it short and sweet, funny and light. At the same time I have no idea what to say or how to start it. I definitely don’t want to get emotional. Although somehow I have a feeling I will get very emotional. I hate weddings only because I turn into a big baby. I cry during vows, when the bride walks down the isle, cute moments during the wedding. Oh, even when they announce the bride and groom. I lose my shit. 

I have everything I need for the wedding. I was even able to score a last minute gift for my sister. I got her a white silk robe that says bride on it to get ready in on her wedding day. I scored a navy one for myself that says maid of honor. (That’s one of her wedding colors) I love ordering from Amazon. Ordered them on Friday, and they’ll be here by Sunday. I was so worried that when I didn’t order them last weekend they wouldn’t get here on time. 

I also did some shopping yesterday and got my dresses for the rehearsal. They were the first ones I tried on. They’re super cute, I like the way they fit. I might need to lend one to my friend for the wedding but whatever. I doubt anyone will notice they’re the same dress! 

So I’m updating while at work. Saturday’s are pretty slow. I’m not doing much. Just chatting on Facebook, taking the occasional smoke break. I paid the guys in the back to detail my car. It’s usually $165 but they charged me $20. I have him $40 cause I asked him to do some extra stuff for me, and he usually goes and gets gas in it so I don’t have to after work which is nice. My sister will be in town this week and if I have to take her around places, I’d prefer to do it in a nice clean car. 

It’s been raining like crazy here the last couple of days and he still took it through the car wash and shit. I guess that extra $20 means I’m getting a super clean car. I had to take the car in for service the other day too to get air in my tires. It’s nice working in a dealership. Never have to worry about my car again. Plus there is a ford dealership next door. So If there is something wrong with the tires, I’ll have them pop the spare on here and run it over to ford where I have tire protection. I’ll never have to pay to get a tire fixed. 

Anyway, just wanted to give you a quick update. This week will be busy. My sister and her groom will be coming in on Tuesday. I’m off from Thursday to Monday! Wedding is on Saturday! Will definitely have some pics! Talk to you later! 

Today wrap up

I was sure if I should make a new post or update the other one. But I don’t think the email subscribers would be notified if I didn’t make a new post.

 I got all my things accomplished today. I woke up, had my morning chill time as I already posted about. I felt pretty high and hungry by the time I got to work. I had to meet my mother down the street to pick it up, and she didn’t have it secured in a bag or anything. I was super nervous to drive with it. 

But I made it to work successfully! Everyone raved about it, much like last time. Here’s the final product.

I had some mac & cheese, walleye, chicken, potatoes, green beans, and 2 pieces of my moms cheesecake. Everyone wants her to make some for different events. I really wish I knew how to cook. I do make really really cute cupcakes. I buy the cutest mix and frosting, then experiment with food coloring and make them pink and purple. Or sometimes red and green for Christmas. I need to start doing more of that. All these posts come up on my Facebook about my old tie dying business. For what little resources I had at the time, I did a pretty good job at networking and getting my stuff all over the world! (Yes, WORLD) I know I’m capable of great success. I was just in a really bad place last year and I’m glad I found a job I love. (I feel like I say that all the time) 

But when you have such a huge past, it’s hard to return to normal life. Like fitting in at a job, actually having the drive to go to work, and perform. When something is up to me how much extra money I make on commission, I grind hard. 

Speaking of commission, they might roll out something new. If you have a personal best that month, you get an extra 10% bonus. Also, if the team as a whole improves, you get another 10%. I hope this happens. I get at the first of the following month, but since they won’t have final numbers in time for our payday on the 2nd, we have to wait until the 9th. I’m a little bummed about this. It was a really slow month for us in our department. For example, last month I had 17 cars and thus month I think i only have like 11-12. A lot can happen the last few days of the month though. Those salesman work really hard (and late) to hit better numbers for the month. They’re also having a contest with if we sell enough of 2 different cars as a whole, everyone who sold those cars gets a bonus. Lots of opportunities to make money. That’s what I like. I could see myself being here for a while, and hopefully eventually moving up in the company. I feel like I’m on the right track and the possibilies are endless. 

It’s hard living with many mental disorders. People who live with them know what it’s like. Sometimes we just don’t feel “normal”. I have to take medication multiple times a day in order to do anything, or to be able to fall asleep. I hate it. I have these little rituals I have to do everyday in order to either worry about how much sleep I’m going to get in a night, and I have to take my Meds by a certain time, so I can’t go out when I have to work in the morning because it messes with my routine. It’s so stupid. Then in the morning I feel like I have to be awake like hanging out for a while so I can chill for a bit  while my morning Meds kick in.

I specifically don’t take my adderall everyday because some days I don’t feel like doing anything. However, I feel like I’d be a hell of a lot more motivated to get things together. Like I usually don’t take it Sunday’s. Even though I don’t usually leave the house, I should still be around the house doing things like laundry, or cleaning out my room. But instead I lay in bed all day and veg out on tv. I know that can’t be good. Like I can only get out of bed and do shit when I have it in me? It freaks me out that it has that much control over me. Although I wish I was naturally motivated and had big life goals I’m trying to accomplish. But I just settle with living in the now and staying away from drugs. 

I’m on a good path, I am excited what the future holds. That’s the first time I’ve honestly said that in a while. I truly think next year is going to be a great one for me. I just want to set some minor goals and work toward them. Like id like to be moved out. I’m barely affording shit right now. I could cut back, I know. But I’m not motivated to move just yet. I’ve been back almost a year. (October will be a year since I got out of rehab and moved back home) it worries me that if I live alone,’I’ll be left to my own vices again and it could go horribly wrong. It already did once, and there hasn’t been enough time to not go back to those behaviors. 

Also, happy national dog to my sweet rescue dog Maizy!

This is her at my friends house. I just finished get appointment when my friend called this afternoon. I was out in her neck of the woods so I popped over with the pooch. Her son loves my dog so it was really cute to see him and get together. I got my pups nails trimmed, she got her Meds for fleas, heart worm, ring worm, and hook worm. These sound disgusting which is why I want to prevent her from it. She got vaccinated today too. 

Last year she only got a 1 year rabies vaccine, however this year she got one that’s good for 3 years. She still has to get another shot in a couple more weeks. I had to spread them up because today’s visit already cost me $81. If I added the other thing on it would’ve been well over $100, easily. So I declined. They told me in January she’s due for a teeth cleaning. They take her for the whole day and she has to be knocked out. I think she’d act really silly all high on Meds. She loves pot. One bad thing (among so many others) about being a (former) pill popper is that you frequently drop your shit on the ground. Maizy luckily doesn’t like pills. She will eat just about anything. She did eat her pill tonight right after she ate her dinner. (Or else she’ll get sick) 

I think I’m in for the night. I was supposed to clean my car out, but it’s right around the time I start my nighttime rituals that it might have to wait. I have to get up fairly early tomorrow because I decided to pick up a shift. Since I like my morning chill time, I have to wake up even earlier. I don’t have to start getting ready till 7:30, howver my alarm is set for 6:04. I’m just weird like that. Do any of you have any morning or evening rituals? Things you have to do before you go to bed or get started with your day? Or am I just weird and all alone on this? 

Alright yall, I have to find something to wear to work tomorrow and probably move my car. 

To idles ✌🏻️

Yay!

So yesterday I was finally reunited with evil for the first time in over 3 1/2 months. It was great. As soon as I saw him I gave him the biggest hug and I wouldn’t let go. We spent all night talking and cuddling. He was very anxious about all the stuff he has coming up. He was holding a grudge over some things that happened before I went to rehab, and he has every right to be. I did a lot of shitty things to him. Mostly give him shit over taking my drugs, but little did he know I was stealing his from him. I was such a total bitch to him. But as soon as we started talking, he let everything go because he realized I’ve changed. I told him everything that I was ever angry about before, I’ve completely let go. I’m not angry anymore. I just want us to be better, and better together. It was really amazing to finally hear the words I’ve been wanting to hear for so long, but wasn’t sure if I ever would because I didn’t know if he felt that way anymore. What were those words?

It was pretty great. Like I said I needed to hear that from him so long, but I wasn’t sure if he still felt that way about me. It was reassuring to know that my feelings this entire time (that I tried not to feel but I knew were always still there) and he felt the same way. So I’m hoping we can spend more time together this weekend.

Also, speaking of this weekend, some really fucked up shit happened today. I just got a letter today from the IRS saying that I owe $245. I had my taxes prepared at H&R block this year, and she had quite a hell of a time doing so. SO I made an appointment to have someone look at it on Saturday at 1:00. I am not about to pay some money for someone else’s fuck up!

Also, even though he can’t see this, I’d like to wish my dad a very happy birthday! We are getting ready to go out to dinner. I’m super stoked to eat some ribs tonight. MMMM ribs! And tomorrow is my baby girl Maizy’s birthday! My baby puppy (who is a 67 lb “puppy”) will be 5! Then next week is Jesus’ birthday! Happy birthday J man! Happy birthday all around!

Up before 9. WOW

It’s the coffee I’m telling ya. I’m supposed to be watching the girls today but they’re currently asleep at their friends house down the street. What will most likely happen is that they’ll wake up, come down here and change, eat, and go back down and play. This babysitting gig is easy when I don’t have the 3 year old. I just have 2 amazing little girls today! I also got a letter from the post office saying my mail forwarding went through and that’s great. I turned in the keys to my old place. BYE BYE BYE!

See you in court clown faces. They tried to change the court date on him and my (possible) attorney can’t make that date either, so now they’re even fighting about dates. This is fucking amazing. I did leave some stuff in my old place that I didn’t want anymore, and the power got kicked off before I could empty the fridge, so I left all THAT for them too. Plus my dog tore the fuck up out of my blinds and they’re scattered all over the floor, so I’d imagine the other attorney is going to try and seek damages for that too. Bitch, please.

I have a doctors appointment today to establish care with a new doctor. I’m pissed because I saw my old one for 20+ years, however it’s in the same practice. It’s all because I have new insurance. So I am having just a check up today. Then they want me to have another physical exam, even though I had one in February. Whatever insurance, your paying not me. Not my problem!

Ha memes are awesome for anything. For example:

Also, it’s Throwback Thursday, so this is pretty funny…

Or we even got stuff like this….

And if I had a job, or if you presently do, this is great too…

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about is deep. We learn everything from our families. Who we are as people, some of our values, others we develop on our own, but mostly our perception on relationships themselves. When you see your life as a kid through as an adult things start to make more sense. I realize that my problem with relationships come from my parents staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids, me and my sister. Worst mistake ever. I think they would have been much happier if they divorced at a young age they would be much happier people. But it made me not want to be in a relationship, or any sort of commitment which I posted about a few days ago. I’m lucky that’s the worst thing that happened to me because it’s emotionally scarring and damaging, and we carry it for the rest of our lives.

My friend recently told me a really saddening story about a guy she seeing. As a kid his mom sent him to live with his dad, then lived there for a few years, and sent him back to his moms for the summer, and didn’t talk to him for 10 years. I couldn’t believe how tragic that is. That’s a piece of you, your life. It explains so much about him though, and I tried to explain it to her. I can only assume that he thinks people are going to leave him out of the blue without warning. It’s hard for her because she can’t really get close to him because I’m sure he’s built this wall up since that happened as a kid and it’s going to take a lot to break down. Like I said we learn everything from our families, and then when we get with other people, we basically bring what we know into the relationship, although we have two totally different ideas of the concept of a relationship. Just like how my dad treated my mom like shit, I too chased after guys who treated me like shit. I didn’t even realize that’s a wall I had built up, and they were the wrong people so they never wanted to knock it down, just knock me down.

His walls are built up so high that she is having a hard time within their relationship because of this. I feel bad for my friend too because all she wants and deserves is love, affection, attention, support, and she can’t get that from him right now. All I can offer is my support to her and tell her these things myself, because she’s a wonderful person, and I really don’t think she gets the all the credit she deserves for everything she does, for pretty much everyone. I love you girl, you know I do. You’ll break through and I hope it turns into a wonderful thing, because you deserve it.

Well I suppose I should try to catch a shower sometime in here before these kiddos get home, although I would like to indulge in more coffee and cigarettes. Mneh, I’ll wait

I had my interview yesterday, and I think it went great. They went through a basic questionnaire with me, and I think I did really well. I had a hard time answering what my career path was. I wanted to be like look lady, I take shit one day at a time. I hustle, I can do websites, blogging, Google advertising all on the side, I can do any job in the corporate world, starting down from the bottom and working my way up. I love doing sales, and this job requires a lot of upselling which I’m good at and have always had to do, even back at my days working at Chili’s. Those people wanted us to upsell like everything. Jesus, if they want it they’ll order it. I still did it though cause it was my job, so a lot of people ate shit they didn’t want, but I made them want it.

I’m waiting to hear for a call back from the woman I originally talked to, and who called me for the interview. The person who interviewed me said that she was going to give the questionnaire to her, and she seemed to already like me over the phone. But then after that I got a little depressed getting my hopes up. Like why would they want me?

I put zero effort into finding this job, but it’s a good job and one I’d like to have so I really hope it does work out for me. They said it’s really similar to one of my previous jobs in how they’re setup, and well not to brag but I was the top sales agent there, with a 42′ flat screen and xBox 360 with Kinect to prove it mother fuckers. Basically my life is like this when I work:

Well followers and readers, keep your fingers and toes crossed for me. I’d cross my toes if I could but I just broke about 5 of them from moving. OH well. Let’s see where today’s discovery will take me… See you tomorrow or later. 🙂

It’s still April 27 in Arizona!

Even though my sister doesn’t read this blog, I wanted to still dedicate a post to her for her birthday. It’s 12:30 AM but it’s only 9:30 PM in Arizona so it’s still get birthday where she lives. 

Even though we are polar opposites and have our disagreements on just about everything, I love you with all my heart. You are smart, beautiful, responsible, and you’re marrying the love of your life next year. I’m glad our birthdays are so close. 2 years and 2 days apart. I love you sis! Happy 31st! This post is for you! 

  

  

Did it.

 

I touched up my old tattoo and I added the two underneath. The first one says little sister, the second one says daughter and the third is granddaughter. (grandchild)

Like I said in my last post, pics or it didn’t happen and guess what bitches? I did it. I got the daughter tat because I want to work on a better relationship with my dad even though he makes it totally impossible at times. My relationship with my mom is solid. I got the granddaughter tattoo because my last grandparent just passed away on New Year’s Eve 2014-2015 and so I felt it was a tribute to my grandparents. Plus the Japanese writing goes down which is why I have it done like this.