Addiction sucks.

Two posts in one day was necessary because I really need to vent about what happened between my friend and I today. You can chose to ignore this, or read how much addiction sucks and ruins lives because people chose to ignore it.

I talked a little bit about how my friend came to me a week ago and said that she wanted to get help and go to treatment. I kind of figured she was bluffing, because that was last Monday, and later on in the week when she still hadn’t made a move I asked her what the deal was. She said she was still researching it, at this point I knew she wasn’t serious. I know she really needs some help because she’s literally lost everything. Her looks, kids, home, car, and her job.

Well anyway, today I decided to message her about the $700 DTE bill that is outstanding. A few days after I moved into her house, the DTE that was in her name got shut off. She was so far behind that she had to pay it in full in order to have her services restored, which of course she didn’t have. Now, I JUST moved in. She begged me to put it in my name with the understanding that she would be taking over the payments. Of course since we have been friends for so long I never got anything in writing. (BIG MISTAKE) According to her mom she had court this morning so she didn’t answer any of my messages right away. When she finally did, she exploded.

First she called me a delusional bitch, and then she showed me some drug test results that were negative. This is the same person who called and texted me like crazy exactly one week ago about needing help and wanting to go to a treatment center. The same person who admitted was still smoking pot and popping pills. I don’t need to stare at a negative drug panel. For all I know you used your kids urine to pass your drug test. I would never put that past an addict. All of these things she told me last week, that I tried to tell her today, she denied ever saying. I’m the sober one. Not the delusional one.

It doesn’t hurt me that she says all these hurtful things to me. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Her words can’t hurt me anymore because I know what my truth is. I came clean about what I’ve done wrong. I went to treatment, I got help, I came clean to my friends and family. I told them I fucked up, and I reached out for help. So calling me a crack head, or saying she wonders how long I’ll last this time, it doesn’t effect me. I know I got this.

The thing that does hurt however is that she can’t see what she’s doing to herself. She can’t see that she has a problem. She’s lying to herself and to everyone around her. She doesn’t have the support of her family anymore. They’ve given up on her because she treats them like shit. After she blocked me on her phone, and on Facebook, I made one last attempt by writing her an email. Of course she was a mega bitch and said she would file a PPO on me. Then I responded and said that I would be receive a PPO this week. For what? There are no grounds. I’ve been talking to her mother via text this entire time and she said she threatens everyone with a PPO. Just to see what she would say back I told her maybe I should let CPS know somethings. She wrote me back and said that her CPS case was closed, but I confirmed with her mother that it’s not.

I’ve been friends with her for 25 years. I’ve been talking to her mom pretty much all day and we have been going back and forth about all the lies she tells. I guess it makes me glad that I got the help that I need and I’m not running around telling these ridiculous lies, falling deeper and deeper. There’s just so much she’s lying about, it’s hard to tell what her truth is anymore. At this point, I truly do feel sorry for her. She doesn’t even know up from down. She’s wasting away into nothing. It’s sad to see. To think that you have known this person your entire life, and now you don’t even know who that person is anymore. That everything they say, or put out there is a lie. They are master manipulators. She had me fooled.

I thought we were helping each other out when I moved in. It made me sicker, and it made her sicker. She didn’t use any of the money I paid her in rent for bills. She claims she’s losing her house, she never paid for the DTE, she doesn’t pay for her own cell phone, she never bought food, anything. So there’s only one thing left, that’s drugs. I know I always shared my stash with her, but she was always selfish and sneeky with hers.

The more and more I converse with her mother, the sadder I get. I want to have hope for her, but I think she’s a lost cause. Especially when she said she wanted treatment, but then today she swears up and down she’s living a sober life. Yet, according to her ex who saw her in court today, she looked like she was messed up. It’s a shame. In a way, I’m kind of glad she doesn’t have her kids. They’re old enough to know somethings not right. Her oldest is fragile and emotional. She shouldn’t be subjected to that.

I know what I’ve been through in my addiction, I know all the people I’ve hurt. I know all the lies I’ve told. I know I thought I was getting away with it. I thought people believed my lies, and I thought I was so good at lying. But I wasn’t. I was horrible. No one believed me. I didn’t think I ever looked fucked up when in reality I always did, and everyone could always tell.

I’m about to go to a mass at my church for all the people in the parish we’ve lost, specifically for me my grandma & grandpa. While I’m there I’m going to say a prayer. Maybe it’ll help.

Rant of frustration

My roommate spends most of her time with her boyfriend who lives two houses away. Yesterday she happened to be home and realized there’s no toilet paper in the house. I took her to the store and got get shut for the house. All I wanted for myself were these Popsicles. Her kids ate them all and said mom is going to pay you back. She throws it up in my face that I ate two things of hers. Perhaps I should take back all the pop I bought that she’s been drinking, the coffee and toilet paper too. I said dont worry, I’ll go back and replace more items for your home. 

I can’t move home with my dad unless I get rid of maizy. Not happening. So I’m stuck here. Every night she sleeps at her mans house and locks get two cats in my living area (the basement) where they torture my dog, claw my furniture and I have to sleep with my door closed bc they come in my room in the night and knock shit over or attack me. Not to mention their litter box is in my bathroom, she never cleans it, they shit all over the floor. She keep saying she will move it but she never does. Her AC is broken, washer is broken, but since she can just go to her man’s house it doesn’t bother her. The first week I moved in the power got shut off bc she owed so much on it. Now it’s in my name and she hasn’t paid on it. I had to pay my portion and her portion of our Internet bill, but still give her $20 for rent. But she didn’t pay the DTE bill. 

The reason I wanted to move is because this is my best friend of 25 years and I don’t want living together to ruin our friendship. She wants me to pay for a pair of underwear my dog chewed through but seems to forget her cat chewed through a pair of $300 coach shoes she borrowed. That’s another thing. She keeps borrowing my stuff and not returning it, but keeps wearing it instead. Half of the time when I borrow something, I give it back dirty otherwise they’ll never get it back. She has some of my favorite  leggings and I’m very over protective of them because they’re unique. 

It’s hard for us to sit down and talk this out because she’s never here! 

Today I’m going for over to evils house. I’m going with his parents to take to a psychiatric hospital to get assessed to see if they’ll take him or not. I found the hospital and it’s one of the best in the country. Then after that he’s entering a long term inpatient drug treatment program  . So he will be off getting better for a while. This will give me a chance credit to go into my new job with a clear head and focus. 

I’ve been practicing my conservative makeup look since that’s what they want at this job. I’m chain smoking and slamming down coffee like it’s my job God damn. I have to get in the shower but there’s about 5 little kids sleeping in my living room in giant tents so this is going to be fun. 

Before I go, here’s a pic of Maizy in the morning since she can’t have coffee. Maybe I’ll give her a treat. 

   
 

Up before 9. WOW

It’s the coffee I’m telling ya. I’m supposed to be watching the girls today but they’re currently asleep at their friends house down the street. What will most likely happen is that they’ll wake up, come down here and change, eat, and go back down and play. This babysitting gig is easy when I don’t have the 3 year old. I just have 2 amazing little girls today! I also got a letter from the post office saying my mail forwarding went through and that’s great. I turned in the keys to my old place. BYE BYE BYE!

See you in court clown faces. They tried to change the court date on him and my (possible) attorney can’t make that date either, so now they’re even fighting about dates. This is fucking amazing. I did leave some stuff in my old place that I didn’t want anymore, and the power got kicked off before I could empty the fridge, so I left all THAT for them too. Plus my dog tore the fuck up out of my blinds and they’re scattered all over the floor, so I’d imagine the other attorney is going to try and seek damages for that too. Bitch, please.

I have a doctors appointment today to establish care with a new doctor. I’m pissed because I saw my old one for 20+ years, however it’s in the same practice. It’s all because I have new insurance. So I am having just a check up today. Then they want me to have another physical exam, even though I had one in February. Whatever insurance, your paying not me. Not my problem!

Ha memes are awesome for anything. For example:

Also, it’s Throwback Thursday, so this is pretty funny…

Or we even got stuff like this….

And if I had a job, or if you presently do, this is great too…

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about is deep. We learn everything from our families. Who we are as people, some of our values, others we develop on our own, but mostly our perception on relationships themselves. When you see your life as a kid through as an adult things start to make more sense. I realize that my problem with relationships come from my parents staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids, me and my sister. Worst mistake ever. I think they would have been much happier if they divorced at a young age they would be much happier people. But it made me not want to be in a relationship, or any sort of commitment which I posted about a few days ago. I’m lucky that’s the worst thing that happened to me because it’s emotionally scarring and damaging, and we carry it for the rest of our lives.

My friend recently told me a really saddening story about a guy she seeing. As a kid his mom sent him to live with his dad, then lived there for a few years, and sent him back to his moms for the summer, and didn’t talk to him for 10 years. I couldn’t believe how tragic that is. That’s a piece of you, your life. It explains so much about him though, and I tried to explain it to her. I can only assume that he thinks people are going to leave him out of the blue without warning. It’s hard for her because she can’t really get close to him because I’m sure he’s built this wall up since that happened as a kid and it’s going to take a lot to break down. Like I said we learn everything from our families, and then when we get with other people, we basically bring what we know into the relationship, although we have two totally different ideas of the concept of a relationship. Just like how my dad treated my mom like shit, I too chased after guys who treated me like shit. I didn’t even realize that’s a wall I had built up, and they were the wrong people so they never wanted to knock it down, just knock me down.

His walls are built up so high that she is having a hard time within their relationship because of this. I feel bad for my friend too because all she wants and deserves is love, affection, attention, support, and she can’t get that from him right now. All I can offer is my support to her and tell her these things myself, because she’s a wonderful person, and I really don’t think she gets the all the credit she deserves for everything she does, for pretty much everyone. I love you girl, you know I do. You’ll break through and I hope it turns into a wonderful thing, because you deserve it.

Well I suppose I should try to catch a shower sometime in here before these kiddos get home, although I would like to indulge in more coffee and cigarettes. Mneh, I’ll wait

I had my interview yesterday, and I think it went great. They went through a basic questionnaire with me, and I think I did really well. I had a hard time answering what my career path was. I wanted to be like look lady, I take shit one day at a time. I hustle, I can do websites, blogging, Google advertising all on the side, I can do any job in the corporate world, starting down from the bottom and working my way up. I love doing sales, and this job requires a lot of upselling which I’m good at and have always had to do, even back at my days working at Chili’s. Those people wanted us to upsell like everything. Jesus, if they want it they’ll order it. I still did it though cause it was my job, so a lot of people ate shit they didn’t want, but I made them want it.

I’m waiting to hear for a call back from the woman I originally talked to, and who called me for the interview. The person who interviewed me said that she was going to give the questionnaire to her, and she seemed to already like me over the phone. But then after that I got a little depressed getting my hopes up. Like why would they want me?

I put zero effort into finding this job, but it’s a good job and one I’d like to have so I really hope it does work out for me. They said it’s really similar to one of my previous jobs in how they’re setup, and well not to brag but I was the top sales agent there, with a 42′ flat screen and xBox 360 with Kinect to prove it mother fuckers. Basically my life is like this when I work:

Well followers and readers, keep your fingers and toes crossed for me. I’d cross my toes if I could but I just broke about 5 of them from moving. OH well. Let’s see where today’s discovery will take me… See you tomorrow or later. 🙂

Life changes, changing life

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s going to happen with this move. Living here and meeting the people I’ve met has been a great experience for me. I was thrown out on my ass with no place to go. I was taken in by a good friend of mine who helped me find the place I’m being evicted from. Sure, it’s not the greatest place or somewhere I ever imagined myself living, but it taught me a very important lesson. It showed me that instead of crying and whining about shit, just pick yourself up off the floor and do something about it.

I’ve never denied to anyone that’s called me out that I’m spoiled. So my entire life someone has always cleaned up my messes. But this time it was different. No one wanted me. I realize now that I would’ve done the same thing if I was them. I had to learn that at some point in my life I have to grow up and figure shit out on my own.

I’m so grateful for my best friend for letting me live with her. I feel like it will be really good for the both of us. She’s been through so, so, so, SO much and she definitely deserves a break. I feel like I can be that break for her. Right now I’m unemployed but I plan on paying her what I can for rent and bills, I’m hustling in so many ways for a job and money. I love her kids like they are my own so she also just got in a built in baby sitter. No more struggling with all the kids to run simple errands any more boo! 😉

If I could EVER have a roommate, it’d be her. She’s said the same thing. We just don’t like people. LOL I’m am hopeful for the future and know this will be a great experience for the both of us. We have been through hell and back over the past 25 years, so this just kind of makes sense. No joke I am literally crying as I type this right now. That’s how strongly I feel about this.

Anyway, my dad works for Ford and told me there might be an opportunity for me to get in and work there as well. It would start off as a temporary position, but could lead to full time. It’s also a UNION job which I fucking support the union 90t8w 985 3028%. They have been great to my dad who found this job way too late in life, but found it after he divorced my mother so all this money is 100% his and I’m very happy for him. No offense to my mom or anything, she’s my best friend, but she was always very controlling with their money because she made it known she made more. I jokingly call her my personal shopper now but she’s not taking money away from anyone (like my dad). she actually just came over here and dropped off a couple of dresses.

My mom also got me these Hello Kitty candies that I’m about to smash. I am sick AGAIN so candy will definitely make me feel better. Right? Right!

In other news, I talked to the prosecutor about the case involving my car. He is sending me a letter that I will take to the Secretary of State that allows me to get a REAL LICENSE PLATE BACK ON MY CAR. I have had a paper plate in my back window since this incident happened which was mid March. It’s annoying as fuck because they can pull me over at any time. Also, when it rains they can’t see it. But yayyyyyy! I’m finally getting my plate back. The ONLY thing I’m a little upset about is that I’ve had the same plate number since I got my first car and I won’t have that one anymore. 😦 I’m thinking positively though because something bad has happened with every single one of my cars. So maybe the plate number was a bad omen? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I have to find a job. Unemployment and prostitution is great. Um what? haha Just making sure you’re still with me there. No but seriously, this is boring. I know I will regret that when it’s like 80 degrees outside and I could just sit around and get tan all day long and get paid for it. Buttttttt I like working. I’ve worked since I was 14, so that’s over half my life! My “friend” recently got a job so he’s never around to hang out with either. My bipolar has recently been keeping me down and not wanting to look for jobs, so I can’t find anything if I’m not looking. After I post this blog I’m going to get back on track. I already have the tabs open and ready to go. Plus I’m waiting to hear back from my dad about where to apply at his work. Cha ching $$$ I also have to start organizing my stuff and start packing it up soon. I’ve decided I’m going to move my stuff at night so they don’t know what’s up. I’m a shady bitch like that. Fuck you and this piece of shit. Ahhhh, I love swearing.

Also for extra motivation I have the House station on Pandora blasting through these subs with the bass going. Who gives a fuck if I piss these neighbors off, right?? RIGHT!

(click on image to make larger because these songs are stellarrrrrr)

Alright that’s it for me today. I’m going to rest and drink a lot of water and try to fight this thing. I have a good combo of over the counter meds I can take that will kick this things ass. A doctor I used to work for told me about it because I didn’t have insurance for a while so he always helped me out. Till we meet again….

Deep conversation

Okay so I am a little tipsy/dazed, but I just had a really good, honest deep conversation about life with a old friend from the past who I recently got back in touch with. I wasn’t expecting that, but damn, don’t deep conversations just rock your world sometimes? I feel like it just did with me. I was very influential in this person’s life even though I have been out of it for a while. But we did meet each other under very weird circumstances in a place where you’re vulnerable as fuck. When someone sees that side of you, the side that is raw and real, you just kind of click. We’re able to talk about everything together. Things that haven’t come up in a long ass time. I don’t know, it’s almost like another form of therapy for me. I just got off the phone and wanted to blog about this feeling. Being open to someone, but not feeling vulnerable and judged, but there was once this like unspoken things between us. I don’t feel like I’m going to get hurt because there’s no pressure, and right now we’re just there for each other. It’s weird. I don’t really know what’s happening. I am going to be super careful though. I will not go out of my way for shit. That’s all I’m saying, and not to say it’s even going there, but still. If something were to happen, that’s a huge danger zone so I can’t even get think like that. Just one step, and friendship is all that this is right now. Okay, off the internet machine. I’m watching this in hopes of passing out, despite not being tired. I’m wired as fuck, in a manic state with my bipolar.

Wow internet broken

So my internet has been temporarily disabled. Which is why I haven’t updated my blog. Epic fail. Man. I have been trying to stay in a positive mind set and it’s actually working. 



Yes I just pulled that one. 

I also just want to add that I repaired a broken friendship recently and it feels nice. Taking things slowly of course but I’m glad we are back in action. I’m upset we ever were apart but sometimes we all need space. For whatever reason or another we all have our moments, and I respect that because shit, I damn sure have a hell of a lot of moments. 

Also, my amazing hello kitty soul sister sent this to me via US Postal Service! Yes, it still exists! 



Well if I haven’t eaten up too much data I’ll post. Tags later at work. Hehehehe. 

I love you.

Exchanging a few quick texts with my bestie of almost 25 years inspired this post. I love you. No matter where my heads at, and vice versa, we say some dumb shit to each other and can still put a smile on each others face.