When it rains, it pours, and rips off your bumper.

FUCK. 

I was driving home in a really bad storm where I could barely see. iAds a turn and didn’t see a curb and must’ve turned over it. It was raining so hard on the freeway that I couldn’t hear it dragging the entire time. It was about 20 miles. Yeah so I also have a job interview tomorrow and don’t even know how bad the damage is. The little guard underneath the front bumper is bent underneath the car. I already fucked that thing up last winter and got it fixed in the spring. I’m legally blind. (most of you mother fuckers claim to be “blind” because your glasses are sooooo thick. Well mine is -11.50. Anyone who knows what that means and tries to tell me how bad theirs are, it’s usually like a fucking -3.0 or some shit. Side rant) I shouldn’t have driven home in the first place with the horrible rain and my eye sight. This just pisses me off, I have an interview tomorrow!! As usual I called my dad and he’s going to come over in the morning and assess the damage. I couldn’t really see how bad it was because its dark and raining. I tried to pull it and it’s totally jammed up under my car. Fuck fuck fuckidy fuck fuck. I was shaking the whole way home too. Just a nervous wreck on the road. The windshield wiper speed on my car is like too slow too. I asked the dealership to adjust it and they said it would be a modification to the car and break my lease. My car is only a 2013 Ford Focus. You’d think a newer car with all the gizmos and gadgets in that mother fucker would have windshield wipers that go fast and actually block the rain while driving. It’s a fucking safety hazard obviously in which I was a victim to tonight.
I got a OCD and changed all my contacts on my iPhone to different hello kitties that represent each person with corresponding emojis. 

  
It’s still thundering really bad and shaking the entire house. I’m in the basement and can still feel it

I should really get to bed so I can wake up and have my dad look at my car. I’m going to finish the Wolf of Wallsteet since I started watching it earlier. 

I hung out with evil today and did laundry at his house. I had to go to court for him on Friday. He ended up spending the night in jail, so when he came out I went over there because his mom called and said I was the only person he wanted to see. Then this afternoon we hung out and ran some errands while I did my laundry at his house. I’m just comfortable doing it over there. His mom likes me and it wasn’t awkward. 

I also got harassed by evils ex after court. I just told her by the way she was typing she’s so dumb and I don’t understand what she’s saying, so she should stop embarrassing herself. I may have mentioned it has something to do with her not finishing high school. She’s trying to ruin his life so I feel like I have to help him. He told me he loves me. I know it must’ve been really hard for him to tell me that because he hates talking about his feelings. So that just threw me off balance completely. What do you say? What do you do? I can’t have two people telling me they love me (the two I refer to as good and evil) and I’m just frozen. I hate emotions and had them shut off for YEARS and totally detached from everything emotionally for a long tnme. I didn’t realize I was capable of turning my feelings on or off until now. Because I’m doing it. It’s going to explode in my face so I know I’m going to sabotage this anyway. It’s like eh, whatever. I need to teach myself not to detach and ruin a good thing because I have a fear of commitment. Okay I guess I really needed to blog today. 

Here’s some stuff I saved that makes me LOL. The second one is what my BFF sent to me.    

   

Injured for cutness

So if you read my last post you know that I went to Bed Bath & Beyond last night. Well, I’m posting today from one of my many new at home work stations so I did not get lost in the beyond. (YAY) Although, if I did, it would’ve been with these studs:

(I wanted an excuse to use that pic because it was super cute)

So anyway things haven’t been all bad since I lost my job. I have been trying to maintain a positive attitude. I am maintaining a schedule, running errands, keeping busy and organized. I could let my mental illnesses completely sweep me up, and then where would I be? Well, I’ll tell you where. Probably crawling back to my dad’s house. That’s honestly the LAST place I want to end up because that will mean 32892390582 steps in the WRONG direction for me. Our relationship is improving and I’d like to keep it that way. He shows he cares in the completely wrong way, but I don’t think he knows any better. Even though I’m the one who is hurting, desperate, in need of so much help, he attacks me, and I’m supposed to handle him. I should know better by now I guess. My 29th birthday is a month from tomorrow. My guest list might be a little smaller, but I am still having my Unicorn Princess Party.

Another exciting thing that happened this week is that I had my house inspected by the city housing department. My landlord lives in California so he has this guy “managing” it for him. So anything I need I’m supposed to go to him. Well, I have lived here since November and have paid my rent on time no problem. I have simply asked for them to fix things that are reasonable, and he just runs me around in circles and doesn’t do shit about anything. I found it very odd my landlord in California gave me the city inspectors contact information so freely, but he did, so I used it. I had an inspection yesterday and the inspector told me as soon as he left my house he was going to write the report and send it off to the landlord, and send me a copy. There were things I had concerns about but they found other things I didn’t even give much thought about. Now they are on notice from the city and they have 30 days from yesterday’s date to make all of the repairs or else……

I also found out that the guy he had managing the complex never made the landlord aware of ANY of my complaints. So when I said I thought it was sketchy he gave the inspectors number out so freely, he thought he had nothing to hide because he was told everything was already taken care of. My landlord tells me work is going to be started right away, and I immediately think it’s going to be the same douche that I’ve been dealing with this entire time. He reassures me he has someone else handling all of the work. So all of this took place yesterday afternoon, and my landlord scheduled a contractor to come out and price out the repairs this morning.

At this point I’m still thinking my landlord could still say fuck the repairs I’m just going to trash the place. The guy who came to do the estimate and who will be working on my house is cool as fuck. (This is a huge bonus because every person that has come to some sort of maintenance or installation in my house has been super creepy/rape-y) He called me back a little bit after leaving and said he wrote up an estimate that my landlord approved. Funny how my landlord will respond to other people. but not to me. I can see when he reads his text messages because he has an iPhone too, but he goes silent. So, I got another resource to help me along in this process….

Well, no, not her. I think that would take too long. I got some free legal advice. I am waiting for a call back because technically I don’t have to pay my rent until my house passes the city inspection. My rent is due on April 7, and the inspection is on April 27. I would just need to borrow some money from some kind family member, open up an escrow account with the inspection letter and boom. I’m all set for the rent, they can’t touch me on that. There’s a few other things they are liable for which is why I am trying to see what my rights are without getting too dirty here because I don’t want to get evicted. They don’t have any legal grounds to evict me, so they would have an even bigger shit storm if they tried to do that. Alright well, that took a lot of time.

As I mentioned I have lived here since November and it really hasn’t felt too homey mostly because I have been on their ass trying to get things fixed, so now that they have to, I’m starting to put more effort into things I guess. Even though right now I don’t have a job. I’m staying positive! My mom bought me some curtains for one of the windows in my kitchen/living room. We figured if we liked them we could go back and get more since they were marked down. Well I was determined to put them up myself today. BAD IDEA.

I fell off and through the chair and broke it. I cut my leg pretty bad on the wood and knocked the wind out of me. I’m pissed because now that’s another thing I have to buy that I don’t have to buy. I have a lot of different colors of glitter glue, maybe that will hold?

I did get the curtains up.

I also got this while in the beyond of BB&B

When I say I got this, I don’t mean me, my mom/personal shopper. I also got some other useless shit like a pink flip clock, a tart burner, some amazing candles, a paper towel rack, candy and this sweet ass cup.

Alright I think I’m going to give this blogging a rest. It’s 5:30 and although I have gotten a lot accomplished today I’m still sitting here in my glasses, unshowered with no food in the house. I don’t have any plans either so I’m not exactly sure what I’m getting ready for butttttttttt ya never know.

Awake at 8:00 AM on a Saturday?!… this is some kind of record for me man

So, I know my whole post last night was probably hard to follow, and some of you (most of you) probably gave up. I didn’t even proofread because I was typing my way through a panic attack. Basically certain peoples whereabouts were unknown, and know they are known, everything I guess is okay, but kinda not really. I mean for me it is. I was indirectly involved. Well I wasn’t specifically, but let’s just say ummm, my property. Yes, my property is fine! I don’t want to get too specific again because really the exact details aren’t anyone’s business except for who I choose to tell. I wanted to update you with that. Also because I’m awake at 8:00 on a Saturday fucking morning. Anddddddddd what the fuck else is there to do when you’re still hijacking hijacked wifi?

Turn this frown upside down in a post? Let’s see. Ready. Set. BLOG!

Tonight’s blogging space. Super snazzy. I know.

Today has been just like what I would imagine building a house would be like, except but building a house full of anxiety, emotions, stress, anger, frustration, feeling overwhelmed, tired, and a whole bunch of other things. I’m trying to take on so much at once, and I’m clearly not “hustling” hard enough to do it. I have to pick up some kind of side gig or something because I am not preforming well enough for “the man.” (ha!)

What I should do is get another gig elsewhere, but I like what I do, and I get comfortable (even though I am clearly not comfortable at this current moment.) But why should I have to leave just because everything else is fucked? No, that’s not how shit works in my world. Unicorns have mother fucking horns so they can ram them into mother fuckers they don’t like. Science. Magical science. I’m trying to turn the WORST MOOD EVER into somewhat of the not worst mood ever. Something that is helping is that all my old playlists have been brought back in legacy mode. AH. Die. Music is like my life, life, life, life, life, life.

I lost my shit on pretty much everyone today. It was a combination platter of work + personal + financial + mental + physical + stress + WTF + ?>GS:LT#(T)OISF. I was never a good math student so I’d say that equals F. For what you say? Oh, that’s simple. My favorite word to describe or emphasize anything.

Yep. Even when I was in school, that was still the answer to all the math problems I didn’t know. Solve for X? Hey, I’ll solve for F. Oh wait, couldn’t find it. But I found U, C and K!!!!

Across the Universe by the Beatles just come on. This is why music inspires me. I can lose my own thoughts instead of crying or panic attacks or freaking the fuck out on people and instead listen to how other people thought at the time. My music library would impress anyone. I am a hippie, club kid, 80’s kid, classic rock and roll, classical music, house, jazz, blues, I mean, there’s literally nothing, nothing, I won’t listen to. I’ve played music, I’ve experienced the performance, I grew up listening to good music. (Thanks Mom!)

Sorry, side tracked… hehehehe

So anyway, there’s also this that’s positive. I put some on to shake me out of my negative nancy sassy bitch pants, as well as ate some Jell-o. (Even though I thought about Bill Cosby raping people. He ruined Jell-o. Bastard!)

Oh shit, my jam came on. “Pink” by Aerosmith. “As pink as the sheets as we lay on, cause pink is my favorite crayon.” My mom was actually just backstage at Aerosmith the other night in Las Vegas and her friend met Steven Tyler! I have been rocking to Aerosmith since the tender age of about 4. I used to tie bandanas around my toy microphone like he did and sing all of his songs. I had a poster on my little mermaid bedroom as a kid until my sister put a gum mustache on Steven’s face.

I am a little bummed to be spending Friday night alone. But, me? Around more people today?

I kind of figured today’s post would be a little long. Okay fuck that, I knew I was going to come on here tonight and blow this shit up tonight. I posted this earlier on my facebook, but I’ll say this here (since my identities are separate) but I really do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I’m about to start wearing mother fucking tank tops. Yeah, I get emotional and fucking crazy. Most don’t understand. I’m bipolar, I’m ADHD and I have anxiety, plus a whole bunch of other shit. When one thing sets me off, it’s like:

One thing stems into like t908582305820852014mlkg, (give or take a few) filled with highs, lows, getting distracted with the ADHD, anxious and panicky. I hate when people see it. They don’t get it. People who get it get it, but then others don’t.

I think I’ll end that there because this mac & cheese has been eye fucking the shit out of me for way too long. Plus I’m like super hungry – you know 🙂

My blog posted/playlist ended at Stevie Nicks, “Edge Of Seventeen” Yessssss