Moving update breakdown rant

So I got all the stuff loaded in the uhaul today for the most part. However now I’m at my new destination with nothing ready and all my shit sitting in a truck in the driveway. This is what anxiety feels like. You know how you just get pumped and want to do everything all at once? Well life had other plans in store. So now, I wait. I wait with anxiety because even though I am SOOOO glad to be here and out of my old home, I guess I just needed someone’s support. I didn’t have it. I guess that’s what growing up is. Dealing with your own shit without any help or guidance from anyone. I’m such an anxious person though, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my stuff. My whole fucking home is sitting in a uhaul truck in the driveway, along with a bunch of random ass shit in the basement. I was just so ready to go on my end and I just have to wait now. It’s like a carrot being dangled in front of my nose. Sometimes I know I am bossy and I want things my way but right now I feel like I’m going out of my fucking mind doing this waiting game. I’m always there to help out everyone. I’m not saying I do it so they will help me out later in life. I was making a statement. I make sure my friends are taken care of like mentally. You know? No one has given two shits about my life or my decisions or even fucking asked me how I feel. Perhaps it’s because I put on a hard front and I will never admit to being a softie, but I geninuely care for people when they are in my life. I’m so selective on who I keep in my life too. I cut myself off emotionally for so many years that I totally let my guard down with the wrong man, who ended up making me feeling broken all over again. The point is I love hard, and I make sure people remember that I was there when this crazy fucked up shit happened to them. It’s almost like I’m everyone’s fucking punching bag. I’m never allowed to fall apart though. As soon as I start breaking down I break the fuck down, hardcore. Hence why I’m blogging probably. It’s the only place where my thoughts are mine alone and I can have them because I’m entitled to them. There’s no one to tell me what I’m thinking is wrong, I’m being a bitch or a baby. It’s just me and my thoughts. I know people appreciate me, but do they? Or is that apporeciation a form of using me? Because sometimes that’s all I feel people do to me. They use me for whatever they need me for no questions asked, but when I need something, I get the response of figure it out or stop being a baby. That’s why I feel like maybe this is the most alone or rather grown up I’ve ever felt. I’ve just had to deal. Freak out a lot, then try and deal again. The lack of motivation I’ve had leading up to this is unreal. Being bipolar, having insomnia, anxiety and ADHD has been such a bitch to me when it came to packing up my house. I still have to go back and do more stuff tomorrow. But the fact that it’s just all this wasted time. My friend that I’m moving in with had to work an event for a few hours but in that time I literally feel so anxious, out of my comfort zone. I’ve stayed here a bizillion times but now it’s my house too and the fact that I have to wait to do anything is a fucking drag. Like I said before, I will do whatever I can for you when you need me. My friends don’t even ask because I step in to fix it. But like I said I don’t do it because I expect people to return it, but damn it would be really fucking nice if someone came through like that when I need them. Maybe I was so hyped and energized to do this earlier and now I want to give up before anything even began. I don’t like having to rely on others because everyone always lets me down. But I physically can’t do thus all, and I’m not even supposed to be lifting anything heavy because of my health problems. Well that all went to hell today and I flipped my furniture out of that POS place and I am going crazy wanting to do 84939 at once. I just for once wanted everything to go smoothly but who the fuck am I kidding? I just wanted that serenity that I never got living in my old home because there were constantly bad and nasty things happening there, or things breaking. I never truly enjoyed it because there was always something wrong. Now I find out the place was never legal with the city, my furnace wasn’t approved by the city. All the money in rent and DTE I paid I am legally entitled to get that money back. That however doesn’t include damages. Collecting rent on a unit that the city says isn’t legal. They served me with court papers to appear on Wednesday. This is my eviction hearing. I don’t see the point in going considering I’m not fighting to stay. Before that I was given a notice to pay or get out by June 12. I agreed, but get served with papers to appear in court June 10. This makes no sense. I can’t believe it’s going on 8:00 PM and I’m just supposed to sit here. I want to cry right now but I am watching these 2 little girls who almost saw me break down earlier, so I have to act like an adult here and keep my composure. I just keep going back to my thought about how I can do anything for anyone, whenever, whatever it is. My mom always said it doesn’t matter where you go, people will always be assholes. I guess it’s true. Everyone just looks out for themselves and doesn’t care who they hurt when someone gets in their way. I look out for myself, and others, and I make sure I don’t hurt anyone if they got in my way. I know a lot of what I talk about on here has a lot to do with mental illness and it’s really, really, really eating me away inside right now with my anxiety. My friend keeps saying it’ll be done, but really, what the fuck does it matter if it’s done or not? Obviously it doesn’t if this is how important it was for me to move today. See, now I’m starting to point fingers. My anxiety sometimes come out in the form of anger, and I feel bad for those who are around in my moments like this. I don’t try to act like a super bitch. but it’s all that I feel, so that’s what comes out. I knew this would end up being a rant. I haven’t posted in a while, and this really is the only “person” I can share my thoughts with without being cut off or looked at like I’m crazy. I’m just allowed to think what I want and put it out there. I know there are a lot of new things on the horizon, and I’m in for a change. I need that. It’s what I want right now. Living by myself is absolutely great because I never have to share a thing or be annoyed by another persons whatever, but it’s lonely. I know that if there was ever a person I could actually live with, I’d be her because we’ve known each other forever. We know the quirks, boundaries, limits, and ultimately want to use this experience together to just enjoy life, and the summer, be carefree. I can’t get past how I’m usually the last on people’s list though. Some friends and family members have told me to keep my distance from one friend or another because of all the bullshit I tell them. but for some reason I never listen to what anyone else has to say about my relationship with someone is. I have relationships and friendships on my time, based on my judgement. I tend to look at everyone for the good in what they have in them. It’s bitten me a lot in the ass lately in terms of relationships because although I knew the person had a good heart, they had bad intentions. Back to having those blinders on again. I just give 100% or none at all. Right now it feels like I’m giving my 100% and making smarter, better decisions, yet no one in my support system is here to help, or even say it’s going to be okay. TOO MANY THOUGHTS INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD IS EVER A GOOD THING. That’s all I’ve had is thoughts running through my head. making me even more anxious. Great, someone else who was a potential help now can’t get a ride out here. I kind of just lost it with him on the phone and I didn’t mean to take it out on him but at this point I feel really used, alone, anxious, and I can’t do anything about it. I’m frozen. I have no where to move my things, or a way to move them. Right now I want to cry in my bed right now BUT I can’t because my bed is in a truck. Like, I don’t know I get anxious about my things and now that they’re everywhere I can’t even focus. I don’t like being disorganized. I like knowing where all my things are, and having my sanctuary of being able to decorate, and lay in my bed, and I don’t have this right now. I don’t know why I keep thinking that anyone is going to come to my rescue. I don’t know why I ever thought trying to arrange this move in this way would possibly be a good idea, considering my living space isn’t really livable right now. I just wanted everything about the last few months and where I was living to be gone, and finally I think I’m getting there and I’m not. It’s just a lot to take in all at once and when you have person after person bail on you. I feel like my mood has been ruined for the next couple of days. My OCD and ADHD are in overdrive, not to mention my anxiety which no doubt will lead to insomnia. I doubt I’ll be sleeping tonight. I have way too much on my mind, and as of right now no where to currently sleep.

If you stuck around to read this entire rant, congratulations! It was a long one. I never go back and proof read, I always put down my first initial thought and leave it alone. It’s quite possible I typed the same sentence over and over again during this entire blog without realizing it. Oh well. It’s now 8:35. I started at 7:40. That’s an hour of ranting about my anxiety on this blog. So cheers to you that made it. Sorry I’m so fucked up today.

Update: 9:12 pm and currently getting dark out moving furniture supposedly tonight like this. It just doesn’t feel right and no sleep with crazy anxiety is the worst combo. I am just over it. This is just not how I wanted or expected things to go or be. Drugs sound amazing and counterproductive. 

Life changes, changing life

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s going to happen with this move. Living here and meeting the people I’ve met has been a great experience for me. I was thrown out on my ass with no place to go. I was taken in by a good friend of mine who helped me find the place I’m being evicted from. Sure, it’s not the greatest place or somewhere I ever imagined myself living, but it taught me a very important lesson. It showed me that instead of crying and whining about shit, just pick yourself up off the floor and do something about it.

I’ve never denied to anyone that’s called me out that I’m spoiled. So my entire life someone has always cleaned up my messes. But this time it was different. No one wanted me. I realize now that I would’ve done the same thing if I was them. I had to learn that at some point in my life I have to grow up and figure shit out on my own.

I’m so grateful for my best friend for letting me live with her. I feel like it will be really good for the both of us. She’s been through so, so, so, SO much and she definitely deserves a break. I feel like I can be that break for her. Right now I’m unemployed but I plan on paying her what I can for rent and bills, I’m hustling in so many ways for a job and money. I love her kids like they are my own so she also just got in a built in baby sitter. No more struggling with all the kids to run simple errands any more boo! 😉

If I could EVER have a roommate, it’d be her. She’s said the same thing. We just don’t like people. LOL I’m am hopeful for the future and know this will be a great experience for the both of us. We have been through hell and back over the past 25 years, so this just kind of makes sense. No joke I am literally crying as I type this right now. That’s how strongly I feel about this.

Anyway, my dad works for Ford and told me there might be an opportunity for me to get in and work there as well. It would start off as a temporary position, but could lead to full time. It’s also a UNION job which I fucking support the union 90t8w 985 3028%. They have been great to my dad who found this job way too late in life, but found it after he divorced my mother so all this money is 100% his and I’m very happy for him. No offense to my mom or anything, she’s my best friend, but she was always very controlling with their money because she made it known she made more. I jokingly call her my personal shopper now but she’s not taking money away from anyone (like my dad). she actually just came over here and dropped off a couple of dresses.

My mom also got me these Hello Kitty candies that I’m about to smash. I am sick AGAIN so candy will definitely make me feel better. Right? Right!

In other news, I talked to the prosecutor about the case involving my car. He is sending me a letter that I will take to the Secretary of State that allows me to get a REAL LICENSE PLATE BACK ON MY CAR. I have had a paper plate in my back window since this incident happened which was mid March. It’s annoying as fuck because they can pull me over at any time. Also, when it rains they can’t see it. But yayyyyyy! I’m finally getting my plate back. The ONLY thing I’m a little upset about is that I’ve had the same plate number since I got my first car and I won’t have that one anymore. 😦 I’m thinking positively though because something bad has happened with every single one of my cars. So maybe the plate number was a bad omen? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I have to find a job. Unemployment and prostitution is great. Um what? haha Just making sure you’re still with me there. No but seriously, this is boring. I know I will regret that when it’s like 80 degrees outside and I could just sit around and get tan all day long and get paid for it. Buttttttt I like working. I’ve worked since I was 14, so that’s over half my life! My “friend” recently got a job so he’s never around to hang out with either. My bipolar has recently been keeping me down and not wanting to look for jobs, so I can’t find anything if I’m not looking. After I post this blog I’m going to get back on track. I already have the tabs open and ready to go. Plus I’m waiting to hear back from my dad about where to apply at his work. Cha ching $$$ I also have to start organizing my stuff and start packing it up soon. I’ve decided I’m going to move my stuff at night so they don’t know what’s up. I’m a shady bitch like that. Fuck you and this piece of shit. Ahhhh, I love swearing.

Also for extra motivation I have the House station on Pandora blasting through these subs with the bass going. Who gives a fuck if I piss these neighbors off, right?? RIGHT!

(click on image to make larger because these songs are stellarrrrrr)

Alright that’s it for me today. I’m going to rest and drink a lot of water and try to fight this thing. I have a good combo of over the counter meds I can take that will kick this things ass. A doctor I used to work for told me about it because I didn’t have insurance for a while so he always helped me out. Till we meet again….

You messed with the wrong girl

I hardly ever check my mail. However I was babysitting for my friend yesterday and when she came home she was going through her mail. So when I came home I decided to check my mail too. Well thank god I did because what did I find in my mail? A nice lovely eviction notice form my landlord. Yes that’s right, they want me out. It’s a “just cause” eviction too, meaning I didn’t do anything wrong, they just want me out. As soon as I opened it I just started laughing. I know this isn’t a typical response to an eviction notice, especially to someone who doesn’t have a job or any savings.

What I think these ass clowns don’t realize is that by evicting me they just started a war. Since I called the housing department at the end of March, that means the entire time I lived here since November the house wasn’t up to code. Translation: they weren’t allowed to collect rent. Second translation: I get all that money back. Third translation: Fuck you.

I could fight them and stick around here but I do NOT want to live in this house anymore. With all the problems I’ve had in the past, I don’t see it getting any better. Especially with the summer coming up, all the bugs, and how hot it’s going to get in here. (The winter was brutal with how cold it was in here, even with a new furnace!) I don’t want to have to deal with these slumlords anymore.

Normally I would be freaking out, but I have a backup solution. My very amazing best friend (the one I just wrote about in my last blog) has offered her entire basement up to me as a spot to live. Her brother used to live down there, so it’ll be perfect for me. The entire basement is open, but then there is a room that is closed off for a bedroom. So I’d be able to set up all my furniture that I have in my house now in the basement and then set up my bedroom too. We haven’t discussed payment or anything, but we’ll get into that later.

Her ex has until the end of the month to get the rest of his stuff out of the house so I can’t move my stuff in until the beginning of next month. They gave me until June 12 to move. She has an office that’s right down the street from where I live now, which also happens to have a shit ton of moving boxes. So what we devised a plan. I’m going to start using some of those boxes and start packing some stuff up here and store it at her warehouse/office. (I hate clutter so I don’t want to keep a bunch of boxes here) Then after the first of the month I can pack up the rest of the house, rent a moving truck and load up the house here, take it to the warehouse and load up there, then drive it to my new home and unload!

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we know the reason, sometimes we don’t know it right away, and sometimes we never know. But it’s quite possible that me getting kicked out of my dad’s house and forced to live in this piece of shit taught me a lesson. It taught me how to take care of myself, how to live alone and independently, and to grow the fuck up. It taught me that I don’t have to rely on my dad to go grocery shopping every weekend for food if I want to eat, I have to do that stuff. I have to clean the bathroom if it’s dirty, all these things that I should’ve learned a long time ago, but never did.

I feel like this place helped me grow up. Despite all the bullshit and disgusting shit I had to deal with here, it did do something for me. So when I said everything happens for a reason, getting thrown out of the house I lived in my entire life was a blessing in disguise.

Now I am just waiting to hear back from this attorney I contacted about getting all this back rent because legally I’m entitled to it. (Hence why I titled this blog you messed with the wrong girl.) Most of the other people who live in this neighborhood are all junkies. (This town has a baddddddddd heroin problem, which is why I am kind of glad I’m moving back to my old hometown) Junkies usually don’t go that route because they usually do something wrong in order to get evicted, or have something to hide, or even priors that would make them look bad in court. Guess what bitches? My record is clean, I’ve always paid my rent in full and on time, my checks have always cleared, and you have NOTHING ON ME. I have a LOT on you. Like how your maintenance man wouldn’t fix my house for MONTHS, until YOU told me to call the housing department myself because YOU (meaning my landlord) live in California and couldn’t really do much from there.

I did want to go a lot farther with this buttttttttttt a friend of mine works at a country club and she’s working today and told me to come up there for lunch, ON HER!!! Uh, duh. So I have to take a shower and stuff because I’m still in my jammies! Oh and the friend of mine that I’m speaking of is the cousin of my ex that I just had thrown in jail. Ironic. Whatever. My economics teacher was wrong when she said there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Suck it professor!