I’m back and doing great

I don’t even remember the last time I updated but it’s been months. I thought since I’m doing better I should update. A few months ago I finally found a job that I like. I had a couple of jobs here and there over the span of time I left Google but nothing that challenges me the way Google did. I went from being at the top of my game, to back to rehab. 

I have to say rehab did me a lot of good. I’m on better medications, I have a good job that I’m really good at. I have a small group of friends and that’s really all I need. I’m still living at my dads house and I want to get out so bad, however I don’t trust myself right now. 

I got rid of all the negative influences in my life. I finally let evil go. (He’s referenced a lot in this blog as evil) I finally decided he was bringing me down and that I had to cut ties. Even if it means he hates my guts and never wants to speak to me again, I’m okay with that. I can’t save everyone. I need to focus on myself. He just took up way too much of my time and energy. 

I did start dating someone else I met, however he turned out to be an asshole. Same pill popping, alcoholic type I usually go for. He actually told me how fat and disgusting I was. Then he started to get angry and threaten me. He even called my new job. I cut ties with him a long time ago. I’ve learned I don’t have the best choice in men so I’m going to continue to be single. I’ve been putting myself out there again though. Went back on this dating site. I think I’m ready to start over again. I guess we’ll see how that goes. 

My job is fantastic! I work in the business development center for a car dealership. I schedule appointments for the sales team, customer service, call customers about promotions the dealership has each month. I get commission whenever I schedule an appointment or sell a car. Last month was my first full month and I sold 17 cars. This month has been incredibly slow for car sales and I’m one at like 7 right now. I know it’s not me, people just aren’t buying. Next couple of months seem promising with follow ups and what not. 

Basically what I’m trying to say is….

It’s taken me a long time to get stable and establish myself somewhere so I’m finally conforming to society again. 

Speaking of work, I have to put my phone down and start getting ready for work. But I hope all my followers are still here and continue to follow my journey! 

Quick update

I just got the WordPress app working on my iPhone. What I wanted to say is I’ve been thinking a lot today about how I’ve alwayssss wanted a dog. I was never allowed to have one because my dad wouldn’t let me. But when I moved out last year, she’s the first thing I got. We’ve grown close over the past year. I’ve gotten to know her personality more, but I’ve also noticed why they call them mans best friend. LOYALTY. This dog is so loyal to me. So, I’m sure a lot of you have children, but my dog is my child. I always knew I never really wanted kids, turns out all I wanted was a dog. I’d be a horrible mother, but I’m a great dog mom. I say I’d be a bad mom because there’s a huge chance if I had a kid, they could end up like me. That’s one thing I don’t want to put someone through. Mental illnesses and addiction. Noooo way. I may never get married. But your animals are loyal and loving whether your single or not, if you have a mental illness or addiction. She can totally sense when I’m having a bad day, if I’m in pain, sick, going crazy. 

  
Don’t you just want to squish that face? I love having this app on my phone because I can blog a lot more often. On the go, more day to day adventures. I don’t have a job right now (will explain later, maybe) so there’s lots of time for cuddles, kisses and job hunting! 

  
I’ve applied for tons of jobs. All different types. I hope that by applying now, most companies are waiting until the beginning of the year to hire. So hello, happy new year, give me a new job! 

I am so excited to put this year behind me. I have wasted so much time and money being unhappy this year. I need to get my mojo back. And by mojo I mean my happiness. This, my happy place. I used to be so good at tuning out the bullshit and going inside my own space that I was just happy in. My little bubble. Was it all the drugs though? Guess I’ll have to find out by trying to get back my little happiness bubble. 

  

Admitting

I admitted to my family I need to go back to rehab and get psych treatment. Pain and shame. But I need to get me back. This is the most honest place I have. Some of you know me, some of you don’t. My loved ones have expressed some concerns over my mental health so I am going to seek help tomorrow. Under one condition. My dog is taken care of. She’s the only thing that gets me out of bed these days. She deserves better. I deserve better.

Exploring my music collection & life

As I mentioned I’m exploring my music collection out so I will be updating the songs I’m listening to. You can click on the links and they will open up the song in a new window in YouTube if you’re interested. 🙂 (Currently starting with New Found Glory, “Ballad for the Lost Romantics”)

So I am officially in a relationship with good. I feel really good about my decision to make a commitment to him, although it usually makes me want to do bad things when they’re not around. But he’s different and he takes care of me, as I mentioned. I don’t have any fears with him, he just does things for me without me even asking. It’s never like I did this for you, so you should do this for me. I think my perception of relationships is changing.

Mostly because I closed off emotionally for 7 years, then when I finally met someone, they were horrible to me and for me, I just got super close super quick. It’s like all the things I didn’t feel for 7 years came out in all the wrong ways, well more like on the wrong people. I’m not going backwards, I feel like making this change who is like a prince charming means I’m done with all the bad men. Putting their bullshit in a box, storing it on a shelf, and letting it be. I’m done with men hurting me and making me feel like a piece of shit, and getting in my head. I’m a good girl (hehe, kinda) and deserved to be treated right.

Nice guys were always too nice for me, so I could never be with one. Plus, I blog about all my mental illnesses so I feel like nice guys can’t handle how crazy I can be sometimes. It’s not my fucking fault.

That’s why I like blogging, and listening to music. It puts me in good spirits. (Currently listening to Maroon 5, “Can’t Stop”) I’m updating from 2 work stations and the big computer at the top has a huge hard drive with ALL my music starting from 2004 when I bought the computer. (Currently listening to La Roux, “Bulletproof”)

(Currently Listening to KT Tunstall, “Suddenly I see”) I just took my boo after basically kidnapping him for a couple days. I’m supposed to hang out with my girl whose out to eat with her man. She said she’s supposed to come back here but she might end up hanging out with him since they’re both kid-less, but I really hope she does want to hang. I’m in the mood since my boo left. It’s really great to live with my friend of 25 years. I know my blogs have been a little confusing because of how much stress I was under from moving but now that things are coming together.

(Currently listening to John Mayer, “Why Georgia”) Things are so much better than living at my old house and it’s not a piece of shit. I’m back in my home town where I know where everything is. Getting back to a comfort zone of some sorts. I haven’t moved very much so it was very stressful, especially doing it all by myself. I am not used to doing things on my own, despite being 29 years old. I very much rely on others for help and there was no one there to help me this time. I was doing everything by myself and had no motivation to do anything, but so much desire to get the fuck out of my old house.

(Currently listening to Franz Ferndinand, “Take Me out”) I am kind of in transition since I don’t know how long I’ll be living here, when I’ll get a job, what the fuck is going to happen with me, but I’m just taking things day by day. Living in the moment. Trying to be free and fearless, and not let my anxiety get the best of me.

(Currently listening to Eminem, “Drug Ballad”) Perfect time for a 4:20 break.

During my 420 break:

Buckcherry, “Lit up”
Blackstreet, “No Diggity”
Aerosmith, “Sweet Emotion”

It’s funny how certain people, like good, who is my BOYFRIEND *gasp* can just change us, and make us feel a certain way. Special, and good, and for the first time in my life I feel like I KNOW the other person cares about me. Their feelings are genuine, they don’t want anything out of me, other than me to be me. That’s a reassuring feeling. I have a friend who is in a relationship right now and feels completely under appreciated and taken for granted, and gets no affection whatsoever. She can’t live with him, or without him, she’s torn. But I told her if she’s not happy there are other men out there that you can be with that will make you feel totally happy.

(Currently listening to Britney Spears, “Piece of me”) Life is all about the pursuit of happiness, which is why I love that song so much. We only get one shot at this life, we there is no time for negativity and unhappiness. Live life to the fullest.

(Currently listening to Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Gold Lion”)
(Currently listening to TI, “What you know”)

Obviously I am more interested in my music at this point and I think just about all I came on the interwebz to say today. Enjoy my fuckery of a musical selection, yes, I know it’s all over the place, just like me 😉

You messed with the wrong girl

I hardly ever check my mail. However I was babysitting for my friend yesterday and when she came home she was going through her mail. So when I came home I decided to check my mail too. Well thank god I did because what did I find in my mail? A nice lovely eviction notice form my landlord. Yes that’s right, they want me out. It’s a “just cause” eviction too, meaning I didn’t do anything wrong, they just want me out. As soon as I opened it I just started laughing. I know this isn’t a typical response to an eviction notice, especially to someone who doesn’t have a job or any savings.

What I think these ass clowns don’t realize is that by evicting me they just started a war. Since I called the housing department at the end of March, that means the entire time I lived here since November the house wasn’t up to code. Translation: they weren’t allowed to collect rent. Second translation: I get all that money back. Third translation: Fuck you.

I could fight them and stick around here but I do NOT want to live in this house anymore. With all the problems I’ve had in the past, I don’t see it getting any better. Especially with the summer coming up, all the bugs, and how hot it’s going to get in here. (The winter was brutal with how cold it was in here, even with a new furnace!) I don’t want to have to deal with these slumlords anymore.

Normally I would be freaking out, but I have a backup solution. My very amazing best friend (the one I just wrote about in my last blog) has offered her entire basement up to me as a spot to live. Her brother used to live down there, so it’ll be perfect for me. The entire basement is open, but then there is a room that is closed off for a bedroom. So I’d be able to set up all my furniture that I have in my house now in the basement and then set up my bedroom too. We haven’t discussed payment or anything, but we’ll get into that later.

Her ex has until the end of the month to get the rest of his stuff out of the house so I can’t move my stuff in until the beginning of next month. They gave me until June 12 to move. She has an office that’s right down the street from where I live now, which also happens to have a shit ton of moving boxes. So what we devised a plan. I’m going to start using some of those boxes and start packing some stuff up here and store it at her warehouse/office. (I hate clutter so I don’t want to keep a bunch of boxes here) Then after the first of the month I can pack up the rest of the house, rent a moving truck and load up the house here, take it to the warehouse and load up there, then drive it to my new home and unload!

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we know the reason, sometimes we don’t know it right away, and sometimes we never know. But it’s quite possible that me getting kicked out of my dad’s house and forced to live in this piece of shit taught me a lesson. It taught me how to take care of myself, how to live alone and independently, and to grow the fuck up. It taught me that I don’t have to rely on my dad to go grocery shopping every weekend for food if I want to eat, I have to do that stuff. I have to clean the bathroom if it’s dirty, all these things that I should’ve learned a long time ago, but never did.

I feel like this place helped me grow up. Despite all the bullshit and disgusting shit I had to deal with here, it did do something for me. So when I said everything happens for a reason, getting thrown out of the house I lived in my entire life was a blessing in disguise.

Now I am just waiting to hear back from this attorney I contacted about getting all this back rent because legally I’m entitled to it. (Hence why I titled this blog you messed with the wrong girl.) Most of the other people who live in this neighborhood are all junkies. (This town has a baddddddddd heroin problem, which is why I am kind of glad I’m moving back to my old hometown) Junkies usually don’t go that route because they usually do something wrong in order to get evicted, or have something to hide, or even priors that would make them look bad in court. Guess what bitches? My record is clean, I’ve always paid my rent in full and on time, my checks have always cleared, and you have NOTHING ON ME. I have a LOT on you. Like how your maintenance man wouldn’t fix my house for MONTHS, until YOU told me to call the housing department myself because YOU (meaning my landlord) live in California and couldn’t really do much from there.

I did want to go a lot farther with this buttttttttttt a friend of mine works at a country club and she’s working today and told me to come up there for lunch, ON HER!!! Uh, duh. So I have to take a shower and stuff because I’m still in my jammies! Oh and the friend of mine that I’m speaking of is the cousin of my ex that I just had thrown in jail. Ironic. Whatever. My economics teacher was wrong when she said there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Suck it professor!

When you don’t know your next move….

I’m literally backed into a corner right now and fucked in every way possible. I don’t know where my next dollar is coming from. But since this is my happy place, and I try to maintain peace and happiness, I decided when you don’t know what your next move is, hug your pet and watch your ultimate favorite TV show that makes you laugh and the episodes never get old.

See examples below:

I have a lot of fucked up shit to deal with tomorrow that requires me to run all over this town, and a couple others. Money, my father, home repair, leaving the home, what the shit. Who cares, drowning it out with happiness.

Wacky World

I don’t really have anything to post about but considering I’m a little dazed, have ADHD, love to talk and type fast there will be a blog post somewhere.

SOOOOOOOO okay, I’m having construction done on my house and I have to use the last of my savings to put my current rent that’s due tomorrow in escrow until the house passes inspection on April 27. So I’ll have to buy myself sometime with that. I’m thinking I didn’t get the job I went after but I’m okay with it because it would require a lot of travel and I don’t know if it’s really what I wanted to do anyway. I can still collect my unemployment and waitress in the mean time while I look for something else. Which is what I think I’m going to do.

Also, today is opening day for the Detroit Tigers and I wish I was downtown because it’s like a fucking party. Even if you’re not at the game, its a fucking party all over downtown today! UGH so much fun! I should take a shower and just get all pretty with my D gear on. Ah, fuck it might as well. What else have I got to do? I’m going to… and watch the game. Create my own experience.

Tomorrow they’re doing some chemical treatments on the house and me and the pooch can’t be here. My mom agreed to work from home so that we would have somewhere to go. Maizy loves having me here. She wants to be around me all the time. It’s so cute. She is so presh. She’s cuddling in bed with me right now.

Eh well okay I’m going to take a shower and get my game day experience on. I should clean too but yeah, no. I’m going to apply for jobs as well. I don’t overwhelm myself and apply for everything. I apply for like 3-4 on each website a day, and keep a log of what I apply for so that when I get a call or email back, I can make sure it’s something I actually applied for and not some BS.

Blahhhhhhhh, I am toooooooooo lazy for anything right now……or lazy really isn’t the word but you know.

Update 3:41 PM TIGERS BEAT THE TWINS 4-0 ON OPENING DAY! TIGERS FTW!

Update 5:50 PM Okay I’m putting this out there. I’ve been waiting to hear back from someone I shouldn’t. It’s like you know you should stay away, but for some reason you can’t. You just go back for more. In two situations now that I think about it. Why do I always go after the wrong things? The wrong people? The wrong MEN. Mostly because I think my perspective of men is completely fucked up, and that is a whole other can of worms that we can even get into right now. I’m going to be around my friend right now because she needs a friend and I do too. I can’t sit around and wait for someone who I know is just going to hurt me.

Update 8:38 PM being around people helps. I got some grocery shopping done even though I feel like every dollar coming out of my pocket hurts me. Rawr. I need to put my energy elsewhere I guess. 

What an amazing feeling

My mom took me shopping last night because dress pants I have, (in every color too) and most of my blazers all don’t fit me. It wasn’t too long ago we bought a lot of this stuff because nothing else fit because I had gained too much weight. Anyway, I didn’t want to brag because really this post is really like my online journal. There were a few problems with my real journals. 1, I had a hand injury from a car accident so writing hurts like a bitch and 2, I hardly ever go back and read what I write (just basic proof reading) but if I I put it out there on the internet world with other bloggers using tags and other shit, then it can help someone. There’s other like us. SO ANYWAY. /rant hehe

I got a pair of some killer black pants and the same ones in grey, or is it gray, Whatever. Then I got this smashing blazer with that’s a 3/4 sleeve, but the button was missing. The button wouldn’t have fit over my big ass boobs anyway, but I got 50% off on it. Let’s see, I also got a basic black pencil skirt which is pretty nice cause you can day it from day wear to night wear (it’s stretchy so if you just pulled it up to make it super short and slutty it would stay.) My mom also insisted I get this black and grey leopard dress. I thought it was ugly as hell but once I tried it on it was totally cute. It’s a wrap dress too. (I should be taking pictures but I am also applying for jobs. SUE ME)

THEN they had some summer dresses they had pulled out, marked down, and ticketed limited quantity. So to my surprise I fit into a much smaller size (the only one available too) and I can’t even begin to tell you how good that felt. I didn’t even know what pants size to pick out. I started a size under what I thought and just kept going down. I have been SO SELF CONSCIOUS of my body and the weight gain that this stupid bipolar medication did to me. It like killed my spirit, because who wants to be happy when they’re over weight, they really can’t control it, they want to hide all the time, and they KNOW IT’S ALL ANYONE EVER SAYS WHEN THEIR NAME COMES UP. Come on, I’m shallow and I’ve done it, don’t say you haven’t too, because you’re either lying or you’re this guy:

It feels good to be a clothes whore again, even though I am flat fucking broke without a job. LOTS OF JOB PROSPECTS. But still, I can look at something and think I can’t buy that because I can’t wear it because you can’t wear shit like that anymore because you’re bipolar and the meds they have you on made you gain so much weight. UGH. I have been researching getting more involved with mental illness awareness because there is SUCH a stigma involved with it.

After being diagnosed as bipolar, my doctor just kept increasing my meds, just more, and more, and more, and more. Never asked how I was doing or anything. She ultimately made me WORSE. Put me into a BIGGER depression. Yeah I took the meds, but you just kept giving me more, and that’s not what I needed.

The circumstances that lead me to my doctor now are pretty fucked up and I really don’t think I want to talk about that on here but what he isn’t is a pill pusher. I feel like every doctor in the private mental health world is a pill pusher. And hey, I know how it works too. I worked in a medical office for 3 years, I know about the deals they make with the drug companies, and how they wine & dine them to push their drugs. I use to schedule the appointments with the drug reps to meet with the doctors. They had to get through ME. So they used to butter me up. So it’s all bull shit in the private practice, which is why I’m glad I ended up on the state level.

My ADHD is kicking into OVERLOAD right now. I’ve done 2398508 things today already and still have more to come. My post originally was just about how proud I am of myself for overcoming the depression I had over everything, and then over the weight gain and found a way to be strong and do something about it. Because for SO LONG I talked about doing something about it. I would even make the effort for a couple of weeks to do something about it, but then give up hope. Not that I didn’t care, but I can’t explain it. I guess other people who struggle with mental illness can maybe understand that emptiness inside?

I can’t say I wasn’t somewhat motivated because I’ve always had a job. The longest I haven’t had a job was 4 months and there was a lot of fuccccccccckkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeedddddddddd up shit that happened then so I needed like a mental break. But as soon as I made a call to an old pal, I got an interview for the job I just got fired from.

So the medication and my old doctor was definitely disabling me from moving forward for uhhhhhhh 4 years, almost 5. My doctor said I have a CLEAR malpractice suit, but for what? Still ADHD is kicking in.

Oh yeah, so I lost weight, and I’m really happy for the summer. I did manage to take 2 pics last night of these dresses. On sale! Limited quantities. I know we were looking for business gear but uhhhhhhh, what can I say we’re shopaholics.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Another Birthday Wishlist

Since yesterday was once month until my 29th birthday, I was inspired by lack of sleep and back pain to go online and find somethings I want for my birthday. The stuff I posted before was a little over priced so hopefully when I pass this along to you (my actual friends who read that will hopefully be attending my party and want to bring gifts) as well as my family, they will say these are a little bit more reasonable than a $100 print of a balloon animal skeleton.

More birthday wishlist items. These are more reasonably priced than the others.

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/mars-attacks-leggings – I want these SO BADDDDD

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/wonder-woman-bikini – I need a new bathing suit this year too because I have lost weight

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/rainbow-light-projector

 

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/donut-pool-float

(I do have a pool at my dad’s house where this could be utilized, along with my inflatable pretzel)

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/giant-ice-cream-cone-lamp

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/starry-night-projector

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/pac-man-stained-glass-lamp

 http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/hologram-bandage-dress

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/reptar-hoodie

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/tie-dye-psychedelic-socks

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/diy-rainbow-led-shoes

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/middle-finger-snowglobe

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/nerds-dress

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/black-cat-stockings

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/creepy-unicorn-mask

 

Don’t even tell me for a second none of this shit is cool as fuck and that you can’t imagine me rocking this shit all over town?

I’m loving this so hard right now





Sunroof open, sun shining, blue sky, 50 degrees. I’m soaking this in. Also, in Michigan (and maybe other places do too) the first nice day we’re all like OMG LETS TAKE OUR COATS OFF AND OPEN THE SUNROOF HALF WAY! (me) Other Michiganders have their own version of this. I’ll leave you with this awesome pic that is a reminder SPRING IS COMING! 



Update: I’m going disc golfing!