Lets try positivity!

This speaks to me

  

I think that’s what I’ve been doing for the last I don’t know how many years. Not just hide a love, but hide love all together. So all I did was lie. I never said the word love, but I never allowed it into my life in general. When I saw it staring at me right in front of my eyes and I knew it was there, I lied about how I felt. So I must not looked into any of the men’s eyes I’ve had in my life in the last few years. I didn’t have love, want love, or felt deserving of love. But now that I’m in a place where I COULD love someone, how long do I hold it in? How long does it take for me okay to love? Am I Just a big fat liar for letting these men come into my life thinking they might, just might have a shot at breaking me? 

I’m typically an honest person except when it comes to this subject. That’s how things just are right now for me. I was so cut off from emotions of any kind for years and the first man I allow into my life just came in and ruined it. My heart that is. I don’t think bandaids work. 

I want a person who is good and true, and while I have that, I feel like it’s too much. Then on the other hand I have someone who I know is the wrong person for me, but we understand each other. It’s hard to explain. 

Quotes. Ughhhh you always make me think hard core. 

Deep conversation

Okay so I am a little tipsy/dazed, but I just had a really good, honest deep conversation about life with a old friend from the past who I recently got back in touch with. I wasn’t expecting that, but damn, don’t deep conversations just rock your world sometimes? I feel like it just did with me. I was very influential in this person’s life even though I have been out of it for a while. But we did meet each other under very weird circumstances in a place where you’re vulnerable as fuck. When someone sees that side of you, the side that is raw and real, you just kind of click. We’re able to talk about everything together. Things that haven’t come up in a long ass time. I don’t know, it’s almost like another form of therapy for me. I just got off the phone and wanted to blog about this feeling. Being open to someone, but not feeling vulnerable and judged, but there was once this like unspoken things between us. I don’t feel like I’m going to get hurt because there’s no pressure, and right now we’re just there for each other. It’s weird. I don’t really know what’s happening. I am going to be super careful though. I will not go out of my way for shit. That’s all I’m saying, and not to say it’s even going there, but still. If something were to happen, that’s a huge danger zone so I can’t even get think like that. Just one step, and friendship is all that this is right now. Okay, off the internet machine. I’m watching this in hopes of passing out, despite not being tired. I’m wired as fuck, in a manic state with my bipolar.