Love

Who says you have to be IN love to have love? I’m surrounded by love every single day. Maybe not in the way I want it, but I’m getting there. Being around these kids that love and look up to me so much makes me realize you can find love in a hopeless place. I have. I’m winning the fight. I know this blog is my happy place, and lately it hasn’t been to happy. But, I haven’t been too happy lately. Now, I’m happy. I feel like I’m on the right track. Or some track at least. I haven’t been on track in a long time. I’ve been lost in a chaotic space for far too long, and I’m back bitches.

I have been feeling good spiritually, which helps. I went to my old home today and donated all my exes stuff. It’s going to go to people who actually want it, and need it, and not use my old home as a storage facility. These were our last ties, and I tried to be nice and give it to his family, and they blew me off, so that’s it. Bye bye. Not feeling any guilt or resentment over it. All the things he did to me, and how he did me so wrong. I felt like a fool for actually wanting him back for a half second despite all the horrible things he did to me and in life in general.

I’m glad I’ve grown into myself, and back into the dating world. It’s pretty scary when you cut yourself off emotionally from everyone for so long, then you try to love again. You have blinders on for sure. I knew I was going down and dark and dangerous path, but you get sucked in. Their games get me. But I got smart. Much like this.

You’re in jail, I’m in not. When you get out of jail, you’ll still be on a shit load of tight ass probation which you fucked up last time within 2 months. Oh, and and alcohol tether will be real nice for an alcoholic. It feels good to have those problems not be my problems anymore. Adios. Rot in your misery. I wish you well, but bad people like you never get better because they don’t want to. Bye bye. Later hater.

But back to love. I feel like I’m incapable of real love. I keep going back and forth between two of the most different men possible. I can’t choose. I like the nice guy, he gives me what I want, what I deserve, tells me what I want, and not because he wants to get in my pants. He’s generous, sincere, kind hearted, and true, all the way through. On the other hand I have my kind of ex, but we were friends for a long time. We argue about stupid things, but we relate to each other on a different level that most can’t understand. He does things for me too. I guess I’m conflicted because I’m used to getting hurt, that if anyone is going to hurt, I guess I’ll be doing the hurting?

No, I’m too nice of a person to be like that. So I’ll make a decision. One knows about the other. The other does not, and would probably die if he found out. I’m keeping my options option. That’s it. I’m a single woman and entitled to do so.

But you don’t to have an actual boyfriend, girlfriend or partner to have love. Love is everywhere. Love is waking up with a smile and getting out of bed in the morning when you used to lay in bed all day depressed. Love is having little kids wanting to spend every waking minute with you because they think you’re the coolest and you’re their best friend. (because technically you’re not their aunt) Love is being able to help someone who needs help out, and asking for nothing in return. We do find it in hopeless places. Maybe because we feel hopeless, and not capable of love. But we all are. No matter your depression, your mental illness, whatever is dragging you down. Find love in that god damn pudding you want to eat but haven’t because you’re worried about calories. FUCK IT. Love is everywhere, we have to find it any make it ours, claim it, and call it love.

If you have days like I had, remember, there’s beauty in you too. You are beautiful. Inside and outside. Love yourself for who you are. We have one life to live, embrace it. You are a beautiful individual and you should embrace it.

I hope this is a little bit back to the happy place my blog once was. The Calvin Harris and House station on Pandora always get me inspired to write. Hence where the song and this blog came from. Please feel free to share or subscribe to my blog. My goal is to raise awareness about mental illness, so if you, or someone you know struggles with one, or you think might have one, please, send them my blog. I live with this everyday. It’s a bitch. But if I can go through it everyday, I believe most can. All it takes is a little bit of this, which my blog has given some people…

Enjoy your almost weekend bitches! ❤ Enjoy the song and the blog and hopefully you’ll find love in a hopeless place.

Offically 29!

It’s currently 12:09 AM on the east coast, and the current date is Wednesday, April 29. This means it is officially my birthday!

I was a little depressed earlier because the only plans I have on my birthday so far is to go to the dealership body shop to get an estimate on the damages on my car. Wooooo! Kind of funny how 2 years ago I was celebrating my birthday in Arizona and the day after my birthday I came home and picked up that car for the first time.

Instead of staying in a shitty mood I decided to put up all the pink streamers that were sent to me from a friend. They’re supposed to be for my birthday party but, I wanted my house to look pretty for my actual birthday too. I’m lazy as hell right now otherwise I’d snap some pics. I will definitely be blogging tomorrow about how my birthday went, Hopefully it goes great

I’m putting a lot of pressure of myself this year since it’s my “golden birthday” and all and this is supposed to be the best year of my life. So, I really want it to be! I want new experiences, new adventures, try new things, meet new people, expand my horizon I guess you could say.

Like I said I will post more later after I enjoy my entire birthday day. I’m going to try and get some sleep so I can wake up early and enjoy my birthday to the fullest extent!

MondayyyYyyyYyy

It doesn’t feel like Monday when you don’t have a job. It’s just like any other fucking day. If you have read some of my previous posts you’ll know that I absolutely hate Monday’s. If you do a Google image search for “fuck Monday memes” you will be LOL for sure. That’s how I used to TRY to get in a good mood for work on Monday mornings, just have a quick LOL at some of those memes and go on with my shitty ass day. Like this image for example….this can easily make you smile even for a hot second on a shitty Monday. It’s a cute kitty getting drunk because he/she hates Monday’s too. It’s a national crisis.

So I posted last night/this morning that I was going to be productive. I am happy to report that the time is currently 5:40 PM and I did get somethings checked off my list. First, you’ll have to know that because I am bipolar and unemployed, I consider getting out of bed and taking a shower as productive. Actually getting dressed after that shower, putting on makeup, and wearing something other than PJ’s is super productive for me. So I’ve already done all of those things today. (I slacked a little bit and didn’t style my hair.) This may sound stupid as fuck to someone who doesn’t understand being bipolar, but anyone who has it or truly understand it and knows my situation knows how hard it is to overcome small challenges like getting out of bed when you have no reason to. It really pisses me off when people use the phrase “you’re so bipolar” as an insult. Not to me, just in general. It should piss off anyone who is bipolar really.

I am doing this blog most importantly for myself and my own issues, and if by other people reading it using the tags of bipolar, or mental illness, or whatever read it, and it helps them too, then that’s even better. I struggled with the isolation of being bipolar for years, and I knew it wasn’t ME and I didn’t want to feel that way, but I also didn’t know what to do. I finally got a really good doctor who listens and understands my concerns about medication and diagnosis. Being positive and maintaining the positive attitude has really been helping me maintain my bipolar disorder throughout these last few weeks. I really like this quote because it’s true. Having this mental illness has taught me that I can overcome any challenge, and also not to let things get stuck in my head and give me negative energy. If I do let things get stuck in my head, I get pulled way the fuck down and it’s so hard to climb out of that. This blog really does help me channel all my thoughts and release them from my head.

Anyway, I got a package this morning at 9 AM and I don’t have a doorbell but Maizy is a great improviser. I’ve never seen how crazy she gets when a delivery man comes to the door since I’m usually at work. She went fucking crazy, which is why I woke up in the first place and actually signed for the package. Anyway, I splurged a little bit with some leftover tax money and purchased myself a new pipe. But not just any pipe, a cupcake one! Thank you to Chameleon Glass for the pipe, case, grinder, storage container, lighter, sticker and candy they sent along with my pipe. It’s my first time ordering with them, but it won’t be my last. They were super fast, excellent customer service, and provided me with tracking information as soon as it was available. So here it is!!!!!!!

I also got in touch with the unemployment office today. They told me they would release my first payment today, and I should have it in my bank account in a few days. I shouldn’t have had to call in the first place, it should have been done automatically. Of course, it wasn’t….so I had to get on their asses and take care of business myself. I have to certify again on Monday for the last 2 weeks, and then it should release a couple days after that. I got a notice from the unemployment office last week that said my employer never responded to the paperwork they sent over as to why I was terminated, and so by default I automatically get unemployment.

I also reached out to my former boss and told him I tried contacting HR regarding getting reimbursed for the wages they took out of my last paycheck for insurance. Basically in my email to my former boss I said hey, I know this isn’t your job, but can you please get the fuck on the person who is so we can be done with this already? Shortly after I emailed him I got a response back from HR. She told me she was out of the office sometime when I sent her the email and it had gotten pushed down in her inbox and she lost track of it and never followed up. She didn’t really have an answer as to when I’d get my money back, hopefully this week. She said she would have a better idea once payroll is finished and that I should email her on Thursday to get more information. I made sure I put 2 reminder notices on my iPhone calendar to follow up Thursday. I want every last dollar I can possibly get out of that place.

When I checked the mail today I got a letter stating that I was accepted for Medicaid. So I have health insurance. YAY! I also got another letter from the state saying they needed more information from me in order to qualify me for food assistance. I got the paperwork today, and they needed to receive it today. I called at 4:30 and left a message and said hey dudes, I just got this today, and there’s no way I can get this information to you today. So hopefully they’ll return my call tomorrow and allow me to have extra time.

I also got in touch with someone I used to be a server with. He recently moved into the area and is serving at one of my favorite Italian restaurants out here and said he makes bank. He is going to try and get me some part time work up there so I can get cash, and my unemployment. It’s temporary. I definitely do not want to be a server for very long, I enjoy office work too much. (That was my back handed way of saying I’d rather be lazy and sit at a desk than actually work on my feet!)

Well, now I guess I’m having some company. Someone I haven’t seen in a while. I’m glad I did my makeup today….I just wish I would’ve done my hair so I could look my absolute best, but whatever. I think I look decent. Pale, but decent. More bronzer. Definitely more bronzer. I will post about how this rendezvous goes.

If you had a shitty Monday, don’t forget my trick to instant LOL’s on Monday! (Google image search fuck monday memes)

P.S.– The countdown is officially on!!!

Sunday clarity

I woke up with a clear head this morning of what I need to do in order to move on with my life. Just simple, move on. Put the past in the past, life is a gift, which is why it’s called the present. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s so true. I am tired of being hurt, then feeling sorry for myself. It’s just time to pick up and move the fuck on. I have to have faith that in the end this thing called KARMA will catch up to those that deserve it.

I’m smart, pretty, fun, with a good sense of humor, and I will always be ME. I have been feeling a lot more confident with myself, and my weight loss too, and I should embrace that. I shouldn’t feel like shit over something that happened in the past, and how totally fucked up and wrong it was on the other persons part. I need to stop trying to get into the other persons head. I’ll drive myself crazy trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. They’re just wrong. I can’t justify something wrong into something right in my head.

I’m not the same person I was even a year ago. I was still really depressed over my weight gain, I didn’t feel pretty or confident. I didn’t want to go out or be seen, I didn’t want to go shopping to do anything to make myself seem attractive because I didn’t feel like it at all. Now I feel totally different, and I should celebrate my looks, embrace my life.

That’s right! 17 more days until April 29 in which I will be turning 29 years old. My golden birthday! (Your golden birthday is supposed to be your lucky year, when you turn your age on your birthdate.) I just have a lot of change going on right now in my life and it’s hard. I need a new job, a new man, new men, money, and just to be happy and carefee again. People like me, you wouldn’t ever think it’s hard for someone like me to open up, because I am (obviously) a very open book, but I don’t like NEW. I knew that I did need a new job however because I did NOT like the way things were going at my old job, the people, the stupid everyday bullshit, the unfairness, the pure disgust I have for other employees. Yeah. I’m glad I’m out. Other than for financial reasons.

I want to scream, cry, laugh, hide, run, play, all these different emotions at once. Some parts of my life I am totally content with, and right now I don’t know how I’m getting food, or my next rent check, or any of the other numerous bills that are stacking up right now, however I am taking it one fucking day at a time.

Anything further than that is too much. Even talking about this right now is starting to make me a little panic-y. Next subject.

I haven’t done laundry in about 2 weeks so later on I’m going to mosey on over to my mom’s house and get that done. I don’t know what else we’ll get into while I’m there but it’s always a blast, even if it’s a lazy Sunday doing laundry hanging out with our dogs. I’m glad I have a good relationship with my mom. ❤ It’s good to remind myself of all the GOOD things I have going on right now. Positive mindset.

Also, tonight is the premiere of the 7th and FINAL season of Nurse Jackie! I am so excited it’s back! I went back and caught up on the entire show in anticipation for the final season. I can’t wait to see how they spin this.

Tune in tonight at 9 PM! If you don’t have Showtime they’re offering a free week this week. (At least for Comcast subscribers) Also, don’t I have the cutest dog ever???