Blahhh

My dog decided to jump on my bed at 4:00 this morning. She thought it was time to wake up and play. This is not what I wanted when I have a 10 hour work day ahead of me. Oh Maizy, you’re so crazy. 

Nothing really new has been going on with me. I decided to meet a guy off a dating site. He was nice, but I don’t think it’s going to work out. We might hang out this weekend, I’m not sure. This weekend my dad is going out of town so I’ll have the house to myself. Thank god. Sometimes it’s just so nice to be home alone. 

I need to start working on saving my money. After my dad blowing up at me yesterday like I’m 12 years old again, I’ve realized I need to get a game plan in order so I can move out. I can’t stand living here anymore and unless I start planning and saving, it’s not going to happen. I need to start making more money. 

I wish I still had my old place. Even with all the shitty things I had to deal with, at least I had my own place. Somewhere I could go and do whatever I wanted. However, thats how I fell off track and got into drugs pretty badly. Maybe I’m not ready to live on my own again. I don’t have much impulse control. 

I have been really responsible about making sure I take my Meds again. I’ve been staying on a pretty regular schedule as far as sleep goes. Except for today because my dog woke me up. That little stinker.

Also, at work yesterday we were doing our fall schedule. I got suckered into working every Saturday and having Friday’s off. I’m indifferent about it right now. I know it’ll be fine for a while but I’m not sure how much I’ll like it later. I told them I want at least 1 Saturday off a month. That’s the deal. My coworker was so happy I decided to do it so he didn’t have to. I feel like it’s whatever. I’ll do it until I don’t want to anymore. Saturday’s are a pretty easy day. I get to take all the leads, all the phone calls. Plus my boss isn’t there. Also, FREE FOOD. 

Plus I only work with one other person and they leave an hour before I do. My last hour of work I usually just watch Netflix. That’s what I did yesterday too. Since it was the last day of the month, no one called, they all just came in. If you’re in the market for a new vehicle, the closer to the end of the month the better. I call people with incentives and as the year goes on, the incentives get better and better as well. Just a handy tip! 

Ahhh im so hungry and I’m broke as a joke. The only thing I can afford today is a pack of smokes and a Gatorade. I’ve actually cut back on pop and only drink diet Gatorade now. My Meds usually make me super thirsty so I need to make sure I have something tasty to drink at all times. Plus, pop goes warm and doesn’t taste good. I can have a Gatorade on my desk all day and it still tastes just as good. 

Anyway, I think I’m going to end here. (So cute, Maizy just heard a doorbell on tv and went to the window and is barking. Good guard doggy!) Like I said, nothing too interesting going on with me right now. Have a good almost Friday everyone! 

Life update

I don’t know why I haven’t been updating because it’s not like I don’t have time. Maybe it’s right now I’m kind of ashamed of what’s going on which is nothing. I’m isolating like a mother fucker, even from my blog and that’s kind of sad.

I’ve been trying to go on job interviews. Some I have been blowing off because in my head in get too psyched out. Some I have been going on, and when I think it goes really well it doesn’t. Then I think back about how I used to use drugs and I thought I was doing so well at acting straight, but I was really so fucked up. Am I really doing a good job? I had a few fumbles on this last one where I couldn’t think of the word, which was constructive  criticism. Oh well, people get nervous and they forget things. I’m just going to hope it goes well.

I feel like it’s the same thing, I have to wake up, take my meds to feel normal, and I feel like I’m supposed to feel some sort of way, but I still don’t. I have things on the calendar that I try to get out of just so I can avoid leaving the house, and that’s pretty bad at this point. When did my life become to this? I need to pick myself above this and just rise above the negative downward spiral my life has become.

I could sit here and just feel sorry for myself which is what I’ve been doing and I need to get myself together after this last mess I created. I’m just reflecting back after how long it’s been since I’ve been consistently at a job, and they brought that up too. I’ve been a slacker for way too long. I need to get back into the game. I have gotten myself on somewhat of a routine. I think that’s starting to help me. I need to get a little bit of exercise in here.

The good thing is I did finally rid myself of the evil men in my life. I made sure that neither one of them never wanted to talk to me ever again, including evil. Even though that really hurts because I thought there was a lot of lost love there, I realized that I’m over him because I can’t love him to death. That’s what it means. He’s never going to get out of his addiction, he’s still in it. Yeah I fucked him over, maybe because I was in worse, I don’t know, but I chose to get out, so I had to choose to let go of him too. Maybe it’s how he worded it, but I just have to let it go.

The other asshole, and this is right around the time we were having fun last year, and that brings up memories, well, he’s just a user too. He will never be good enough for me. BYE.

Now that that’s out of the way. I’m supposed to see my hottie hand doctor today. My hand is healing nicely, I got my cast off a week early because I hit it on something and I got water in it. Whatever, anyway the nail came off the other day. I kinda ripped it off, it would be way more disgusting if it was someone else’s but since it was mine I just tore it right off. I will spare you details….and photos.

 

My Struggles.

So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.

I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!

 I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.

(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)

You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.

Before:

After:

Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.

Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.

It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.

I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.

I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!

I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.

WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo

Back on meds

I’ve been off my meds for a while so I’m trying to go back on them. Anyone our there who takes anything for mental illness knows it’s an adjustment for your body. So I’ve been sick for the last week trying to go back on them. I know it’s a short term problem and the long term effect will be good but it sucks right now. But if I want to get my life on track, this is how to start. I can’t let my life gall completely apart before I wait to fix it.