BOOM MIND BLOWN

I am shortly going to be seen on Reddit.com!!!!!!!!!! Mind blown!!!!!!! Way to grow!!!!!!! Mental illness awareness to the fullest guys!

Love

Who says you have to be IN love to have love? I’m surrounded by love every single day. Maybe not in the way I want it, but I’m getting there. Being around these kids that love and look up to me so much makes me realize you can find love in a hopeless place. I have. I’m winning the fight. I know this blog is my happy place, and lately it hasn’t been to happy. But, I haven’t been too happy lately. Now, I’m happy. I feel like I’m on the right track. Or some track at least. I haven’t been on track in a long time. I’ve been lost in a chaotic space for far too long, and I’m back bitches.

I have been feeling good spiritually, which helps. I went to my old home today and donated all my exes stuff. It’s going to go to people who actually want it, and need it, and not use my old home as a storage facility. These were our last ties, and I tried to be nice and give it to his family, and they blew me off, so that’s it. Bye bye. Not feeling any guilt or resentment over it. All the things he did to me, and how he did me so wrong. I felt like a fool for actually wanting him back for a half second despite all the horrible things he did to me and in life in general.

I’m glad I’ve grown into myself, and back into the dating world. It’s pretty scary when you cut yourself off emotionally from everyone for so long, then you try to love again. You have blinders on for sure. I knew I was going down and dark and dangerous path, but you get sucked in. Their games get me. But I got smart. Much like this.

You’re in jail, I’m in not. When you get out of jail, you’ll still be on a shit load of tight ass probation which you fucked up last time within 2 months. Oh, and and alcohol tether will be real nice for an alcoholic. It feels good to have those problems not be my problems anymore. Adios. Rot in your misery. I wish you well, but bad people like you never get better because they don’t want to. Bye bye. Later hater.

But back to love. I feel like I’m incapable of real love. I keep going back and forth between two of the most different men possible. I can’t choose. I like the nice guy, he gives me what I want, what I deserve, tells me what I want, and not because he wants to get in my pants. He’s generous, sincere, kind hearted, and true, all the way through. On the other hand I have my kind of ex, but we were friends for a long time. We argue about stupid things, but we relate to each other on a different level that most can’t understand. He does things for me too. I guess I’m conflicted because I’m used to getting hurt, that if anyone is going to hurt, I guess I’ll be doing the hurting?

No, I’m too nice of a person to be like that. So I’ll make a decision. One knows about the other. The other does not, and would probably die if he found out. I’m keeping my options option. That’s it. I’m a single woman and entitled to do so.

But you don’t to have an actual boyfriend, girlfriend or partner to have love. Love is everywhere. Love is waking up with a smile and getting out of bed in the morning when you used to lay in bed all day depressed. Love is having little kids wanting to spend every waking minute with you because they think you’re the coolest and you’re their best friend. (because technically you’re not their aunt) Love is being able to help someone who needs help out, and asking for nothing in return. We do find it in hopeless places. Maybe because we feel hopeless, and not capable of love. But we all are. No matter your depression, your mental illness, whatever is dragging you down. Find love in that god damn pudding you want to eat but haven’t because you’re worried about calories. FUCK IT. Love is everywhere, we have to find it any make it ours, claim it, and call it love.

If you have days like I had, remember, there’s beauty in you too. You are beautiful. Inside and outside. Love yourself for who you are. We have one life to live, embrace it. You are a beautiful individual and you should embrace it.

I hope this is a little bit back to the happy place my blog once was. The Calvin Harris and House station on Pandora always get me inspired to write. Hence where the song and this blog came from. Please feel free to share or subscribe to my blog. My goal is to raise awareness about mental illness, so if you, or someone you know struggles with one, or you think might have one, please, send them my blog. I live with this everyday. It’s a bitch. But if I can go through it everyday, I believe most can. All it takes is a little bit of this, which my blog has given some people…

Enjoy your almost weekend bitches! ❤ Enjoy the song and the blog and hopefully you’ll find love in a hopeless place.

Off to a good start. I think it’s my wardrobe

I had my third interview today. I dazzle them with my personality. I was surprised they quizzed me on shit they talked to me about during my second interview which was going out in the field and doing a product launch. There is a lot of growth in the company. Although to learn the position Id ultimately be getting Id have to start at the bottom doing product launches which would require me to do driving to a bunch of different cities. Compensation for gas.

But I’m feeling great and it has to do with my amazing professional wardrobe. I have in this pink and reddish wrap dress with a feather print, bling now necklace, jet black tights and my Herman Munster shoes. I’m in the parking lot of the Michigan works office waiting for a call back so I’ll take some half ass pics. Oh and this pink satin coat is amazing. So many compliments.

Coat (it’s full length)

 

Pattern of the dress. I’ll try and update later with a selfie cause it’s worth it.

 

Herman Munster shoes. My mom says they look like the ones he wears on the show. I googled it before when she told me and she’s right. I’m not on wifi so this is taking forever so you can google that yourself.

Then here’s me with my cutie necklace and new aviators! I’m pissed about my hair though, it could be better

More clothing update!!!!!!!!!! 6:32 PM

Now I am out of my interview clothes because:

1. Why would I continue to look super cute when everyone has plans tonight except for me, so there’s ZERO point in looking cute or dressing up.

2. The porch was wet because it rained today and I fell in my heels RIGHT as I got home.

3. Leisure mode. See picture for reference:

 

Let me just add this in there that NOT having a job is actually more work then having one. You have to run around to all these places and constantly interview and whore yourself out there. Stay in touch with old business contacts and schmooze with them to get a hook up or two there. Not only that, but you have to go to the unemployment office and basically get a fucking stamp. Also, I have a social worker who I had to drive on the OTHER side of town (yeah, did I mention all the places I’ve been going to are not local) to help me file my paperwork for Medicaid, food and cash assistance. I mostly care about Medicaid so I can get my meds filled. The food would be nice too. As far as cash, ehhhh wellllll uhhhh yeah of course that’d be nice but I’ve got some side things lined up right now so I know my job is going to dick around with me on unemployment so I’m just going to be a dick back. I think I’ll be cool.

 

What an amazing feeling

My mom took me shopping last night because dress pants I have, (in every color too) and most of my blazers all don’t fit me. It wasn’t too long ago we bought a lot of this stuff because nothing else fit because I had gained too much weight. Anyway, I didn’t want to brag because really this post is really like my online journal. There were a few problems with my real journals. 1, I had a hand injury from a car accident so writing hurts like a bitch and 2, I hardly ever go back and read what I write (just basic proof reading) but if I I put it out there on the internet world with other bloggers using tags and other shit, then it can help someone. There’s other like us. SO ANYWAY. /rant hehe

I got a pair of some killer black pants and the same ones in grey, or is it gray, Whatever. Then I got this smashing blazer with that’s a 3/4 sleeve, but the button was missing. The button wouldn’t have fit over my big ass boobs anyway, but I got 50% off on it. Let’s see, I also got a basic black pencil skirt which is pretty nice cause you can day it from day wear to night wear (it’s stretchy so if you just pulled it up to make it super short and slutty it would stay.) My mom also insisted I get this black and grey leopard dress. I thought it was ugly as hell but once I tried it on it was totally cute. It’s a wrap dress too. (I should be taking pictures but I am also applying for jobs. SUE ME)

THEN they had some summer dresses they had pulled out, marked down, and ticketed limited quantity. So to my surprise I fit into a much smaller size (the only one available too) and I can’t even begin to tell you how good that felt. I didn’t even know what pants size to pick out. I started a size under what I thought and just kept going down. I have been SO SELF CONSCIOUS of my body and the weight gain that this stupid bipolar medication did to me. It like killed my spirit, because who wants to be happy when they’re over weight, they really can’t control it, they want to hide all the time, and they KNOW IT’S ALL ANYONE EVER SAYS WHEN THEIR NAME COMES UP. Come on, I’m shallow and I’ve done it, don’t say you haven’t too, because you’re either lying or you’re this guy:

It feels good to be a clothes whore again, even though I am flat fucking broke without a job. LOTS OF JOB PROSPECTS. But still, I can look at something and think I can’t buy that because I can’t wear it because you can’t wear shit like that anymore because you’re bipolar and the meds they have you on made you gain so much weight. UGH. I have been researching getting more involved with mental illness awareness because there is SUCH a stigma involved with it.

After being diagnosed as bipolar, my doctor just kept increasing my meds, just more, and more, and more, and more. Never asked how I was doing or anything. She ultimately made me WORSE. Put me into a BIGGER depression. Yeah I took the meds, but you just kept giving me more, and that’s not what I needed.

The circumstances that lead me to my doctor now are pretty fucked up and I really don’t think I want to talk about that on here but what he isn’t is a pill pusher. I feel like every doctor in the private mental health world is a pill pusher. And hey, I know how it works too. I worked in a medical office for 3 years, I know about the deals they make with the drug companies, and how they wine & dine them to push their drugs. I use to schedule the appointments with the drug reps to meet with the doctors. They had to get through ME. So they used to butter me up. So it’s all bull shit in the private practice, which is why I’m glad I ended up on the state level.

My ADHD is kicking into OVERLOAD right now. I’ve done 2398508 things today already and still have more to come. My post originally was just about how proud I am of myself for overcoming the depression I had over everything, and then over the weight gain and found a way to be strong and do something about it. Because for SO LONG I talked about doing something about it. I would even make the effort for a couple of weeks to do something about it, but then give up hope. Not that I didn’t care, but I can’t explain it. I guess other people who struggle with mental illness can maybe understand that emptiness inside?

I can’t say I wasn’t somewhat motivated because I’ve always had a job. The longest I haven’t had a job was 4 months and there was a lot of fuccccccccckkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeedddddddddd up shit that happened then so I needed like a mental break. But as soon as I made a call to an old pal, I got an interview for the job I just got fired from.

So the medication and my old doctor was definitely disabling me from moving forward for uhhhhhhh 4 years, almost 5. My doctor said I have a CLEAR malpractice suit, but for what? Still ADHD is kicking in.

Oh yeah, so I lost weight, and I’m really happy for the summer. I did manage to take 2 pics last night of these dresses. On sale! Limited quantities. I know we were looking for business gear but uhhhhhhh, what can I say we’re shopaholics.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤