Monday morning. No other words needed.

Time for some memes before I get started!

So my boo is up north. I miss him. We started to have a conversation about getting into a relationship, because we basically are, without the title, and only because of me. They all start off nice at first, then things change when they finally have you. We never got to finish the conversation and I feel kind of broken hearted putting my feelings out there like that, only to say I’ll call you back, but never got a call back. I know he fell asleep but my worry an anxiety plus my constant thoughts racing through my head didn’t help because I didn’t sleep.

I didn’t do much this weekend, had a few drinks with my roommate and listened to some old music, I didn’t feel good that say so I puked all over my bed. (lovely scene, I know)

My boo is supposed to be moving into his own place on Wednesday. He wants to take me out on a date and then spend the night at his house. I just don’t want things to change. I have such a horrible concept of what bad versus good actually is. When good is staring my face I say I’m not ready, even though my heart is telling me I want to be with this person.

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I like when we are together. I like the way he treats me, the way he makes me feel, the way he takes care of me, the way he holds me, the way we can just look into each others eyes. I’m getting way to cheesy. I haven’t felt this content with someone in a LONG LONG LONG time. Over 8 years. It’s hard for me to just feel this way again, but I’m do and I’m feeling it hard and I don’t want to push a good thing away over my insecurities. It’s what pushes people away and ruins things. I’m honest to him about everything, even things I don’t want to tell him because I know he won’t like them, but I tell him.

My dad just invited me to have pot roast over for dinner tonight. Does this mean I actually have to shower today? I can’t wear my contacts so trying to put make up on his a whole different level I can’t even see so I’m not even going to try that shit.

I think I’m going to lay in my bed and smoke pot which is probably counteractive but fuck it. It’s 9:30 am on a Monday. What the fuck else am I gonna do?

LIARS and tigers and bears, oh my!

Clever title, huh? I had to include a picture of Dorothy like that as well. So I managed to find myself in a situation where I’ve been lied to. I even found out the truth and this person still wants to lie. I know I’ve been played for a fool before, and this person knows that. But if that person really thinks I’m dumb enough to get sucked up into that tornado again (sticking with the Wizard of Oz theme here) they have another thing coming.

There’s one thing that I will never allow to happen ever again, and that’s let a man come in between me and my friends. If I catch you in a lie, just admit it. But if you want to keep this thing going and deny it, then we have a mother fucking problem. A BIG mother fucking problem. Who do you think I’m going to believe? Your lying ass, or someone I’ve known my entire fucking life who has always told me the truth, even when it hurts and I don’t want to hear it. SURVEY SAYS: I’m definitely not believing a word you say.

I know no one’s perfect, everyone makes mistakes, blah, blah, blah. But when I flat out ask you something, you look me in the eyes and tell me a lie, then swear on your kid’s life that what you’re telling me is the truth, keep going on and on that what you’re telling me is the truth, like I’m not going to investigate this and discover that you’re lying? I just don’t know how to proceed with the situation.

There is slightly more to this story that I’m not sharing because specifics don’t matter, and it could quite possibly be that he’s not lying about what ACTUALLY happened. But what was SUPPOSED to happen is what he is lying about still. This might be very confusing for you to follow since you don’t know the details but again, I’m not willing to disclose that because it’s not important to you. This is a place for me to get all my thoughts, anger, aggression and feelings out, so I’m doing just that.

He’s working right now, so as much as I want him to come over and scream at him to his face, I have to respect the fact that he’s working which is more than I can say for myself right now. What I am NOT going to do is wait for him to explain himself face to face, cave in, forget and forgive easily just like that. Like how I would’ve before. But since my last “relationship” (if you could call it that) where I got totally fucked over and my world got flipped upside down, I am not going to put my feelings on the back burner just because I’m infatuated with the newness of our relationship. There really isn’t going to be much of a relationship if I don’t get some answers.

This is how I am going to be towards him for a while, except replace the W with a B.

Well it’s 3:30, I have to hop in the shower, exchange a dress I bought on Saturday, pick up my prescriptions, then I’m going out to dinner later with my mom, uncle and his wife who I haven’t met yet! So I am looking forward to that! I’m most certainly not going to let this, or any other bullshit ruin my day.

Before I go, I hung out with my dad yesterday and he let me borrow a couple of fans until I move since I can’t open half of these windows and I don’t have air conditioning. I thought that I needed them, but apparently Maizy needed them more. How cute is this? No matter where I move this fan, Maizy will flop down in front of it.

MondayyyYyyyYyy

It doesn’t feel like Monday when you don’t have a job. It’s just like any other fucking day. If you have read some of my previous posts you’ll know that I absolutely hate Monday’s. If you do a Google image search for “fuck Monday memes” you will be LOL for sure. That’s how I used to TRY to get in a good mood for work on Monday mornings, just have a quick LOL at some of those memes and go on with my shitty ass day. Like this image for example….this can easily make you smile even for a hot second on a shitty Monday. It’s a cute kitty getting drunk because he/she hates Monday’s too. It’s a national crisis.

So I posted last night/this morning that I was going to be productive. I am happy to report that the time is currently 5:40 PM and I did get somethings checked off my list. First, you’ll have to know that because I am bipolar and unemployed, I consider getting out of bed and taking a shower as productive. Actually getting dressed after that shower, putting on makeup, and wearing something other than PJ’s is super productive for me. So I’ve already done all of those things today. (I slacked a little bit and didn’t style my hair.) This may sound stupid as fuck to someone who doesn’t understand being bipolar, but anyone who has it or truly understand it and knows my situation knows how hard it is to overcome small challenges like getting out of bed when you have no reason to. It really pisses me off when people use the phrase “you’re so bipolar” as an insult. Not to me, just in general. It should piss off anyone who is bipolar really.

I am doing this blog most importantly for myself and my own issues, and if by other people reading it using the tags of bipolar, or mental illness, or whatever read it, and it helps them too, then that’s even better. I struggled with the isolation of being bipolar for years, and I knew it wasn’t ME and I didn’t want to feel that way, but I also didn’t know what to do. I finally got a really good doctor who listens and understands my concerns about medication and diagnosis. Being positive and maintaining the positive attitude has really been helping me maintain my bipolar disorder throughout these last few weeks. I really like this quote because it’s true. Having this mental illness has taught me that I can overcome any challenge, and also not to let things get stuck in my head and give me negative energy. If I do let things get stuck in my head, I get pulled way the fuck down and it’s so hard to climb out of that. This blog really does help me channel all my thoughts and release them from my head.

Anyway, I got a package this morning at 9 AM and I don’t have a doorbell but Maizy is a great improviser. I’ve never seen how crazy she gets when a delivery man comes to the door since I’m usually at work. She went fucking crazy, which is why I woke up in the first place and actually signed for the package. Anyway, I splurged a little bit with some leftover tax money and purchased myself a new pipe. But not just any pipe, a cupcake one! Thank you to Chameleon Glass for the pipe, case, grinder, storage container, lighter, sticker and candy they sent along with my pipe. It’s my first time ordering with them, but it won’t be my last. They were super fast, excellent customer service, and provided me with tracking information as soon as it was available. So here it is!!!!!!!

I also got in touch with the unemployment office today. They told me they would release my first payment today, and I should have it in my bank account in a few days. I shouldn’t have had to call in the first place, it should have been done automatically. Of course, it wasn’t….so I had to get on their asses and take care of business myself. I have to certify again on Monday for the last 2 weeks, and then it should release a couple days after that. I got a notice from the unemployment office last week that said my employer never responded to the paperwork they sent over as to why I was terminated, and so by default I automatically get unemployment.

I also reached out to my former boss and told him I tried contacting HR regarding getting reimbursed for the wages they took out of my last paycheck for insurance. Basically in my email to my former boss I said hey, I know this isn’t your job, but can you please get the fuck on the person who is so we can be done with this already? Shortly after I emailed him I got a response back from HR. She told me she was out of the office sometime when I sent her the email and it had gotten pushed down in her inbox and she lost track of it and never followed up. She didn’t really have an answer as to when I’d get my money back, hopefully this week. She said she would have a better idea once payroll is finished and that I should email her on Thursday to get more information. I made sure I put 2 reminder notices on my iPhone calendar to follow up Thursday. I want every last dollar I can possibly get out of that place.

When I checked the mail today I got a letter stating that I was accepted for Medicaid. So I have health insurance. YAY! I also got another letter from the state saying they needed more information from me in order to qualify me for food assistance. I got the paperwork today, and they needed to receive it today. I called at 4:30 and left a message and said hey dudes, I just got this today, and there’s no way I can get this information to you today. So hopefully they’ll return my call tomorrow and allow me to have extra time.

I also got in touch with someone I used to be a server with. He recently moved into the area and is serving at one of my favorite Italian restaurants out here and said he makes bank. He is going to try and get me some part time work up there so I can get cash, and my unemployment. It’s temporary. I definitely do not want to be a server for very long, I enjoy office work too much. (That was my back handed way of saying I’d rather be lazy and sit at a desk than actually work on my feet!)

Well, now I guess I’m having some company. Someone I haven’t seen in a while. I’m glad I did my makeup today….I just wish I would’ve done my hair so I could look my absolute best, but whatever. I think I look decent. Pale, but decent. More bronzer. Definitely more bronzer. I will post about how this rendezvous goes.

If you had a shitty Monday, don’t forget my trick to instant LOL’s on Monday! (Google image search fuck monday memes)

P.S.– The countdown is officially on!!!

Monday. Grrrr.

        

My favorite….

  

This Day Could Have Been Shit

Like I said, this is my happy place! Today could have been absolute shit. I mean considering my car said it is -20 degrees and I have no water in my house! Yeah! Woo! I didn’t want to be negative Nancy today because I was yesterday with this water, and my landlord, and blah, blah, blah. I’m trying to put positive out there. Like this:

I had a decent day at work. Not my most productive, but it’s President’s Day and most offices are closed. So I got a few sales, scheduled a few appointments for the week, sent out a few emails, nothing too snazzy. But, I think that positivity I was spewing did work because *BOOM* guess what I won?

Yep. Just what I needed to splash up my gas tank for the week so I didn’t have to swipe my card and over draw it. I left work early because my landlord said he was at the house. By the time I got here the water was on. I left the faucets on so that if the water did come on it wouldn’t freeze again. It worked!

So FUCK YOU MONDAY for trying to fuck with me. Positive Polly over here won’t let it. Oh yeah, welcome to my first official post!

Listening to: Deorro featuing DyCy, “Five Hours”