I broke up with my boyfriend last night. (My boyfriend named good if you have been follow
ing along.) I’ve been out of treatment for 2 weeks and 1 day. When I was in treatment I had so many intense feelings for him. I would write him letters everyday about how much I loved and missed him. However once I got out, I didn’t feel the same. It’s like a switch flipped inside of me. I don’t know how to explain it, and it totally crushed him. But I had to explain to him that I’m going in one direction, and he’s just standing still. He’s still not working, he doesn’t have a car, or a license. How can I move forward when he isn’t? It’s not fair to me. I want someone who is motivated, and right now it seems like I’m his only motivation. That’s so much pressure. I’ve actually been meaning to break up with him since I got out, but I knew this would absolutely crush him, so I’ve been putting it off.
I told him we can be friends, because I feel like that’s what we’ve been lately. He said that’s all he hears, that he’ll be friends with his ex and it never works out. He knows that I’ll move on and find someone else. Maybe I will? I don’t know. He was very good to me. But lately, since he ran out of money, and he doesn’t have a job, everything has been on me. I’m selfish, I want someone to take care of me. I know this about myself. He did that before, and he knows that about me. He knows he needs to step up. I told him that if he can get his shit together, maybe things will change. I’m giving him a silver lining but do I think we’ll get back together? Probably not. I think the chapter is closed. I don’t think I’ll have those feelings for him again. Which brings me to my next point….
I’m ready to move on. I still have hope that evil & I will get back together. He’s currently in a treatment center for 6 months. I know our relationship won’t work if he doesn’t stay sober. I don’t know if he’s capable of doing it. I want him to be. I hold on to it. But again, I should just move on. 6 months is a long time. I can’t just sit around and wait for him for 6 months. So I’m not. Just because I’m sober, doesn’t mean I can’t have fun, have a social life. Go out and meet new people. Which is EXACTLY what I’ll be doing tonight.
I remember 5 years ago the first time I got sober the first time I went out was at a Halloween party with a good group of people. I wasn’t uncomfortable, I felt totally fine in my environment. People were drinking, having a good time. I had an out if I wanted to leave. I was with a good friend who understood my situation and wouldn’t put me in harms way. She knew that it was a huge leap for me to even come to the party, and knew that I probably wouldn’t stay long, and it was my first venture after my stint in rehab. Well, tonight I’m going to experience that all over again. I’m going to “test the waters” I guess. I’ll be fine. Drinking doesn’t really do it for me, I think drunk people are hilarious.
I mostly want to go out because I love being slutty on Halloween. Plus I have a lot to celebrate. (with water!) I just got a new job, I’m newly single, newly sober, I’m fresh out on the prowl. I want to help my friend troll for some new dudes, and she’s going to help me do the same. The best part is, I WON’T HAVE BEER GOGGLES. See example below.
I can also help my friend from this mistake.
The only problem is I have to wear a Halloween costume. I think I might just wear some slutty ass outfit and my Hello Kitty ears and call it a night. I told my friend to get some cat ears, draw on some whiskers and go as a sex kitten. (See what a good influence I am?) Meowwww =^^=
My other friend came to me on Monday and said that she wanted to go to treatment. She had a court date on Wednesday, and after that she was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend because of his involvement with drugs and all the drama he brings. Well, it’s now Friday and she has yet to make any changes. I honestly don’t believe she’s going to do it. I know she NEEDS to do it, I PRAY she’ll do it. I told her this isn’t the type of thing you dwell on, or research. It’s the type of thing you just go and do. You pack your bags full of random shit. You don’t even know what you packed because you are just so worried about getting there, and then you fucking go. There’s no thinking, no researching, you just go, just do. I ended up re-friending her on Facebook just so I could kind of creep in on her life. I have no interest in being friends with her, taking her calls unless it’s about getting help. She’s very skinny, disgusting looking, crack addict looking. She initially told me that she just needs to go for depression. I told her that’s a load of bullshit. She needs to get honest with herself. She said she’s really good at manipulating doctors. I said well if you want to get better, you have to be honest. You have to tell all your doctors your an addict. You have to realize your body doesn’t know the difference between taking drugs for pain and for pleasure. I pray for her and her children’s sake she gets well. But until she checks herself in, I will not be taking her calls, entertaining her questions about treatment. Her main concern was detoxing. Really? Get over it.
Anyway, I’m going to load myself slap happy full of coffee this morning so I can finally get the motivation to sort through this mountain of shit in the basement that I call my belongings. I have THREE closets worth of clothes. Now that I have a job, I have to organize my shoes which are currently in a box. I can’t believe I treated them so badly. I hope they forgive me. I think I might need another treatment center….
welcome to my happy place 