Feels good

Day #2 at my new job was a success. We started off reviewing more stuff, and then we did more mock phone calls. I left my computer for a couple minutes to get up and go to the bathroom. By the time I got back everyone was on their headsets, and I assumed they were taking calls. Then one of the managers came down and sat next to me, and said I was ready to go live. I assumed that everyone else was, so I said, “Am I the last one?” He said, “No, you’re the first one.” It turns out I was the only one to take phone calls. I’m pretty sure they can see that there’s something about me that I have that the others don’t.

I don’t have to read the script word for word, it doesn’t take much for me to personalize the call. I think what makes this job a little bit easier versus the last couple jobs is that it is strictly customer service, no selling. In the interview she said to me, “You know this isn’t a sales position, right?” That’s exactly why I applied for the job. Sales is too competitive, and I always take my time with my customers, I give excellent customer service. I might as well take the sales aspect out of it, and just deliver great customer service. (Maybe even BETTER customer service if they let me use this phone to make my daily calls on….)

It feels good to be recognized. To not even try to show off or anything, to just be my normal self, and people notice there’s something different about me from the rest of my peers. That there’s something special about me. I’m used to working in these huge ass corporations where they don’t notice shit. You’re just worker # 59052309253 to them. There’s a constant wave of training classes coming through, and the management, specifically upper management, never take the time to really get to know you or listen to your concerns. At the end of the day, it’s just about numbers and quotas for them.

Here, it’s different. They want to know your input. If there’s something that would help you do your job better, let them know! Someone suggested dual monitors and boom! It was done. If there’s a problem in the scripting that your customers are negatively responding to, take it to your managers, and they will take a look at it. I’m so used to nothing can be changed, this is the way it’s done, so if it doesn’t work it’s probably your fault.

If Cher worked in a big corporation, then yes, this statement is correct.

After I got off work, I met my mom at her work. Me and one of her co-workers who I know and LOVE (who knows that I went to treatment now for a second time) all went out to dinner. My mom is taking one of her dogs in on Saturday and I have to take my dog back so she’s making an appointment for my dog. Then I basically hijacked my mom’s Saturday afternoon. I’ve been dying to go to one of my favorite spots in downtown Ann Arbor called Ragstock. They always have way more in store than they do online. But I’m SUPER obsessed with their leggings, so we are going on Saturday after the vet, then possibly over to Kohl’s because I can wear jeans at this job, the only problem is since I keep losing weight, I have 1 pair that fits me….and they barely fit me. (too big) So I want to hit up Kohl’s for jeans, a black pencil skirt, and I’m looking for brown boots! That’s all I need. Nothing too fancy. I have all the clothes in the world. I might need some basic solid v necks long & short sleeved, but other than that I’m good on clothes. (Says the girl who just got a gigantic bag of clothes from her mom tonight and it’s still in her trunk…whoops!)

I got a letter today from a girl in treatment I went to. I wrote a few letters to a couple girls on the 29th and I got a response today. I am so happy to hear back from her. I think she said she is going to leave. I’ll be here to lean on when she gets out. I love her desperately and I want to make sure she’s doing okay. I wasn’t sure if she decided to stay or to leave. I really do hope she stays because staying as long as you can give you the best odds, but that’s not always the truth. I left after 35 days and I’m doing very well for myself. She said she LOVED all the glitter inside of it and she loved how it smelled. (If you knew me in real life, you would know that I absolutely love sending real mail through the US postal service, and I make sure all my envelopes are scented!) So she might be out already, I’m not sure. I hope she is doing well and I miss her all VERY much!

I also seemed to have gotten myself into my friends CPS case a lot more than I thought I was going to. Both of the fathers came come to me, and now my friends parents have also come to me. Everyone is looking to me because they know I’m the one that has all of the answers. I have most of her secrets, and I have to expose them before it’s too late. So I made what I felt was the right decision. I called her CPS caseworker, and her supervisor. They both were unavailable. I told them who I was and what I was calling about. I told them I work from 10-4 tomorrow but it’s very important that we speak. I’ve known her for the last 25 years and recently just moved out of her residence. I can give you nothing but the facts. Please contact me. Yes, this might hurt her, but her feelings aren’t any concern of mine anymore. It’s about getting those innocent children, that I love with all of my heart, away from their sick, delusional, drug addicted mother. One that’s in too much denial.

First Day Wrap Up

I had my first day today and it went pretty well. I did see one familiar face. It was actually a girl that I lived in a three quarter house back in 2011. I was happy to hear that she is still sober. I felt very over qualified in the room, but I guess that’s somewhat of a good thing considering they promote within. A lot of the people in my training group had customer service skills, but had never worked in a call center before. I guess I was that way before when I worked at Verizon. There was a guy that used to work at Verizon. He started saying oh yeah I used to work for Verizon and Netflix, I’m like yeahhhh bud, I worked there too. I felt like saying you’re not that cool by throwing those big names around. You wanna talk big names? I got the biggest. GOOGLE. IN YO FACE BUDDY. No but I didn’t.

So this place has a bunch of different vendors. Right now they have us starting on a Toyota campaign. It’s pretty straight forward. I think the Toyota campaign is the easiest one to train on. The other vendor’s campaigns might be a little more complex with the questions you might be asked, and it might be a little more in depth. In the interview they said they might train us on a couple different campaigns and see which one we take to, but it seems like they might be training all of us on this one right now. I’m okay with that because she said they don’t typically work Sundays. PERFECT BECAUSE I HATE WORKING SUNDAYS. This is what Sundays are for:

Even though I have had a couple of jobs since I’ve left Google, I didn’t really see myself keeping them. One of them was not for me. That’s when I was working for Ford. That was only for the money. The other job I literally had for one day. I got fired for brushing my hair in the office. In my defense my hair was really fucked up after I walked out to my car to get my reading glasses and it was super windy. Those people are super uptight and need to get the stick out of their asses. I wouldn’t want to keep a job like that anyway. I guess this is the first time that I feel that I could be comfortable. My two bosses are super cute, and super sweet. I love their energy, their positive attitudes and their openness.

It’s been about 3 1/2 years since I’ve worked for a small company. I miss that small company atmosphere. Where you only have a hand full of managers, and they all remember your names. It’s only the first day and they already know who I am. But you get that closeness you don’t get when you work in a huge company with tons of employees. I never felt appreciated at Google. I knew I was one of the top agents (when I wanted to be, and actually came to work) but no one ever came to my desk and told me good job. But my managers seem to really like me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I dazzled the FUCK out the them in the interview. I guess that’s just what I do when I’m put under pressure….

So I like the job, just not that I feel over qualified. I hope the recognize my skills and will hopefully pick up on that. I have done this before, and if this is all I’m going to be doing, I’m going to be needing more challenging work. I guess I should slow my roll. It’s only day #1. Calm down. Breath.

As soon as I got off work, I kicked back and relaxed in my PJ’s just like any normal working woman. What? Just because I haven’t had a consistent job that requires me to go to an office everyday in seven months doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to this moment?

Right now they are having us working on one of the easier campaigns. All we have to do is get customers on the phone and set appointments. That’s why I think they’re starting us on the easiest one. I remembered when she interviewed me she was going to try and see where we fit in best by training us on a couple different platforms. This one seems entirely too easy. However, like ever call center, I could have that script memorize but as soon as the customer comes on the phone, I go blank. Most of the other people who read their scripts did sound like they were reading from a paper. That’s NOT a good look in a call center. Like I said, I feel really over qualified, and a bit out of place. She hired 10 people, and said a lot of them might end up discovering it’s not the job for them, or the simply just don’t come back. I plan on sticking around to see what else might be in store for me. I feel like if I stay focused there could be a lot of great opportunity here for me. I just have to stay focused and take what I’ve learned in the other call centers. Because that’s what they don’t have on me. Now for something completely different.

I started off my day getting ready, but heard from my friend’s ex husband this morning while I was getting ready. (The friend I wrote the blog about yesterday) Well he came to me asking a bunch of things because he’s trying to get full custody of his son. Since the CPS case is still open right now, instead of having him every other weekend, he currently has him full time. The last thing I told my friend in her email is that perhaps I should let CPS know what I know about you. Her response was that the case was closed, but it’s not. Her ex husband is someone I never ever thought that I would talk to. But we have been talking all up until I went to work, and ever since I got home from work. He wants me to help him in the custody case with his son. It’s time sensitive too because the case is closing next week. What I’m going to do is simply call them up, let them know what I’ve seen since I’ve been living there. I realized that my drug use was getting out of control so I decided to leave and get treatment. I would suspect that we were using around the same amount of drugs, but she always had more. So obviously that would lead me to believe she always had more.

Once upon a time this dude was my sworn enemy. But was it only because she’s my best friend. Now here I am on his side. His parents do most of the work for the kid, so what? He’s happy, he’s healthy, he always gets whatever he wants, he’s taken care of. That should be the main goal. Not to worry if the lights are going to stay on, the water, if the house they’re living in is even their house anymore. She has too much drama surrounding her world. So we got to talking and we each shared some interesting stories the other person didn’t know about her. Then I felt inclined to call her other child’s father and ask if he was planning on fighting her for sole custody. He asked me why I wanted to know. I simply told him, well Jeremy’s planning on doing the same thing, and you guys are going to need my help. She’s good at lying, she’s good at getting away with things. But I have nothing to hide. Yes, I was there doing drugs with her, but then guess what? I realized it wasn’t something I could just stop. That I needed help. If something were to come up about it in court, there’s nothing that can hurt me. It’s all out in the open.

Then the other baby daddy reached out to me, and I said I would help him too, because he also wants to maintain full custody of his daughter. She’ll see this as an attack on her, when really this is help lowing her bottom.

I just want her to wake up from her drug induced fog and fucking get it. People are so much more than their mistakes. Your mistakes don’t define you. ❤

It’s November!

I can’t believe it’s November. I’ve been through so many changes this year. Right around this time last year is when I was getting ready to move into my new place. My dad had kicked me out of his house and for the month of October I was staying at my friends house. Then I had finally found a place to move to, and had gotten the money and means to move there. Right now I’m feeling a little down on myself because I was so happy to be moving out on my own, have my own place and do whatever I want. When I had my own place, it’s like I was barely at home. When I wasn’t at work, I was always busy doing something else. This also marks one year since I got my precious dog. I love her so much and I’m glad she and I are finally in a safe place.

I know my addiction has effected her to an extent. She wasn’t taken care of the way she deserved. But now she is, and I’m glad I can give that to her. I constantly worried about the care she received when she stayed with my friend and I wasn’t there. My friend treats her cats like shit, so I could only imagine how she would treat my dog. (as she mentioned she hates dogs) I would find her locked up in my small ass little bedroom with her food dish completely filled. So she obviously wasn’t checking on her, she just gave her as much food as possible. Usually it was only for a night or two, but still. She does the same things to her cats. I had to share a bathroom with them in the basement. I was the one who cleaned out that litter box most nights because if I didn’t, she wasn’t going to. It was absolutely disgusting. The day that we moved I was going to use the bathroom down there until I saw the condition of it. It looked like she can’t cleaned it out in about 3 weeks. I could’ve barfed. Why even have animals if you aren’t going to take care of them? Oh I know why, because they’re not your first priority, your addiction is.

It upsets me that within a week, she’s completely forgotten all the conversations she’s had with me. I know she’s not serious about treatment. I’m heartbroken. For her to tell me I’m the only person she trusts, but she obviously doesn’t trust me that much. I feel like I might as well be the dirt on the bottom of her shoe. I’m just getting in the way of all her lies. So, just cut me out. She already deleted me off of her Facebook again. She obviously doesn’t want me to know what’s going on in her life. Probably because all the bullshit she gave me over the phone about not changing, was just a story. I read right through the bullshit anyway. I’m no use to her as a friend, as a resource, of anything until she finally admits all of her problems. You never want to see someone fall apart before you get the chance to help them, but she came for me to help and hasn’t said anything since. So, I don’t know what to make of it. Was she high at the time? Was it just for attention? I can’t believe anything a drug addict says.

Enough of that…. tomorrow I start my new job!

This week I’ll be training on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. Not too bad. There are a couple of different clients and different programs we all will be trained on and they want to see which one we respond best to in order to see which one we will be working on. Little do they know I’m a fucking whiz at all this shit so I should have no problems, and could probably be cross-trained on all the programs by the end of day 3 like a fucking BOSS BITCH.

I sent some letters to a couple of the girls in the treatment center on Thursday morning, hopefully they will be getting them today. It was before I found out that I got my job and stuff, so they’re a little outdated. But hopefully they’ll write back and I can give them some good news. I feel bad because I didn’t write them ALL back. But it’s hard to keep up with who is there, who left, that kind of stuff. So the two girls I did write I am almost positive they’re still there. I know when I got letters it always lifted my spirit, so I hope it does the same for them. Plus I dumped a bunch of glitter in their letters, just like I said I would. Then I had to tape the shit out of the envelopes so it wouldn’t leak. hehehe.

 A little bit about my break up…okay, so Good really is a great guy. He’s honest, sweet, caring. You know, all those things that I wanted in a guy since I typically date the losers who just use me. I was writing him everyday in treatment about how much I cared about him, how much I loved him, all of that. But then, I got out of treatment, and it’s like something changed. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like a switch inside me flipped. My mom calls it the real world but I’m serious. I really don’t know what happened. I wanted to tell him right then and there when I first saw him that I felt differently, but I could tell he missed me so much, and had been waiting for that moment for a really long time, so I didn’t say anything. Then he helped me moved, and stayed over at the house for the weekend, so I still didn’t say anything then. He kept telling me things like I’m the only thing that makes him happy. I felt so much pressure from that. I felt pressure to keep our relationship together because if I want to see him, I have to make the 20 minute drive to go get him, then the 20 minute drive to drop him back off. He doesn’t have a car. I just got out of treatment, and I already landed myself a job.

He told me MONTHS ago that if he didn’t have a job by a specific date then he was going to start working with his brother. That date came and went 4 months ago, and he’s sat around and got nothing done. I’m resenting him for doing nothing with his life. All the mean while I go to treatment, I get out, get my life back on track, go out get a job, and now I’m about to start that job…..and you did what exactly? I can’t be his girlfriend and his care taker and tell him what to do, and how to get his life in order. Granted, he is younger than me, so if he wants to fuck around and do nothing with his life right now, he’s perfectly entitled to do that. But I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to man up and start earning so they can get out of the misery they complain about all the fucking time. I just could see myself resenting him because I’m moving forward with my life, and he’s standing still. Eventually that resentment would’ve turn into hate. I don’t want to hate him because he’s one of the sweetest guys I know. It absolutely killed him when I broke up with him. It’s something that I’ve been putting off for a while. But then I realize I’m sacrificing someone elses feelings for my own, and that’s not healthy.

So here I am, and there he is. He doesn’t have a phone, car, job, nothing. I can’t wrap my mind around that at all. He keeps on getting less and less as I continue to rise and gain more and more. It’s almost like he sits around and waits for things to happen. Much like my friend and her “trying to go to rehab” thing. They’re sitting around waiting for some great moment of clarity where everything will finally all make sense for them to do what they need to do.

LIFE DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY. THERE IS NEVER A PERFECT MOMENT. YOU HAVE TO CREATE IT. GET UP AND DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM LIVING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. YOU WON’T REGRET IT LATER. YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT MOMENT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

My Struggles.

So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.

I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!

 I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.

(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)

You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.

Before:

After:

Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.

Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.

It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.

I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.

I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!

I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.

WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo

New job….again

Posting from my phone so I have to be brief but I got sick and had to leave work early and go to the hospital. They told me not to come back. (I was a 90 day temp, then would’ve gotten a full Union position) So I had been waiting to hear back from this other place that staffs all of the university of Michigan hospital jobs. A friend told me about their staffing company and I originally interviewed for a position that I didn’t end up getting. However I impressed them so much they called me in and hired me for another job, no interview necessary. I’ll be working Mondah through Friday 6:30 am to 2:30 pm! Right across the street from where I worked at Google. However they’re really conservative there so I have to be fake as fuck. I even have to wear light makeup. Sometimes I love my dark smoky eye look. Whatever I can do basic bitch makeup too and dress like a republican. (Sorry no offense I’m just making a statement since they’re very conservative as I said)

Also today was great because I got some rhinestone studded leggings. And also, who the fuck is Matt and why the fuck would I share my beloved coke with this bitch? 

  
Also maizy scared me because I couldn’t find her. She was sleeping underneath my coffee table. I bent down to take this pic so you can actually see her here, but when I was standing up she was totally hidden. 

  
My dad and I fought about me moving home because he said I’d have to get rid of my dog. No thanks. My roommate is planning on selling her house and moving so IDK where I’m going to end up in a few months. And if I don’t get my shit together soon I’m going to be flat on my ass. 

Evil gave us all quite a scare the other day. I had to call 911 and he’s been in the hospital since that night. Not in the best shape. I visited him. Then I called his nurse to tell him I couldn’t make it back up there because of the job thing and he actually talked to me. (He hasn’t been talking a whole lot) They transferred him to another hospital that’s better for his needs. I think I’m going to stay close to home this weekend in case we can visit. All of this made me realize he’s the only man I want to be in my life. I have to find a way to end it with good. My heart will only allow me to truly love one person. So there’s that.