I can’t believe it’s November. I’ve been through so many changes this year. Right around this time last year is when I was getting ready to move into my new place. My dad had kicked me out of his house and for the month of October I was staying at my friends house. Then I had finally found a place to move to, and had gotten the money and means to move there. Right now I’m feeling a little down on myself because I was so happy to be moving out on my own, have my own place and do whatever I want. When I had my own place, it’s like I was barely at home. When I wasn’t at work, I was always busy doing something else. This also marks one year since I got my precious dog. I love her so much and I’m glad she and I are finally in a safe place.
I know my addiction has effected her to an extent. She wasn’t taken care of the way she deserved. But now she is, and I’m glad I can give that to her. I constantly worried about the care she received when she stayed with my friend and I wasn’t there. My friend treats her cats like shit, so I could only imagine how she would treat my dog. (as she mentioned she hates dogs) I would find her locked up in my small ass little bedroom with her food dish completely filled. So she obviously wasn’t checking on her, she just gave her as much food as possible. Usually it was only for a night or two, but still. She does the same things to her cats. I had to share a bathroom with them in the basement. I was the one who cleaned out that litter box most nights because if I didn’t, she wasn’t going to. It was absolutely disgusting. The day that we moved I was going to use the bathroom down there until I saw the condition of it. It looked like she can’t cleaned it out in about 3 weeks. I could’ve barfed. Why even have animals if you aren’t going to take care of them? Oh I know why, because they’re not your first priority, your addiction is.
It upsets me that within a week, she’s completely forgotten all the conversations she’s had with me. I know she’s not serious about treatment. I’m heartbroken. For her to tell me I’m the only person she trusts, but she obviously doesn’t trust me that much. I feel like I might as well be the dirt on the bottom of her shoe. I’m just getting in the way of all her lies. So, just cut me out. She already deleted me off of her Facebook again. She obviously doesn’t want me to know what’s going on in her life. Probably because all the bullshit she gave me over the phone about not changing, was just a story. I read right through the bullshit anyway. I’m no use to her as a friend, as a resource, of anything until she finally admits all of her problems. You never want to see someone fall apart before you get the chance to help them, but she came for me to help and hasn’t said anything since. So, I don’t know what to make of it. Was she high at the time? Was it just for attention? I can’t believe anything a drug addict says.
Enough of that…. tomorrow I start my new job!
This week I’ll be training on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. Not too bad. There are a couple of different clients and different programs we all will be trained on and they want to see which one we respond best to in order to see which one we will be working on. Little do they know I’m a fucking whiz at all this shit so I should have no problems, and could probably be cross-trained on all the programs by the end of day 3 like a fucking BOSS BITCH.
I sent some letters to a couple of the girls in the treatment center on Thursday morning, hopefully they will be getting them today. It was before I found out that I got my job and stuff, so they’re a little outdated. But hopefully they’ll write back and I can give them some good news. I feel bad because I didn’t write them ALL back. But it’s hard to keep up with who is there, who left, that kind of stuff. So the two girls I did write I am almost positive they’re still there. I know when I got letters it always lifted my spirit, so I hope it does the same for them. Plus I dumped a bunch of glitter in their letters, just like I said I would. Then I had to tape the shit out of the envelopes so it wouldn’t leak. hehehe.
A little bit about my break up…okay, so Good really is a great guy. He’s honest, sweet, caring. You know, all those things that I wanted in a guy since I typically date the losers who just use me. I was writing him everyday in treatment about how much I cared about him, how much I loved him, all of that. But then, I got out of treatment, and it’s like something changed. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like a switch inside me flipped. My mom calls it the real world but I’m serious. I really don’t know what happened. I wanted to tell him right then and there when I first saw him that I felt differently, but I could tell he missed me so much, and had been waiting for that moment for a really long time, so I didn’t say anything. Then he helped me moved, and stayed over at the house for the weekend, so I still didn’t say anything then. He kept telling me things like I’m the only thing that makes him happy. I felt so much pressure from that. I felt pressure to keep our relationship together because if I want to see him, I have to make the 20 minute drive to go get him, then the 20 minute drive to drop him back off. He doesn’t have a car. I just got out of treatment, and I already landed myself a job.
He told me MONTHS ago that if he didn’t have a job by a specific date then he was going to start working with his brother. That date came and went 4 months ago, and he’s sat around and got nothing done. I’m resenting him for doing nothing with his life. All the mean while I go to treatment, I get out, get my life back on track, go out get a job, and now I’m about to start that job…..and you did what exactly? I can’t be his girlfriend and his care taker and tell him what to do, and how to get his life in order. Granted, he is younger than me, so if he wants to fuck around and do nothing with his life right now, he’s perfectly entitled to do that. But I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to man up and start earning so they can get out of the misery they complain about all the fucking time. I just could see myself resenting him because I’m moving forward with my life, and he’s standing still. Eventually that resentment would’ve turn into hate. I don’t want to hate him because he’s one of the sweetest guys I know. It absolutely killed him when I broke up with him. It’s something that I’ve been putting off for a while. But then I realize I’m sacrificing someone elses feelings for my own, and that’s not healthy.
So here I am, and there he is. He doesn’t have a phone, car, job, nothing. I can’t wrap my mind around that at all. He keeps on getting less and less as I continue to rise and gain more and more. It’s almost like he sits around and waits for things to happen. Much like my friend and her “trying to go to rehab” thing. They’re sitting around waiting for some great moment of clarity where everything will finally all make sense for them to do what they need to do.
LIFE DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY. THERE IS NEVER A PERFECT MOMENT. YOU HAVE TO CREATE IT. GET UP AND DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM LIVING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. YOU WON’T REGRET IT LATER. YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT MOMENT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
welcome to my happy place 