My Struggles.

So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.

I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!

 I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.

(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)

You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.

Before:

After:

Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.

Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.

It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.

I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.

I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!

I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.

WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo

Exploring my music collection & life

As I mentioned I’m exploring my music collection out so I will be updating the songs I’m listening to. You can click on the links and they will open up the song in a new window in YouTube if you’re interested. 🙂 (Currently starting with New Found Glory, “Ballad for the Lost Romantics”)

So I am officially in a relationship with good. I feel really good about my decision to make a commitment to him, although it usually makes me want to do bad things when they’re not around. But he’s different and he takes care of me, as I mentioned. I don’t have any fears with him, he just does things for me without me even asking. It’s never like I did this for you, so you should do this for me. I think my perception of relationships is changing.

Mostly because I closed off emotionally for 7 years, then when I finally met someone, they were horrible to me and for me, I just got super close super quick. It’s like all the things I didn’t feel for 7 years came out in all the wrong ways, well more like on the wrong people. I’m not going backwards, I feel like making this change who is like a prince charming means I’m done with all the bad men. Putting their bullshit in a box, storing it on a shelf, and letting it be. I’m done with men hurting me and making me feel like a piece of shit, and getting in my head. I’m a good girl (hehe, kinda) and deserved to be treated right.

Nice guys were always too nice for me, so I could never be with one. Plus, I blog about all my mental illnesses so I feel like nice guys can’t handle how crazy I can be sometimes. It’s not my fucking fault.

That’s why I like blogging, and listening to music. It puts me in good spirits. (Currently listening to Maroon 5, “Can’t Stop”) I’m updating from 2 work stations and the big computer at the top has a huge hard drive with ALL my music starting from 2004 when I bought the computer. (Currently listening to La Roux, “Bulletproof”)

(Currently Listening to KT Tunstall, “Suddenly I see”) I just took my boo after basically kidnapping him for a couple days. I’m supposed to hang out with my girl whose out to eat with her man. She said she’s supposed to come back here but she might end up hanging out with him since they’re both kid-less, but I really hope she does want to hang. I’m in the mood since my boo left. It’s really great to live with my friend of 25 years. I know my blogs have been a little confusing because of how much stress I was under from moving but now that things are coming together.

(Currently listening to John Mayer, “Why Georgia”) Things are so much better than living at my old house and it’s not a piece of shit. I’m back in my home town where I know where everything is. Getting back to a comfort zone of some sorts. I haven’t moved very much so it was very stressful, especially doing it all by myself. I am not used to doing things on my own, despite being 29 years old. I very much rely on others for help and there was no one there to help me this time. I was doing everything by myself and had no motivation to do anything, but so much desire to get the fuck out of my old house.

(Currently listening to Franz Ferndinand, “Take Me out”) I am kind of in transition since I don’t know how long I’ll be living here, when I’ll get a job, what the fuck is going to happen with me, but I’m just taking things day by day. Living in the moment. Trying to be free and fearless, and not let my anxiety get the best of me.

(Currently listening to Eminem, “Drug Ballad”) Perfect time for a 4:20 break.

During my 420 break:

Buckcherry, “Lit up”
Blackstreet, “No Diggity”
Aerosmith, “Sweet Emotion”

It’s funny how certain people, like good, who is my BOYFRIEND *gasp* can just change us, and make us feel a certain way. Special, and good, and for the first time in my life I feel like I KNOW the other person cares about me. Their feelings are genuine, they don’t want anything out of me, other than me to be me. That’s a reassuring feeling. I have a friend who is in a relationship right now and feels completely under appreciated and taken for granted, and gets no affection whatsoever. She can’t live with him, or without him, she’s torn. But I told her if she’s not happy there are other men out there that you can be with that will make you feel totally happy.

(Currently listening to Britney Spears, “Piece of me”) Life is all about the pursuit of happiness, which is why I love that song so much. We only get one shot at this life, we there is no time for negativity and unhappiness. Live life to the fullest.

(Currently listening to Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Gold Lion”)
(Currently listening to TI, “What you know”)

Obviously I am more interested in my music at this point and I think just about all I came on the interwebz to say today. Enjoy my fuckery of a musical selection, yes, I know it’s all over the place, just like me 😉

Sunday clarity

I woke up with a clear head this morning of what I need to do in order to move on with my life. Just simple, move on. Put the past in the past, life is a gift, which is why it’s called the present. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s so true. I am tired of being hurt, then feeling sorry for myself. It’s just time to pick up and move the fuck on. I have to have faith that in the end this thing called KARMA will catch up to those that deserve it.

I’m smart, pretty, fun, with a good sense of humor, and I will always be ME. I have been feeling a lot more confident with myself, and my weight loss too, and I should embrace that. I shouldn’t feel like shit over something that happened in the past, and how totally fucked up and wrong it was on the other persons part. I need to stop trying to get into the other persons head. I’ll drive myself crazy trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. They’re just wrong. I can’t justify something wrong into something right in my head.

I’m not the same person I was even a year ago. I was still really depressed over my weight gain, I didn’t feel pretty or confident. I didn’t want to go out or be seen, I didn’t want to go shopping to do anything to make myself seem attractive because I didn’t feel like it at all. Now I feel totally different, and I should celebrate my looks, embrace my life.

That’s right! 17 more days until April 29 in which I will be turning 29 years old. My golden birthday! (Your golden birthday is supposed to be your lucky year, when you turn your age on your birthdate.) I just have a lot of change going on right now in my life and it’s hard. I need a new job, a new man, new men, money, and just to be happy and carefee again. People like me, you wouldn’t ever think it’s hard for someone like me to open up, because I am (obviously) a very open book, but I don’t like NEW. I knew that I did need a new job however because I did NOT like the way things were going at my old job, the people, the stupid everyday bullshit, the unfairness, the pure disgust I have for other employees. Yeah. I’m glad I’m out. Other than for financial reasons.

I want to scream, cry, laugh, hide, run, play, all these different emotions at once. Some parts of my life I am totally content with, and right now I don’t know how I’m getting food, or my next rent check, or any of the other numerous bills that are stacking up right now, however I am taking it one fucking day at a time.

Anything further than that is too much. Even talking about this right now is starting to make me a little panic-y. Next subject.

I haven’t done laundry in about 2 weeks so later on I’m going to mosey on over to my mom’s house and get that done. I don’t know what else we’ll get into while I’m there but it’s always a blast, even if it’s a lazy Sunday doing laundry hanging out with our dogs. I’m glad I have a good relationship with my mom. ❤ It’s good to remind myself of all the GOOD things I have going on right now. Positive mindset.

Also, tonight is the premiere of the 7th and FINAL season of Nurse Jackie! I am so excited it’s back! I went back and caught up on the entire show in anticipation for the final season. I can’t wait to see how they spin this.

Tune in tonight at 9 PM! If you don’t have Showtime they’re offering a free week this week. (At least for Comcast subscribers) Also, don’t I have the cutest dog ever???