Frirdays are awesome

I had such a shitty day yesterday. If we are friends on Facebook, you probably saw my statuses and could tell something was up. I talked to my ex and he pretty much still has a hold on me. I found out he was in the area the other night. I felt compelled to say something even though I knew I would regret it. Why can’t I give up? Why can’t I let someone who is no good for me out of my life. My head tells me one thing, but my heart tells me another.

My heart always wins when it’s head versus heart. ❤

As humans all we want is to be loved. Even me. I feel like I’ve been broken and hurt so many times that even when I meet a nice guy, I run. I rarely meet nice guys though. That’s the first problem. My friend and I were discussing how nice guys are just too easy. We go after the bad boys because they’re more of a challenge. I guess that’s what its all about. The challenge. Anyway, switching gears to what I wanted to talk about.

After how horrible I felt yesterday, I really wanted to curl up in bed all day today and feel sorry for myself. That sounds pathetic, but my blog is about honesty. I couldn’t possibly do that though because it’s Friday, the weather is fantastic, and I should move the fuck on. Sometimes being ADHD isn’t all that bad because I have the ability to get the fuck over myself when I know I’m acting like a baby over some bullshit. I decided to turn my frown upside down and SMILE because it’s Friday.

My bestie called me and asked if I wanted to hang and watch her tater tots for her while she goes on a work dinner. I had to wait until the construction men got to my house before I could leave. Sure enough I get here, and she’s not even here! I called her and I was like WTF you’re not even here? I’m breaking in. (Not really, I have a key, but I still like saying that.) Since she decided to go to this event tonight I also had to bring some dress options for her to wear. I had to keep in mind that this is a WORK thing and I can’t dress her like a whore. I brought her the most mature dresses I could find. Hopefully one of these dress options work.

She just got home with her 3 kids which are pretty much my kids too. I’m glad we have each other to cheer each other up. We have been friends since we were 4 and we’re about to be 29 so I’d say she’s more of a sister. I then got a call from another one of my friends that asked me earlier in the week to hang out tonight. I of course forgot. She did go on for quite a while and made me feel like shit about it. She also told me she had the opportunity to go out of town the same weekend of my birthday because it was cheaper, but she didn’t because of me. At the end of our conversation she said well you won’t be seeing me for a while because I’ll be busy.

Really? Someone from her past recently came into her life and ever since that happened I knew I was going to take a back seat to their newly rekindled “friendship.” People forget things. We talked all this afternoon before I made these plans and she never mentioned it once, or the day before hand. Honestly, I think she’s just looking to pick a fight. I can’t stand when people behave this way. It’s completely unnecessary and I am not interested in entertaining this negativity.

To me it sounds like jealousy. I didn’t do one thing for you, because human beings forget things, and you tell me you’ve already replaced me out of your life. I can’t be everyone’s everything. I’m done entertaining this.

Well, my friend is making nachos while the kiddos play outside and I want to just get off the internet machine and enjoy the rest of my day. Put all this unnecessary drama behind me and just move the fun on. My birthday is in 5 days.

MondayyyYyyyYyy

It doesn’t feel like Monday when you don’t have a job. It’s just like any other fucking day. If you have read some of my previous posts you’ll know that I absolutely hate Monday’s. If you do a Google image search for “fuck Monday memes” you will be LOL for sure. That’s how I used to TRY to get in a good mood for work on Monday mornings, just have a quick LOL at some of those memes and go on with my shitty ass day. Like this image for example….this can easily make you smile even for a hot second on a shitty Monday. It’s a cute kitty getting drunk because he/she hates Monday’s too. It’s a national crisis.

So I posted last night/this morning that I was going to be productive. I am happy to report that the time is currently 5:40 PM and I did get somethings checked off my list. First, you’ll have to know that because I am bipolar and unemployed, I consider getting out of bed and taking a shower as productive. Actually getting dressed after that shower, putting on makeup, and wearing something other than PJ’s is super productive for me. So I’ve already done all of those things today. (I slacked a little bit and didn’t style my hair.) This may sound stupid as fuck to someone who doesn’t understand being bipolar, but anyone who has it or truly understand it and knows my situation knows how hard it is to overcome small challenges like getting out of bed when you have no reason to. It really pisses me off when people use the phrase “you’re so bipolar” as an insult. Not to me, just in general. It should piss off anyone who is bipolar really.

I am doing this blog most importantly for myself and my own issues, and if by other people reading it using the tags of bipolar, or mental illness, or whatever read it, and it helps them too, then that’s even better. I struggled with the isolation of being bipolar for years, and I knew it wasn’t ME and I didn’t want to feel that way, but I also didn’t know what to do. I finally got a really good doctor who listens and understands my concerns about medication and diagnosis. Being positive and maintaining the positive attitude has really been helping me maintain my bipolar disorder throughout these last few weeks. I really like this quote because it’s true. Having this mental illness has taught me that I can overcome any challenge, and also not to let things get stuck in my head and give me negative energy. If I do let things get stuck in my head, I get pulled way the fuck down and it’s so hard to climb out of that. This blog really does help me channel all my thoughts and release them from my head.

Anyway, I got a package this morning at 9 AM and I don’t have a doorbell but Maizy is a great improviser. I’ve never seen how crazy she gets when a delivery man comes to the door since I’m usually at work. She went fucking crazy, which is why I woke up in the first place and actually signed for the package. Anyway, I splurged a little bit with some leftover tax money and purchased myself a new pipe. But not just any pipe, a cupcake one! Thank you to Chameleon Glass for the pipe, case, grinder, storage container, lighter, sticker and candy they sent along with my pipe. It’s my first time ordering with them, but it won’t be my last. They were super fast, excellent customer service, and provided me with tracking information as soon as it was available. So here it is!!!!!!!

I also got in touch with the unemployment office today. They told me they would release my first payment today, and I should have it in my bank account in a few days. I shouldn’t have had to call in the first place, it should have been done automatically. Of course, it wasn’t….so I had to get on their asses and take care of business myself. I have to certify again on Monday for the last 2 weeks, and then it should release a couple days after that. I got a notice from the unemployment office last week that said my employer never responded to the paperwork they sent over as to why I was terminated, and so by default I automatically get unemployment.

I also reached out to my former boss and told him I tried contacting HR regarding getting reimbursed for the wages they took out of my last paycheck for insurance. Basically in my email to my former boss I said hey, I know this isn’t your job, but can you please get the fuck on the person who is so we can be done with this already? Shortly after I emailed him I got a response back from HR. She told me she was out of the office sometime when I sent her the email and it had gotten pushed down in her inbox and she lost track of it and never followed up. She didn’t really have an answer as to when I’d get my money back, hopefully this week. She said she would have a better idea once payroll is finished and that I should email her on Thursday to get more information. I made sure I put 2 reminder notices on my iPhone calendar to follow up Thursday. I want every last dollar I can possibly get out of that place.

When I checked the mail today I got a letter stating that I was accepted for Medicaid. So I have health insurance. YAY! I also got another letter from the state saying they needed more information from me in order to qualify me for food assistance. I got the paperwork today, and they needed to receive it today. I called at 4:30 and left a message and said hey dudes, I just got this today, and there’s no way I can get this information to you today. So hopefully they’ll return my call tomorrow and allow me to have extra time.

I also got in touch with someone I used to be a server with. He recently moved into the area and is serving at one of my favorite Italian restaurants out here and said he makes bank. He is going to try and get me some part time work up there so I can get cash, and my unemployment. It’s temporary. I definitely do not want to be a server for very long, I enjoy office work too much. (That was my back handed way of saying I’d rather be lazy and sit at a desk than actually work on my feet!)

Well, now I guess I’m having some company. Someone I haven’t seen in a while. I’m glad I did my makeup today….I just wish I would’ve done my hair so I could look my absolute best, but whatever. I think I look decent. Pale, but decent. More bronzer. Definitely more bronzer. I will post about how this rendezvous goes.

If you had a shitty Monday, don’t forget my trick to instant LOL’s on Monday! (Google image search fuck monday memes)

P.S.– The countdown is officially on!!!

Sunday clarity

I woke up with a clear head this morning of what I need to do in order to move on with my life. Just simple, move on. Put the past in the past, life is a gift, which is why it’s called the present. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s so true. I am tired of being hurt, then feeling sorry for myself. It’s just time to pick up and move the fuck on. I have to have faith that in the end this thing called KARMA will catch up to those that deserve it.

I’m smart, pretty, fun, with a good sense of humor, and I will always be ME. I have been feeling a lot more confident with myself, and my weight loss too, and I should embrace that. I shouldn’t feel like shit over something that happened in the past, and how totally fucked up and wrong it was on the other persons part. I need to stop trying to get into the other persons head. I’ll drive myself crazy trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. They’re just wrong. I can’t justify something wrong into something right in my head.

I’m not the same person I was even a year ago. I was still really depressed over my weight gain, I didn’t feel pretty or confident. I didn’t want to go out or be seen, I didn’t want to go shopping to do anything to make myself seem attractive because I didn’t feel like it at all. Now I feel totally different, and I should celebrate my looks, embrace my life.

That’s right! 17 more days until April 29 in which I will be turning 29 years old. My golden birthday! (Your golden birthday is supposed to be your lucky year, when you turn your age on your birthdate.) I just have a lot of change going on right now in my life and it’s hard. I need a new job, a new man, new men, money, and just to be happy and carefee again. People like me, you wouldn’t ever think it’s hard for someone like me to open up, because I am (obviously) a very open book, but I don’t like NEW. I knew that I did need a new job however because I did NOT like the way things were going at my old job, the people, the stupid everyday bullshit, the unfairness, the pure disgust I have for other employees. Yeah. I’m glad I’m out. Other than for financial reasons.

I want to scream, cry, laugh, hide, run, play, all these different emotions at once. Some parts of my life I am totally content with, and right now I don’t know how I’m getting food, or my next rent check, or any of the other numerous bills that are stacking up right now, however I am taking it one fucking day at a time.

Anything further than that is too much. Even talking about this right now is starting to make me a little panic-y. Next subject.

I haven’t done laundry in about 2 weeks so later on I’m going to mosey on over to my mom’s house and get that done. I don’t know what else we’ll get into while I’m there but it’s always a blast, even if it’s a lazy Sunday doing laundry hanging out with our dogs. I’m glad I have a good relationship with my mom. ❤ It’s good to remind myself of all the GOOD things I have going on right now. Positive mindset.

Also, tonight is the premiere of the 7th and FINAL season of Nurse Jackie! I am so excited it’s back! I went back and caught up on the entire show in anticipation for the final season. I can’t wait to see how they spin this.

Tune in tonight at 9 PM! If you don’t have Showtime they’re offering a free week this week. (At least for Comcast subscribers) Also, don’t I have the cutest dog ever???

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit

 

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit…Specifically your bullshit. I just want to be free of your bullshit and lies. I can’t be blinded anymore. I can’t be pushed aside anymore. I’m done with games. I’m over everything. I am taking action. I gave warning. That’s all I’m going to say. I want to be done. This is over. It can’t officially be over because technically I am involved as long as you are legally, but that’s it. I just need to figure everything out and get my ducks in a row and that’s it. Paperwork. Just paperwork.

In order to have complete control over my life, and that involves positivity, complete focus on my life, that means letting go of this chapter. I mean I knew that already with some of the decisions I have made recently but whatever. This is it. This is goodbye.

But I am in my happy place now, and that is where I shall remain. Optimistic and hopeful. I will rely on my strengths and I will push through this and remain strong. I will hopefully find a job soon and figure something out because I did have to end up paying my landlord. He didn’t want me to do the escrow thing, which is fine. It was just protection anyway, so I just paid it. Fuck it. Now I have to figure out my other bills, and fast. I’m scrambling. I don’t really want to think about that right now because it puts me into a deep place. Okay, focus.

I’m jamming out right now. I love the Pandora House station so fucking much, and this song. (click screenshots to make larger)

I’m sure I’ll have something more to post later so watch back for an update later…

Shit, I love this song too.

This song is perfect. It’s going to be my new ringtone. Things can only get better. I suggest you youtube it.

Music is so uplifting. I love seriously all types of music, but I love the house station on Pandora specifically because it’s like an instant party. It always puts me in a good mood. I would listen to it all the time at work during these bullshit calls and I would feel like I’m in a rave or something. Told you I would keep posting. 😉

Update 10:48 PM:

  

  

Faith

When people fuck up, everyone loses faith. I guess when someone fucks up, I don’t lose faith. I have even more faith then ever. Maybe it’s because I’m prone to fucking up, so I know that a turn around is just around the corner. But fuck up and faith begin with the same letter so, that’s symbolic to me. I guess with conversations I’ve had to have today, most of them on defensive mode, inspired this blog.

I can’t explain why I feel the way I feel. But when you know it, you go with it. I’ve been where people had no faith in me, and gave up on me. Most people have. Why shouldn’t they? What good am I? I can’t get my shit together to save my life. I barely try. I only really give a shit about myself. I hear it all the time. From my friends and my family. It’s the truth, it’s just not the whole truth. I care about other people way more than I give a shit about myself, but I’ll never show it because having feelings scares the shit out of me.

But back to having faith, I have faith in a person that no one else does right now. I give a shit maybe because no one else does. I have faith because I have feelings and know this person means well. I don’t need to justify and defend them, they are good through and through. They get down on their knees and pray to do well. I have faith they will do right by me, and that’s all I can ask. I have faith. ❤

PS – Happy Birthday to a former friend who I lost contact with and we no longer speak to, and who doesn’t read this. But, I think of you and our friendship. We just fell out of touch after I fell out of our circle and shit but I miss you and I think I’ll shoot you a text right now.

Update – I reached out to my friend and she responded. Awesome sauce.

Also, this show is the tits:

Another update – Ran out of episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (started last night) so I moved on to House of Cards. Again, house of tits because I like to emphasize anything with tits or fuck, because that’s how I roll. Kevin Spacey is tits. Sounds A+ to me.

Caught the clock at my birthday time! (4/29) I’m really pushing through and trying to find faith in myself today. I don’t know if it’s positive thinking, pot, happy thoughts, or content.

Whatever it is, I like having my happy place (here) to come to to share my randomness. My life is a fuckfest. I need to get my ass to work. I wish work fit around my custom schedule sometimes. Like I could deal with my bullshit and work. But I can’t. I am just hoping that everything will be a-ok. Like it has to be, right? I received more information leading me to believe that it won’t be, but I am just going to let go, and let God. I know that seems a little cheesy but, whatever. When I called my team lead this morning to tell him I wasn’t coming in and what the situation was, he said a prayer with me. I found it refreshing. It was what kind of inspired this to begin with to be honest.

So yeah, I’ll hit this and try again for tomorrow.

Oh Monday. We meet again.

There’s just something about Monday’s I hate. I know I’m not the only one. There’s a reason The Bangles sang, “Manic Monday” because well, it’s always a fucking hot mess and they suck. I got a bunch of totally awesome Monday pics.

I had to start off with that one because my bestie text this this morning about how much coffee she was going to need this morning. I did too, but because I didn’t sleep at my house, or have time to make any, I settled for Kool Aid until I got to work and got my hands on the unlimited supply of free coffee & tea. (Every flavor and strength too!)

Since all I do is bullshit with peeps on the phone, I really wanted to say this meme/phrase but I couldn’t. Damnit.

Honestly now that my seat at work has been moved at work it’s been great
My motivation has been through the roof since I’m not surrounded by people who want to bring me down and who think they can boss me around and tell me how to live my life. The one time I say NO, I can’t be your “friend.” Im now a piece of trash.

Rise above. That’s the only way I can survive. Rise above. Get over yourself.

Anyway, that’s enough of that. I’m over Monday.

Oh and last, but most certainly not least THANK YOU for supporting my blog! I know it’s new and I’m just starting to launch this, but you all have been very encouraging a supportive and I appreciate the reads, the likes, the follows, or however WordPress does it! Thank you! You’re amazing!!!!

Where was I going with this?

Most blogs are to vent and be all splish splash in haterade. I’m taking all my emotions straight to the net int the form of positivity. See it, think it, believe it. Example.

This morning it’s cold as fuck. No surprise there, it’s Michigan. But, as I pull out on the road early as hell (I’ve been getting to work early to do campaign build so it won’t take away from my phone time — yeah weird, and productive.) But anyway, the sky looks so beautiful, and cotton candy like.

It’s kind of pink & purple which I ~*love*~.

So work was decent I guess. I tried to stay in my own zone despite what else may be going on. I had a few appointments already scheduled today which were guaranteed sales, and I made a couple of cold calls which turned into sales as well.

Also, another bonus of the day:

I passed driving school! Yay! I was offered driving school back in November instead of getting points on my license. Of course I looked for the easiest one I could find, and I waited until the last possible minute. My deadline is TOMORROW. (I got the ticket November 9, 2014… oops!) She also reached out to me about advertisement and I told her I would get her assigned to my book at work and we could work together. Now neat is that? Maybe with her help I might make some of that Secretary of State money back in commission. That would be nice.

I’m only *slightly* bummed because today I had to move my desk out of my comfort zone. But hey, I don’t mind. It gives me a whole new perspective of things. I miss all my ninjas I used to sit with but I guess I need to refocus my energy. Like this guy:

I’m so excited to do it all again tomorrow! Yes! Another day living the dream!

Speaking of dreams, if unicorns were real would be their anatomy.

Ah shit! What the hell am I talking about? Unicorns are real! I am one! Bitch!

I think I did a little bit too much of this while writing this post since I have to wait up for someone to get home and pick them up. Weeeeeee!

Listening to: Deadmau5 & Kaskade, “I Remember (Remix)”