Lets try positivity!

Love

Who says you have to be IN love to have love? I’m surrounded by love every single day. Maybe not in the way I want it, but I’m getting there. Being around these kids that love and look up to me so much makes me realize you can find love in a hopeless place. I have. I’m winning the fight. I know this blog is my happy place, and lately it hasn’t been to happy. But, I haven’t been too happy lately. Now, I’m happy. I feel like I’m on the right track. Or some track at least. I haven’t been on track in a long time. I’ve been lost in a chaotic space for far too long, and I’m back bitches.

I have been feeling good spiritually, which helps. I went to my old home today and donated all my exes stuff. It’s going to go to people who actually want it, and need it, and not use my old home as a storage facility. These were our last ties, and I tried to be nice and give it to his family, and they blew me off, so that’s it. Bye bye. Not feeling any guilt or resentment over it. All the things he did to me, and how he did me so wrong. I felt like a fool for actually wanting him back for a half second despite all the horrible things he did to me and in life in general.

I’m glad I’ve grown into myself, and back into the dating world. It’s pretty scary when you cut yourself off emotionally from everyone for so long, then you try to love again. You have blinders on for sure. I knew I was going down and dark and dangerous path, but you get sucked in. Their games get me. But I got smart. Much like this.

You’re in jail, I’m in not. When you get out of jail, you’ll still be on a shit load of tight ass probation which you fucked up last time within 2 months. Oh, and and alcohol tether will be real nice for an alcoholic. It feels good to have those problems not be my problems anymore. Adios. Rot in your misery. I wish you well, but bad people like you never get better because they don’t want to. Bye bye. Later hater.

But back to love. I feel like I’m incapable of real love. I keep going back and forth between two of the most different men possible. I can’t choose. I like the nice guy, he gives me what I want, what I deserve, tells me what I want, and not because he wants to get in my pants. He’s generous, sincere, kind hearted, and true, all the way through. On the other hand I have my kind of ex, but we were friends for a long time. We argue about stupid things, but we relate to each other on a different level that most can’t understand. He does things for me too. I guess I’m conflicted because I’m used to getting hurt, that if anyone is going to hurt, I guess I’ll be doing the hurting?

No, I’m too nice of a person to be like that. So I’ll make a decision. One knows about the other. The other does not, and would probably die if he found out. I’m keeping my options option. That’s it. I’m a single woman and entitled to do so.

But you don’t to have an actual boyfriend, girlfriend or partner to have love. Love is everywhere. Love is waking up with a smile and getting out of bed in the morning when you used to lay in bed all day depressed. Love is having little kids wanting to spend every waking minute with you because they think you’re the coolest and you’re their best friend. (because technically you’re not their aunt) Love is being able to help someone who needs help out, and asking for nothing in return. We do find it in hopeless places. Maybe because we feel hopeless, and not capable of love. But we all are. No matter your depression, your mental illness, whatever is dragging you down. Find love in that god damn pudding you want to eat but haven’t because you’re worried about calories. FUCK IT. Love is everywhere, we have to find it any make it ours, claim it, and call it love.

If you have days like I had, remember, there’s beauty in you too. You are beautiful. Inside and outside. Love yourself for who you are. We have one life to live, embrace it. You are a beautiful individual and you should embrace it.

I hope this is a little bit back to the happy place my blog once was. The Calvin Harris and House station on Pandora always get me inspired to write. Hence where the song and this blog came from. Please feel free to share or subscribe to my blog. My goal is to raise awareness about mental illness, so if you, or someone you know struggles with one, or you think might have one, please, send them my blog. I live with this everyday. It’s a bitch. But if I can go through it everyday, I believe most can. All it takes is a little bit of this, which my blog has given some people…

Enjoy your almost weekend bitches! ❤ Enjoy the song and the blog and hopefully you’ll find love in a hopeless place.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit

 

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit…Specifically your bullshit. I just want to be free of your bullshit and lies. I can’t be blinded anymore. I can’t be pushed aside anymore. I’m done with games. I’m over everything. I am taking action. I gave warning. That’s all I’m going to say. I want to be done. This is over. It can’t officially be over because technically I am involved as long as you are legally, but that’s it. I just need to figure everything out and get my ducks in a row and that’s it. Paperwork. Just paperwork.

In order to have complete control over my life, and that involves positivity, complete focus on my life, that means letting go of this chapter. I mean I knew that already with some of the decisions I have made recently but whatever. This is it. This is goodbye.

But I am in my happy place now, and that is where I shall remain. Optimistic and hopeful. I will rely on my strengths and I will push through this and remain strong. I will hopefully find a job soon and figure something out because I did have to end up paying my landlord. He didn’t want me to do the escrow thing, which is fine. It was just protection anyway, so I just paid it. Fuck it. Now I have to figure out my other bills, and fast. I’m scrambling. I don’t really want to think about that right now because it puts me into a deep place. Okay, focus.

I’m jamming out right now. I love the Pandora House station so fucking much, and this song. (click screenshots to make larger)

I’m sure I’ll have something more to post later so watch back for an update later…

Shit, I love this song too.

This song is perfect. It’s going to be my new ringtone. Things can only get better. I suggest you youtube it.

Music is so uplifting. I love seriously all types of music, but I love the house station on Pandora specifically because it’s like an instant party. It always puts me in a good mood. I would listen to it all the time at work during these bullshit calls and I would feel like I’m in a rave or something. Told you I would keep posting. 😉

Update 10:48 PM:

  

  

When you don’t know your next move….

I’m literally backed into a corner right now and fucked in every way possible. I don’t know where my next dollar is coming from. But since this is my happy place, and I try to maintain peace and happiness, I decided when you don’t know what your next move is, hug your pet and watch your ultimate favorite TV show that makes you laugh and the episodes never get old.

See examples below:

I have a lot of fucked up shit to deal with tomorrow that requires me to run all over this town, and a couple others. Money, my father, home repair, leaving the home, what the shit. Who cares, drowning it out with happiness.

What an amazing feeling

My mom took me shopping last night because dress pants I have, (in every color too) and most of my blazers all don’t fit me. It wasn’t too long ago we bought a lot of this stuff because nothing else fit because I had gained too much weight. Anyway, I didn’t want to brag because really this post is really like my online journal. There were a few problems with my real journals. 1, I had a hand injury from a car accident so writing hurts like a bitch and 2, I hardly ever go back and read what I write (just basic proof reading) but if I I put it out there on the internet world with other bloggers using tags and other shit, then it can help someone. There’s other like us. SO ANYWAY. /rant hehe

I got a pair of some killer black pants and the same ones in grey, or is it gray, Whatever. Then I got this smashing blazer with that’s a 3/4 sleeve, but the button was missing. The button wouldn’t have fit over my big ass boobs anyway, but I got 50% off on it. Let’s see, I also got a basic black pencil skirt which is pretty nice cause you can day it from day wear to night wear (it’s stretchy so if you just pulled it up to make it super short and slutty it would stay.) My mom also insisted I get this black and grey leopard dress. I thought it was ugly as hell but once I tried it on it was totally cute. It’s a wrap dress too. (I should be taking pictures but I am also applying for jobs. SUE ME)

THEN they had some summer dresses they had pulled out, marked down, and ticketed limited quantity. So to my surprise I fit into a much smaller size (the only one available too) and I can’t even begin to tell you how good that felt. I didn’t even know what pants size to pick out. I started a size under what I thought and just kept going down. I have been SO SELF CONSCIOUS of my body and the weight gain that this stupid bipolar medication did to me. It like killed my spirit, because who wants to be happy when they’re over weight, they really can’t control it, they want to hide all the time, and they KNOW IT’S ALL ANYONE EVER SAYS WHEN THEIR NAME COMES UP. Come on, I’m shallow and I’ve done it, don’t say you haven’t too, because you’re either lying or you’re this guy:

It feels good to be a clothes whore again, even though I am flat fucking broke without a job. LOTS OF JOB PROSPECTS. But still, I can look at something and think I can’t buy that because I can’t wear it because you can’t wear shit like that anymore because you’re bipolar and the meds they have you on made you gain so much weight. UGH. I have been researching getting more involved with mental illness awareness because there is SUCH a stigma involved with it.

After being diagnosed as bipolar, my doctor just kept increasing my meds, just more, and more, and more, and more. Never asked how I was doing or anything. She ultimately made me WORSE. Put me into a BIGGER depression. Yeah I took the meds, but you just kept giving me more, and that’s not what I needed.

The circumstances that lead me to my doctor now are pretty fucked up and I really don’t think I want to talk about that on here but what he isn’t is a pill pusher. I feel like every doctor in the private mental health world is a pill pusher. And hey, I know how it works too. I worked in a medical office for 3 years, I know about the deals they make with the drug companies, and how they wine & dine them to push their drugs. I use to schedule the appointments with the drug reps to meet with the doctors. They had to get through ME. So they used to butter me up. So it’s all bull shit in the private practice, which is why I’m glad I ended up on the state level.

My ADHD is kicking into OVERLOAD right now. I’ve done 2398508 things today already and still have more to come. My post originally was just about how proud I am of myself for overcoming the depression I had over everything, and then over the weight gain and found a way to be strong and do something about it. Because for SO LONG I talked about doing something about it. I would even make the effort for a couple of weeks to do something about it, but then give up hope. Not that I didn’t care, but I can’t explain it. I guess other people who struggle with mental illness can maybe understand that emptiness inside?

I can’t say I wasn’t somewhat motivated because I’ve always had a job. The longest I haven’t had a job was 4 months and there was a lot of fuccccccccckkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeedddddddddd up shit that happened then so I needed like a mental break. But as soon as I made a call to an old pal, I got an interview for the job I just got fired from.

So the medication and my old doctor was definitely disabling me from moving forward for uhhhhhhh 4 years, almost 5. My doctor said I have a CLEAR malpractice suit, but for what? Still ADHD is kicking in.

Oh yeah, so I lost weight, and I’m really happy for the summer. I did manage to take 2 pics last night of these dresses. On sale! Limited quantities. I know we were looking for business gear but uhhhhhhh, what can I say we’re shopaholics.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

A third interview?

Yup, apparently those still happen. They really narrowed down their search so I’m sure they want to find the best candidate. There is a lot of growth potential there too which is something you couldn’t dream of at the last place. I take that back, you could dream about it, but that’s about 

 

Listen dudes you’re not going to get promoted, you’re jokes, you suck at sales. When someone asks you a question, especially someone who genuinely doesn’t ask for much help, and the second you walk over to “their” desk to “help” fix “their”, you decide responding to a text message is MUCH more important. And it wasn’t anything to do with dealth, injury, illness, nothing, just BS. 

I could totally fight the loss of my job but instead I found this: 

  

Whoever plotted against me, whoever fucking hates me, good for you. I’m a good person. I may be narsasstic and spoiled and I own it. But I’m also smart as hell, I have an education, I’ve traveled the world, have had and will continue to have many wonderful and once in a life time opportunities. 

My haters are going here: 

  

I think this is my best post EVERRRR!

Omg today was PERFECTION. 

In addition to being completely pissed off from people just not knowing how to do their jobs at all, I just get told all day long how hard I need to try. Just push, push, push. It’s the end of the month. Come on! Let’s rally! Woo! 

I get it. I do. But like, do you get it? The struggle is real in the sales world. 



I listen like a champ. But do I really “listen?” No. I don’t. This is what I hear. 







And finally, and most importantly….





I mean, it’s kinda funny. Don’t you think? I don’t give a shit at this point how many people love me or hate me here, there, or anywhere. You can’t please everyone. Well, technically speaking you can. They’re called hoes. 





You have friends. Frenemies. And enemies. I am drawing the line. You’re either in, or you’re out. No in betweeners. If you don’t have me all the way, I don’t want any part of you jn my life. My life comes with a lot of this: 





It feels so good to vent to the Internet. Especially since I’m on the verge of a mini panic attack. *Whew* 

This Day Could Have Been Shit

Like I said, this is my happy place! Today could have been absolute shit. I mean considering my car said it is -20 degrees and I have no water in my house! Yeah! Woo! I didn’t want to be negative Nancy today because I was yesterday with this water, and my landlord, and blah, blah, blah. I’m trying to put positive out there. Like this:

I had a decent day at work. Not my most productive, but it’s President’s Day and most offices are closed. So I got a few sales, scheduled a few appointments for the week, sent out a few emails, nothing too snazzy. But, I think that positivity I was spewing did work because *BOOM* guess what I won?

Yep. Just what I needed to splash up my gas tank for the week so I didn’t have to swipe my card and over draw it. I left work early because my landlord said he was at the house. By the time I got here the water was on. I left the faucets on so that if the water did come on it wouldn’t freeze again. It worked!

So FUCK YOU MONDAY for trying to fuck with me. Positive Polly over here won’t let it. Oh yeah, welcome to my first official post!

Listening to: Deorro featuing DyCy, “Five Hours”