I don’t even remember the last time I updated but it’s been months. I thought since I’m doing better I should update. A few months ago I finally found a job that I like. I had a couple of jobs here and there over the span of time I left Google but nothing that challenges me the way Google did. I went from being at the top of my game, to back to rehab.
I have to say rehab did me a lot of good. I’m on better medications, I have a good job that I’m really good at. I have a small group of friends and that’s really all I need. I’m still living at my dads house and I want to get out so bad, however I don’t trust myself right now.
I got rid of all the negative influences in my life. I finally let evil go. (He’s referenced a lot in this blog as evil) I finally decided he was bringing me down and that I had to cut ties. Even if it means he hates my guts and never wants to speak to me again, I’m okay with that. I can’t save everyone. I need to focus on myself. He just took up way too much of my time and energy.
I did start dating someone else I met, however he turned out to be an asshole. Same pill popping, alcoholic type I usually go for. He actually told me how fat and disgusting I was. Then he started to get angry and threaten me. He even called my new job. I cut ties with him a long time ago. I’ve learned I don’t have the best choice in men so I’m going to continue to be single. I’ve been putting myself out there again though. Went back on this dating site. I think I’m ready to start over again. I guess we’ll see how that goes.
My job is fantastic! I work in the business development center for a car dealership. I schedule appointments for the sales team, customer service, call customers about promotions the dealership has each month. I get commission whenever I schedule an appointment or sell a car. Last month was my first full month and I sold 17 cars. This month has been incredibly slow for car sales and I’m one at like 7 right now. I know it’s not me, people just aren’t buying. Next couple of months seem promising with follow ups and what not.
Basically what I’m trying to say is….
It’s taken me a long time to get stable and establish myself somewhere so I’m finally conforming to society again.
Speaking of work, I have to put my phone down and start getting ready for work. But I hope all my followers are still here and continue to follow my journey!
The message I got last night from evil hit me hard. However I will say this. Lately I’ve been feeling in the dumps about my life. I know I have to take my medication because when I do I feel good. I see the strong correlation with that now. But I realized I tried to blame my addiction on my ex and what he said to me last night made me realize so many things about myself. Maybe since I know where I stand with all the guys in my life right now I think it’s as good as a time ever just to move on. Just start fresh somewhere. Make myself over. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I have to make a clean break. I really did do him wrong and now that I’m clean headed I can see it and I feel horribly and I know there’s no going back. There’s no going back to any of these so I might as well move forward. I shouldn’t be holding on to anything into the past anymore. I’m thinking about reactivacting my dating profile and just going for it. Clean break right. I know one is in jail, one is a total scum bag loser and the other is in love with me but I don’t see a future. So there’s that. I just need to get out there and stop rehashing the past. I want to be around better people. More positive people and that’s it. That’s just what I have to do. I hope this isn’t Just a feeling but something that lasts. I have to close this chapter and start a new one. I’m going 30 and I’m trapped yet again at my dads house and if I don’t step up nothing is ever going to change in my life and I desperately need change. I think in this moment I’m finally accepting the responsibility for all the damage and the things I’ve done during my addictive addiction and I feel really bad about it because I didn’t even realize how bad things were.
I have been feeling feelings for evil today. I heard the song “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey and it just made me think of him. It’s weird because I heard the song this morning before I went to work, then when I came home from work the letter I wrote him in treatment came back today (almost a month later) return to sender. I guess I had the address wrong. I was going off memory and I always GPS’ed the address, so I wasn’t sure if it was even correct. Here’s the song, and the lyrics.
“Blue jeans, white shirt Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn It was like, James Dean, for sure You’re so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know That love is mean, and love hurts But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!
I will love you ’til the end of time I would wait a million years Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine Baby can you see through the tears Love you more Than those bitches before Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh I will love you ’til the end of time
Big dreams, gangster Said you had to leave to start your life over I was like, “No please, stay here, We don’t need no money we can make it all work, ” But he headed out on Sunday, said he’d come on Monday I stayed up waitin’, anticipatin’, and pacin’ But he was chasing paper “Caught up in the game” ‒ that was the last I heard
I will love you ’til the end of time I would wait a million years Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine Baby can you see through the tears Love you more Than those bitches before Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh I will love you ’til the end of time
You went out every night And baby that’s alright I told you that no matter what you did I’d be by your side Cause Imma ride or die Whether you fail or fly Well shit at least you tried. But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died I told you I wanted more, but that’s not what I had in mind I just want it like before We were dancing all night Then they took you away, stole you out of my life You just need to remember….
I will love you ’til the end of time I would wait a million years Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine Baby can you see through the tears Love you more Than those bitches before Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh I will love you ’til the end of time”
It just really hits me. He really hits me. I don’t like to think about him, about us. Because whenever I do I get really sad, confused, I don’t know what to do, what to think. There is nothing to think about right now because we are in two completely different places. I went through treatment and I’m out living my life. He’s in treatment, not by choice but court ordered for 6 months. So where does that leave us? There was so much left unsaid. It hurts. I hate feeling these feelings. That’s what sobriety is about. Feeling all the feelings that you covered up in your active addiction. They come out, and boy are they fucking STRONG.
I know there’s nothing I can do about it, which I guess that’s a good thing. I know that if I could act on these feelings, it might not necessarily be a good thing. I guess that’s why it’s good to have distractions for now. I broke up with good for a reason. It wasn’t fair to string him along, especially since he is such a sweet guy, and he deserves better, which isn’t me. I’m not quite sure what I want right now, but I know he isn’t it. I know that I had a lot of intense feelings for him while I was in treatment, but as soon as I left and saw him again, the feelings just weren’t there. Plus I’ve already cheated on him. The day after we broke up I hooked up with someone else. I obviously have no soul. My heart is clearly elsewhere. Until I get that back, maybe I am just better with distractions.
But I guess if I truly loved evil too I wouldn’t be seeking distractions either? I can’t be sure things will ever work between us. I can’t just cut myself off completely from dating and sex when I don’t even know if we’ll ever work, if he’ll ever change. He hasn’t yet. I don’t know if he’s capable, if he wants to. He hasn’t yet. He’s not even in treatment because he wants to be, he’s there because he has to be. I went because I wanted to get better. That’s the difference between us. Could it ever work? Could I ever trust him because of that? The trust has never been there completely before. That’s the thing about sober relationships, is that you can’t do someone elses recovery for them. But I’m the kind of person who will always want to. I was once told when you start trying to do someone elses recovery for them is when you start losing focus on your own, and that’s when you are most likely to fuck up. So essentially I’m asking for a disaster either way. I know I should avoid him at all costs, everyone tells me so, all the signs tell me to, but my heart says something else.
I’m obviously not going to do anything about this. I just got really emotional when I heard that song. My heart skipped a beat, then almost stopped for a minute. I literally stopped getting ready this morning and listened to it twice. I was stopped dead in my tracks, I couldn’t move. I just became so overwhelmed. It’s like, you don’t think about something for so long because you shove it so deep inside that eventually it just explodes.
I just need to keep my schedule filled with hotties. Line them up, so that by the time that evil gets out of rehab I’m all like what, who are you? Look how good I look, and I’m so busy with all my male friends, and I’m not a slut I’m just “sexually popular.” (It’s a thing now. I just made it up but it’s a thing, it’s not slutty, it’s trendy.)
Tomorrow should be a good day. I’m going to attempt to sleep in tomorrow. Then I’m going to go shopping with my mom. I want to hit up my favorite store in Ann Arbor to get me some new leggings! I used to hate leggings, and said they aren’t pants. However, I now see that if you have the appropriate body to wear them, they can be worn as pants. I guess I opposed to them because I couldn’t wear them. When I got my first pair I asked like 29350802358 people if I looked okay wearing them because I was still in the process of losing weight and wasn’t sure if I could pull the look off. However all 89275928359028 people reassured me that I could. (I convinced myself that the gold metallic leggings I was about to purchase at the time would never come in handy however, nor did not look right no matter how fucked up I got, so I decided against it at the last minute) Then I want to try and hit up Kohl’s to score a few pair of jeans.Then my boo boo wants to have a Cards Against Humanity night at her house. I’m alwaysssss down to play that game, always a good time with that crowd. Should be a good time.
So now I’m going to try and stop feeling feelings. My ex is messaging me on facebook telling me he misses me, loves me, all that. I have a couple other guys texting me dirty messages. (Not that I mind, but I’m not in the mood to entertain this tonight) Can someone just put a pause on feelings for tonight?
I had my first day today and it went pretty well. I did see one familiar face. It was actually a girl that I lived in a three quarter house back in 2011. I was happy to hear that she is still sober. I felt very over qualified in the room, but I guess that’s somewhat of a good thing considering they promote within. A lot of the people in my training group had customer service skills, but had never worked in a call center before. I guess I was that way before when I worked at Verizon. There was a guy that used to work at Verizon. He started saying oh yeah I used to work for Verizon and Netflix, I’m like yeahhhh bud, I worked there too. I felt like saying you’re not that cool by throwing those big names around. You wanna talk big names? I got the biggest. GOOGLE. IN YO FACE BUDDY. No but I didn’t.
So this place has a bunch of different vendors. Right now they have us starting on a Toyota campaign. It’s pretty straight forward. I think the Toyota campaign is the easiest one to train on. The other vendor’s campaigns might be a little more complex with the questions you might be asked, and it might be a little more in depth. In the interview they said they might train us on a couple different campaigns and see which one we take to, but it seems like they might be training all of us on this one right now. I’m okay with that because she said they don’t typically work Sundays. PERFECT BECAUSE I HATE WORKING SUNDAYS. This is what Sundays are for:
Even though I have had a couple of jobs since I’ve left Google, I didn’t really see myself keeping them. One of them was not for me. That’s when I was working for Ford. That was only for the money. The other job I literally had for one day. I got fired for brushing my hair in the office. In my defense my hair was really fucked up after I walked out to my car to get my reading glasses and it was super windy. Those people are super uptight and need to get the stick out of their asses. I wouldn’t want to keep a job like that anyway. I guess this is the first time that I feel that I could be comfortable. My two bosses are super cute, and super sweet. I love their energy, their positive attitudes and their openness.
It’s been about 3 1/2 years since I’ve worked for a small company. I miss that small company atmosphere. Where you only have a hand full of managers, and they all remember your names. It’s only the first day and they already know who I am. But you get that closeness you don’t get when you work in a huge company with tons of employees. I never felt appreciated at Google. I knew I was one of the top agents (when I wanted to be, and actually came to work) but no one ever came to my desk and told me good job. But my managers seem to really like me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I dazzled the FUCK out the them in the interview. I guess that’s just what I do when I’m put under pressure….
So I like the job, just not that I feel over qualified. I hope the recognize my skills and will hopefully pick up on that. I have done this before, and if this is all I’m going to be doing, I’m going to be needing more challenging work. I guess I should slow my roll. It’s only day #1. Calm down. Breath.
As soon as I got off work, I kicked back and relaxed in my PJ’s just like any normal working woman. What? Just because I haven’t had a consistent job that requires me to go to an office everyday in seven months doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to this moment?
Right now they are having us working on one of the easier campaigns. All we have to do is get customers on the phone and set appointments. That’s why I think they’re starting us on the easiest one. I remembered when she interviewed me she was going to try and see where we fit in best by training us on a couple different platforms. This one seems entirely too easy. However, like ever call center, I could have that script memorize but as soon as the customer comes on the phone, I go blank. Most of the other people who read their scripts did sound like they were reading from a paper. That’s NOT a good look in a call center. Like I said, I feel really over qualified, and a bit out of place. She hired 10 people, and said a lot of them might end up discovering it’s not the job for them, or the simply just don’t come back. I plan on sticking around to see what else might be in store for me. I feel like if I stay focused there could be a lot of great opportunity here for me. I just have to stay focused and take what I’ve learned in the other call centers. Because that’s what they don’t have on me. Now for something completely different.
I started off my day getting ready, but heard from my friend’s ex husband this morning while I was getting ready. (The friend I wrote the blog about yesterday) Well he came to me asking a bunch of things because he’s trying to get full custody of his son. Since the CPS case is still open right now, instead of having him every other weekend, he currently has him full time. The last thing I told my friend in her email is that perhaps I should let CPS know what I know about you. Her response was that the case was closed, but it’s not. Her ex husband is someone I never ever thought that I would talk to. But we have been talking all up until I went to work, and ever since I got home from work. He wants me to help him in the custody case with his son. It’s time sensitive too because the case is closing next week. What I’m going to do is simply call them up, let them know what I’ve seen since I’ve been living there. I realized that my drug use was getting out of control so I decided to leave and get treatment. I would suspect that we were using around the same amount of drugs, but she always had more. So obviously that would lead me to believe she always had more.
Once upon a time this dude was my sworn enemy. But was it only because she’s my best friend. Now here I am on his side. His parents do most of the work for the kid, so what? He’s happy, he’s healthy, he always gets whatever he wants, he’s taken care of. That should be the main goal. Not to worry if the lights are going to stay on, the water, if the house they’re living in is even their house anymore. She has too much drama surrounding her world. So we got to talking and we each shared some interesting stories the other person didn’t know about her. Then I felt inclined to call her other child’s father and ask if he was planning on fighting her for sole custody. He asked me why I wanted to know. I simply told him, well Jeremy’s planning on doing the same thing, and you guys are going to need my help. She’s good at lying, she’s good at getting away with things. But I have nothing to hide. Yes, I was there doing drugs with her, but then guess what? I realized it wasn’t something I could just stop. That I needed help. If something were to come up about it in court, there’s nothing that can hurt me. It’s all out in the open.
Then the other baby daddy reached out to me, and I said I would help him too, because he also wants to maintain full custody of his daughter. She’ll see this as an attack on her, when really this is help lowing her bottom.
I just want her to wake up from her drug induced fog and fucking get it. People are so much more than their mistakes. Your mistakes don’t define you. ❤
Two posts in one day was necessary because I really need to vent about what happened between my friend and I today. You can chose to ignore this, or read how much addiction sucks and ruins lives because people chose to ignore it.
I talked a little bit about how my friend came to me a week ago and said that she wanted to get help and go to treatment. I kind of figured she was bluffing, because that was last Monday, and later on in the week when she still hadn’t made a move I asked her what the deal was. She said she was still researching it, at this point I knew she wasn’t serious. I know she really needs some help because she’s literally lost everything. Her looks, kids, home, car, and her job.
Well anyway, today I decided to message her about the $700 DTE bill that is outstanding. A few days after I moved into her house, the DTE that was in her name got shut off. She was so far behind that she had to pay it in full in order to have her services restored, which of course she didn’t have. Now, I JUST moved in. She begged me to put it in my name with the understanding that she would be taking over the payments. Of course since we have been friends for so long I never got anything in writing. (BIG MISTAKE) According to her mom she had court this morning so she didn’t answer any of my messages right away. When she finally did, she exploded.
First she called me a delusional bitch, and then she showed me some drug test results that were negative. This is the same person who called and texted me like crazy exactly one week ago about needing help and wanting to go to a treatment center. The same person who admitted was still smoking pot and popping pills. I don’t need to stare at a negative drug panel. For all I know you used your kids urine to pass your drug test. I would never put that past an addict. All of these things she told me last week, that I tried to tell her today, she denied ever saying. I’m the sober one. Not the delusional one.
It doesn’t hurt me that she says all these hurtful things to me. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Her words can’t hurt me anymore because I know what my truth is. I came clean about what I’ve done wrong. I went to treatment, I got help, I came clean to my friends and family. I told them I fucked up, and I reached out for help. So calling me a crack head, or saying she wonders how long I’ll last this time, it doesn’t effect me. I know I got this.
The thing that does hurt however is that she can’t see what she’s doing to herself. She can’t see that she has a problem. She’s lying to herself and to everyone around her. She doesn’t have the support of her family anymore. They’ve given up on her because she treats them like shit. After she blocked me on her phone, and on Facebook, I made one last attempt by writing her an email. Of course she was a mega bitch and said she would file a PPO on me. Then I responded and said that I would be receive a PPO this week. For what? There are no grounds. I’ve been talking to her mother via text this entire time and she said she threatens everyone with a PPO. Just to see what she would say back I told her maybe I should let CPS know somethings. She wrote me back and said that her CPS case was closed, but I confirmed with her mother that it’s not.
I’ve been friends with her for 25 years. I’ve been talking to her mom pretty much all day and we have been going back and forth about all the lies she tells. I guess it makes me glad that I got the help that I need and I’m not running around telling these ridiculous lies, falling deeper and deeper. There’s just so much she’s lying about, it’s hard to tell what her truth is anymore. At this point, I truly do feel sorry for her. She doesn’t even know up from down. She’s wasting away into nothing. It’s sad to see. To think that you have known this person your entire life, and now you don’t even know who that person is anymore. That everything they say, or put out there is a lie. They are master manipulators. She had me fooled.
I thought we were helping each other out when I moved in. It made me sicker, and it made her sicker. She didn’t use any of the money I paid her in rent for bills. She claims she’s losing her house, she never paid for the DTE, she doesn’t pay for her own cell phone, she never bought food, anything. So there’s only one thing left, that’s drugs. I know I always shared my stash with her, but she was always selfish and sneeky with hers.
The more and more I converse with her mother, the sadder I get. I want to have hope for her, but I think she’s a lost cause. Especially when she said she wanted treatment, but then today she swears up and down she’s living a sober life. Yet, according to her ex who saw her in court today, she looked like she was messed up. It’s a shame. In a way, I’m kind of glad she doesn’t have her kids. They’re old enough to know somethings not right. Her oldest is fragile and emotional. She shouldn’t be subjected to that.
I know what I’ve been through in my addiction, I know all the people I’ve hurt. I know all the lies I’ve told. I know I thought I was getting away with it. I thought people believed my lies, and I thought I was so good at lying. But I wasn’t. I was horrible. No one believed me. I didn’t think I ever looked fucked up when in reality I always did, and everyone could always tell.
I’m about to go to a mass at my church for all the people in the parish we’ve lost, specifically for me my grandma & grandpa. While I’m there I’m going to say a prayer. Maybe it’ll help.
I can’t believe it’s November. I’ve been through so many changes this year. Right around this time last year is when I was getting ready to move into my new place. My dad had kicked me out of his house and for the month of October I was staying at my friends house. Then I had finally found a place to move to, and had gotten the money and means to move there. Right now I’m feeling a little down on myself because I was so happy to be moving out on my own, have my own place and do whatever I want. When I had my own place, it’s like I was barely at home. When I wasn’t at work, I was always busy doing something else. This also marks one year since I got my precious dog. I love her so much and I’m glad she and I are finally in a safe place.
I know my addiction has effected her to an extent. She wasn’t taken care of the way she deserved. But now she is, and I’m glad I can give that to her. I constantly worried about the care she received when she stayed with my friend and I wasn’t there. My friend treats her cats like shit, so I could only imagine how she would treat my dog. (as she mentioned she hates dogs) I would find her locked up in my small ass little bedroom with her food dish completely filled. So she obviously wasn’t checking on her, she just gave her as much food as possible. Usually it was only for a night or two, but still. She does the same things to her cats. I had to share a bathroom with them in the basement. I was the one who cleaned out that litter box most nights because if I didn’t, she wasn’t going to. It was absolutely disgusting. The day that we moved I was going to use the bathroom down there until I saw the condition of it. It looked like she can’t cleaned it out in about 3 weeks. I could’ve barfed. Why even have animals if you aren’t going to take care of them? Oh I know why, because they’re not your first priority, your addiction is.
It upsets me that within a week, she’s completely forgotten all the conversations she’s had with me. I know she’s not serious about treatment. I’m heartbroken. For her to tell me I’m the only person she trusts, but she obviously doesn’t trust me that much. I feel like I might as well be the dirt on the bottom of her shoe. I’m just getting in the way of all her lies. So, just cut me out. She already deleted me off of her Facebook again. She obviously doesn’t want me to know what’s going on in her life. Probably because all the bullshit she gave me over the phone about not changing, was just a story. I read right through the bullshit anyway. I’m no use to her as a friend, as a resource, of anything until she finally admits all of her problems. You never want to see someone fall apart before you get the chance to help them, but she came for me to help and hasn’t said anything since. So, I don’t know what to make of it. Was she high at the time? Was it just for attention? I can’t believe anything a drug addict says.
Enough of that…. tomorrow I start my new job!
This week I’ll be training on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. Not too bad. There are a couple of different clients and different programs we all will be trained on and they want to see which one we respond best to in order to see which one we will be working on. Little do they know I’m a fucking whiz at all this shit so I should have no problems, and could probably be cross-trained on all the programs by the end of day 3 like a fucking BOSS BITCH.
I sent some letters to a couple of the girls in the treatment center on Thursday morning, hopefully they will be getting them today. It was before I found out that I got my job and stuff, so they’re a little outdated. But hopefully they’ll write back and I can give them some good news. I feel bad because I didn’t write them ALL back. But it’s hard to keep up with who is there, who left, that kind of stuff. So the two girls I did write I am almost positive they’re still there. I know when I got letters it always lifted my spirit, so I hope it does the same for them. Plus I dumped a bunch of glitter in their letters, just like I said I would. Then I had to tape the shit out of the envelopes so it wouldn’t leak. hehehe.
A little bit about my break up…okay, so Good really is a great guy. He’s honest, sweet, caring. You know, all those things that I wanted in a guy since I typically date the losers who just use me. I was writing him everyday in treatment about how much I cared about him, how much I loved him, all of that. But then, I got out of treatment, and it’s like something changed. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like a switch inside me flipped. My mom calls it the real world but I’m serious. I really don’t know what happened. I wanted to tell him right then and there when I first saw him that I felt differently, but I could tell he missed me so much, and had been waiting for that moment for a really long time, so I didn’t say anything. Then he helped me moved, and stayed over at the house for the weekend, so I still didn’t say anything then. He kept telling me things like I’m the only thing that makes him happy. I felt so much pressure from that. I felt pressure to keep our relationship together because if I want to see him, I have to make the 20 minute drive to go get him, then the 20 minute drive to drop him back off. He doesn’t have a car. I just got out of treatment, and I already landed myself a job.
He told me MONTHS ago that if he didn’t have a job by a specific date then he was going to start working with his brother. That date came and went 4 months ago, and he’s sat around and got nothing done. I’m resenting him for doing nothing with his life. All the mean while I go to treatment, I get out, get my life back on track, go out get a job, and now I’m about to start that job…..and you did what exactly? I can’t be his girlfriend and his care taker and tell him what to do, and how to get his life in order. Granted, he is younger than me, so if he wants to fuck around and do nothing with his life right now, he’s perfectly entitled to do that. But I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to man up and start earning so they can get out of the misery they complain about all the fucking time. I just could see myself resenting him because I’m moving forward with my life, and he’s standing still. Eventually that resentment would’ve turn into hate. I don’t want to hate him because he’s one of the sweetest guys I know. It absolutely killed him when I broke up with him. It’s something that I’ve been putting off for a while. But then I realize I’m sacrificing someone elses feelings for my own, and that’s not healthy.
So here I am, and there he is. He doesn’t have a phone, car, job, nothing. I can’t wrap my mind around that at all. He keeps on getting less and less as I continue to rise and gain more and more. It’s almost like he sits around and waits for things to happen. Much like my friend and her “trying to go to rehab” thing. They’re sitting around waiting for some great moment of clarity where everything will finally all make sense for them to do what they need to do.
LIFE DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY. THERE IS NEVER A PERFECT MOMENT. YOU HAVE TO CREATE IT. GET UP AND DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM LIVING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. YOU WON’T REGRET IT LATER. YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT MOMENT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Happy Halloween everyone! I survived my first night out being sober in a “wet” environment. It’s not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Not for me at least, but the temptation isn’t there. I’m not a big drinker. Some of the people I was with were on some stuff, but again, not tempted. I guess it’s because I know and realize how bad my addiction is and I really have no desire to add fuel to its fire. I guess my willpower is strong enough to just be comfortable in my surroundings. The people around me can do whatever they want, get as fucked up as they want, and I can just do me. I’m obviously still going to have just as much fun as everyone else, and I sure as hell did, let me tell you 😉
My day started off pretty casual. I hung out at my friends house for a little bit. I got there maybe around 3ish. Not sure. She left work early because she wasn’t feeling well, but felt okay by the time I got there. I made sure she was in good spirits and still wanted to go out before I got there. She made sure she wanted to go out no matter what. We dicked around for a little bit. We went to Walmart and got our kitty accessories for our costumes, then some food. We smashed then dropped her son off, then met her brother and his friend up at a restaurant near her house. (and my old house)
A little back story, her brother and I have always had this weird, flirtatious thing going on. We don’t necessarily like each other. Only in certain social situations. However the last time we were together I turned him town (this was right before I went to rehab, and I was certainly not in any condition to go home with anyone, so I give myself major props for turning him down, even though I didn’t necessarily want to.) So the last couple of weeks I have been trying to get him to hang out with me, however he’s been a total douche bag. For some reason, his rejection has been hurting my feelings, despite the fact that I know he’s a complete asshole. It still hurts when someone turns you down. ANYWAY, we met up with him and within the first half hour we were already hardcore flirting with each other. (Is this bad considering I broke up with my boyfriend only the day before, and the last time we hooked up I had just broken up with my boyfriend the day before as well? Oh well.) Sometimes it just makes you feel good when you look good, you feel good, you know you’re doing good, and someone’s picking up what you’re putting down, even if they’re an asshole. I guess that makes it even better.
After the group had a few drinks, we went back to my friends house so we could get ready. We then went to a corn maze because we had free tickets. I DID NOT WANT TO GO. Okay, something about being stuck in a giant maze in the dark doesn’t sound fun at ALL. So naturally we got lost. There were SO MANY CIRCLES. I got ready to go out in my dress and everything before the corn maze so I had leggings and my friends boots on. Thank god I did because it was a muddy ass disaster. My friend and I ended up getting separated from the boys. We got super lost and decided to just go back the way we came. (Which ended up being hard as fuck.) We couldn’t take very long anyway because in order to not pay cover at the bar we had to get there before 9. Mission accomplished.
We thought that the bar would be hopping considering it was almost Halloween. It wasn’t. I encouraged my friend to get drunk anyway because of the great drink specials. It seemed to work. No decent guys there either. Total bummer. Maybe next time? I’d post pictures of my friend and I together, but I only post pictures of myself to protect the identities of all my friends.
Here’s a picture of the dress I wore: (It was totally snug the last time I tried it on. It’s so loose now. It’s a Betsey Johnson)
After we let the bar, we decided to go back to my friends house and play a little beer pong were the heavy flirting continued. What can I say? I dressed up as a sex kitten! (not to be confused with a sexy kitten, hehe) It just comes with the territory. Somewhere around 1:00 it was time to leave, however I wasn’t quite ready to go, if you know what I mean…. 😉
I got home somewhere around 2:30 where my dad bitched me out about how my dog kept waking him up and shit. Uhhhh, why don’t you just put her in my room where she sleeps every night? The same place she goes where she doesn’t wake you up? DUHHHH. He’s being a total douche. I’m almost 30 years old and I really don’t have to explain who the fuck I was with. If you really want to know, I can tell you in exact detail WHO I was doing, yes WHO I was doing, not WHAT I was doing, but since I’m your little girl, I’m pretty fucking sure you don’t want to hear that. I know it’s because I’m “fragile’ just coming out of rehab, but dude, I’ve done this before, I know what my limits are. I know what to do and not to do. I got this.
So that’s the tale of last night. I don’t have any plans for today, actual Halloween. I’m pretty tired. I didn’t get to bed until pretty late then my dog woke me up pretty early. I didn’t have any time to buy her a costume, because she’s so big I’d have to order it online. So instead I found my old ladybug costume from circa 2006 and put it on her. She didn’t seem to mind at all.
I’m just going to be rocking out in this tee all day that I bought for Halloween last year (which I am swimming in because it’s so big on me, but it’s all I have!) with my orange and black eyeshadow on. Peace out dudes!
I broke up with my boyfriend last night. (My boyfriend named good if you have been following along.) I’ve been out of treatment for 2 weeks and 1 day. When I was in treatment I had so many intense feelings for him. I would write him letters everyday about how much I loved and missed him. However once I got out, I didn’t feel the same. It’s like a switch flipped inside of me. I don’t know how to explain it, and it totally crushed him. But I had to explain to him that I’m going in one direction, and he’s just standing still. He’s still not working, he doesn’t have a car, or a license. How can I move forward when he isn’t? It’s not fair to me. I want someone who is motivated, and right now it seems like I’m his only motivation. That’s so much pressure. I’ve actually been meaning to break up with him since I got out, but I knew this would absolutely crush him, so I’ve been putting it off.
I told him we can be friends, because I feel like that’s what we’ve been lately. He said that’s all he hears, that he’ll be friends with his ex and it never works out. He knows that I’ll move on and find someone else. Maybe I will? I don’t know. He was very good to me. But lately, since he ran out of money, and he doesn’t have a job, everything has been on me. I’m selfish, I want someone to take care of me. I know this about myself. He did that before, and he knows that about me. He knows he needs to step up. I told him that if he can get his shit together, maybe things will change. I’m giving him a silver lining but do I think we’ll get back together? Probably not. I think the chapter is closed. I don’t think I’ll have those feelings for him again. Which brings me to my next point….
I’m ready to move on. I still have hope that evil & I will get back together. He’s currently in a treatment center for 6 months. I know our relationship won’t work if he doesn’t stay sober. I don’t know if he’s capable of doing it. I want him to be. I hold on to it. But again, I should just move on. 6 months is a long time. I can’t just sit around and wait for him for 6 months. So I’m not. Just because I’m sober, doesn’t mean I can’t have fun, have a social life. Go out and meet new people. Which is EXACTLY what I’ll be doing tonight.
I remember 5 years ago the first time I got sober the first time I went out was at a Halloween party with a good group of people. I wasn’t uncomfortable, I felt totally fine in my environment. People were drinking, having a good time. I had an out if I wanted to leave. I was with a good friend who understood my situation and wouldn’t put me in harms way. She knew that it was a huge leap for me to even come to the party, and knew that I probably wouldn’t stay long, and it was my first venture after my stint in rehab. Well, tonight I’m going to experience that all over again. I’m going to “test the waters” I guess. I’ll be fine. Drinking doesn’t really do it for me, I think drunk people are hilarious.
I mostly want to go out because I love being slutty on Halloween. Plus I have a lot to celebrate. (with water!) I just got a new job, I’m newly single, newly sober, I’m fresh out on the prowl. I want to help my friend troll for some new dudes, and she’s going to help me do the same. The best part is, I WON’T HAVE BEER GOGGLES. See example below.
I can also help my friend from this mistake.
The only problem is I have to wear a Halloween costume. I think I might just wear some slutty ass outfit and my Hello Kitty ears and call it a night. I told my friend to get some cat ears, draw on some whiskers and go as a sex kitten. (See what a good influence I am?) Meowwww =^^=
My other friend came to me on Monday and said that she wanted to go to treatment. She had a court date on Wednesday, and after that she was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend because of his involvement with drugs and all the drama he brings. Well, it’s now Friday and she has yet to make any changes. I honestly don’t believe she’s going to do it. I know she NEEDS to do it, I PRAY she’ll do it. I told her this isn’t the type of thing you dwell on, or research. It’s the type of thing you just go and do. You pack your bags full of random shit. You don’t even know what you packed because you are just so worried about getting there, and then you fucking go. There’s no thinking, no researching, you just go, just do. I ended up re-friending her on Facebook just so I could kind of creep in on her life. I have no interest in being friends with her, taking her calls unless it’s about getting help. She’s very skinny, disgusting looking, crack addict looking. She initially told me that she just needs to go for depression. I told her that’s a load of bullshit. She needs to get honest with herself. She said she’s really good at manipulating doctors. I said well if you want to get better, you have to be honest. You have to tell all your doctors your an addict. You have to realize your body doesn’t know the difference between taking drugs for pain and for pleasure. I pray for her and her children’s sake she gets well. But until she checks herself in, I will not be taking her calls, entertaining her questions about treatment. Her main concern was detoxing. Really? Get over it.
Anyway, I’m going to load myself slap happy full of coffee this morning so I can finally get the motivation to sort through this mountain of shit in the basement that I call my belongings. I have THREE closets worth of clothes. Now that I have a job, I have to organize my shoes which are currently in a box. I can’t believe I treated them so badly. I hope they forgive me. I think I might need another treatment center….
So since I have been out of treatment I have been making some progress. I just recently started a new ADHD medication. I never had a problem with abusing my Adderall but since it is a narcotic it’s best that I don’t take it. So I started something else, I don’t even know what it’s called. It seems to give me a little boost of energy. I feel like I’m about 70 years old with all the different medications I’m on. I take a medication for depression, a stomach pill, an anti anxiety pill 3 times a day, something for seizures and mood stabilizers for my bipolar 3 times a day, and now this ADHD medication, and then something for sleep.
I went for a job interview on Monday. I should be hearing back from them today. I am getting a little nervous as time goes on and I don’t hear anything. I’m afraid to even take a shower and leave my phone for 15 minutes because they might call. I nailed the interview. After the interview was over the lady who interviewed me showed me around the office and introduced me to all the managers and showed me all the different departments. I’m not sure if they did that for everyone, but she also made it clear that everyone knew I worked for Google. They are looking to hire about 10-15 people and starting next Monday so, I really hope that I get this gig. It’s really close to home, it’s within my pay, and it’s flexible hours. Last week I only applied for like 3 jobs and I was hoping I got a call for this one because it was so close to home. It’s actually in the same building that I used to take classes in. So, fingers crossed!
I just got back from taking a little coffee run. I am not supposed to be drinking a lot of caffeine ever since I was diagnosed with my stomach condition but let’s just be honest here, when have I ever listened to doctors? I definitely don’t drink an entire pot of coffee like I used to. What I normally do in the morning is heat up the rest of the coffee that’s left over from my dad in the morning. But today I really wanted a little extra, so I went out to Tim Horton’s. When I was in treatment, a few of the girls and I went to Washington DC. One of the first stops we made was next to a Tim Horton’s. We ran over there as fast as we could. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT SHIT TASTED? It was like heaven. I will never, ever take Timmy Ho’s for granted again. I’ve only had it twice since I’ve been out.
(Speaking of DC, there’s the t-shirt from some dude who was selling them right off the subway. Quite the deal, only $8. Don’t mine the nerd glasses. hehe. Just wanted to show I got the biggest coffee they sold.)
You’d think I’d be going crazy on all the foods I’ve missed. However, my body just can’t handle food anymore. NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. After I was diagnosed with my stomach condition, I was told I could go on a bland diet, or a liquid diet. Since I don’t cook, I chose to go on a liquid diet. Then when I went into treatment, I went off of it since the food is pretty bland. The medicine I am on is a huge appetite suppressant, therefor I really can’t gain much weight. In fact, if I eat something that has a high fat content, or eat too much, I’ll get sick. This is why in the past year I’ve lost so much weight. Here’s just a reference for you.
Before:
After:
Being that overweight was one of the hardest and most depressing things that has ever happened to me. It started when I got sober the first time. I went to rehab and got fat. (which is natural, because your body is so weak from all the drugs) But then they kept me on this medicine that does nothing but make you eat, and constantly. I didn’t realize it at the time. My doctor kept upping my dose, and I was so dependent on it. I didn’t realize what was happening. When I first started working, I was working in a doctors office so I got to wear scrubs, so I didn’t have to wear anything form fitting, then I worked in a call center where I could wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I had no idea how big I had gotten. I didn’t have a social life, I never went any where. I didn’t want to take pictures of myself. I hid from the real world. I was so embarrassed.
Every once in a while I would have the urge to lose weight, but I would always want to cheat. Find some magical pill or supplement. I knew there was no magical way to do it. I had no idea that this medicine was doing it to me. NO CLUE. I just kept taking it, and taking it. My doctor kept on upping my dose. I had no idea she was the problem. Then one day, I had a seizure. It was from the medicine. You’d think she would discontinue it, but no she didn’t. She just gave me more medicine. This would ultimately be the end of me. She prescribed me a benzo, Adivan. A month later she would mix up the dose. I would end up taking the entire bottle and end up in a psych ward for 2 1/2 weeks. I would never see that doctor again.
It was a blessing in disguise. It let me to the doctor I have now. Who treats me properly. He realized that the medicine that gave me the seizure, that made me gain over 80 pounds, made me depressed, and feel worse, was the problem. He could reverse it. There was a pill that could treat my bipolar, my seizures, and help me with my weight. I thought, finally! Someone who will LISTEN to my concerns. I’ve been with this doctor ever since.
I thought since I was abusing the Xanax he was prescribing me that lead me into treatment he was going to discharge me as a patient, however he didn’t. He understood that this type of thing could’ve happened. I wasn’t just abusing the Xanax, I was doing far much worse things. Pretty much everything you could think of this time around. Last time I went to treatment it was just for Vicodin. This time, it was for EVERYTHING. You name it, I did it. I’m not ashamed anymore. This is my blog, this is where I share my truth. Sure, I don’t parade it around on my Facebook. Because not EVERYONE needs to know. I’m sure people have their suspicions on why I disappeared for a month. Fuck ’em.
I’m excited to get back to real life once again. I just got the call I’ve been waiting for. I GOT THE JOB!
I will be starting my job next Tuesday! I’ll be training Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10-4. I’ll get a pay raise after 60 days. She said there is a lot of room for advancement. That is something I haven’t heard in a long time. Something I’m going to do differently in this job that I haven’t done in a long time is KEEP TO MYSELF. I always get buddy buddy with people. I can be friendly, but I don’t want to get caught up in other people’s business. I want to work hard, and keep to myself and hopefully that will help me keep on track to advancement.
WELL that’s all from me today! I am very excited. I got the call I was waiting on! Now I can take a shower. hehehe. Lots of love to everyone! xoxoxoxo
Sorry for the lack of updates since I’ve been out of treatment. I just wanted to show you what a HEALTHY me looks like. No fucked up eyes or anything. I feel great.
welcome to my happy place 