I did the responsible thing and didn’t call off work when I was sick. Instead, I went to work and waited to get sent home. It almost back fired in my face. My boss isn’t very compassionate. Bad ass ex marine who doesn’t really give a fuck. I woke up with a fever and could barely get through a conversation without coughing my head off. So I made a doctors appointment at 2:30 hoping he’d let me go. At first he told me he didn’t care, so I cancelled it. Then he kept saying what about your appointment, I told him I cancelled it. He told me to call back and see if they can get me in. I said even if they don’t, I’m going directly to the urgent care. Well, of course they filled my slot. So here I am at the urgent care just waiting to be seen. There’s one other lady in the waiting room and I don’t know if she’s waiting to be seen, or waiting on someone. Better than an entire room of people I guess which is what I was expecting.
Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed, in and out of sleep, tossing and turning, coughing, sweating, being miserable. I could not get any releif. To top it all off, all my dog wanted to do yesterday is bark ALL DAY LONG. I would tell her no, stop it. She would jump on my bed and stop for about 5 minutes before starting back up again.
I should’ve gone to the doctor on Friday. However, I helped my friend move into her new house. That’s been on the schedule for a couple of weeks now. Couldn’t back out of that no matter how sick I felt. I actually lifted stuff. Didn’t think I’d actually be able to help, however I ended up being quite useful! The new house is amazing! I’m glad she got it. I haven’t been able to see it since move in day. I want to see it this weekend. I already told her I’m excited to decorate for Christmas time. It’s so big and lots of room to put stuff. She said she got most of the stuff unpacked which is quite impressive considering how much stuff she has.
I also found some bad news yesterday. A girl I met in rehab a year ago just died on Sunday due to a heroin overdose. This caught me by complete surprise. I had no idea she was using again. She seemed like she was on the right track. She was posting updates about how she was moving into a new big house and renovating it and stuff, looking for roommates and stuff.
This comes as a shock because just Saturday I was just talking to a new friend about getting back into going to meetings. An old coworker of mines girlfriend is in recovery and takes it very seriously. I told her about my story, and how I used to do meetings. But lately haven’t been up to them. A lot of it has to do with is the ones I go to around here, all they do is talk about how much they miss using, or all the fun and crazy shit they did while using and it makes me miss it too. Another thing is I don’t have anyone to go with, a solid person to go with and I think that helps a lot. Someone to help me be accountable. But I think she could be a good asset. I wouldn’t mind going to meetings with her. Sure, she lives a good 25 min from me, but I used to drive longer distances to get high. I can drive that length to stay sober.
I think it’s especially important now after the loss of a friend. She was such a sweet girl. I remember her being so shy her first day at rehab, not knowing anyone, and I called her over because I liked her hello kitty pants. And just like that, we clicked. She called me kitty. She was so sweet. And so pretty, she looked like a doll. I can’t believe she is gone. Just like that addiction takes another one. I know people are so secretive about their usage. That’s what makes me so scared about anyone really. We never know who is doing what, or how much.
My best friend leads such a secret life. She even told me she does and she’s tired of it. She literally came to my house right before she tried to kill herself so she could say goodbye. She wasn’t successful thank god. But I mean you never really know what’s going through someone’s head. They can tell you, but their answer might be bullshit for whatever is really going on and what they’re trying to hide. How will we ever know? How could we ever help? Maybe that’s why I’m such an open book now. For such a long time I hid everything from everyone. Then I was faced with an intervention. I had to get real honest real fast. Then I was afraid to be alone, drive a car, be around certain people, work my old job. Suddenly my secret life became apparent and I didn’t want anything to do with it. So I created a new life. Much like I did this time after treatment. It took me much longer, (almost a year) but I’m doing it. Bottom line is that SECRETS KEEP YOU SICK. It’s something I learned a long time ago and it’s very fitting here.
I don’t surround myself with any of my old people, my old job, my old connects, my old hang outs, anything. I have a new job where people don’t know the old me. I confided in my coworker who lost her sister due to addiction who tells me constantly how proud she is of me for pulling myself up from that life into something much better. It’s something that her sister wasn’t able to do. For a long time I wasn’t able to do it either.
All I can really say I I never want to go down that route ever again. I never want to struggle with addiction. I’m struggling with a virus right now and it’s the worst. It’s miserable. I don’t even know how I did withdraws before.
I think I’ll finish here. I feel like I’ve been typing forever and they haven’t called my name. I went from 87% on my iPhone to 67% and now there’s 2 more people in here who are waiting. (They BETTER be called after me. I was here FIRST!!!!)
I hope tomorrow I feel much better and it’s a much better day all around.
welcome to my happy place 