It’s almost September!!

Where has the summer gone? I’m glad I got a job in mid June so that I didn’t have to sit around all summer. However it would’ve been nice to be unemployed and laying out in the pool all day. 

I was going back reading some of my old posts from last summer. It’s like I remember everything. Although I was constantly on drugs, my life was a mess, my love life was a mess. I’m glad I have simplicity in my life right now. I have work, friends, family. That’s all I need right now. Oh and of course my dog! 

Yes! I still have my dog. She adjusted very well last fall to her new home. She loves having a back yard to play in! It was very hard to leave her for a month when I went a away last year. Everyone in rehab had pics of their kids and I had some of “my baby” AKA my giant dog. I’ve found so much comfort in her. It’s impossible to have a bad day when you have someone that looks at you and loves on you. I had a bad day yesterday and when I came home to see her sweet face, I left all the bullshit at the door. 

Such a lady. 

Some other good news! My sisters wedding is just a little over a month away. She’s getting married October 8. They’re flying in from Arizona and getting married in Michigan. There will be a lot of out of towners coming in. I am of course the maid of honor. My sister wrote me in rehab and said she was very close to kicking me out of her wedding because I was on drugs. When they came in town, I was busy babysitting evil that I didn’t even spend any time with her. So she was really disappointed in me. 

I’m glad she didn’t have to do that because I’m really looking forward to being her maid of honor. I’ve never been in a wedding before, let alone someone’s maid of honor. They did a bachelorette party in Vegas in which I did not attend. I know my sis just wanted to have a good time and not worry if I was comfortable or not. So I decided to opt out. But boy do I miss Vegas. Plus I wouldn’t want to go with my sis anyway. The only way I’d go back is with some of my good girlfriends. 

Everything at my job is going well. It’s been a slow sales month, so I’m nowhere near the number of cars I sold last month. People just aren’t buying. I have a lot of follow ups in the next couple of months. As I mentioned I had a bad day yesterday. I didn’t have any leads (no one new to call) and I was getting upset with my boss for calling me out on it. He kept saying you really called all those people? Like do you think in lying? Then my boss added me on Facebook. Still trying to decide if this was a good or bad idea. 

He’s pretty cool, a couple years younger than I am. He tries to act like a bad ass at work and give me a hard time. However he does tell me what a great job I do pretty frequently and I like hearing it. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt passionate about work. My last couple of jobs were POINTLESS. So I started making up excuses and missing work frequently. With this job I don’t do that. I leave early sometimes (with permission) when my family has been in town and stuff. 

Now as far as my addiction goes, I would be lying if I said I was 100% clean. I still smoke pot, which I didn’t at first. But it’s not harming me. It’s helping me. Whenever I get stressed or anxious, I smoke. That’s way better than snorting a bunch of pills. I still take pills every once in a while. Lately I haven’t been able to tolerate them and they make me sick. So I’ve chilled out on them. But I figure if I do shit every once in a while, know my limits, and tell my friends what I’m doing so they can keep tabs on me, then I see nothing wrong. I’ve changed A LOT. I know once an addict, always an addict. But I believe a lot of my addict behavior comes out when I don’t take my bipolar Meds and I start doing reckless thing and behaviors. 

I’m really stable on my Meds now. I make sure to take them everyday. I was put back on adderall a few months ago. It really makes a difference. Sometimes I just can’t get out of bed in the morning, or be motivated to do any work. It helps me stay on task at work for the most part. I mean my first full month I had a huge sales month so it’s safe to say I’m very productive. This versus the old me who wouldn’t even get out of bed for a job interview. I got calls all the time but I never went. It’s like I knew they wouldn’t be the right job for me. If I don’t like something in doing I’m definitely not going to take it, or even try. 

I feel like I’m in the right position for me. I’m such a sales whiz. My brother in law always says I could sell a coloring book to Stevie wonder. 

Also I’d like to give some kudos to my bestie. She is making a great move next weekend into her own house. I am very proud of her and all her accomplishments. I know it’ll be tight with money, but I’m always down to hang out at someone’s house versus going out. She has come very far since I’ve known her. Lived in a couple different places, but I know this is something she has been searching for fo a long time and I’m very proud of her. Also, I’d like to add I’m not posting this because she reads it. I’m posting this because my blog reflects what I’m thinking and feeling. I haven’t gotten much of a chance to tell her how I feel in this sense. IM VERY PROUD OF YOU MOMMA!!! GET YOUR HAPPINESS ON! I’m going to help her move next weekend, and although I’m a weakling that can’t lift much, I’ll help as much as I can. I think that’s really all that matters is that I’m there for support and help. Moving is stressful. I should know because I’ve done it a couple of times in the last few years. The last thing I want is for it to be super overwhelming. I’ll be there to destress her. 

My other bestie is going through a rough time right now. She recently sold her house and all her belongings in an effort to start over. She was staying with her parents who made things very hard for her. However she’s back there now. I worry about her because her parents will fly off the handle at any second and start picking on her for the smallest shit. 

I’m glad I somewhat have my shit together so I can be a good supportive friend. My friends have been with me through some of my hardest times. All i can do is be there for them right now and show them my worth as a friend. It feels good to not have my head all foggy with drugs. Also, not to miss out on things just because I was high. I couldn’t even tell you the reason I missed my best friends birthday last year. No clue. I’m sure she does, but I was absent for something really important. I’m trying to be accountable for things now. Show up when I’m supposed to, do what I’m supposed to, and in general just bring reliable. I haven’t been reliable in a long ass time. 

Also, I have a court date for tomorrow morning. I made an improper turn and got a ticket. So I’m taking it to court to see if I can get the points reduced. I’m super fucking nervous. I had to do this in the fall and they ended up calling me in a small room to offer me a plea, which I paid off the same day. I know what I did was wrong, and I’m not saying I didn’t do it. All I’m asking for is to have the points reduced. I’ll even pay more money! The money is not the issue. I mean it is, but I have a job so I’ll be able to pay it. But my insurance is already super high because of an accident I had 2 years ago. That’s not coming off my record until next year. I knew as soon as I made the turn I was going to get in trouble. Of course I did. I need some positive vibes!

Well I have about a half hour till I have to get ready for work. Think I’ll just watch some tv until I have to actually do it. Thank you all for reading! Thanks for sticking around during my hiatus. I hope to be posting a lot more. Happy hump day!! Hope everyone is having a good week! Till we meet again! Xoxo

I’m back and doing great

I don’t even remember the last time I updated but it’s been months. I thought since I’m doing better I should update. A few months ago I finally found a job that I like. I had a couple of jobs here and there over the span of time I left Google but nothing that challenges me the way Google did. I went from being at the top of my game, to back to rehab. 

I have to say rehab did me a lot of good. I’m on better medications, I have a good job that I’m really good at. I have a small group of friends and that’s really all I need. I’m still living at my dads house and I want to get out so bad, however I don’t trust myself right now. 

I got rid of all the negative influences in my life. I finally let evil go. (He’s referenced a lot in this blog as evil) I finally decided he was bringing me down and that I had to cut ties. Even if it means he hates my guts and never wants to speak to me again, I’m okay with that. I can’t save everyone. I need to focus on myself. He just took up way too much of my time and energy. 

I did start dating someone else I met, however he turned out to be an asshole. Same pill popping, alcoholic type I usually go for. He actually told me how fat and disgusting I was. Then he started to get angry and threaten me. He even called my new job. I cut ties with him a long time ago. I’ve learned I don’t have the best choice in men so I’m going to continue to be single. I’ve been putting myself out there again though. Went back on this dating site. I think I’m ready to start over again. I guess we’ll see how that goes. 

My job is fantastic! I work in the business development center for a car dealership. I schedule appointments for the sales team, customer service, call customers about promotions the dealership has each month. I get commission whenever I schedule an appointment or sell a car. Last month was my first full month and I sold 17 cars. This month has been incredibly slow for car sales and I’m one at like 7 right now. I know it’s not me, people just aren’t buying. Next couple of months seem promising with follow ups and what not. 

Basically what I’m trying to say is….

It’s taken me a long time to get stable and establish myself somewhere so I’m finally conforming to society again. 

Speaking of work, I have to put my phone down and start getting ready for work. But I hope all my followers are still here and continue to follow my journey! 

Happy Birthday Maizy!

It was Maizy’s 5th birthday yesterday! We celebrated early in the morning with treats and her first present.

I had to go to work for a little bit, until that shit got called of. Then we took Maizy in for some doggie spa treatments.

The paint job is a little wack on her toes. but I don’t even know they got as good as they did. Maizy also got a new collar and matching leash and some treats. The rest of the stuff I got was for Christmas!

Then I came home and ordered my sister’s fiance his present. He really wanted Cards Against Humanities so I got it for him. FUCKING LOVE THAT GAME. Then I also got my BFF a sweet as present. They didn’t have the thing I wanted, but I came up with a substitute that I hope is just as awesome.

I haven’t heard from evil since Wednesday night. I have no way to contact him, only just through his family. I mean, they’re busy living their lives too. So sometimes I feel like I’m just getting in the way of things. He really needs a new nickname. Okay, so from here on out, evil will now be known asssssssss…………this is going to take some time.

I wanted to bring up and an interesting factor. When I was about 2 years sober before that’s when I felt “ready” to smoke week. I know this doesn’t sound right no matter how you say it. But I do know a lot of successful people in recovery that smoke. Here’s why I’m asking. I take all non-narcotic medications. So everything that I take for anxiety is non-habit forming non-addictive. But there are sometimes that I’m just overwhelmed with stressed. Bad feelings, about people, places, things. I can’t shake it. I had a conversation with evil in which we both agreed taking Xanax is like a bandaid for you anxiety. It will fix it temporarily, but it’ll still come back. However for me, my problems never came back.

Well, technically they did, but I was so addicted to the drug, I chose to live in my own safe place where nothing could bother me. If I felt stress, or the pressures of REAL LIFE, poof, take another and the problems are solved. Then once you run out, or you don’t have any more, and you are on the hunt for more, you realize all the things you ignored. Making you somewhat want to fix it, but the chase for that drug outweighs everything, so you keep chasing.

What I’m trying to get at here is that I know that eventually I’ll start smoking weed again. It’s not like I can’t. TO ME IT IS NOT A DRUG. I’d like to do it the legal way. (But I don’t have the money for that right now) However, I don’t see what the big deal is avoiding major stressors before or after they come by smoking a little bit of pot every once and a while? I don’t think I’ll become a huge stoner, and start buying all kinds of pipes, buy in large quantities, anything like that.

Just thinking, not acting.

So anyway, I have to so see this tax bitch who has to fix the mistake they made on my fucking taxes because the IRS says I owe $245. SUCK MY (fill in body part here) I’ve been up since 5… now it’s almost 8. Yeeeeeeeah at some point I’m going to crash and burn.

Feeling Feelings

I have been feeling feelings for evil today. I heard the song “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey and it just made me think of him. It’s weird because I heard the song this morning before I went to work, then when I came home from work the letter I wrote him in treatment came back today (almost a month later) return to sender. I guess I had the address wrong. I was going off memory and I always GPS’ed the address, so I wasn’t sure if it was even correct. Here’s the song, and the lyrics.

“Blue jeans, white shirt
Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn
It was like, James Dean, for sure
You’re so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer
You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop
But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know
That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time

Big dreams, gangster
Said you had to leave to start your life over
I was like, “No please, stay here,
We don’t need no money we can make it all work, ”
But he headed out on Sunday, said he’d come on Monday
I stayed up waitin’, anticipatin’, and pacin’
But he was chasing paper
“Caught up in the game” ‒ that was the last I heard

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time

You went out every night
And baby that’s alright
I told you that no matter what you did I’d be by your side
Cause Imma ride or die
Whether you fail or fly
Well shit at least you tried.
But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more, but that’s not what I had in mind
I just want it like before
We were dancing all night
Then they took you away, stole you out of my life
You just need to remember….

I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time”

It just really hits me. He really hits me. I don’t like to think about him, about us. Because whenever I do I get really sad, confused, I don’t know what to do, what to think. There is nothing to think about right now because we are in two completely different places. I went through treatment and I’m out living my life. He’s in treatment, not by choice but court ordered for 6 months. So where does that leave us? There was so much left unsaid. It hurts. I hate feeling these feelings. That’s what sobriety is about. Feeling all the feelings that you covered up in your active addiction. They come out, and boy are they fucking STRONG.

I know there’s nothing I can do about it, which I guess that’s a good thing. I know that if I could act on these feelings, it might not necessarily be a good thing. I guess that’s why it’s good to have distractions for now. I broke up with good for a reason. It wasn’t fair to string him along, especially since he is such a sweet guy, and he deserves better, which isn’t me. I’m not quite sure what I want right now, but I know he isn’t it. I know that I had a lot of intense feelings for him while I was in treatment, but as soon as I left and saw him again, the feelings just weren’t there. Plus I’ve already cheated on him. The day after we broke up I hooked up with someone else. I obviously have no soul. My heart is clearly elsewhere. Until I get that back, maybe I am just better with distractions.

But I guess if I truly loved evil too I wouldn’t be seeking distractions either? I can’t be sure things will ever work between us. I can’t just cut myself off completely from dating and sex when I don’t even know if we’ll ever work, if he’ll ever change. He hasn’t yet. I don’t know if he’s capable, if he wants to. He hasn’t yet. He’s not even in treatment because he wants to be, he’s there because he has to be. I went because I wanted to get better. That’s the difference between us. Could it ever work? Could I ever trust him because of that? The trust has never been there completely before. That’s the thing about sober relationships, is that you can’t do someone elses recovery for them. But I’m the kind of person who will always want to. I was once told when you start trying to do someone elses recovery for them is when you start losing focus on your own, and that’s when you are most likely to fuck up. So essentially I’m asking for a disaster either way. I know I should avoid him at all costs, everyone tells me so, all the signs tell me to, but my heart says something else.

I’m obviously not going to do anything about this. I just got really emotional when I heard that song. My heart skipped a beat, then almost stopped for a minute. I literally stopped getting ready this morning and listened to it twice. I was stopped dead in my tracks, I couldn’t move. I just became so overwhelmed. It’s like, you don’t think about something for so long because you shove it so deep inside that eventually it just explodes.

I just need to keep my schedule filled with hotties. Line them up, so that by the time that evil gets out of rehab I’m all like what, who are you? Look how good I look, and I’m so busy with all my male friends, and I’m not a slut I’m just “sexually popular.” (It’s a thing now. I just made it up but it’s a thing, it’s not slutty, it’s trendy.)

Tomorrow should be a good day. I’m going to attempt to sleep in tomorrow. Then I’m going to go shopping with my mom. I want to hit up my favorite store in Ann Arbor to get me some new leggings! I used to hate leggings, and said they aren’t pants. However, I now see that if you have the appropriate body to wear them, they can be worn as pants. I guess I opposed to them because I couldn’t wear them. When I got my first pair I asked like 29350802358 people if I looked okay wearing them because I was still in the process of losing weight and wasn’t sure if I could pull the look off. However all 89275928359028 people reassured me that I could. (I convinced myself that the gold metallic leggings I was about to purchase at the time would never come in handy however, nor did not look right no matter how fucked up I got, so I decided against it at the last minute) Then I want to try and hit up Kohl’s to score a few pair of jeans.Then my boo boo wants to have a Cards Against Humanity night at her house. I’m alwaysssss down to play that game, always a good time with that crowd. Should be a good time.

So now I’m going to try and stop feeling feelings. My ex is messaging me on facebook telling me he misses me, loves me, all that. I have a couple other guys texting me dirty messages. (Not that I mind, but I’m not in the mood to entertain this tonight) Can someone just put a pause on feelings for tonight?

Addiction sucks.

Two posts in one day was necessary because I really need to vent about what happened between my friend and I today. You can chose to ignore this, or read how much addiction sucks and ruins lives because people chose to ignore it.

I talked a little bit about how my friend came to me a week ago and said that she wanted to get help and go to treatment. I kind of figured she was bluffing, because that was last Monday, and later on in the week when she still hadn’t made a move I asked her what the deal was. She said she was still researching it, at this point I knew she wasn’t serious. I know she really needs some help because she’s literally lost everything. Her looks, kids, home, car, and her job.

Well anyway, today I decided to message her about the $700 DTE bill that is outstanding. A few days after I moved into her house, the DTE that was in her name got shut off. She was so far behind that she had to pay it in full in order to have her services restored, which of course she didn’t have. Now, I JUST moved in. She begged me to put it in my name with the understanding that she would be taking over the payments. Of course since we have been friends for so long I never got anything in writing. (BIG MISTAKE) According to her mom she had court this morning so she didn’t answer any of my messages right away. When she finally did, she exploded.

First she called me a delusional bitch, and then she showed me some drug test results that were negative. This is the same person who called and texted me like crazy exactly one week ago about needing help and wanting to go to a treatment center. The same person who admitted was still smoking pot and popping pills. I don’t need to stare at a negative drug panel. For all I know you used your kids urine to pass your drug test. I would never put that past an addict. All of these things she told me last week, that I tried to tell her today, she denied ever saying. I’m the sober one. Not the delusional one.

It doesn’t hurt me that she says all these hurtful things to me. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Her words can’t hurt me anymore because I know what my truth is. I came clean about what I’ve done wrong. I went to treatment, I got help, I came clean to my friends and family. I told them I fucked up, and I reached out for help. So calling me a crack head, or saying she wonders how long I’ll last this time, it doesn’t effect me. I know I got this.

The thing that does hurt however is that she can’t see what she’s doing to herself. She can’t see that she has a problem. She’s lying to herself and to everyone around her. She doesn’t have the support of her family anymore. They’ve given up on her because she treats them like shit. After she blocked me on her phone, and on Facebook, I made one last attempt by writing her an email. Of course she was a mega bitch and said she would file a PPO on me. Then I responded and said that I would be receive a PPO this week. For what? There are no grounds. I’ve been talking to her mother via text this entire time and she said she threatens everyone with a PPO. Just to see what she would say back I told her maybe I should let CPS know somethings. She wrote me back and said that her CPS case was closed, but I confirmed with her mother that it’s not.

I’ve been friends with her for 25 years. I’ve been talking to her mom pretty much all day and we have been going back and forth about all the lies she tells. I guess it makes me glad that I got the help that I need and I’m not running around telling these ridiculous lies, falling deeper and deeper. There’s just so much she’s lying about, it’s hard to tell what her truth is anymore. At this point, I truly do feel sorry for her. She doesn’t even know up from down. She’s wasting away into nothing. It’s sad to see. To think that you have known this person your entire life, and now you don’t even know who that person is anymore. That everything they say, or put out there is a lie. They are master manipulators. She had me fooled.

I thought we were helping each other out when I moved in. It made me sicker, and it made her sicker. She didn’t use any of the money I paid her in rent for bills. She claims she’s losing her house, she never paid for the DTE, she doesn’t pay for her own cell phone, she never bought food, anything. So there’s only one thing left, that’s drugs. I know I always shared my stash with her, but she was always selfish and sneeky with hers.

The more and more I converse with her mother, the sadder I get. I want to have hope for her, but I think she’s a lost cause. Especially when she said she wanted treatment, but then today she swears up and down she’s living a sober life. Yet, according to her ex who saw her in court today, she looked like she was messed up. It’s a shame. In a way, I’m kind of glad she doesn’t have her kids. They’re old enough to know somethings not right. Her oldest is fragile and emotional. She shouldn’t be subjected to that.

I know what I’ve been through in my addiction, I know all the people I’ve hurt. I know all the lies I’ve told. I know I thought I was getting away with it. I thought people believed my lies, and I thought I was so good at lying. But I wasn’t. I was horrible. No one believed me. I didn’t think I ever looked fucked up when in reality I always did, and everyone could always tell.

I’m about to go to a mass at my church for all the people in the parish we’ve lost, specifically for me my grandma & grandpa. While I’m there I’m going to say a prayer. Maybe it’ll help.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone! I survived my first night out being sober in a “wet” environment. It’s not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Not for me at least, but the temptation isn’t there. I’m not a big drinker. Some of the people I was with were on some stuff, but again, not tempted. I guess it’s because I know and realize how bad my addiction is and I really have no desire to add fuel to its fire. I guess my willpower is strong enough to just be comfortable in my surroundings. The people around me can do whatever they want, get as fucked up as they want, and I can just do me. I’m obviously still going to have just as much fun as everyone else, and I sure as hell did, let me tell you 😉

My day started off pretty casual. I hung out at my friends house for a little bit. I got there maybe around 3ish. Not sure. She left work early because she wasn’t feeling well, but felt okay by the time I got there. I made sure she was in good spirits and still wanted to go out before I got there. She made sure she wanted to go out no matter what. We dicked around for a little bit. We went to Walmart and got our kitty accessories for our costumes, then some food. We smashed then dropped her son off, then met her brother and his friend up at a restaurant near her house. (and my old house)

A little back story, her brother and I have always had this weird, flirtatious thing going on. We don’t necessarily like each other. Only in certain social situations. However the last time we were together I turned him town (this was right before I went to rehab, and I was certainly not in any condition to go home with anyone, so I give myself major props for turning him down, even though I didn’t necessarily want to.) So the last couple of weeks I have been trying to get him to hang out with me, however he’s been a total douche bag. For some reason, his rejection has been hurting my feelings, despite the fact that I know he’s a complete asshole. It still hurts when someone turns you down. ANYWAY, we met up with him and within the first half hour we were already hardcore flirting with each other. (Is this bad considering I broke up with my boyfriend only the day before, and the last time we hooked up I had just broken up with my boyfriend the day before as well? Oh well.) Sometimes it just makes you feel good when you look good, you feel good, you know you’re doing good, and someone’s picking up what you’re putting down, even if they’re an asshole. I guess that makes it even better.

After the group had a few drinks, we went back to my friends house so we could get ready. We then went to a corn maze because we had free tickets. I DID NOT WANT TO GO. Okay, something about being stuck in a giant maze in the dark doesn’t sound fun at ALL. So naturally we got lost. There were SO MANY CIRCLES. I got ready to go out in my dress and everything before the corn maze so I had leggings and my friends boots on. Thank god I did because it was a muddy ass disaster. My friend and I ended up getting separated from the boys. We got super lost and decided to just go back the way we came. (Which ended up being hard as fuck.) We couldn’t take very long anyway because in order to not pay cover at the bar we had to get there before 9. Mission accomplished.

We thought that the bar would be hopping considering it was almost Halloween. It wasn’t. I encouraged my friend to get drunk anyway because of the great drink specials. It seemed to work. No decent guys there either. Total bummer. Maybe next time? I’d post pictures of my friend and I together, but I only post pictures of myself to protect the identities of all my friends.

Here’s a picture of the dress I wore: (It was totally snug the last time I tried it on. It’s so loose now. It’s a Betsey Johnson)

After we let the bar, we decided to go back to my friends house and play a little beer pong were the heavy flirting continued. What can I say? I dressed up as a sex kitten! (not to be confused with a sexy kitten, hehe) It just comes with the territory. Somewhere around 1:00 it was time to leave, however I wasn’t quite ready to go, if you know what I mean…. 😉

I got home somewhere around 2:30 where my dad bitched me out about how my dog kept waking him up and shit. Uhhhh, why don’t you just put her in my room where she sleeps every night? The same place she goes where she doesn’t wake you up? DUHHHH. He’s being a total douche. I’m almost 30 years old and I really don’t have to explain who the fuck I was with. If you really want to know, I can tell you in exact detail WHO I was doing, yes WHO I was doing, not WHAT I was doing, but since I’m your little girl, I’m pretty fucking sure you don’t want to hear that. I know it’s because I’m “fragile’ just coming out of rehab, but dude, I’ve done this before, I know what my limits are. I know what to do and not to do. I got this.

So that’s the tale of last night. I don’t have any plans for today, actual Halloween. I’m pretty tired. I didn’t get to bed until pretty late then my dog woke me up pretty early. I didn’t have any time to buy her a costume, because she’s so big I’d have to order it online. So instead I found my old ladybug costume from circa 2006 and put it on her. She didn’t seem to mind at all.

I’m just going to be rocking out in this tee all day that I bought for Halloween last year (which I am swimming in because it’s so big on me, but it’s all I have!) with my orange and black eyeshadow on. Peace out dudes!

Devil’s Night

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. (My boyfriend named good if you have been following along.) I’ve been out of treatment for 2 weeks and 1 day. When I was in treatment I had so many intense feelings for him. I would write him letters everyday about how much I loved and missed him. However once I got out, I didn’t feel the same. It’s like a switch flipped inside of me. I don’t know how to explain it, and it totally crushed him. But I had to explain to him that I’m going in one direction, and he’s just standing still. He’s still not working, he doesn’t have a car, or a license. How can I move forward when he isn’t? It’s not fair to me. I want someone who is motivated, and right now it seems like I’m his only motivation. That’s so much pressure. I’ve actually been meaning to break up with him since I got out, but I knew this would absolutely crush him, so I’ve been putting it off.

I told him we can be friends, because I feel like that’s what we’ve been lately. He said that’s all he hears, that he’ll be friends with his ex and it never works out. He knows that I’ll move on and find someone else. Maybe I will? I don’t know. He was very good to me. But lately, since he ran out of money, and he doesn’t have a job, everything has been on me. I’m selfish, I want someone to take care of me. I know this about myself. He did that before, and he knows that about me. He knows he needs to step up. I told him that if he can get his shit together, maybe things will change. I’m giving him a silver lining but do I think we’ll get back together? Probably not. I think the chapter is closed. I don’t think I’ll have those feelings for him again. Which brings me to my next point….

I’m ready to move on. I still have hope that evil & I will get back together. He’s currently in a treatment center for 6 months. I know our relationship won’t work if he doesn’t stay sober. I don’t know if he’s capable of doing it. I want him to be. I hold on to it. But again, I should just move on. 6 months is a long time. I can’t just sit around and wait for him for 6 months. So I’m not. Just because I’m sober, doesn’t mean I can’t have fun, have a social life. Go out and meet new people. Which is EXACTLY what I’ll be doing tonight.

I remember 5 years ago the first time I got sober the first time I went out was at a Halloween party with a good group of people. I wasn’t uncomfortable, I felt totally fine in my environment. People were drinking, having a good time. I had an out if I wanted to leave. I was with a good friend who understood my situation and wouldn’t put me in harms way. She knew that it was a huge leap for me to even come to the party, and knew that I probably wouldn’t stay long, and it was my first venture after my stint in rehab. Well, tonight I’m going to experience that all over again. I’m going to “test the waters” I guess. I’ll be fine. Drinking doesn’t really do it for me, I think drunk people are hilarious.

I mostly want to go out because I love being slutty on Halloween. Plus I have a lot to celebrate. (with water!) I just got a new job, I’m newly single, newly sober, I’m fresh out on the prowl. I want to help my friend troll for some new dudes, and she’s going to help me do the same. The best part is, I WON’T HAVE BEER GOGGLES. See example below.

I can also help my friend from this mistake.

The only problem is I have to wear a Halloween costume. I think I might just wear some slutty ass outfit and my Hello Kitty ears and call it a night. I told my friend to get some cat ears, draw on some whiskers and go as a sex kitten. (See what a good influence I am?)  Meowwww =^^=

My other friend came to me on Monday and said that she wanted to go to treatment. She had a court date on Wednesday, and after that she was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend because of his involvement with drugs and all the drama he brings. Well, it’s now Friday and she has yet to make any changes. I honestly don’t believe she’s going to do it. I know she NEEDS to do it, I PRAY she’ll do it. I told her this isn’t the type of thing you dwell on, or research. It’s the type of thing you just go and do. You pack your bags full of random shit. You don’t even know what you packed because you are just so worried about getting there, and then you fucking go. There’s no thinking, no researching, you just go, just do. I ended up re-friending her on Facebook just so I could kind of creep in on her life. I have no interest in being friends with her, taking her calls unless it’s about getting help. She’s very skinny, disgusting looking, crack addict looking. She initially told me that she just needs to go for depression. I told her that’s a load of bullshit. She needs to get honest with herself. She said she’s really good at manipulating doctors. I said well if you want to get better, you have to be honest. You have to tell all your doctors your an addict. You have to realize your body doesn’t know the difference between taking drugs for pain and for pleasure. I pray for her and her children’s sake she gets well. But until she checks herself in, I will not be taking her calls, entertaining her questions about treatment. Her main concern was detoxing. Really? Get over it.

Anyway, I’m going to load myself slap happy full of coffee this morning so I can finally get the motivation to sort through this mountain of shit in the basement that I call my belongings. I have THREE closets worth of clothes. Now that I have a job, I have to organize my shoes which are currently in a box. I can’t believe I treated them so badly. I hope they forgive me. I think I might need another treatment center….

Healthy selfies

Sorry for the lack of updates since I’ve been out of treatment. I just wanted to show you what a HEALTHY me looks like. No fucked up eyes or anything. I feel great.

Back from treatment

I just wanted to let you guys know I just got out of treatment today! I have 34 days clean! I am about to pick up my dog! I couldn’t be better! I managed to take a trip to Washington DC while in treatment. I will update you more later! I’m just so excited to be back to life!

<Font face=5>My sobriety date is September 11, 2015</font>