Let me elaborate on my Amy Whinehouse post last night. I was drunk, couldn’t talk to him and I feel like I’m the bad person in good and mine’s relationship. He’s innocent and young, and I’m wild and fucked up. He’s so good to me and I feel like I am going to ruin it. These are the thoughts I think. He always tells me to stop thinking so much. But I’m 8 1/2 years older than him. I’m just no good. He feels things for me that he hasn’t been able to experience, but at the same time, he makes me feel so good about myself. But I feel like I’ll ruin him will all my emotional baggage.
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I am freaking out in my head literally over nothing. I over analyze. The fact that I have ADHD and I’m bipolar is really fucked up.
I have a lot of errands to run today so I’m trying to be one of these, much like everyday. So this isn’t relaly any different.
I just have to drive all the way out to where I used to live just to get a prescription filled. Because if I do it around here they have to call the doctor and verify it and considering it’s Sunday, well they won’t be able to do anything. So this is the best solution. I am hoping this guy will drive it back out to me later since he wants it. I’m hustling right now because I don’t need it and it’s something that helps his grieving mother, so I feel like everyone wins. HUSTLE. Don’t judge, You’re not judge Judy.
I’m having the girls in my room right now they’re watching a movie because they love being in the basement with all my Hello Kitty stuff. Then I’m going to run all my crazy errands of the day.
I love this song. I figured a music video for the song “Sunday Morning” would be a good way to kick off my Sunday morning blog. I’m surprised I got out of bed before 1:00 PM today considering how tired I was yesterday. I couldn’t even hang with my homies, I had to go home and pass out because of how tired I was! I’m pretty sure getting 3 hours of sleep on top of smoking a shit load of weed all day didn’t help my cause much. Whatever.
Yesterday the guys came and worked on my house a little more. They’re done ripping walls and shit out so I finally vacuumed in the house. These construction guys have made such a mess. There’s drywall, insulation, nails and screws EVERYWHERE. Not to mention all of the stuff they ripped out of my house, they didn’t even dispose of it. They left everything in my yard. The same yard my dog goes out and plays in. There are nails and shit sticking of of some of those boards too. They reassured me they’re coming back today to do more work.
I really like this guy that is working on my house. My landlord hired him since the other man he hired to do maintenance and repairs is the one who never mentioned any of these problems to my actual landlord, hence why I called the housing department to get the house ininspected\\He asked me yesterday if I can put in a good word for him to my landlord. I said absolutely! So I had to call my landlord anyway, so in my voicemail I made sure to say something along the lines of, “Thank you so much for hiring Ron. He’s been so great and has done such great work on my house. I hope you keep him around because he’s awesome.) I currently no longer speak to the other man he has working for him because he’s the reason I had to get this housing inspection in the first place.
My landlord lives in California, and I live in Michigan. He obviously can’t be available to come over to one of the homes if there’s a problem which is why he has this man Chuck working for him as the manager/handyman. Since I moved in here back in November I had been making miscellaneous complaints to Chuck about things that needed to be repaired in the house. The biggest one at the time was the front door. My DTE bill went up over $400 during the winter because my front door wasn’t hung right, and had about 1 1/2 inches of space above the door that cold air would blow right through.
One time I even got my dad over here when Chuck came so Chuck couldn’t try and work one over on me. My dad kept asking him, “Would YOU put this door on your house? Look at this thing!” Chuck’s response was, “Well, I just put new laminate doors on my house.” Uhhhh, you didn’t answer the question bro. He avoided every question he was asked, as well as talk in circles about everything, so nothing was ever done.
I finally got so sick of paying my rent on time every month and being ignored for having legit issues on my home that I rent, so they’re responsible for making the repairs. My landlord in California had NO knowledge of this (or so he claims, and I sort of believe him, I’m still deciding) and he’s the one who told me to call the housing department for the city to schedule an inspection. Sure enough it failed inspection with a 26 page report.
They had 30 days to complete all the repairs on the list. Tomorrow will be day #30 and I have already scheduled the inspection for 2:00 in which I know they won’t pass. My landlord also threatened me with eviction if I tried to with hold my rent from him for this month while they were making the repairs. I looked up my rights and responded back to him that he can’t evict me for that, and he can’t threaten me with eviction either. I told the building inspector what he said to me and he told me when he comes to look at the house tomorrow he will also give me some legal advice about what we do next.
So now it’s 6:30 PM. I realized I never finished my Sunday morning blog. I managed to take a shower and look decent. The guys never showed up to do any work on my house today. (Big surprise there) My mom asked me to come over and help decorate cookies.
I got pretty creative in my decorating as you can see. I didn’t have much to work with as far as different sprinkles and shit but I got jazzy with what was available. I’m now over at my friends house drinking a hard cider and smoking a W’s (weed and wax)
I just never know where the day is going to take me….
I never review my blogs before I post them but I’m sure by reading them you can see my bipolar and ADHD come out through my words about my day and shit. Filled with a million thoughts, highs, lows, up, down, sideways, going here doing that.
Ah well these guys are about to play some video games. I may stick around for a little more 420 action but I’m pretty toasted, baked, high, fried, whatever. But I think I might go home and veg the fuck out. It sounds real nice man. Perhaps I will blog again later. We shall see. Peace out homies. Enjoy your Sunday. (Which in my world is the day of rest.)
Okay and now that I’m home I’m going to rape Netflix and watch the new episode of Nurse Jackie, and of course eat some of these delicious cookies. Mmmmmmm cookies.
Also, I wanted to post these pictures of Maizy I snapped last night. I got my Coach scarf and put it on her for a couple photo ops so she would look like a designer doggy. I think she pulled it off nicely. My little doggy fashion model.
I woke up with a clear head this morning of what I need to do in order to move on with my life. Just simple, move on. Put the past in the past, life is a gift, which is why it’s called the present. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s so true. I am tired of being hurt, then feeling sorry for myself. It’s just time to pick up and move the fuck on. I have to have faith that in the end this thing called KARMA will catch up to those that deserve it.
I’m smart, pretty, fun, with a good sense of humor, and I will always be ME. I have been feeling a lot more confident with myself, and my weight loss too, and I should embrace that. I shouldn’t feel like shit over something that happened in the past, and how totally fucked up and wrong it was on the other persons part. I need to stop trying to get into the other persons head. I’ll drive myself crazy trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. They’re just wrong. I can’t justify something wrong into something right in my head.
I’m not the same person I was even a year ago. I was still really depressed over my weight gain, I didn’t feel pretty or confident. I didn’t want to go out or be seen, I didn’t want to go shopping to do anything to make myself seem attractive because I didn’t feel like it at all. Now I feel totally different, and I should celebrate my looks, embrace my life.
That’s right! 17 more days until April 29 in which I will be turning 29 years old. My golden birthday! (Your golden birthday is supposed to be your lucky year, when you turn your age on your birthdate.) I just have a lot of change going on right now in my life and it’s hard. I need a new job, a new man, new men, money, and just to be happy and carefee again. People like me, you wouldn’t ever think it’s hard for someone like me to open up, because I am (obviously) a very open book, but I don’t like NEW. I knew that I did need a new job however because I did NOT like the way things were going at my old job, the people, the stupid everyday bullshit, the unfairness, the pure disgust I have for other employees. Yeah. I’m glad I’m out. Other than for financial reasons.
I want to scream, cry, laugh, hide, run, play, all these different emotions at once. Some parts of my life I am totally content with, and right now I don’t know how I’m getting food, or my next rent check, or any of the other numerous bills that are stacking up right now, however I am taking it one fucking day at a time.
Anything further than that is too much. Even talking about this right now is starting to make me a little panic-y. Next subject.
I haven’t done laundry in about 2 weeks so later on I’m going to mosey on over to my mom’s house and get that done. I don’t know what else we’ll get into while I’m there but it’s always a blast, even if it’s a lazy Sunday doing laundry hanging out with our dogs. I’m glad I have a good relationship with my mom. ❤ It’s good to remind myself of all the GOOD things I have going on right now. Positive mindset.
Also, tonight is the premiere of the 7th and FINAL season of Nurse Jackie! I am so excited it’s back! I went back and caught up on the entire show in anticipation for the final season. I can’t wait to see how they spin this.
Tune in tonight at 9 PM! If you don’t have Showtime they’re offering a free week this week. (At least for Comcast subscribers) Also, don’t I have the cutest dog ever???
Spending Sunday with my mom and our dogs trying to gather my thoughts and gear up for this week. I have to deal with reality tomorrow, and work. Oh work. I blew it off last week. So, it’s time to refocus. I just wanted to post this pic.
(My dog Maizy on the left, moms dog Mr. Big on the right)
So yeah, Sunday’s are usually my zen day. I’m so stressed over money right now. I have $15 to my name. I wonder how this is going to work out this week. As Tim Gunn would say….
Deep breaths. You got this.
I’m starting to feel anxiety over this week. Especially tomorrow. I’m getting my stuff back, but I don’t know what condition it’s in. I didn’t even think about that. Now comes the panic and the worry. I have no one here to try and talk me out of it. So, here goes my mind. But, no. Stop. It’ll be okay. You’ll figure this out. You’re figuring it out as you go and you’re doing okay, and you’ll continue to do okay. Just don’t fall completely apart. I’m so close to it, I feel like at any minute I’m about to shatter in a million little pieces. But I can’t and I won’t. I’m going to talk myself through and out of it.
Breathe.
PS – How can I be sad when I have this? I love my dog.
After my last post I let some anger out but I don’t know if it was in the best way. I don’t know how other to say that. I have been very destructive this weekend, I think that was only necessary given the circumstances. I told people things I didn’t want to tell in order to save my shit. I have to do certain things I don’t want to do in order to protect my shit. I’m going through something I don’t want to go through and I’m going through it in a weird mind set. I can’t exactly justify my actions. I’m having a lot of mania right now. I wish I could control it. I can’t. I wish I had the off button. I don’t. But, just to be clear, I still stand behind someone. I need clarity. There are so many what ifs, and this and thats, and I don’t knows, and these guys. I’m tired…….
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welcome to my happy place 