Do I ever make the right decision?

Answer….

Am I surprised? No. This nice man who cares about me, and truly could be something real, but I don’t know if I am ready to go down that path just got back from vacation. However, the entire time he was gone I reconnected with my ex who, over the course of the day, made me realize i made the wrong decision on who I chose. He doesn’t tell me how beautiful I smell, or how pretty I am constantly. He doesn’t love looking into my eyes, or he enjoy being around me. I have that with someone else and I’m afraid to proceed because I feel like there is something bad lurking around the corner. Truth is, I’m already around the corner and there’s something bad here. I just don’t know how I can be so stupid. I love to ruin good things. It’s just what I’m good at.

I automatically assume something work out with the age issue, but really, it’s only me who has the problem with it. But I feel that I’m too fucked up of a person to be deserving of someone who doesn’t deserve to deal with any of my bullshit. My freak outs, my insecurities, my constant need for affection and attention. But he wants to do those things for me, without asking. I almost question it because I feel does he really feel this way? How could someone feel this way about me. ME. I am just too out there. He’s so not. That’s why I feel like I belong with these people who are out there, and fucked up like me. But I know that’s not all I’m capable getting, and I sure as shit don’t want to settle for being with someone who makes me miserable.

I just want to be sun shines and unicorns and back to my happy, care free life. Not worried about when someone is going to pass out in my bed and if they might not even wake up. I’m not deserving of good. I’m on the phone with the nice man ass the other is passed out in my bed. I can’t believe I am even still writing about this, or even at all. But this is where I come to get my thoughts out, and well here are my thoughts. It’s a fucked up web that I’ve weaved. Maybe I’m the black widow inside that kills everything that tries to get in my web, whether it be good or back.

This has to me my outlook….

Unemployed life

This afternoon I totally blew off going to the secretary of state and decided to kick it with my bestie instead. She’s going through so much right now and I just wanted to be there for her in any way that I can. Today we enjoyed the nice spring day and the lovely trampoline her kiddos got for Christmas. It was so fun and carefree. We got this song stuck in our heads and listened to it a couple of times while jumping on the trampoline….

It was good to have a day like today.  A day to just forget all of our problems, worries, struggles and whatever else is going on and just enjoy the day. Plus being around kids does always cheer me up. (well, not all kids…some kids.) The way they see the world is so innocent and pure, it kind of makes you want to look at life the way they do sometimes. Am I getting to soft here? What the hell is going on?

I also finally got this today. My friend ordered them for us a while ago and she forgot to give mine to me. (If you are interested in these, or having something else made, please leave a comment and I will send you her contact information.)

I hung out with an old friend last night who was very helpful in this court battle I’m currently involved in. He gave me a lot of “inside” information on how I can make the other party responsible for damages without having to go to small claims court, but to make it part of his restitution instead. That way any money he receives becomes my money until I am whole again. That’s all I want is to be whole again. I’m leaving my feelings aside because they always complicate everything, and taking this approach will help me get over my feelings a lot faster.

I saw this quote today and realized that I don’t need to be careful around men, but with everyone. For some reason people just LOVE to fucking talk about me. I am questioning all of my friendships right now. It’s not easy for me to open up about certain things that happened in my life. It’s like a huge part of my life I don’t talk about to just anyone, but I almost feel sometimes that I’m lying to people because they don’t know that part of me. I feel like if everyone knew my past they might understand me a little better. People might also have a little bit of respect for all the things I’ve gone through and struggled with and I’m still living and breathing to tell the stories. I think whenever I do find my next job, and going forward, I’m going to be a lot more selective in who I talk to, if I choose to talk to anyone at all.

Anyway I don’t really have anything else to say right now. I’m tired and I want to catch up on my reality TV and sleep. I have to go to the secretary of state tomorrow for sure because my temporary plate expires tomorrow because of some ASSHOLE. Before I go, look how CUTE my baby looks in Hello Kitty!!!!!! 

Peace out bitches!