Real post. Kinda.

Sorry for my lack of postings once again. I’ve been busy! But I wanted to show off some birthday photos! 

  
   

  (Yes there is a 9 candle missing. It was there in spirit) 

 
My dress was open back and we got this redic temporary tat from a gum ball machine for a little extra flare! 

Which brings me to my next topic, I actually did get some new ink since my birthday! 

  
I already had the top one but got it touched up. The first one says little sister, the second means daughter and the third is grand daughter in Japanese Kanji. Pretty nifty huh?

  
Anyway I’m currently posting from the D. Representing the 313 motha fuckaZzzz. Because I don’t have a job when someone asks me to give them a ride somewhere for gas money and cash, I’m fucking doing it. 

There are a lot of crazies here though. Some guy asked me to share my headphones so we could listen to music together. I’m like no that’s okay, I’m selfish and I need both. Yeah, I’m a smart ass being a smart ass in Detroit. 

  

This afternoon/evening I’m going to a BBQ and drinking all the leftover booze from my party. Yes there was some leftover beer because of this liquor. Oh and let me just say, this stuff is amazing. No chaser even for the weakest, like me. 

  Smirnoff iced cake vodka. Mmmm!

My anxiety and bipolar have been all over the place lately. I think I’m getting stir crazy not working.

 Aiiiight hopefully I won’t be here too much longer! It’s 80 outside and I wanna go playyyyy!!!!

  

Money makes me move

Have you ever felt like you just floated through the day? Well I have, and today was one of those days. I can’t describe it other than I floated through the day. What I mean is that nothing really significant happened today, so it all just kind of seemed rather dull. So instead of feeling productive, I just felt blahhhhh….like I just floated through the day. Maybe you understand? But I titled this blog because apparently money will make me move. I’ll explain….

Last night I received a check for $200. I didn’t really NEED to cash the check today because I had nothing to buy. I ended up at Walmart this afternoon where I first tried to cash my check. I wasn’t able to because the address on the check doesn’t match the address on my driver’s license. This pissed me off. I found another place that would cash it, which also happens to be a gas station. I decided to get gas, then cigarettes, and of course something to drink.

I came back home to finish getting ready for a doctor’s appointment I had. So I went to that, it was great, then I had to jump over to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. Shouldn’t have spent any money at Walgreen’s since all my prescriptions are FREE with my new insurance. However I did have to wait 20 minutes, which prompted me to browse around the store. I ended up with some makeup, juice, dog treats, nail stuff, a birthday card, and some other shit. I get to the counter and my 20 minute wait time at Walgreen’s just cost me $54!!! What!?

So yeah, I just kind of floated through the day.

Hmmm…. what else did I do today? Oh yes! I ordered my sister’s birthday presents. Our birthdays are 2 years and 2 days apart. She text me today asking what I wanted for my birthday, then I asked her what she wanted. As a kid I always hated sharing my birthday, birthday parties and birthday cakes with my sister. But now that I’m older I miss it so much. We rarely spend our birthdays together since I live in Michigan and she lives in Arizona, so it’s not the same anymore. I also went online to show her what I wanted only to find that it’s OUT OF STOCK. All these months I’ve had this shit in my favorites bookmark specifically for my birthday, and now that it’s April IT’S OUT OF STOCK? Well, that’s what they wanted me to believe.

Inflatable Unicorn Head

The website is actually a company I did advertising for a couple of months back. So I pulled that card and sent an email. Of course they remembered me, and actually said they do have one in stock. SWEET. Sorry guys, it was out of stock, but if you’re awesome like me and say hey, I did advertising for you guys, then BOOM it magically becomes in stock! SCORE!

I just came back from my mom’s house. She kept telling me she bought me something for my birthday to match something I already have. Here’s the thing, I have so much shit that I had no idea what she could’ve possibly gotten me. She got me these Coach sandals to match the purse I already have! (pictured below)

I took my dog on her second ride today and I just picked up some Burger King. Someone won’t leave my side in case I drop a fry on the floor.

Alright well if this hasn’t completely bored you to death, I also wanted to briefly mention an organization yesterday that I’m really excited to start working with. It’s called Stamp Out Stigma, and it was designed to to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness and substance use disorders. Their main website can be found here You can also find them on Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. I would also encourage for you to show your support for Mental Illness by wearing one of these bracelets. Whether you struggle with it yourself, a loved one, family member, or just because you support this cause.

Here is their support page where you can order the bracelets, update your Facebook photo to show support. and take the pledge. I ordered some bracelets last night. You have to order a minimum of 5, which I am pretty sure I can find 5 of my friends and family members who would be willing to wear this to show their support for me, and for the cause. I will be ordering more! If you are interested in one, please let me know, I will even buy them for you. They’re all about trying to erase the stigma that comes with having these disorders. I’m kind of trying to do that with this blog.

I think I’m going to veg out for the rest of the night and rape Netflix. I finally got my sleeping medication so I predict I will be going to bed very early tonight, and I will stay asleep allllllllllllll night. Ah, that just sounds like heaven right now because I’ve only been sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. (No naps either!) I just made this:

Ohhhhhhhhhhh and in case any of you have forgotten….

Peace out my lovely readers, and THANK YOU for all of your support of this blog.Please feel free to share it with your friends. I don’t actively promote this blog on any of my social media outlets because it’s something I kind of hide from most people, unless I trust them enough to read it. (and that’s a very, very, VERY, small list.) I would definitely like to get the word out there about my blog.

Unemployed life

This afternoon I totally blew off going to the secretary of state and decided to kick it with my bestie instead. She’s going through so much right now and I just wanted to be there for her in any way that I can. Today we enjoyed the nice spring day and the lovely trampoline her kiddos got for Christmas. It was so fun and carefree. We got this song stuck in our heads and listened to it a couple of times while jumping on the trampoline….

It was good to have a day like today.  A day to just forget all of our problems, worries, struggles and whatever else is going on and just enjoy the day. Plus being around kids does always cheer me up. (well, not all kids…some kids.) The way they see the world is so innocent and pure, it kind of makes you want to look at life the way they do sometimes. Am I getting to soft here? What the hell is going on?

I also finally got this today. My friend ordered them for us a while ago and she forgot to give mine to me. (If you are interested in these, or having something else made, please leave a comment and I will send you her contact information.)

I hung out with an old friend last night who was very helpful in this court battle I’m currently involved in. He gave me a lot of “inside” information on how I can make the other party responsible for damages without having to go to small claims court, but to make it part of his restitution instead. That way any money he receives becomes my money until I am whole again. That’s all I want is to be whole again. I’m leaving my feelings aside because they always complicate everything, and taking this approach will help me get over my feelings a lot faster.

I saw this quote today and realized that I don’t need to be careful around men, but with everyone. For some reason people just LOVE to fucking talk about me. I am questioning all of my friendships right now. It’s not easy for me to open up about certain things that happened in my life. It’s like a huge part of my life I don’t talk about to just anyone, but I almost feel sometimes that I’m lying to people because they don’t know that part of me. I feel like if everyone knew my past they might understand me a little better. People might also have a little bit of respect for all the things I’ve gone through and struggled with and I’m still living and breathing to tell the stories. I think whenever I do find my next job, and going forward, I’m going to be a lot more selective in who I talk to, if I choose to talk to anyone at all.

Anyway I don’t really have anything else to say right now. I’m tired and I want to catch up on my reality TV and sleep. I have to go to the secretary of state tomorrow for sure because my temporary plate expires tomorrow because of some ASSHOLE. Before I go, look how CUTE my baby looks in Hello Kitty!!!!!! 

Peace out bitches!

Sunday clarity

I woke up with a clear head this morning of what I need to do in order to move on with my life. Just simple, move on. Put the past in the past, life is a gift, which is why it’s called the present. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s so true. I am tired of being hurt, then feeling sorry for myself. It’s just time to pick up and move the fuck on. I have to have faith that in the end this thing called KARMA will catch up to those that deserve it.

I’m smart, pretty, fun, with a good sense of humor, and I will always be ME. I have been feeling a lot more confident with myself, and my weight loss too, and I should embrace that. I shouldn’t feel like shit over something that happened in the past, and how totally fucked up and wrong it was on the other persons part. I need to stop trying to get into the other persons head. I’ll drive myself crazy trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. They’re just wrong. I can’t justify something wrong into something right in my head.

I’m not the same person I was even a year ago. I was still really depressed over my weight gain, I didn’t feel pretty or confident. I didn’t want to go out or be seen, I didn’t want to go shopping to do anything to make myself seem attractive because I didn’t feel like it at all. Now I feel totally different, and I should celebrate my looks, embrace my life.

That’s right! 17 more days until April 29 in which I will be turning 29 years old. My golden birthday! (Your golden birthday is supposed to be your lucky year, when you turn your age on your birthdate.) I just have a lot of change going on right now in my life and it’s hard. I need a new job, a new man, new men, money, and just to be happy and carefee again. People like me, you wouldn’t ever think it’s hard for someone like me to open up, because I am (obviously) a very open book, but I don’t like NEW. I knew that I did need a new job however because I did NOT like the way things were going at my old job, the people, the stupid everyday bullshit, the unfairness, the pure disgust I have for other employees. Yeah. I’m glad I’m out. Other than for financial reasons.

I want to scream, cry, laugh, hide, run, play, all these different emotions at once. Some parts of my life I am totally content with, and right now I don’t know how I’m getting food, or my next rent check, or any of the other numerous bills that are stacking up right now, however I am taking it one fucking day at a time.

Anything further than that is too much. Even talking about this right now is starting to make me a little panic-y. Next subject.

I haven’t done laundry in about 2 weeks so later on I’m going to mosey on over to my mom’s house and get that done. I don’t know what else we’ll get into while I’m there but it’s always a blast, even if it’s a lazy Sunday doing laundry hanging out with our dogs. I’m glad I have a good relationship with my mom. ❤ It’s good to remind myself of all the GOOD things I have going on right now. Positive mindset.

Also, tonight is the premiere of the 7th and FINAL season of Nurse Jackie! I am so excited it’s back! I went back and caught up on the entire show in anticipation for the final season. I can’t wait to see how they spin this.

Tune in tonight at 9 PM! If you don’t have Showtime they’re offering a free week this week. (At least for Comcast subscribers) Also, don’t I have the cutest dog ever???

Wacky World

I don’t really have anything to post about but considering I’m a little dazed, have ADHD, love to talk and type fast there will be a blog post somewhere.

SOOOOOOOO okay, I’m having construction done on my house and I have to use the last of my savings to put my current rent that’s due tomorrow in escrow until the house passes inspection on April 27. So I’ll have to buy myself sometime with that. I’m thinking I didn’t get the job I went after but I’m okay with it because it would require a lot of travel and I don’t know if it’s really what I wanted to do anyway. I can still collect my unemployment and waitress in the mean time while I look for something else. Which is what I think I’m going to do.

Also, today is opening day for the Detroit Tigers and I wish I was downtown because it’s like a fucking party. Even if you’re not at the game, its a fucking party all over downtown today! UGH so much fun! I should take a shower and just get all pretty with my D gear on. Ah, fuck it might as well. What else have I got to do? I’m going to… and watch the game. Create my own experience.

Tomorrow they’re doing some chemical treatments on the house and me and the pooch can’t be here. My mom agreed to work from home so that we would have somewhere to go. Maizy loves having me here. She wants to be around me all the time. It’s so cute. She is so presh. She’s cuddling in bed with me right now.

Eh well okay I’m going to take a shower and get my game day experience on. I should clean too but yeah, no. I’m going to apply for jobs as well. I don’t overwhelm myself and apply for everything. I apply for like 3-4 on each website a day, and keep a log of what I apply for so that when I get a call or email back, I can make sure it’s something I actually applied for and not some BS.

Blahhhhhhhh, I am toooooooooo lazy for anything right now……or lazy really isn’t the word but you know.

Update 3:41 PM TIGERS BEAT THE TWINS 4-0 ON OPENING DAY! TIGERS FTW!

Update 5:50 PM Okay I’m putting this out there. I’ve been waiting to hear back from someone I shouldn’t. It’s like you know you should stay away, but for some reason you can’t. You just go back for more. In two situations now that I think about it. Why do I always go after the wrong things? The wrong people? The wrong MEN. Mostly because I think my perspective of men is completely fucked up, and that is a whole other can of worms that we can even get into right now. I’m going to be around my friend right now because she needs a friend and I do too. I can’t sit around and wait for someone who I know is just going to hurt me.

Update 8:38 PM being around people helps. I got some grocery shopping done even though I feel like every dollar coming out of my pocket hurts me. Rawr. I need to put my energy elsewhere I guess. 

Off to a good start. I think it’s my wardrobe

I had my third interview today. I dazzle them with my personality. I was surprised they quizzed me on shit they talked to me about during my second interview which was going out in the field and doing a product launch. There is a lot of growth in the company. Although to learn the position Id ultimately be getting Id have to start at the bottom doing product launches which would require me to do driving to a bunch of different cities. Compensation for gas.

But I’m feeling great and it has to do with my amazing professional wardrobe. I have in this pink and reddish wrap dress with a feather print, bling now necklace, jet black tights and my Herman Munster shoes. I’m in the parking lot of the Michigan works office waiting for a call back so I’ll take some half ass pics. Oh and this pink satin coat is amazing. So many compliments.

Coat (it’s full length)

 

Pattern of the dress. I’ll try and update later with a selfie cause it’s worth it.

 

Herman Munster shoes. My mom says they look like the ones he wears on the show. I googled it before when she told me and she’s right. I’m not on wifi so this is taking forever so you can google that yourself.

Then here’s me with my cutie necklace and new aviators! I’m pissed about my hair though, it could be better

More clothing update!!!!!!!!!! 6:32 PM

Now I am out of my interview clothes because:

1. Why would I continue to look super cute when everyone has plans tonight except for me, so there’s ZERO point in looking cute or dressing up.

2. The porch was wet because it rained today and I fell in my heels RIGHT as I got home.

3. Leisure mode. See picture for reference:

 

Let me just add this in there that NOT having a job is actually more work then having one. You have to run around to all these places and constantly interview and whore yourself out there. Stay in touch with old business contacts and schmooze with them to get a hook up or two there. Not only that, but you have to go to the unemployment office and basically get a fucking stamp. Also, I have a social worker who I had to drive on the OTHER side of town (yeah, did I mention all the places I’ve been going to are not local) to help me file my paperwork for Medicaid, food and cash assistance. I mostly care about Medicaid so I can get my meds filled. The food would be nice too. As far as cash, ehhhh wellllll uhhhh yeah of course that’d be nice but I’ve got some side things lined up right now so I know my job is going to dick around with me on unemployment so I’m just going to be a dick back. I think I’ll be cool.

 

What an amazing feeling

My mom took me shopping last night because dress pants I have, (in every color too) and most of my blazers all don’t fit me. It wasn’t too long ago we bought a lot of this stuff because nothing else fit because I had gained too much weight. Anyway, I didn’t want to brag because really this post is really like my online journal. There were a few problems with my real journals. 1, I had a hand injury from a car accident so writing hurts like a bitch and 2, I hardly ever go back and read what I write (just basic proof reading) but if I I put it out there on the internet world with other bloggers using tags and other shit, then it can help someone. There’s other like us. SO ANYWAY. /rant hehe

I got a pair of some killer black pants and the same ones in grey, or is it gray, Whatever. Then I got this smashing blazer with that’s a 3/4 sleeve, but the button was missing. The button wouldn’t have fit over my big ass boobs anyway, but I got 50% off on it. Let’s see, I also got a basic black pencil skirt which is pretty nice cause you can day it from day wear to night wear (it’s stretchy so if you just pulled it up to make it super short and slutty it would stay.) My mom also insisted I get this black and grey leopard dress. I thought it was ugly as hell but once I tried it on it was totally cute. It’s a wrap dress too. (I should be taking pictures but I am also applying for jobs. SUE ME)

THEN they had some summer dresses they had pulled out, marked down, and ticketed limited quantity. So to my surprise I fit into a much smaller size (the only one available too) and I can’t even begin to tell you how good that felt. I didn’t even know what pants size to pick out. I started a size under what I thought and just kept going down. I have been SO SELF CONSCIOUS of my body and the weight gain that this stupid bipolar medication did to me. It like killed my spirit, because who wants to be happy when they’re over weight, they really can’t control it, they want to hide all the time, and they KNOW IT’S ALL ANYONE EVER SAYS WHEN THEIR NAME COMES UP. Come on, I’m shallow and I’ve done it, don’t say you haven’t too, because you’re either lying or you’re this guy:

It feels good to be a clothes whore again, even though I am flat fucking broke without a job. LOTS OF JOB PROSPECTS. But still, I can look at something and think I can’t buy that because I can’t wear it because you can’t wear shit like that anymore because you’re bipolar and the meds they have you on made you gain so much weight. UGH. I have been researching getting more involved with mental illness awareness because there is SUCH a stigma involved with it.

After being diagnosed as bipolar, my doctor just kept increasing my meds, just more, and more, and more, and more. Never asked how I was doing or anything. She ultimately made me WORSE. Put me into a BIGGER depression. Yeah I took the meds, but you just kept giving me more, and that’s not what I needed.

The circumstances that lead me to my doctor now are pretty fucked up and I really don’t think I want to talk about that on here but what he isn’t is a pill pusher. I feel like every doctor in the private mental health world is a pill pusher. And hey, I know how it works too. I worked in a medical office for 3 years, I know about the deals they make with the drug companies, and how they wine & dine them to push their drugs. I use to schedule the appointments with the drug reps to meet with the doctors. They had to get through ME. So they used to butter me up. So it’s all bull shit in the private practice, which is why I’m glad I ended up on the state level.

My ADHD is kicking into OVERLOAD right now. I’ve done 2398508 things today already and still have more to come. My post originally was just about how proud I am of myself for overcoming the depression I had over everything, and then over the weight gain and found a way to be strong and do something about it. Because for SO LONG I talked about doing something about it. I would even make the effort for a couple of weeks to do something about it, but then give up hope. Not that I didn’t care, but I can’t explain it. I guess other people who struggle with mental illness can maybe understand that emptiness inside?

I can’t say I wasn’t somewhat motivated because I’ve always had a job. The longest I haven’t had a job was 4 months and there was a lot of fuccccccccckkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeedddddddddd up shit that happened then so I needed like a mental break. But as soon as I made a call to an old pal, I got an interview for the job I just got fired from.

So the medication and my old doctor was definitely disabling me from moving forward for uhhhhhhh 4 years, almost 5. My doctor said I have a CLEAR malpractice suit, but for what? Still ADHD is kicking in.

Oh yeah, so I lost weight, and I’m really happy for the summer. I did manage to take 2 pics last night of these dresses. On sale! Limited quantities. I know we were looking for business gear but uhhhhhhh, what can I say we’re shopaholics.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤