Can’t sleep but think about this

I’m supposed to be getting up in liken an hour for this job thing but I just had my tooth done yesterday and I really feel shifty. Not to mention I think I’m getting sick. My dog is already sick. It’s so uncomfortable to watch her. Also, evil called me as soon as I got out of the dentist chair. We only talked for like a second. I tried getting a hold of him later but was unsuccessful. Then I fell asleep so early I had all these crazy thoughts of him escaping and then us back when we met but it was all different and weird. For those of you just tuning in he’s currently in a mental hospital which is where we met each other 3 years ago in October. Not this same one but same situation, kind of. I don’t know what to think all I know is that ever since I had the dream he escaped I can’t do anything until I know he didn’t. Plus I don’t feel good and I have to go back to the fucking dentist again today. Joy!!!

No but seriously that clip I posted got me thinking about this August versus last. Mines pretty fucked up, yours? I’ve watched someone I love deeply try to die twice, I’ve been too fucked up myself and fell down the stairs twice, I chipped a filling on gum, I’m leading on this sweet innocent young man known as good for my true love known as evil until evil can get his shit together. I’m not really sure what the fuck my life is right now but it’s nothing great. I really hope evil gets the letters I wrote him. They should’ve come by now, or today. Man, my mouth is starting to hurt. All I have is this weak ass Motrin. Down the shoot it goes.

Frirdays are awesome

I had such a shitty day yesterday. If we are friends on Facebook, you probably saw my statuses and could tell something was up. I talked to my ex and he pretty much still has a hold on me. I found out he was in the area the other night. I felt compelled to say something even though I knew I would regret it. Why can’t I give up? Why can’t I let someone who is no good for me out of my life. My head tells me one thing, but my heart tells me another.

My heart always wins when it’s head versus heart. ❤

As humans all we want is to be loved. Even me. I feel like I’ve been broken and hurt so many times that even when I meet a nice guy, I run. I rarely meet nice guys though. That’s the first problem. My friend and I were discussing how nice guys are just too easy. We go after the bad boys because they’re more of a challenge. I guess that’s what its all about. The challenge. Anyway, switching gears to what I wanted to talk about.

After how horrible I felt yesterday, I really wanted to curl up in bed all day today and feel sorry for myself. That sounds pathetic, but my blog is about honesty. I couldn’t possibly do that though because it’s Friday, the weather is fantastic, and I should move the fuck on. Sometimes being ADHD isn’t all that bad because I have the ability to get the fuck over myself when I know I’m acting like a baby over some bullshit. I decided to turn my frown upside down and SMILE because it’s Friday.

My bestie called me and asked if I wanted to hang and watch her tater tots for her while she goes on a work dinner. I had to wait until the construction men got to my house before I could leave. Sure enough I get here, and she’s not even here! I called her and I was like WTF you’re not even here? I’m breaking in. (Not really, I have a key, but I still like saying that.) Since she decided to go to this event tonight I also had to bring some dress options for her to wear. I had to keep in mind that this is a WORK thing and I can’t dress her like a whore. I brought her the most mature dresses I could find. Hopefully one of these dress options work.

She just got home with her 3 kids which are pretty much my kids too. I’m glad we have each other to cheer each other up. We have been friends since we were 4 and we’re about to be 29 so I’d say she’s more of a sister. I then got a call from another one of my friends that asked me earlier in the week to hang out tonight. I of course forgot. She did go on for quite a while and made me feel like shit about it. She also told me she had the opportunity to go out of town the same weekend of my birthday because it was cheaper, but she didn’t because of me. At the end of our conversation she said well you won’t be seeing me for a while because I’ll be busy.

Really? Someone from her past recently came into her life and ever since that happened I knew I was going to take a back seat to their newly rekindled “friendship.” People forget things. We talked all this afternoon before I made these plans and she never mentioned it once, or the day before hand. Honestly, I think she’s just looking to pick a fight. I can’t stand when people behave this way. It’s completely unnecessary and I am not interested in entertaining this negativity.

To me it sounds like jealousy. I didn’t do one thing for you, because human beings forget things, and you tell me you’ve already replaced me out of your life. I can’t be everyone’s everything. I’m done entertaining this.

Well, my friend is making nachos while the kiddos play outside and I want to just get off the internet machine and enjoy the rest of my day. Put all this unnecessary drama behind me and just move the fun on. My birthday is in 5 days.

Fail

Today I was supposed to have a totally productive day and get all this shit done and did I? Nope. My day feels kind of like:

In the meantime I did manage to lose my phone, just another disaster after another I guess with me. I keep on making mistakes left and right that I know will bite me in the ass but, for some reason I just don’t care? I’m not sure. Maybe too much positivity?

(Being the ADHD person that I am, I stepped away from the computer and came back a little bit later which I often do when I write my blogs.) Oh well my phone has been found. It was in the rain ALL DAY. So I freak out thinking out shit another thing I am going to have to pay for right? NOPE. SO FUCKING LUCKY. This $1 case I bought on eBay from some random country in Asia was worth it. Just a flimsy ass piece of plastic. I put stickers on it and rip them off to jazz the case up but you get the point:

Perhaps all that positivity I was just saying might be too much is actually helping. Karma in a good way. Oh so anyway, the shit I was supposed to do today I’m going to do it tomorrow. I stayed out late last night and I shouldn’t have. Especially when it’s the one night I have something to do in the morning, while I don’t have a job and I completely just failed. Oh well, it’s not like these fuckers are getting their money any way. So what if it’s late? I’m paying the mother fucking $35 late fee in escrow, bitch! It’s just buying me time really.

Anyway I was supposed to hang out with an old friend tonight but I totally bailed. Maybe because I haven’t showered or am still wearing my makeup from yesterday and give 0 fucks about today? Part of me is just a little scared to open up this box because I know it’s trouble considering the circumstances under which we met. But I am not like most people. Anyone with a mental illness knows this. We just don’t meet nice people, and fall in love, and everything’s perfect. Or maybe I just haven’t found the right one who understands my craziness? Until then, I seek out crazy.

Saying it, well, typing it, I guess makes it sound like wow, why am I doing this but none of it is ever meant to go anywhere. But he and i have stayed in contact since this incident which happened a couple years ago. Minimal contact, but contact. We haven’t actually seen each other, just spoken to each other online and on the phone. I actually talked to his mom once too, oops. Anyway, I bailed on him today because I know I have to get this shit done in the morning and if I hang out with him, I won’t. I know myself too fucking well. So possibly tomorrow night? We shall see.

I know he really needs some positive influence in his life, and I was once that for him and I hope I still can be. So that’s what I’m hoping we can still have. I see him, and this other guy just making careless mistakes that keep getting them in trouble. I feel bad. It’s like I want to help.

Anyway, my mom was nice enough to say home from work today so I’d have a place to go while they worked on my house. The guy was super cute and I felt totally embarrassed answering the door in my PJ’s which I realized was a see through zebra zip up and I had a hot pink lace sports bra underneath and leggings. I bet he was really happy to see that. I guess I shouldn’t have slept soooooooo late. Oops. He probably thinks I’m a total slut because I have handcuffs on my nightstand. A little child gave them to me at a kids birthday party without me knowing (he put them in my purse) and I found them the next day. This is where I decided they should go. Hey, you never know 😉

(Sidenote: Yes, that is duck tape. I “refinished” them. They look awesome.)

Also, my mom got me these super cute Hello Kitty hair clips. Score!

I think someone is exhausted from playing with Mr. Big today. She literally dragged me up the porch of my mom’s house today because she was so excited. She is so fucking strong it’s redic. I had to jump like 4 stairs in flip flops with this dog on a leash carrying my huge ass purse and my laptop case. Whew! Taking her anywhere is such a task because she gets so excited and she’s so strong. She definitely works us both out!

Okay so tomorrow is Wednesday. I’ll try and get my shit together. *Sigh* I have to babysit tomorrow, I forgot. Shit. Even though my IPhone reminded me like hours ago. I still forgot. And it’s on like 3 calendars. I’m such a space cadet. I need to get off the internet.

Update 11:40 PM:

 

Mania

After my last post I let some anger out but I don’t know if it was in the best way. I don’t know how other to say that. I have been very destructive this weekend, I think that was only necessary given the circumstances. I told people things I didn’t want to tell in order to save my shit. I have to do certain things I don’t want to do in order to protect my shit. I’m going through something I don’t want to go through and I’m going through it in a weird mind set. I can’t exactly justify my actions. I’m having a lot of mania right now. I wish I could control it. I can’t. I wish I had the off button. I don’t. But, just to be clear, I still stand behind someone. I need clarity. There are so many what ifs, and this and thats, and I don’t knows, and these guys. I’m tired…….